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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP won't lend me his carrier bags

707 replies

Feelquiteisolated · 08/01/2023 23:16

I know this sounds totally ridiculous but DP and I had a fall out today over carrier bags.

DP is organised, he carries 3 carrier bags in his coat and more in his car and house. I spend most weekends at his house and I have bags in my car but none in my coat. Today we went shopping and I had no bags. Had I been alone I would have bought some, but he had some. He wouldn't loan me one of his 3 in his pockets, and said I needed to buy my own.

I was not happy. I bought his lunch and dinner yesterday and during the shopping trip he added an item that cost £1.30 so I was like "well I'm worth a 20p bag!"

He ended up loaning me the bag but tonight he expressed his unhappiness on WhatsApp. He said I have no right to spoil his systems, I don't respect him, he doesn't want my mess adding to his mess. He said it's a tragedy because he can see himself ending up with no bags.

He said I need to know my behaviour was not acceptable. But I really just think if he has something I need why would he make me buy it, it feels humiliating to me. But perhaps I'm missing the point and I need to pay for not being organised.

I feel like I generally pay for more than him, well no, I know this is true. I pay for 80% of our meals out, I drive over 50% of the time, I buy him treats etc.

So he said all that and then said for me to stop being dramatic because he was going to bed. This was before 9.30pm. I'm left feeling a bit abandoned, isolated and lonely. I don't really think I'm a needy person but I feel this way quite often.

This is totally outing if he reads it, but oh well.

AIBU? should I buy and carry my own bags and buy them while out even if I would only need to borrow for a short time?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
stopthebarking · 09/01/2023 02:03

Honestly, if he's this uptight, you're probably not compatible in a number of ways.

I'd stop spending money on him. His changing the subject when you brought up what you do for him is a sign that he knows he's being ridiculous, but if this is the hill he wants to die on...

I wouldn't want to live with a man who would guilt me over the course of hours for something as silly as a carrier bag!

Undertheoldlindentree · 09/01/2023 02:15

"I washed a cup wrong in his sink today and he flicked water in my face (there's never been any violence tho)"

This is abuse and a precursor to physical violence. Do not trust him - the time that he turns violent could be your last moments on earth. You won't necessarily get a warning that things are escalating.

JennyJenny8675309 · 09/01/2023 02:53

neverknowinglyunreasonable · 08/01/2023 23:21

It sounds like there is a lot of troublesome baggage in this relationship

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

EasterIsland · 09/01/2023 03:06

YANBU.

He sounds as though you have to fit yourself into his life. His commands to you are outrageous. Telling you to stop being dramatic etc.

What’s in this relationship for you?

mathanxiety · 09/01/2023 03:12

There is something seriously wrong with your boyfriend.

Dump him and send him a bill for every penny you remember spending on him for the last two weeks.

BeverForget · 09/01/2023 03:34

Dump.
Just that.

ThisIsntDanicaBritannica · 09/01/2023 03:41

Tell Sheldon his man child stingy selfish ways are not renewed for a new series of Big Bang Theory.
Throw this one back, OP, unless he can make huge strides in understanding, defining and managing his anxiety or possibly neurodivergence - although the latter may limit his ability to change. Not his fault, but not something you have to live with either if you don’t choose.

BadNomad · 09/01/2023 03:51

How odd. Was he being petty because he's annoyed that you won't eat what cooks? A bit like "If you insist on going shopping, then it's your problem to deal with".

whatthefactuall · 09/01/2023 03:55

Does he have ASD, OCD or a learning disability? Because this isn’t ‘normal’ behaviour. A plastic bag ffs. I sorry you have to share a bed with someone so petty.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 09/01/2023 03:55

I've been an advocate for many years that everybody should be issued with three 'Bags for Life' at birth, by the Government.

These would be the ONLY bags that you ever have for your entire life. Should you lose all of them, you would have to carry shopping etc. in your arms, rather like in the game 'Double or Drop' in Crackerjack. Alternatively, in this situation, one could contact Dignitas in Switzerland for a quick resolution.

This is one of many idea I have to reduce landfill but seemingly the Government doesn't want to adopt it. Even my MP has stopped responding to my emails Sad

TulipCat · 09/01/2023 04:10

Hopefully the ridiculousness of this incident serves as the impetus for you to dump him. Imagine this petty drama in your life on a regular basis for years to come.

kateandme · 09/01/2023 04:17

This man clearly has issues.
The words you use like. His systems.his bags.his same meals.the 3 bags then 3 bags elsewhere.the everythi g done to preciseness. It's ocd or other.
But and big BUT people with mental illness aren't cruel.arent horrid and often very much kinder people that y they get the bloody illness in the first place.
So there is no need for him to take his shit out like this on you.
When people with it go wro g they can get frustrated,scared.but always always aware and often feel so shit for taking their crap out on those they love.
And or work hard to make sure they can cope in living in the real world
If he is unable to.and is behaving in this way then nah.hes being a dick. And maybe is a dick with issues.
You can often stay with people with all sorts of conditions.because u see how hard they work.u see the actual good on them and half the time they take the shit out on themselves inwardly. You support partners,children friends etc. But this bloke doesn't seem to give you anything back.and is making you miserable.
When you don't have an issue based event does he make you happy?

pelargoniums · 09/01/2023 04:19

Feelquiteisolated · 08/01/2023 23:57

Thank you everyone.

As for paying for more, he doesn't want to eat out, he says that I do and it's inferior food so he shouldn't pay. But he has the same 3 meals every day. I don't like them (I don't hate them but I can't eat the same 3 meals every day) so when I'm there we have issues.

He criticises everything I do, he tells me to speed up if I'm doing 40 in a 50, he goes crazy if I drive at more than 55 on the motorway. This is my own car, that he contributes zero to. I shower wrong or at the wrong time. I moisturise my face wrong, I washed a cup wrong in his sink today and he flicked water in my face (there's never been any violence tho)

This must look like a total dripfeed, it's not, I'm just feeling a bit upset about the whole day but mostly him telling me I'm being dramatic and then going to bed leaving me feeling abandoned. To the poster that said this is a red flag, I totally agree!

DUMP HIM. He is a horrible crinkly stretchy-handled thin-plastic carrier bag of a human. He is not your bag for life!!

TheLadyofShalott1 · 09/01/2023 04:23

Sorry @Feelquiteisolated,

I have only read the first page of your thread, so apologies if you have already been asked this question before:

As you are obviously going out with Roy Cropper - who I know has many admiral qualities - can you tell me please what it is about him that makes you actually fancy him?

Whotsit · 09/01/2023 04:39

Feelquiteisolated · 08/01/2023 23:57

Thank you everyone.

As for paying for more, he doesn't want to eat out, he says that I do and it's inferior food so he shouldn't pay. But he has the same 3 meals every day. I don't like them (I don't hate them but I can't eat the same 3 meals every day) so when I'm there we have issues.

He criticises everything I do, he tells me to speed up if I'm doing 40 in a 50, he goes crazy if I drive at more than 55 on the motorway. This is my own car, that he contributes zero to. I shower wrong or at the wrong time. I moisturise my face wrong, I washed a cup wrong in his sink today and he flicked water in my face (there's never been any violence tho)

This must look like a total dripfeed, it's not, I'm just feeling a bit upset about the whole day but mostly him telling me I'm being dramatic and then going to bed leaving me feeling abandoned. To the poster that said this is a red flag, I totally agree!

the amount of control he needs makes me wonder if he has ASD/autism. How does he function at work and socially with others?

Sparklfairy · 09/01/2023 04:48

Feelquiteisolated · 08/01/2023 23:57

Thank you everyone.

As for paying for more, he doesn't want to eat out, he says that I do and it's inferior food so he shouldn't pay. But he has the same 3 meals every day. I don't like them (I don't hate them but I can't eat the same 3 meals every day) so when I'm there we have issues.

He criticises everything I do, he tells me to speed up if I'm doing 40 in a 50, he goes crazy if I drive at more than 55 on the motorway. This is my own car, that he contributes zero to. I shower wrong or at the wrong time. I moisturise my face wrong, I washed a cup wrong in his sink today and he flicked water in my face (there's never been any violence tho)

This must look like a total dripfeed, it's not, I'm just feeling a bit upset about the whole day but mostly him telling me I'm being dramatic and then going to bed leaving me feeling abandoned. To the poster that said this is a red flag, I totally agree!

I just KNEW this would be a pattern of behaviour. It already rubbed me up the wrong way with the whatsapp drama. What sort of person is 1) so completely mean spirited they kick up a fuss about LENDING someone a bag and then 2) stews on it enough they have to 'let you know' about your behaviour via whatsapp later. And the cherry on the cake, dump that mic drop on you and then accuse YOU of making a drama and shut the conversation down with 'I'm going to bed' Angry

2 years is a tricky time. It's new enough that these things are just starting to surface, or rather they were there all along and the rose tinted glasses start to fade at this point. But you've invested two years which feels like a long time on the wrong guy.

He's not going to change though. He nitpicks at you about EVERYTHING. Honestly, think long and hard about whether you really want this to be your life. These are basic things that should be a must in any relationship - kindness, respect, and you don't get them from him. I would be dumping him, probably via whatsapp message, citing his mean nature as the reason.

Intrepidescape · 09/01/2023 04:52

It sounds like he’s firmly on the spectrum. Or perhaps just OCD and an a-hole.

Why are you ever paying for him for anything? I’ve dated men who are losers and didn’t pay their way and these relationships never ever work out.

You need to tell him what you said right here. Or just show him this and the comments.

BigChesterDraws · 09/01/2023 04:54

He’s not your partner. A partner would let you use a shopping bag. Heck, partners wouldn’t even have “my bags, your bags”. It would be “our bags” or just “bags”.

nordicwannabe · 09/01/2023 05:05

If you continue this relationship, how do you picture your life in 1 year, 5 years, 20 years? Is that a happy thought or not?

BTW, don't forget that it's really difficult to maintain self-esteem when being constantly criticised. It's probably hard to account for that properly in your 'future pictures' since it has pretty wide-ranging impacts, across work, friendships, motivation to stay active and healthy etc.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 09/01/2023 05:05

He criticises everything I do, he tells me to speed up if I'm doing 40 in a 50, he goes crazy if I drive at more than 55 on the motorway. This is my own car, that he contributes zero to. I shower wrong or at the wrong time. I moisturise my face wrong, I washed a cup wrong in his sink today and he flicked water in my face (there's never been any violence tho)

Please end this. It isn't a relationship you or anyone would reasonably want to be in and, bag nonsense aside, it's undermining and not viable long term.

Paq · 09/01/2023 05:06

He's not a keeper OP, just be grateful you haven't married him or anything.

He sounds insane.

WanderlyWagonInWales · 09/01/2023 05:09

He sounds as tight as a nun’s knickers. LTB.

SleekMamma · 09/01/2023 05:13

LTB

You are not in a good relationship

Addicted2Sugar · 09/01/2023 05:14

I couldn't date a man, even if he looked like Brad Pitt, who carried 3 carrier bags in his coat! One thing though, does his coat look very bulky?

If he is short or bags, send him to mine, I have eleven billion and will still end up buying more this week no doubt.

Does he display traits in all parts of his life that point towards his being neuro diverse?

SunshineAndFizz · 09/01/2023 05:21

Addicted2Sugar · 09/01/2023 05:14

I couldn't date a man, even if he looked like Brad Pitt, who carried 3 carrier bags in his coat! One thing though, does his coat look very bulky?

If he is short or bags, send him to mine, I have eleven billion and will still end up buying more this week no doubt.

Does he display traits in all parts of his life that point towards his being neuro diverse?

I was thinking the same. Who on Earth carries 3 bags in their coat pocket, all the time?!

Does he crinkle when he walks?