Not to do laundry for son

[nosyneighbouring]

I have 4 dc the others are all under 8 but one older who's 20.
I am a SAHM and take care of most of the household stuff but dc(20) earns a good wage and I expect him to do his own washing and buy/cook his own food.
AIBU I think ds think's because he's at work and I'm not I should do his washing as I do for the little ones and dh and he'd prefer to give me money and eat the food in the house but this leaves us out of pocket as he doesn't appreciate how much things cost unless he buys his own and the money he contributes towards his keep is for bills but he still uses bread, milk, toiletries etc I just ask he provides himself with a main meal and washes his own bedding and clothes now, does this seem fair? Or AIBU as I'm at home with the little ones.

Meals I’d do gladly, laundry no way!

I guess he can find himself a wife to take over the laundry duties, or we can start up-skilling the young men in our lives

It’s less about the money (that’s a separate issue, put his rent up) it’s about excluding 1 person from teatime & laundry. There are other ways to teach necessary life skills than this imo. .

I personally wouldn’t do it.

Meals yes, laundry are you soft? Let him do his own. A man who cannot wash his own pants at 20 is not exactly grasping adulthood

Just because he doesn't do his own washing doesn't mean he isn't capable of it!

We do the washing for my family all together. It just works better for us and is much more efficient. There's really no difference in putting one person's clothes in the washer rather than 4 peoples clothes.

Guess what, though? All the adults in my household are capable of doing their own washing when they are by themselves.

At first I thought yes you are being mean re the meals but having read that you would only be cooking for him then no I don't think you are being unreasonable. I am in a similar situation, my older children all paid board, I had 4 at home and I needed the money but now there is just my youngest son and I could afford for him not to pay board while he wasn't earning much bit now he is on a good wage I need to broach the subject, especially as my partner has now moved in and is paying half the bills and shopping, I dont think its fair that he is also supporting youngest sons food bills. My son works shifts and is usually at work when we have tea but if its something that's easily microwaveable when he comes in (chilli, spag bol, curry, roast dinner etc) then I always plate him some up. He always done his own washing as I refuse to go in his stinky bedroom! On the evening meal point, it probably would be good for the family if you did start cooking meals for everyone but that's up to you and what works for you. He should definitely be paying more like £50 a week including food but like I say, I have yet to get to that point with my son!

£25 pw is far too low, £60/80 is more reasonable IF HE IS GETTING FED. Doing his own washing/ironing is fine, but as a family you should be having an evening meal together. He can sort out his breakfast and packed lunch from the cupboard/fridge himself. With 3 under 8s you should be teaching them to eat a variety of food, at a table, talking to each other, enjoying each others company, with big brother joining in. You're the mum, mother them.

If he's willing to contribute more board in exchange for you providing meals and laundry then do it. Is it really going to hurt to plate up an extra meal? If you are going to make him do his own laundry though make sure you have a reasonable allocated time for him to do it otherwise you're gonna end up arguing over needing the washer yourself while hes using it. It may just be easier to chuck his stuff in with everyone elses though. I did my own laundry at home from age 15 as my stepmum refused to do it stating i was old enough to do my own and my dad agreed with her. Yet she did her own kids stuff but if she forgot anything of her kids she'd wait for me to do mine and expect me to add her kids stuff with mine

The more comfortable he is at home, the less likely he is to move out. Presumably you are trying to encourage him towards full independence?

I don't think your expectations are unreasonable but I do think you need to have a conversation and work something out between you to prevent any resentment. It's a good life lesson to realise how much things cost and how much time it takes to do things. He will need to know this for when he moves on. However, by having a conversation, you will find out whether he's just trying to be efficient or if he's ducking out of personal responsibility.
If it was my home I would expect help towards some of the basics like washing up/wiping down the table/tidying and cleaning up after himself (eg, when he's made a snack or had a shower). I wouldn't mind including him in the family meal but I wouldn't be ok with him just eating anything out of the cupboard, packed lunch items missing, cereal for the kids breakfasts etc. I would expect him to get his own snacking food but can definitely use milk for tea, ketchup for chips etc, as long his financial contribution covers his consumption, all good. I would probably suggest that they cook once a week, build up a recipe repertoire and practice getting a meal together. I'm a stay at home mum but I still think it's about teamwork. I'm not a maid and I won't go round picking up after everyone while they sit and relax. My focus during the day is the kids, not the housework. Planning meals, food shopping, cleaning the fridge and stocking up it's all time consuming. It doesn't magically appear on the table. As long as he appreciates time it takes and does his bit, it's fine. You need to come to your own arrangements that work for both of you. Don't assume what he's thinking, he might have some good ideas of his own and he might assume you like doing it for him. It's best to discuss it and find a middle ground.