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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried about school shootings/guns?

166 replies

Nogbreaks · 10/01/2023 10:00

DW, American, has the opportunity to take a great job in a US East coast city. She's keen, having lived her for 20 years, to go for a few years ( maybe more) with the kids. She was approached for this role, wasn't seeking it, nor have we be planning on ever living in the USA, though it has come up from time to time.

Apart from the obvious - we'd be uprooting our 11 and 13 year olds who are very happy, settled in school, I'd have to find a job ( though could get a green card as we're married), we have a fantastic community and network around us which I find particularly helpful as I do the most of the 'wife work' on top of my FT time job as DW is the main earner by a long chalk, we'd be moving to a city where we know no-one at all...

I'm really GENUINELY worried about the safety of our kids going to a school in the US. I don't want them to have shooter drills and all that comes with it. I don't want to take them on what we could dress up as an adventure where we have to worried about the gun culture in the city were in. As an East coast city it does have stricter gun laws, but pretty much anyone can still have a weapon.

Is that a daft reason to refuse to go? My career and aspirations there are 2nd as I could maybe maybe transfer with my current company, and I'm acutely aware of all DW has given up to live in the UK all this time with me.

OP posts:
Lcb123 · 10/01/2023 10:26

I wouldn’t let that be the barrier. It’s statistically rare, and there are far more likely dangers like traffic or drugs. If it is right otherwise, I’d go! Such an adventure

Original poster
Nogbreaks · 10/01/2023 10:26

'Which city is more of an issue. For example I wouldn't be happy with Baltimore and its historically very high crime rates, but many of the East Coast cities are fantastic.'

We know USA well and wouldn't touch Baltimore with a barge pole! We're also a LGBT family so the city in question is more like NYC - as in we won't get any problems on that account and the crime rate is about the same.
Which is still WAY higher than the UK.

OP posts:
AnxiousPancreas · 10/01/2023 10:27

Alexandernevermind · 10/01/2023 10:16

If you are a man using the term wife work on here, shootings in America are the last of your worries, so get the hard hat out!
Honestly I wouldn't worry, I would see it as an amazing opportunity for your family, for just a couple of years. Just be selective about area. You need to be mindful that when you come home, depending on how long you have been away, your dc might not be classed as UK residents when accessing further education.

Pretty sure OP is a woman

JustMaggie · 10/01/2023 10:27

Would it be possible to go for a visit just to get a feel for the city and neighbourhood you plan to relocate to? Maybe you could see the school, find out how many shootings have happened in the area? It might not be as bad as you think. I think this is a big decision for you as a family to make. It would be best to make it with as many facts as you can. Make an as informed decision as you can.

Original poster
Nogbreaks · 10/01/2023 10:27

OP is a woman! Didn't think it was relevant but there you go...

OP posts:
SleeplessInEngland · 10/01/2023 10:28

Would it be too outing to just say the city? Might be easier to give advice, and the question is much broader than just school shootings anyway.

AnxiousPancreas · 10/01/2023 10:30

Nogbreaks · 10/01/2023 10:27

OP is a woman! Didn't think it was relevant but there you go...

Unfortunately, many posters will use that as a deciding factor on whether or not to agree with you. Baffling.

Radioradio8 · 10/01/2023 10:31

School shootings aside (although I also struggle with America for those reasons), I moved to a new city at the same age as your youngest dc and I found it quite traumatic. My sibling (who didn’t find it as difficult as me to settle in) was the same age as your older DC - but would never move her own children as a consequence of how she found it.

I would wait until they’ve left school before a move like that, tbh. The moment - which would have been when they were little - has passed for those kinds of moves in my opinion.

Beees · 10/01/2023 10:32

Happy settled teens and a supportive community are the dream. I wouldn't move them at that age and I'd be mindful of the fact if you did move once settled fora few years realistically the chances of them leaving the US to come back to the UK would be low.

Original poster
Nogbreaks · 10/01/2023 10:33

'Would it be possible to go for a visit just to get a feel for the city and neighbourhood you plan to relocate to?'

Have been, DW used to live there. It's guns and drugs that I'm worried about.

Statistically it's one of the 'safer' US cities for guns, they average one murder a week.

OP posts:
SleeplessInEngland · 10/01/2023 10:34

How do your children feel about it. 11 and 13 definitely aren't great ages to have that big a move, but maybe they'd like the idea...

MandaLynn · 10/01/2023 10:35

I'm an American, grew up on the east coast - now living in the UK.

I wouldn't go.

Partly due to the upheaval of your children and their schooling, leaving an established community of support, etc. But I would never go back to the states when my children are school age, particularly due to concerns around guns and school shootings.

I still remember being 10ths old, brought into an assembly after the Columbine shooting. Being told what had happened and that we would start having active shooter drills. I remember how terrified I was each time, hiding under our desks or in closets while the Principal would walk through the hallway jiggling the classroom door handle to check it was locked. I feel a bit traumatised from the drills, let alone the possibility of an actually shooting event

Trinity65 · 10/01/2023 10:36

PoolBreachWatch · 10/01/2023 10:20

So that should automatically be your wife’s work because she’s a woman?

Maybe she’s going to the US and hoping you don’t come too.

Show quote history

ALWAYS One

eurochick · 10/01/2023 10:37

Some posters on here really take the biscuit. "Wife work" is a well-known phrase. Ffs.

I understand your concerns about school shootings. I'd probably be more concerned about the impact of potentially two international moves for your children.

dreamingbohemian · 10/01/2023 10:41

Oh just say the city!
Any East Coast city has miles of suburbs to feel safe in.

That's quite a nasty thing to say about Baltimore.

mindutopia · 10/01/2023 10:42

I'm your wife (American, living in the UK). Personally, I would never move back. I was so glad to see the back of it when I left and even returning for a visit grates on my nerves. BUT if it's something you'd like to do for the adventure, on £200K+ a year, I would go if I could afford private school. I went to private school in the US and we absolutely had no worries about school shootings. I would not move to the US to put my kids in a public (state) school, no way, even a good one, as the education is in no way comparable to what you would get in the UK.

The only other concern (besides cost of health care - even if you have insurance, it can be ridiculous) is transitioning back into the UK education system when you return. What years will they be in? How feasible will that be without messing with exams years? If they want to go to uni in the UK, will they be sufficiently prepared? Coming from a US school to a UK uni would have a been a huge shock to me as it's a very different approach to study (I say this as a uni lecturer).

Choconut · 10/01/2023 10:45

Terrible idea at your kids ages when they are settles and happy.

golfwidow88 · 10/01/2023 10:45

I mean, it sounds like an amazing opportunity. But I would also be cautious re the gun laws and school shootings.

Will they be attending a private school? I am not sure if that is any 'better' in terms of shootings...

Also, they are such tricky ages! They might not want to come back to the UK after a few years as they would have met new friends etc? Have you both spoken to them about it yet?

MavisMcMinty · 10/01/2023 10:46

I loathe the gun situation in the US, and it’s one of the things that stopped me ever wanting to work there, but realistically tens of millions of children don’t get gunned down at school. How do your children feel about it? You know that “a few years” will pass in the blink of an eye, but for children time goes much slower, “a few years” of being unhappy and homesick will seem very much longer to them.

Swimswam · 10/01/2023 10:47

Honestly ? I would go. It’s a chance to broaden horizons, experience something new.

MarshaBradyo · 10/01/2023 10:50

I think you both have to be happy with the move

If it were me and the offer was there with all the life we’ve built up and what you mention, I wouldn’t go

MindatWork · 10/01/2023 10:50

Honestly OP I'd feel the same as you. My DH works for a large silicon valley tech company and we could realistically move to California for a secondment. I'd have been really keen pre-DC but now we have a 4 year-old DD I don't think I could do it.

I've seen TikToks about US parents sending their children to school with bullet proof backpacks and talking about shooter drills etc. I know social media isn't representative of the real situation and you shouldn't believe everything you read, etc, but the whole gun culture in the US absolutely confounds me and I think I'd struggle to feel comfortable.

We've travelled extensively in the US and I'll never forget driving through Louisiana and seeing numerous sections of the highway renamed as memorials for police officers who'd been shot and killed in the line of duty...

thuytien · 10/01/2023 10:52

I would go for it. Although I had just this instant read about a vigilante customer in a Texas restaurant shot 9 times to kill a robber who used a fake gun to get money and was leaving. Nothing new. Yesterday a six year old pupil shot and injured his teacher.

I would not actively seek to live in America but when opportunities like this arose you should take it to broaden your life experiences.

Muddledbutwellmeaning · 10/01/2023 10:55

What are the chances of getting into a good school in NYC @Nogbreaks ?

Am sure you know already but you could be talking a 1.5 hour commute from parts of LI for eg.

Sling · 10/01/2023 10:56

I just moved teenagers internationally, it was not done lightly - it is proving very challenging as we expected, but in some aspects even worse than expected.

So regardless of salary and location

  1. how will your kids react? Honestly even the most resilient teen is going to find it tough.
  2. if you move them now - would you move them again or are you committed to 7 years there and possibly them staying for Uni
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