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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP won't lend me his carrier bags

707 replies

Feelquiteisolated · 08/01/2023 23:16

I know this sounds totally ridiculous but DP and I had a fall out today over carrier bags.

DP is organised, he carries 3 carrier bags in his coat and more in his car and house. I spend most weekends at his house and I have bags in my car but none in my coat. Today we went shopping and I had no bags. Had I been alone I would have bought some, but he had some. He wouldn't loan me one of his 3 in his pockets, and said I needed to buy my own.

I was not happy. I bought his lunch and dinner yesterday and during the shopping trip he added an item that cost £1.30 so I was like "well I'm worth a 20p bag!"

He ended up loaning me the bag but tonight he expressed his unhappiness on WhatsApp. He said I have no right to spoil his systems, I don't respect him, he doesn't want my mess adding to his mess. He said it's a tragedy because he can see himself ending up with no bags.

He said I need to know my behaviour was not acceptable. But I really just think if he has something I need why would he make me buy it, it feels humiliating to me. But perhaps I'm missing the point and I need to pay for not being organised.

I feel like I generally pay for more than him, well no, I know this is true. I pay for 80% of our meals out, I drive over 50% of the time, I buy him treats etc.

So he said all that and then said for me to stop being dramatic because he was going to bed. This was before 9.30pm. I'm left feeling a bit abandoned, isolated and lonely. I don't really think I'm a needy person but I feel this way quite often.

This is totally outing if he reads it, but oh well.

AIBU? should I buy and carry my own bags and buy them while out even if I would only need to borrow for a short time?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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RogersOrganismicProcess · 09/01/2023 01:08

The upsetting his “systems” comment also has got me thinking that he might be ND. My DN is the sweetest lad until his rigid rules are breached. If so he can seem quite rude/blamey due to the anxiety it causes him. He struggles to see situations from any one else’s perspective, so can’t understand how someone would do something he considers unreasonable. In the case of your partner: not carry own bags, drive below 50mph or above 55mph, wash dishes in certain ways, eat anything but x,y and z.

iliketartan · 09/01/2023 01:08

What a bag o' shite.

pinkpotatoez · 09/01/2023 01:09

Can't even fathom how you even end up with someone like this. Surely a person this odd wouldn't even make it to the second date.

excelledyourself · 09/01/2023 01:10

There's someone selling Tesco 2010 blue and white stripe bags on EBay for £150, so maybe he's not off his chump after all, but merely protecting his investments.

HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce · 09/01/2023 01:11

OP, find your self-respect.

You cannot possibly be happy in this relationship, with this ‘man’.

Wrest some control back in your own life, and do something about it.

I honestly cannot believe what I am reading.

Fraaahnces · 09/01/2023 01:17

WTF is attractive about this guy? From what I gather, living with him would be utterly unbearable - and these traits tend to exacerbate with age. Personally, I’d want to strangle him if I’d simply witnessed that interaction, and I don’t even know either of you!

DontStopMeNow7 · 09/01/2023 01:19

Dear god, dump this man now, this is not going to go well. He’s either a total weirdo or some kind of psychopath. None of this is normal and some of the things you describe are abusive. This is a man who needs to be in control of everything and therefore is controlling

whoyougonnacallGOATSBUTTER · 09/01/2023 01:22

I feel like I generally pay for more than him, well no, I know this is true. I pay for 80% of our meals out, I drive over 50% of the time, I buy him treats etc.

You need to change everything to 50/50. He doesn’t deserve your generosity.

Why do you give so much to someone who begrudges you a 20p bag?

GatoradeMeBitch · 09/01/2023 01:25

Is this the boiling lobster thing, that everything built up so slowly you just haven't had the space to realize this man brings nothing to your life but misery?

Judgyjudgy · 09/01/2023 01:28

I can only assume something deeper is at play ... surely Hmm

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 09/01/2023 01:31

Obviously the whole thing is ridiculous, but maybe he's sick of always being the organiser and the organised one and this pushed him over the edge. There's plenty of women on here ready to leave their husbands for exactly the same reason. It's exhausting mothering your spouse!!

Gremlinsateit · 09/01/2023 01:34

It’s not “mothering” to flick water in someone’s eyes because they washed a cup the “wrong” way. It’s the boiling frog of control and abuse.

KettrickenSmiled · 09/01/2023 01:35

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 09/01/2023 01:31

Obviously the whole thing is ridiculous, but maybe he's sick of always being the organiser and the organised one and this pushed him over the edge. There's plenty of women on here ready to leave their husbands for exactly the same reason. It's exhausting mothering your spouse!!

Hardly.
OP is the one doing most of the adulting in this relationship. He doesn't even pay his way. Or know how to cook more than 3 meals.

ArmyofMunn · 09/01/2023 01:37

He said I have no right to spoil his systems.

Literally...no words Shock

BirdyWoof · 09/01/2023 01:40

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 09/01/2023 01:31

Obviously the whole thing is ridiculous, but maybe he's sick of always being the organiser and the organised one and this pushed him over the edge. There's plenty of women on here ready to leave their husbands for exactly the same reason. It's exhausting mothering your spouse!!

Do you take time to read the full thread of just read a few sentences before jumping in with your such “sought” after opinion?

I’ll summarise. The guy-

  • won’t lend his partner a bag
  • doesn’t split things fairly and this is often to his financial benefit
  • doesn’t want to do things that OP enjoys and puts a downer on these things (ie going out for dinner)
  • nit picks how OP does basic, every day tasks, like driving her car and washing a mug
  • berates her for not doing things his way
  • goes off to bed in a huff knowing how that will make someone feel
  • continues these arguments through text to further drag OP down further

He isn’t “mothering” her. He’s completely suffocating her as a person and stifling every single part of her personality and character and he’ll keep going until there’s nothing left.

I really struggle to see how you’ve read a situation so wrongly.

Smallonesaremorejuicy · 09/01/2023 01:42

neverknowinglyunreasonable · 08/01/2023 23:21

It sounds like there is a lot of troublesome baggage in this relationship

😂😂😂😂😂

HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce · 09/01/2023 01:45

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 09/01/2023 01:31

Obviously the whole thing is ridiculous, but maybe he's sick of always being the organiser and the organised one and this pushed him over the edge. There's plenty of women on here ready to leave their husbands for exactly the same reason. It's exhausting mothering your spouse!!

You cannot be serious.

Have a quick re-read of the thread before you embarrass yourself further.

Guavafish1 · 09/01/2023 01:47

My husband has systems that he gets extremely upset if you mess with them... I try not to interfere with his system.

But my husband does not criticise me... he helps me in life... points out my wrongs in a gentle manner so life is better for me!

It's just sounds like he is a heavy burden and doesn't help you enjoy life. He also doesn't sound like he wants to compromise much too.

Are you really happy in your relationship or have you put up with bad habits for too long?

DDDN · 09/01/2023 01:51

I rarely post. But this one….

I seriously don’t get how women can find men like these remotely attractive. Like how does this man deserve to sleep with you if he cannot even loan you a bag? Or even if he has a disability and needs to stick to his rules, he could have just bought you a bag to make you feel less shitty.

I enjoy feeling masculine, being bossy, being the organised leader and just independent in general (knowing I don’t NEED a man to care for me) but man I LOVE it when I can also just let go of those traits for a while and let him take care of me and be the organised one…the feeling of knowing I can depend on him is amazing!

Please no have a go at him saying women dont need to depend on men blah blah….In life women want to depend on men (men also want to depend on women), we also want to be able to depend on our parents, siblings, families, friends etc. But especially our partners!

You cannot even depend on this man to give you a bag, pay for a lunch, drive you somewhere. Simple things that even a stranger might do…

I don’t want to make you feel horrible OP but come on!! This is not how a man treats
a woman he has been dating for years. Man have shortcomings but your man is tipping the balance towards no redeeming trait?

What made you date him?
Anything lovely about him?
Are you a confident woman?

…this post is quite funny but EXTREMELY sad….

please have a firm chat and say listen while you are an independent woman and don’t NEED him to take care of you…you do WANT to be taken care of sometimes and do want him to take the reigns sometimes in this relationship.

wouldn’t it have been lovely if he messaged you and said ‘From now on Im carrying a fourth carrier - this one is especially for you. Only you can use it. Forgive me? Next lunch is my treat.’

Actually…just send him this message and say after 2 years aren’t I worth a message like this…and copy and paste it that. see what he responds…

Thepossibility · 09/01/2023 01:54

Are you a sucker for punishment?
This man isn't partner material, it sounds like he can barely tolerate you.
He needs to be single so he can have his rigid way without ever needing to compromise.

BootifulLoser · 09/01/2023 01:56

Back away slowly.

Nah, scratch that… run like hell!

Thepossibility · 09/01/2023 01:57

And I certainly wouldn't be buying treats for anyone that refused to lend me a bag that they had unused in their pocket. Utter disrespect.

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 09/01/2023 01:58

HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce · 09/01/2023 01:45

You cannot be serious.

Have a quick re-read of the thread before you embarrass yourself further.

Show quote history

I did, he also complained that she messes with his systems. I'd find it really annoying to be the organiser all the time.
She also says she pays for most things which I think is a different thing again (I'd also find this unattractive).
They just don't seem very compatible to me, obviously there's no give or take and I'm sure there's more that's going on than just a carrier bag

Busybutbored · 09/01/2023 02:00

Merryoldgoat · 09/01/2023 00:31

This thread is truly one of the best and maddest I’ve read on here.

I take it you're not following any of the H&M ones then 🤣

MagnoliatheMagnificent · 09/01/2023 02:01

Are there any good things about the relationship? This would drive me mad, very selfish and petty behaviour.
And btw I love putting my bags in the triangles!