To be worried about school shootings/guns?

[Nogbreaks]

DW, American, has the opportunity to take a great job in a US East coast city. She's keen, having lived her for 20 years, to go for a few years ( maybe more) with the kids. She was approached for this role, wasn't seeking it, nor have we be planning on ever living in the USA, though it has come up from time to time.

Apart from the obvious - we'd be uprooting our 11 and 13 year olds who are very happy, settled in school, I'd have to find a job ( though could get a green card as we're married), we have a fantastic community and network around us which I find particularly helpful as I do the most of the 'wife work' on top of my FT time job as DW is the main earner by a long chalk, we'd be moving to a city where we know no-one at all...

I'm really GENUINELY worried about the safety of our kids going to a school in the US. I don't want them to have shooter drills and all that comes with it. I don't want to take them on what we could dress up as an adventure where we have to worried about the gun culture in the city were in. As an East coast city it does have stricter gun laws, but pretty much anyone can still have a weapon.

Is that a daft reason to refuse to go? My career and aspirations there are 2nd as I could maybe maybe transfer with my current company, and I'm acutely aware of all DW has given up to live in the UK all this time with me.

@saltinesandcoffeecups You missed my update on salary - closer to $300k with $500k realistic on performance bonus. Plus I work, £70k ish in GBP...

Sorry I meant getting a tutor. I didn't mean for you to do it yourself 🤣

So the money would go on hiring a home school teacher.

I think we cross posted. Yeah, you’ll be comfortable on that in any region 🙂

Not forgetting the kids would come back able to speak another language - and you’re what? A one hour flight away from the UK?

That was a good comparison btw - g hadn’t thought of it like that. Putting sll of Europe togand comparing living conditions.

.. also, can I just say, would anyone like to say what they’re saying about Baltimore to Anne Fine’s face?😂 She has has a lot of warmth for Baltimore and it transmits .. on paper! X

there are any number if ways one could meet their maker, so to speak, why let that hold you back, get the appropriate training and hopefully then all the best

.. may have had a glass of 🍷

I wouldn’t for for education disruption reasons.

But the gun thing wouldn’t bother me. I look at statistical risks and it’s still incredibly low.

I would be concerned too. Bigger question is hether this is the best choice for each family member.

This is such a difficult one. I live on the east coast (having grown up in England) and have been here for the last 8+ years. So much of it is incredibly dependent on the community you end up in - we've lived in multiple states and most places won out against the UK in terms of quality of life, but some didn't. Overall we love it though, and despite the fun crime worry (a big one) I wouldn't move back now. A couple of things to consider:

• In terms of healthcare being taken care of, be aware that even if you have health insurance (even the good policies), copays can be hefty and a hospital stay can cripple you financially if your coverage isn't great. Look into this in detail. That being said, the healthcare we've experienced out here (whilst expensive) has been nothing short of excellent at every turn. Minimal (if any) wait to be seen/undergo tests, preventative rather than just reactive healthcare, high quality services and no issues getting seen.

• Your kids are at a difficult age to move in terms of friendships but if the place is a good spot to move to, could have a bunch of new experiences. Sorry if I've missed it, but do they feel about the move?

• Access to family is so important. We moved out swearing we'd be back to visit all the time and have only managed to make it back home once in the last 8 years - we simply cannot afford it. Granted, our salary isn't what your DW's would be but even if it was, it's quite a trip with four of you. People told me I wouldn't be doing it often and I brushed it off but really, the distance home is significant. I'm lucky in that I have family out here now but if they'd still been in the UK, I don't think I'd have stayed. If it were me, the support and community you have already might be the deal breaker. If it's only for a few years though, you might be fine.

• Quality of life out here for us has genuinely been much higher. More space, more for your money in terms of properties (depending on location), heaps to do and generally better weather. Lots of lovely things the country embraces like the fall, thanksgiving etc. Americans get a lot of slack in terms of stereotypes but in general, the people we've met out here have gone out of their way to be kind, open, welcoming and helpful however they can. Politics can be tricky to navigate but that being said, it's easy enough to surround yourself with like minded people.

Anyway, sorry for the essay, but hope this helps. It's a tough one. Good luck

Thanks, helpful advice. Healthcare would only be a concern if this job when r. The company so full insurance AND cover any Co-pays etc. on top of that as part of the relocation plan as they’re a European company.
we’re lucky enough to be able to afford to come back to the U.K. and my family are all in a position to travel to the US no probs.

I suppose the thing is - I’m not looking to relocate anywhere. We all have European passports and can go get a job anywhere in Europe, my company is massive and Would support relocations to other countries, we have been able to relocate to the US as an option for a very long time.

And yet, here we are.

For “not that much more” no I wouldn’t do it. Your DW will be 10 hours drive from parents - how long does it take you to get to them now?

So you're looking at almost $600,000 a year. That is SO MUCH MONEY, you will have so many options to deal with any problems you have.

I think what you need to calibrate is how resentful your wife might be if you don't let her take the job. It's an incredible opportunity.

I'm half of an expat couple and it's not as simple as, you moved here so now we're staying here. It's a two-way street, she made the choice to move to your country but you made the choice to marry someone with strong ties to another country. Of course you don't have to move but it's something to be negotiated in good faith, at least really consider it and acknowledge your wife's strong feelings.

It doesn't have to be now but it's opened your mind to options once your DC's have finished their education, which you'd not considered before.

Money information going up from $200k to $500k for her obviously changes things.

For £500k a year I would move to Siberia even! 😄

I think your children are the wrong age for this, to be honest. The 13 year old especially.
I suppose a British School would help with regard to them following a UK curriculum and taking exams that are compatible. But then if they decided to stay in the US, would that be a disadvantage to them?

Just one consideration: if your children want to go to university in the UK, you will need to have been resident here for the previous three years, otherwise you pay international fees and don't have access to student loans.
Also a good point.

Do you think that your wife and kids would want to stay in the US permanently after this? How would you feel about that?

School shootings are actually quite rare in America. A quick search suggests there were about 300 incidents last year but only 51 that resulted in injuries or deaths. So basically one a week that actually causes physical harm (I know, that doesn't take holidays into account). Given there are over 115,000 schools in the US that's a tiny percentage, about 0.04% of schools have an incident where someone gets injured or killed.

'Money information going up from $200k to $500k for her obviously changes things.'

I know this sounds stupid, but it's not the money. We are comfortably off here in the UK with both our jobs ( earn about £250k between us) and I know too many people earning that kind of money who really aren't particularly happy. A job paying you that much ( although half of the amount is bonus so not guaranteed) controls you, own you almost in my experience.

There is the option for this role to be Europe based, with the same salary deal.

This may be true but on $200 I don’t think private school would be doable

Private school would be our last choice, and only considered for continuity of UK education as the plan would be to come back here in 2/3 years.
We're both WC backgrounds and our kids are currently in bog std UK state schools

. also, can I just say, would anyone like to say what they’re saying about Baltimore to Anne Fine’s face?😂 She has has a lot of warmth for Baltimore and it transmits .. on paper! X'

I'm sure she's aware that the violent crime rate is 2 x 3x that of the average in a country that already has fairly high crime rates... I wouldn't move to Detroit either. There, I said it!
But we're also avoiding much of the South because we're a LGBTQ+ family ( and yes I have been there a LOT as DW is from the South) and I know that you have places like Austin in Texas, where it's pretty liberal, but then you have the rest of Texas... or Ashville in NC, but then there's the rest of NC...

The only benefit of moving seems to be the money, but it sounds like you don’t need it. Especially as you have not been paying for private school to this point, you must be very comfortable on £250k and have loads of savings.

Therefore I’m not seeing any pull factors that would make it worth the risk and upset of uprooting everyone and disrupting the kids’ education. And yes school shootings would worry me too (although probably if you look at the stats it’s not warranted).

(How often are you planning to make the 24 hour round trip to the in-laws?!)

'The only benefit of moving seems to be the money'

We spend it on schooling, travel etc I reckon. We don't need/want more money.

The benefit, as DW sees it, is amazing, exciting role that would impress anyone, so therefore I suppose a good thing for future work down the line and being back in the USA for a while.