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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be worried about school shootings/guns?

166 replies

Nogbreaks · 10/01/2023 10:00

DW, American, has the opportunity to take a great job in a US East coast city. She's keen, having lived her for 20 years, to go for a few years ( maybe more) with the kids. She was approached for this role, wasn't seeking it, nor have we be planning on ever living in the USA, though it has come up from time to time.

Apart from the obvious - we'd be uprooting our 11 and 13 year olds who are very happy, settled in school, I'd have to find a job ( though could get a green card as we're married), we have a fantastic community and network around us which I find particularly helpful as I do the most of the 'wife work' on top of my FT time job as DW is the main earner by a long chalk, we'd be moving to a city where we know no-one at all...

I'm really GENUINELY worried about the safety of our kids going to a school in the US. I don't want them to have shooter drills and all that comes with it. I don't want to take them on what we could dress up as an adventure where we have to worried about the gun culture in the city were in. As an East coast city it does have stricter gun laws, but pretty much anyone can still have a weapon.

Is that a daft reason to refuse to go? My career and aspirations there are 2nd as I could maybe maybe transfer with my current company, and I'm acutely aware of all DW has given up to live in the UK all this time with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nogbreaks · 10/01/2023 10:07

Should add that the job comes with a £200k + salary, benefits and after a few years the chance to do the same role in UK/Europe so it really is a great opp for her.

OP posts:
Muddledbutwellmeaning · 10/01/2023 10:07

What are the long term benefits?

How much healthcare comes with her job?

I would feel the way you do. Every time we hear about yet another school shooting in the US I think “how can they send their kids into school?” Sandy Nook was Connecticut I think, wasn’t it?

Also I think 11 and 13 are tricky ages, but all kids are different and they might slot in okay

I think for me it would depend how resentful DW would be if you refuse to go.

PoolBreachWatch · 10/01/2023 10:09

Can you confirm what “wife work” is?

SleeplessInEngland · 10/01/2023 10:11

If everything else seems good then yes, that would statistically be a crazy reason to decide not to go. So the question is how you feel about the other aspects of living there.

Whatsfordinnerglutenfree · 10/01/2023 10:11

Your children are of an age where they put down roots where they go to school and live and make friends. They may decide to continue living in the USA when you are ready to come back.

Original poster
Nogbreaks · 10/01/2023 10:12

Financially there would be no worries, healthcare etc would all be taken care of as would the cost of relocation. Other than I may need to find a new job, but will stay within same industry I would imagine, plus there would be a hiatus while my paperwork/green card was sorted.
No real long term benefits, other than DW gets to be in home country and see parents more ( they're still 10/12 hours drive away) than we do now.
The money is more than she's on now by not by that much.

I just don't know about how safe we would feel in general. And I have been to the USA more than 40 odd times in my life, all over, East, South, West coast.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nogbreaks · 10/01/2023 10:14

'Can you confirm what “wife work” is?'

The mental load. The organizing of children and household stuff, the arranging the clubs, the lifts, the extra- curriculars, sorting the bills, the car etc.
Remembering which child needs to be where on which day, with which kit.

All that stuff.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 10/01/2023 10:16

I wouldn't uproot my kids at those ages for an international move when you are all happy, settled and supported here.

HeavenlyHiraaniTigerlilyHutchenceYatesGeldof · 10/01/2023 10:16

Also factor in the massive drug culture in the US that permeates all levels of society.

Alexandernevermind · 10/01/2023 10:16

If you are a man using the term wife work on here, shootings in America are the last of your worries, so get the hard hat out!
Honestly I wouldn't worry, I would see it as an amazing opportunity for your family, for just a couple of years. Just be selective about area. You need to be mindful that when you come home, depending on how long you have been away, your dc might not be classed as UK residents when accessing further education.

AnxiousPancreas · 10/01/2023 10:17

PoolBreachWatch · 10/01/2023 10:09

Can you confirm what “wife work” is?

It’s a term from Delusions of Gender by Cordelia Fine (not sure if she coined it or just popularised it) that refers to the work done in a domestic setting that is traditionally done by the “wife” in a traditional, heterosexual marriage. The exact jobs included in “wife work” can vary - some use it to refer to housework but it can also be more broadly applied to the mental workload of running a home too, scheduling, budgeting etc or, additionally, the emotional burden of having to be “in charge” or “on call” that typically applies to more wives/mothers than husbands/fathers. It’s a feminist term to try and highlight and clarify the disproportionate burden that women often carry domestically.

Original poster
Nogbreaks · 10/01/2023 10:18

'I wouldn't uproot my kids at those ages for an international move when you are all happy, settled and supported here.'

We are incredibly well supported at the moment, and although my DPs are about 4/5 hours away they come for weekends and take the kids for us when we have worktrips or mini- breaks.
I'm very sociable, so would throw myself into joining groups and getting out in a new city, but DW would be working FT in a BIG job, and travelling back to Europe a lot too for work.

OP posts:
Clymene · 10/01/2023 10:18

You have teenage children. Their education should be your primary consideration. I wouldn't move teenagers unless it's a permanent move.

Quite apart from the gun thing

Muddledbutwellmeaning · 10/01/2023 10:19

RandomMess · 10/01/2023 10:16

I wouldn't uproot my kids at those ages for an international move when you are all happy, settled and supported here.

I agree with this. £200k is a good salary but not astronomical and you say it’s not an enormous increase from what she earns now.

That’s also a very valid point about where your kids are rooted.

dreamingbohemian · 10/01/2023 10:19

I'm from the East Coast originally. You have a lot of legitimate concerns about the move but I wouldn't let fear of school shootings be the deciding factor. Yes it is a huge and distressing problem but statistically it is extremely unlikely to happen, the US is an enormous country so the numbers seem worse than they are. Its a bit like the tabloids here making London sound completely lawless, but when you live here it's just a normal big city.

I would be more worried about going to other parts of the US with strong gun culture.

x2boys · 10/01/2023 10:19

I can understand your concerns .,I find the attitudes to.guns and Gun laws crazy in the US , and one school Shooting is one to many ,I guess it's a personal decision do the benefits out weigh the risks ,only you and your wife can decide ?

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 10/01/2023 10:20

I'd go for it - it's only a few years, it's great for kids to have experience of another culture (I did at that age and it was a very positive experience). Yes, gun culture is concerning but it's statistically so unlikely that I'd not waste headspace on it.

Which city is more of an issue. For example I wouldn't be happy with Baltimore and its historically very high crime rates, but many of the East Coast cities are fantastic. I've a soft spot for New England, it really is incredibly beautiful.

PoolBreachWatch · 10/01/2023 10:20

Nogbreaks · 10/01/2023 10:14

'Can you confirm what “wife work” is?'

The mental load. The organizing of children and household stuff, the arranging the clubs, the lifts, the extra- curriculars, sorting the bills, the car etc.
Remembering which child needs to be where on which day, with which kit.

All that stuff.

So that should automatically be your wife’s work because she’s a woman?

Maybe she’s going to the US and hoping you don’t come too.

Original poster
Nogbreaks · 10/01/2023 10:21

@PoolBreachWatch
Before anyone gives me anymore shit for saying 'wife-work' I both know what the term means and I am a wife!

OP posts:
Sleepinggreyhounds · 10/01/2023 10:22

If you go you'd probably have to go for longer than a few years. You really couldn't bring your eldest back in the middle of GCSE, and if you wait until after the equivalent of year 11 for them you then have the same issue with your youngest.

Whatmarbles · 10/01/2023 10:22

@PoolBreachWatch really?
That is all you took from the detailed OP, wife work?

Honestly 🙄

Original poster
Nogbreaks · 10/01/2023 10:23

DW does as much housework as I do, but doesn't organise the family/kids/life admin because she's not that great at it ( very good a big picture stuff, scatty with details) and has less time as her job in more time consuming.
We both work FT but my Ft hours are 35 a week and flexible - hers are 35 in theory but in reality closer to 55/60.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 10/01/2023 10:25

I think it would be really nice for your wife to have a few years living at home too.

How do your kids feel about it?

x2boys · 10/01/2023 10:25

Nogbreaks · 10/01/2023 10:21

@PoolBreachWatch
Before anyone gives me anymore shit for saying 'wife-work' I both know what the term means and I am a wife!

Don't worry I knew you would. Get. Shit for that and posters would automatically assume you were a man!

RunnerBum · 10/01/2023 10:26

DH and I are in a similar position. I work for a US firm so moving out there is always an option for us. The school shooting concern also comes up for us, especially because DH is a teacher too. We have two DCs, 3 year age-gap but ours are younger than yours.

Personally, I wouldn’t move out there if you’d plan on moving back again before they’ve completed their education. Consider what impact this may have on their eligibility for student loans. Have you considered boarding schools in the UK? Having studied there, I think the content you learn in school is a lot less than we learn here - there’s some science content that we study at GCSE that I was seeing in the second or third level of a degree (but obviously their degree set up means that they’re broader but less deep).

I think, in truth, without jeopardising your DC’s education, you’ve missed the boat to move out there until your DCs have left school.

The shooting issue is one of those things where it will absolutely play on your mind but is actually highly unlikely to actually happen - like the worry of a plane crashing or not waking up from an appendectomy. Highly unlikely to actually happen but likely to enough to bug you. At least that’s how I feel.