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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wanting me to get a different job after MAT leave

301 replies

Crocodilefortheday · 10/01/2023 09:27

Aibu to think DH doesn’t get to dictate that I get a less senior job after MAT leave? I’m head of my department but currently on MAT leave. DH is trying to insist I step down as a head of department and get a less senior job (within the same area of work) and of course this would come with a pay cut. He’s saying it’s so I’ll have more time with the baby but I’ve tried to explain to him that my working hours are likely to be the same anyway so I might as well stay as head of department for more money (I will still see my baby so his point there isn’t really valid). He’s getting grumpy about this and says I’m “not listening” to his “instructions” but I don’t think what job I do is for him to dictate. We both earn about the same.

OP posts:
silverbubbles · 10/01/2023 12:37

He is clearly worried about having to be a proper equal in terms of childcare /commitments etc.

Its a good thing that he is considering all these things and realises that sacrifices will have to be made. He just needs to accept his role in all of this.

grumpycow1 · 10/01/2023 12:40

MzHz · 10/01/2023 10:33

Tbf, after a baby IS one of the times controlling arseholes make an appearance

he thinks you’re trapped. He thinks you’re going to do whatever he says.

tell him to ftfo with his instructions and you won’t be sacrificing your career for him or anyone else unless YOU decide to. He doesn’t INSTRUCT you on anything and whatever BS in his head has lead to this, he can undo now because you’re NOT listening to it.

Show quote history

This! He may not have been controlling before but now there is a perceived ‘threat’ to his job/earning power etc - he is trying to grind you down to be the default parent. Who cares if you lose your career progression as long as it doesn’t affect him in any way. Selfish twit.

BIWI · 10/01/2023 12:45

@Crocodilefortheday

One of the things I keep coming back to in your posts is the language that you've used. Because it suggests that the power balance in your relationship is already out of whack.

He 'instructs'
You 'suggest'

No!

Time to, as they say, take back control.

You decide what childcare you're going to use, so that it enables (both of) you to go back to work in roles that you wish to fulfil. You then tell him that this is what you're going to do. (Obviously makes good sense to have costed it out first, so that you know it's financially viable).

There can't be any other reason for his 'suggestion' and refusal to discuss issues with you than him wanting you to be at home, tied to the kitchen sink and doing all the childcare and wifework.

Don't be that woman!

IncompleteSenten · 10/01/2023 12:45

Don't do it.

He wants you to do the bulk of childrearing and I bet my last penny, housework too.

Keep earning your money. And save.

Never ever leave yourself even slightly dependent on anyone who orders you to follow their instructions.

BIWI · 10/01/2023 12:46

... oh, and if he objects to your plan (note: not suggestion), then you can have an adult debate about the issues he might have with it, so that you agree something which is mutually agreeable

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 10/01/2023 12:48

Crocodilefortheday · 10/01/2023 09:27

Aibu to think DH doesn’t get to dictate that I get a less senior job after MAT leave? I’m head of my department but currently on MAT leave. DH is trying to insist I step down as a head of department and get a less senior job (within the same area of work) and of course this would come with a pay cut. He’s saying it’s so I’ll have more time with the baby but I’ve tried to explain to him that my working hours are likely to be the same anyway so I might as well stay as head of department for more money (I will still see my baby so his point there isn’t really valid). He’s getting grumpy about this and says I’m “not listening” to his “instructions” but I don’t think what job I do is for him to dictate. We both earn about the same.

Will he be stepping down from his job to spend more time with the baby?

Tell him to get fucked, but that might be my mood today

Climbles · 10/01/2023 12:50

Eh? Doesn’t even make sense if your hours would be the same. What is his real issue? Does he want to be the big man who earns the most or did you used to do a lot of overtime and he thinks he’s be left holding the baby?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 10/01/2023 12:53

Crocodilefortheday · 10/01/2023 09:27

Aibu to think DH doesn’t get to dictate that I get a less senior job after MAT leave? I’m head of my department but currently on MAT leave. DH is trying to insist I step down as a head of department and get a less senior job (within the same area of work) and of course this would come with a pay cut. He’s saying it’s so I’ll have more time with the baby but I’ve tried to explain to him that my working hours are likely to be the same anyway so I might as well stay as head of department for more money (I will still see my baby so his point there isn’t really valid). He’s getting grumpy about this and says I’m “not listening” to his “instructions” but I don’t think what job I do is for him to dictate. We both earn about the same.

I hope you 'dictate' to him what he shpild do woth his career..

Who does he think he is? Your slave master?

pocketvenuss · 10/01/2023 12:55

OP is he someone you can usually discuss things with? Have you sat him down and told him that a) he does not instruct you b) he is an equal parent to this child c) you are both earning similar money so there is no specific reason you can see why your career should take a hit d) what is his thinking about long term parenting and working? Is it different from yours!
This really should have been discussed before starting a family.

Eixample · 10/01/2023 12:57

He wants, and has assumed he will have, the deal that an awful lot of men seem to still get where the mother is the default parent and his life actually improves because his responsibilities around the home decrease. They may really believe that women are happier looking after babies than men.
Maternity leave brings a really unhelpful dynamic into play where you are the default parent and housekeeper. He’s done you a favour making his attitudes apparent so early, so you know you have to stick to your guns about splitting free time, baby tasks and housework equally from the first day, and can also consider whether you want to be in an unequal marriage at all. You’re in a strong position as you haven’t made any career compromises yet — ensure you don’t.
And watch out for strategic incompetence in baby care, it’s a classic.

BlueMediterranean · 10/01/2023 13:01

TeeHeeQuodSheAndClaptTheWindowTo · 10/01/2023 09:41

If you’re in a lower paying job with less responsibility, he thinks you’ll be able to take time off more easily when the baby is ill or childcare falls through.

I’ll bet a pound to a penny that’s it. He’s positioning himself as the one with the important job that couldn’t possibly be disrupted for the child.

Br strong and very careful just now, OP. Do not give up that job for anything. I suspect there’s worse to come.

This!!!! 100%

amusedbush · 10/01/2023 13:06

I'd be "instructing" him to eat a bag of dicks, frankly.

As others have said, he clearly thinks a less senior job means you'll be able to take time away from work every time the child is unwell or off school. Which is hilarious because I've never had as little flexibility or autonomy as I did when I was in more junior roles.

This is a huge red flag - how much are we betting that he's going to be Far Too Busy and Tired every time the baby needs a nappy change or wakes up in the night?

MajorCarolDanvers · 10/01/2023 13:09

Instruct him to get a different job with less pay so he spends more time with baby.

Then remind him it's not the 1959s any more.

moreshitandnofuckingredemption · 10/01/2023 13:11

bigbabycooker · 10/01/2023 10:54

Ask him to write 500 words, a manifesto, about why

  • he thinks that you should take a pay cut that won't really change your working hours, rather than just use that money to pay for better childcare and things to benefit your child
  • you should do it and not him

Then once he has done it, ask whether he would be totally happy to show this reasoning to a friend or sister.

I think that he will find it difficult and you will find it revealing.

OMG I love this

Giggorata · 10/01/2023 13:18

I would say that this is unbelievable cheek and sexism… but it is all too believable

pinkyredrose · 10/01/2023 13:28

No he’s not usually this controlling.

In what other way's is he controlling? Does he not like you go out etc?

OldFan · 10/01/2023 13:30

instructions

@Crocodilefortheday 'lol.'

You having to go for a lower ranking role (where you might well end up being stuck for life) is what women used to inevitably get stuck in years ago. My mum was a social work manager, but when she went back to work she was 'just' a social worker and she stayed that way. I think it was bosses that decided this'd be what she was doing when she came back, or maybe she did it so she could spend more time with us but then got stuck in it.

Things've hopefully moved on since the 70s.

Please don't do it if you don't want to.

OverTheRubicon · 10/01/2023 13:31

Depending on the salary, you may find that the more senior role gives you more flexibility, as you can afford more tailored childcare like a nanny share (or sole charge nanny), or extra support at home, ready meals etc. I looked into lower paid alternatives when changing jobs and found that I'd end up worse off and potentially with less time to properly spend with my kids.

NotAnotherCrisis · 10/01/2023 13:32

What. The. Fuck.

billy1966 · 10/01/2023 13:38

Uninterestedfamily · 10/01/2023 09:31

He's not suggesting it for the sake of you or the baby. It's occurred to him that once your mat leave is over, he'll be expected to do more with the baby and at home, and doesn't want to. Twat (him).

HUGE red flag.

Be very careful.

Hang on tight to that job, stay very close to family and friends and don't hesitate to tell them of his "instructions".

He's just shown you that he is capable of coercive control and of abusing you.

Give Women's aid a call for a chat.

Good men do not behave like this.

This is not normal.

Be very very wary of this behaviour.

Well done for posting and realising you need support.

sueelleker · 10/01/2023 13:44

This is a huge red flag - how much are we betting that he's going to be Far Too Busy and Tired every time the baby needs a nappy change or wakes up in the night?
Because he's so busy with his Very Important Job.

Squamata · 10/01/2023 13:48

I think however committed to equality couples can appear, sometimes when a baby comes along men go all 'You have to do what my mum did' and it's the end of mat leave this kicks in, when they may have got used to having a partner at home maybe cooking/cleaning more than previously. They secretly enjoy the trad set up of bringing home the bacon to wife and baby.

Cue concern that childcare providers aren't good enough, that the house isn't clean enough, development of new hobbies that take them out of the house a lot. Having a child involves a lot of drudgery and it's only human not to want to do it, but if you respect your partner you find a fair way of dividing it all up. What a lot of men do is just neglect to step up so the woman ends up holding it all together.

Sometimes, you can't maintain the same impetus in both of your careers that you achieved pre-baby and something has to give. I don't think women stepping back from careers a bit is that bad if the alternative is burnout, stress, relationship breakdown etc. But it has to be what you choose, not what he dictates.

Bestcatmum · 10/01/2023 13:51

Don't have any more children with this prick.

LongerThanADryJanuary23 · 10/01/2023 13:54

Crocodilefortheday · 10/01/2023 09:29

I have suggested that and he point blank refused.

Show quote history

That's good, you can point blank refuse him too 🤗

Sunnyjac · 10/01/2023 13:56

Why doesn't he want to drop to less hours to spend more time with the baby? And why does he think he can give you "instructions"?! So much wrong there.