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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you needed to leave the country quickly...

343 replies

need2escape · 10/01/2023 12:49

And as quietly as possible, where would you start?

Name change and shameless post here for traffic.

Not doing anything illegal such as child abduction. Just may need to leave the country as quickly as possible and return to my home country.

No family here to help, some friends but not sure how much they could assist.

Own house which is mortgaged, car on finance, small loan, credit cards, phone contracts, the usual.

And my job.

House full of possessions I wouldn't really need to take with me.

Where would you begin?

OP posts:
Oldfox · 10/01/2023 13:19

Go back, but get solicitors and external parties in place before you go

Oldfox · 10/01/2023 13:20

Can you go back to aus for birth and then come back in a few months to finalise paperwork?

1984Winston · 10/01/2023 13:20

Whens the earliest you can go on maternity leave? Would be a shame not to get it

Peridot1 · 10/01/2023 13:22

Look at how late you can fly. If you are due in March you don’t have until end of Feb.

TightFistedWozerk · 10/01/2023 13:22

Are you legally entwined with the father (married/civil partnership)

Are you financially entwined with a joint mortgage, joint account, life insurance, wills?

Peridot1 · 10/01/2023 13:23

Just had a quick look at BA and it’s 36 weeks. Airlines differ through

Original poster
need2escape · 10/01/2023 13:23

I could take maternity leave from now or very soon I suppose, that's a fair point. I could start my maternity and leave the country and sort things out later?

I'm not sure why I didn't think of that.

OP posts:
Original poster
need2escape · 10/01/2023 13:24

I'm not married or intertwined with the babies Father in any way, other than him being the Dad.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 10/01/2023 13:24

Yes leave before it's too late.
Can you leave for maternity leave earlier? That way you get paid, get back to Aus and can cover your bills.

If not I'd say the priority is leaving before the birth. Do everything else remote.

Can you afford to ship your stuff back now and sell the house after?

Villagetoraiseachild · 10/01/2023 13:25

Not wishing to pry, am guessing from the word 'quietly' you mean either least stress or that someone else doesnt know.
In which case some great advice here from pp.
I would pack my case so that is good to go and book a flight. Am assuming you're Aussie so no need for visa. Also means you are practical. Then draw up a list of priorities and make sure you have essential paperwork. Ideally you have some income to tide you over, so lettng the house makes sense or selling if you're sure. I would keep options open if you can.
Also guessing you have mates in Oz or family to see you through.
I would book an earlier flight than you think you need, just in case. You can change it.

LizzieSiddal · 10/01/2023 13:27

Go on maternity leave ASAP, set up a solicitor and estate agent to deal with house sale, then leave the country.

NumberTheory · 10/01/2023 13:27

It might be easiest to do this as a two part thing - take maternity leave early, fly to Aus on an extended vacation and have the baby there (though not sure about health coverage in this scenario). Then work out how to change your residency, sell your house, and sort out your loans etc. after the baby is born.

Newwardrobe · 10/01/2023 13:28

I would rent the property out .

Movinghouseatlast · 10/01/2023 13:29

My friend did this. She told everyone she was going on holiday, including her boyfriend.

She took most of her possessions to the tip, sold her car and left her debts behind. She didn't own a house but presumably you could clear it and sell it from abroad? Or sell it to a company at a knock down price? Or rent it out even.

henrilechat · 10/01/2023 13:29

I would have thought the quickest way would be to see if you can convert your mortgage to an interest only buy to let, then rent out your house fully furnished. Sell/give away what you don't need and ship the rest to Australia.
Good luck, I hope you can get away in time

cosmiccosmos · 10/01/2023 13:31

So do you want to leave because you are worried the baby's father will try and stop you once it is born?

Surely if you don't put him in the birth certificate he has no parental rights? He won't know when you've had the baby if you keep it quiet and then register quickly?

PolarBlair · 10/01/2023 13:32

Priority for you today would be to check how late you can fly. And be careful with wording like "up until 34 weeks" does that mean 33+6 or 34+6 for example

I don't know if different airlines have different rules

slithytoveisascientist · 10/01/2023 13:32

Clear everything not needed / arrange a shipment for rest / put into storage
Find a rental estate agent to manage the property fully / ideally one where rent is guaranteed
Leave asap
Continue to pay all required bills from abroad / cancel what you can when home

Appreciate what you said about work but could you do anything remotely / self employed?

Movinghouseatlast · 10/01/2023 13:34

Having read your update I would maybe hand the house over to an estate agent to rent furnished. Put the stuff you might want in the future in storage and just go.

jackstini · 10/01/2023 13:35

Remortgage house as a buy to let leaving 25% equity in it
Rent it out through a full service agency so you don't need to do anything
You then have some cash behind you to start again in Australia
Sell car/contact finance co
Book a flight - 36 weeks is absolute latest, but you will need a docs note for most airlines from 28 weeks
Go on maternity leave asap

Go!

Talia99 · 10/01/2023 13:37

cosmiccosmos · 10/01/2023 13:31

So do you want to leave because you are worried the baby's father will try and stop you once it is born?

Surely if you don't put him in the birth certificate he has no parental rights? He won't know when you've had the baby if you keep it quiet and then register quickly?

Custody issues will be resolved in the country where the baby is born and under The Hague convention, the father can have the baby returned to the country of birth.

If he goes to court and says he is the father, he can get parental rights with one DNA test (OK, slightly more complicated but all through the UK courts as country of birth)

Therefore, if OP has the option of giving birth in Australia, she should.

The country where custody is resolved can change but not when the non-national parent takes a British born child with a British born father overseas shortly after birth.

Original poster
need2escape · 10/01/2023 13:37

Thank you so much everyone for the advice.

I think the quickest way would be to take my mat leave early, that way I would keep my income and would be able to cover my bills. It would leave me with not a huge amount to live off in Australia but I would be staying with family and they would help me.

I could return at some point to sort or remotely sort things, seems like that's an option? Could rent but I have a half finished bathroom with no flooring etc that I haven't the cash to finish right now. I'm not sure there is a market around here for fully furnished but I could be wrong?

I would love to ship stuff back, I've lived here a long time and thinking of my familiar furniture and things going is sad. But I have to think of the big picture.

Selling means cleaning everything out of the house which seems a mammoth task especially with little cash to do this.

Any advice on the PCP?

And yes, I know for a fact that babies Dad would try and stop me leaving. I could try and keep the birth quiet, but he knows where I live and when I'm due. I know I wouldn't be putting him on the B/C but he will take me to court for parental responsibility so I'm only delaying the inevitable if I stay here.

OP posts:
TheLeadbetterLife · 10/01/2023 13:37

We left the country in a hurry a few years ago because we decided to move before brexit, and at the time no deal was a possibility.

we put the house on the market first week of Jan, had buyers in place a week later and were gone by the end of March. That included packing up the whole house and having it shipped, so for you it should be simpler.

We had exchanged contracts on the house before we left, but completion happened afterwards with no problems. The estate agent dealt with a final clean once we were out. I was able to clear a small loan over the phone once the sale proceeds came through.

We notified our U.K. bank and new bank that we were going to transfer a lot of money from a house sale, so that went smoothly, just did it all online.

If I were you OP I’d get the house on the market, then go on mat leave to deal with all the other admin. Book flight, clear the house (or have the estate agent do it once you’ve gone), and get out. All the rest you should be able to handle online or on the phone.

listsandbudgets · 10/01/2023 13:40

If you can't fly, I'd go to Northern Ireland in the first instance - you can do this by ferry, give birth there with NHS and then travel onwards when feasible

TheChosenTwo · 10/01/2023 13:41

You’ve had some really good advice here OP, sounds like a bloody stressful situation and a lot of upheaval for you at this stage of pregnancy. I agree with taking your maternity leave early and getting over as quickly as you can, I’d hazard a guess that you don’t have as much time as you’d think to be flying at however many weeks you’ll be by the end of feb.
good luck, keep coming back and asking questions, someone will be able to answer 💐
ps, I think you’re doing the absolute best thing for your new baby, it’s hard right now but think of the benefits - being at ‘home’ with your family support all around you.

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