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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP won't lend me his carrier bags

707 replies

Feelquiteisolated · 08/01/2023 23:16

I know this sounds totally ridiculous but DP and I had a fall out today over carrier bags.

DP is organised, he carries 3 carrier bags in his coat and more in his car and house. I spend most weekends at his house and I have bags in my car but none in my coat. Today we went shopping and I had no bags. Had I been alone I would have bought some, but he had some. He wouldn't loan me one of his 3 in his pockets, and said I needed to buy my own.

I was not happy. I bought his lunch and dinner yesterday and during the shopping trip he added an item that cost £1.30 so I was like "well I'm worth a 20p bag!"

He ended up loaning me the bag but tonight he expressed his unhappiness on WhatsApp. He said I have no right to spoil his systems, I don't respect him, he doesn't want my mess adding to his mess. He said it's a tragedy because he can see himself ending up with no bags.

He said I need to know my behaviour was not acceptable. But I really just think if he has something I need why would he make me buy it, it feels humiliating to me. But perhaps I'm missing the point and I need to pay for not being organised.

I feel like I generally pay for more than him, well no, I know this is true. I pay for 80% of our meals out, I drive over 50% of the time, I buy him treats etc.

So he said all that and then said for me to stop being dramatic because he was going to bed. This was before 9.30pm. I'm left feeling a bit abandoned, isolated and lonely. I don't really think I'm a needy person but I feel this way quite often.

This is totally outing if he reads it, but oh well.

AIBU? should I buy and carry my own bags and buy them while out even if I would only need to borrow for a short time?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Beancounter1 · 10/01/2023 18:46

Sherbetdib · 10/01/2023 18:35

OCD can often require people to be incredibly tidy, organised and have rigid routines. As can autism.
People can have disabilities and loving relationships but you both need to know and be aware.
Please don't just label him in an unpleasant way. It is a bit backward in this day and age.

Definitely this. He is clearly neurodiverse, so I think all the unpleasant comments are actually really nasty and discriminatory.

However, if you don't want to live like this then you don't have to. Don't stay with him just because of his neurodiversity as if it was a medical condition that you would feel guilty leaving him over.

Sennelier1 · 10/01/2023 18:46

This must be a joke, but if not : I'm the one who always has a folded bag (in my handbag) and my husband always "steals" it. I guess that's what it means to be a couple
😊

highlands21 · 10/01/2023 18:48

I think your partner quite clearly has some degree of autism?

fetchacloth · 10/01/2023 18:49

YANBU
Apart from the bag issue (potentially OCD maybe), he doesn't come across as the generous type, so OP, sadly you may want to consider where this relationship is going.

unreasonableornothelp · 10/01/2023 18:50

If this post is genuine I would suggest the guy has OCD based of the reference to spoiling his system and therefor this is why is caused him anxiety. Perhaps he does not recognise that this behaviour is not “normal or rational” but then OCD is not to anyone except the person.

ComfortablyDazed · 10/01/2023 18:50

Teaisonfire · 10/01/2023 18:45

Well sadly it’s always the carrier bags why don’t you have separate ones for each shop that you both own .

That you literally always carry on your person every time you step outside the house?

A separate bag for every shop you might go into………..?!

That is abnormal behaviour.

Teaisonfire · 10/01/2023 18:54

I only carry the bags to the supermarket , that’s all and your instantly attacking me every pair I make what is wrong ?.

Just because it’s one discount store I don’t go into doesn’t give people
the right to say what they want .

Mum3boyz · 10/01/2023 18:54

Your DP sounds like my husband. My husband has ASD. This sort of thing makes total sense to my DH. It may be worth considering if this is the case - although he may just be a very selfish person.
It can be lonely being in a relationship with someone with ASD. It can also be lonely being with someone who is very selfish!

Bleachmycloths · 10/01/2023 18:55

Fuck him off. He’s not normal. If you don’t, you’ll end up suffering. He’s a nutter.

Ladybug14 · 10/01/2023 18:58

Such a low bar, OP. Why do you respect yourself SO little?

buttermymuffins · 10/01/2023 18:59

Not sure if anyone else has suggested this but could your OH be on the autistic spectrum?

Teaisonfire · 10/01/2023 18:59

No do not tell people to rudely cuss off , what if someone commented on your posts and those vile comments just because it’s one small incident your making it out like it was the worst incident since ww2 pearl harbor December 7th 1941

Patineur · 10/01/2023 19:03

Teaisonfire · 10/01/2023 18:45

Well sadly it’s always the carrier bags why don’t you have separate ones for each shop that you both own .

Who keeps separate bags for each shop? I just pick up the first ones I find, if Tescos don't like me using Sainsbury's bags, tough.

Skodacool · 10/01/2023 19:03

steff13 · 09/01/2023 19:12

I would probably dump him for this. Or, I would give him nothing but carrier bags for all birthdays and holidays going forward. They're clearly very precious to him.

Brilliant 🤣

Sherbetdib · 10/01/2023 19:05

Bleachmycloths · 10/01/2023 18:55

Fuck him off. He’s not normal. If you don’t, you’ll end up suffering. He’s a nutter.

People are clearly suggesting that he may have a disability.
Your comment of 'he is not normal' so 'fuck him off' and 'he's a nutter' are truly disgraceful.
What a way to talk about people who you consider are disabled. Shameful.

Chocolatehamper · 10/01/2023 19:05

Vaccine001 · 08/01/2023 23:26

Autism?

That was my initial thought when I read the post. My son gets very upset if his routine is disturbed - not quite as bad as this but then they do say, you meet one person with Autism and you’ve met one person with Autism!

Teaisonfire · 10/01/2023 19:06

Let me speak , you don’t really see the point of this , the whole thing with this is simple , it’s just a pointless shopping bag that everyone has and the other issue is yes I do have a issue with Aldi it’s a disgraceful food supermarket. That is why I will never shop there by the way Waitrose has better products any day if the week

FootieMama · 10/01/2023 19:08

OP he might have mental health issues or he may be just stingy but if you want to continue this relationship it's very unlikely he will change for the better. What are the qualities that attracted you to him?

Madamum18 · 10/01/2023 19:08

Buy the bags that fold up into their own little Sac! Oxfam sells great ones "I was a sari" - really pretty and useful and take up no room so easy to keep in a coat pocket.

But his behaviour is I think very questionable, not just the bags but the way he treats you, criticises you and doesn't spend his money. Is this relationship worth it?

Patineur · 10/01/2023 19:09

Teaisonfire · 10/01/2023 19:06

Let me speak , you don’t really see the point of this , the whole thing with this is simple , it’s just a pointless shopping bag that everyone has and the other issue is yes I do have a issue with Aldi it’s a disgraceful food supermarket. That is why I will never shop there by the way Waitrose has better products any day if the week

Huh? Who is stopping you speaking? And what has Aldi got to do with anything?

Folklore9074 · 10/01/2023 19:10

Read all your posts OP and I think you’d be better off as friends. I’m sure he has good qualities but you don’t have much in common and the bag thing is just ridiculous. As a previous poster said, if he can’t lend you a carrier bag, you don’t live together, or agree on what eat, spend or a million other things how exactly is he a partner anyway? 🤷🏻‍♀️

pinkyredrose · 10/01/2023 19:10

What's the sex like OP, does he have a system for that too?

sobby · 10/01/2023 19:11

Feelquiteisolated · 08/01/2023 23:57

Thank you everyone.

As for paying for more, he doesn't want to eat out, he says that I do and it's inferior food so he shouldn't pay. But he has the same 3 meals every day. I don't like them (I don't hate them but I can't eat the same 3 meals every day) so when I'm there we have issues.

He criticises everything I do, he tells me to speed up if I'm doing 40 in a 50, he goes crazy if I drive at more than 55 on the motorway. This is my own car, that he contributes zero to. I shower wrong or at the wrong time. I moisturise my face wrong, I washed a cup wrong in his sink today and he flicked water in my face (there's never been any violence tho)

This must look like a total dripfeed, it's not, I'm just feeling a bit upset about the whole day but mostly him telling me I'm being dramatic and then going to bed leaving me feeling abandoned. To the poster that said this is a red flag, I totally agree!

You are being mentally abused please end the relationship, he is wearing you done with all his continual criticisms and controlling you .

he does sound as he could be on the spectrum and won’t be able to change. Your relationship isn’t working out and deep down you probably already know that . You are both very different and it’s a negative and harmful relationship.

Hbee88 · 10/01/2023 19:11

Dear oh dear. Run awayyyyyy.

Sherbetdib · 10/01/2023 19:12

Folklore9074 · 10/01/2023 19:10

Read all your posts OP and I think you’d be better off as friends. I’m sure he has good qualities but you don’t have much in common and the bag thing is just ridiculous. As a previous poster said, if he can’t lend you a carrier bag, you don’t live together, or agree on what eat, spend or a million other things how exactly is he a partner anyway? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I wondered at the use of 'partner' to describe their relationship. It might be he doesn't see it quite like that .....He may see you as a friend rather than a 'partner' ?