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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to do laundry for son

135 replies

nosyneighbouring · 10/01/2023 12:56

I have 4 dc the others are all under 8 but one older who's 20.
I am a SAHM and take care of most of the household stuff but dc(20) earns a good wage and I expect him to do his own washing and buy/cook his own food.
AIBU I think ds think's because he's at work and I'm not I should do his washing as I do for the little ones and dh and he'd prefer to give me money and eat the food in the house but this leaves us out of pocket as he doesn't appreciate how much things cost unless he buys his own and the money he contributes towards his keep is for bills but he still uses bread, milk, toiletries etc I just ask he provides himself with a main meal and washes his own bedding and clothes now, does this seem fair? Or AIBU as I'm at home with the little ones.

OP posts:
MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 10/01/2023 15:51

I would up it to at least £250-300 per month. £25 a week is a bit of a joke.

BiologicalKitty · 10/01/2023 15:56

Only read the first page of this thread but these are the mothers of cocklodging manbabies right here. Good lord. A 20-something adult on a good wage should not be relying on mummy to wash his pants and cook his tea.

gogohmm · 10/01/2023 16:12

I think doing his own laundry is the norm once over 16, my kids have done theirs since 6th form. Not sharing dinner with him seems mean though, why not just cook for all and charge him rent accordingly

gogohmm · 10/01/2023 16:14

And yabu not feeding your kids properly. There's no such thing as age appropriate food over 1. Food is good and nuggets are not good! Just cook a meal for everyone and sit together, your children will benefit enormously from it

SchoolQuestionnaire · 10/01/2023 16:16

I don’t think yabu about the washing but I think it’s appalling that your ds isn’t even allowed to share milk from the fridge. I’m also shocked that you are home all day and don’t manage to prepare a family meal.

I don’t think it would be unfair to ask for more money if you are really struggling but I would question why you had three more dc if things are so tight that you can’t even spare a bit of milk and bread for your firstborn. He’s your son, not a lodger and I think you are making him feel very unwelcome.

SusanPerbCallMeSue · 10/01/2023 16:20

What is age appropriate food? My kids have eaten whatever we've eaten from weaning age. Yes, we have sometimes had nuggets and chips, but they eat a wide variety of stuff. All food is age appropriate for any child.

When I said earlier that I cook for the family, actually, we all cook for the family. We take turns. They can all cook decent meals. 23 yo DS makes an awesome lasagna!

£25 a week is a tiny amount of rent to pay, even when my DS was working part time he paid more than that.

BCBird · 10/01/2023 16:24

I think expecting him to provide his own meal.When you are coming for others is mean. If I were him.I would feel.like you didn't want me there. Surely being in a family it is nice to eat together. You need to have a frank talk with him.and ask for a suitable amount of board. As for the washing,I can understand that getting to yiu a bit,but surely if you are washing for others itbis very little extra effort to do sime of his garments in with the others- the machine does the work anyway. Ironing- absolutely not. There is however sometimes an expectation that you have paid board so everything must be done for you- I saw this years ago with my.brother. I hope you get things sorted to everyone's satisfaction.

whoyougonnacallGOATSBUTTER · 10/01/2023 16:25

picklemewalnuts · 10/01/2023 14:02

We each (4 adults) have our own basket.
We each do a load every ten days or so, keeping an eye on when it's in use so there will be room on the airer.
No need to sort it ever, as each person's stays separate.
We each do an extra load every now and then to cover sheets and towels, dog stuff, and so on.

It's a much easier system for all of us, and substantially easier to organise than sharing a kitchen!

Show quote history

This to me is so much better than a woman one person doing the laundry for everyone.

ColdHandsHotHead · 10/01/2023 16:28

I would say he should pay double that to cover his food, and also something towards utility bills. Additionally while I wouldn't insist on him doing his own washing, I would give him a specific set of household jobs and expect him to do them, eg taking the bins out and sorting recycling or doing a couple of hours' ironing a week. He'd have to do all this in a house share.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 10/01/2023 16:30

he'd prefer to give me money and eat the food in the house but this leaves us out of pocket as he doesn't appreciate how much things cost unless he buys his own and the money he contributes towards his keep is for bills but he still uses bread, milk, toiletries etc

Then sit down with him and draw up a spreadsheet to show him how much everything actually costs. Ask him to do one family shop a month - or whatever makes sense when you have that spreadsheet. Increase his bed and board money to whatever you need to balance the family books.

Then show him how the washing machine and dishwasher etc work and tell him that no, he cannot pay you to be his cleaner, he mist learn how to do these things for himself, work out how often, how much etc. He can start doing the dishes regularly and his own clothes plus whatever you feel comfortable with.

He's an adult, he earns a decent wage. He can start taking on the daily grind everyone else does. Actually, maybe your DH could do some too, show him how it is done!

MRSDoos · 10/01/2023 16:30

I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all

Do you think you could charge your son more than £25 pw? I paid £50 pw. Some parents would charge more than this and with bills going up you wouldn’t be unreasonable to charge more than £50.

I used to do my own laundry.
My parents used to pay for my food included in the £50 but she didn’t have small children to feed at different times and me, mum, dad and sister ate at the same time so she just had to cook one meal.

I think that I would be worried about pushing him out if I was you. I could understand why a 20 year old DS would feel pushed out especially if you won’t even let him have a share of the milk, bread etc. Remember that he is your child and not a lodger, so I would suggest a rent increase but to start to make him feel like he belongs in the family again.

PinkiOcelot · 10/01/2023 16:31

SwordToFlamethrower · 10/01/2023 13:13

So you're expected to be his personal maid? If he had his own place, he'd be working full time and still have to do his own laundry... or would he be bringing it to you stating the same bs?

He is a sexist little sh1t and you need to tell him to f#ck off

Which post did you read to come up with this crap?! Doesn’t look like he’s expecting a personal maid at all. Looks to me like he expects to be treated as part of the family, not a lodger.

OP do you really begrudge him using bread and milk etc? My dd doesn’t live at home anymore and she’s welcome to anything I’ve got.

is it really such a big deal shoving his washing in with yours?!

Biscuitbabe87 · 10/01/2023 16:33

Do your under 8's really need to be eating nuggets on the regular?

SunSandAndLotsOfGin · 10/01/2023 16:36

Justcallmebebes · 10/01/2023 13:24

That's horrible. So you are saying that you will cook and prepare a meal for the whole family and you will sit down and eat but exclude your son? Totally unreasonable.

If you feel that strongly about it, help him to find somewhere else and move out, but don't isolate him that way. Not on at all

This. You sound really mean excluding him from the family evening meal.

ssd · 10/01/2023 16:42

I'd bet my last penny the ds is from the ops first marriage and comes second to the younger kids she has with his step dad.

picklemewalnuts · 10/01/2023 16:56

He's not being excluded from the evening meal, there is no evening meal.

cigarettesNalcohol · 10/01/2023 16:56

Yabu for making him cook and eat separately. Why can't everyone eat the same meal together? On some nights, get him to cook the food you've all paid for.

Yanbu for refusing to do his washing. He should be doing that himself.

Original poster
nosyneighbouring · 10/01/2023 17:10

but he still uses bread, milk, toiletries etc
This one sentence which was added to assure that he does and can use these, has been misinterpreted and had many running away with the idea he's not allowed to use the milk in the fridge! so I've given up with this post.
I've got what I needed from it and will be cooking meals.
Also never did it say I cook for the rest of the family and not him as made clear in the updates.

Thank you to those who read the updates and who's replies made sense and who didn't just copy and paste what others misunderstood and then reply without reading. (Probably guilty of doing that too at times though)

OP posts:
Lolalime · 10/01/2023 17:11

Can’t see anyone here suggest she be his maid, but if you live in a family home then all the household stuff should be shared, -The sharing can look different depending on household as people’s routines are different. I don’t see the sense in it’s yours so you do it? How does that teach a boy to be a better man??? In a home of 6 do we all line up 1 by 1 to do dishes after dinner?? all 6 wait for a full load to wah or do 6 mini loads?? Who’s responsibility would it be to was the tea towels ? Do we have one each? The bath matt ? One each??? Clean one window each??

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 10/01/2023 17:21

All my kids do their own laundry. If they want to eat with me, then they are welcome to do so. I charge varying “rents” depending on what they eat. If they choose to cook separately then that’s ok as well.

messymonkey1074 · 10/01/2023 17:27

Yes you are being unreasonable. How to make him feel like he’s not part of the family.

im guessing he’s from a previous relationship.

I just would not dream of not making his tea when I made ours. And just shout through - have you got any darks love when I’m doing a wash. Still do it now when he’s home.

HandsOffMyCarrierBags · 10/01/2023 17:30

Washing his own clothes and bedding seems fair. However I’d ask him to buy the ingredients and cook for the whole family twice a week so you have respite and team work. He’s a fully grown adult after all.

StarDolphins · 10/01/2023 17:31

unless your DH is doing his own laundry & making his own tea, I think you’re being a bit mean & unreasonable.

HandsOffMyCarrierBags · 10/01/2023 17:32

Alternatively put him in charge of specific things - cooking two nights a week, hoovering through the house once a week, cleaning the loos daily.

JudgeRudy · 10/01/2023 17:35

Hmmm - I'm on the fence on this one. I think if you're cooking for the family it's a bit mean/odd not to make an additional meal but there are a lot of variables. How much does he eat? Does he do his share of washing up/clearing away? Is he eating same/similar meals to you all or is he a particular eater?
Is there a compromise, so breakfast and evening meals M--F with lunch at weekends plus and (cheap) drinks all in with his board, but snacks, deserts, treats, lunches he buys himself?
Laundry/ironing...perfectly reasonable to expect him to do his own.