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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP won't lend me his carrier bags

707 replies

Feelquiteisolated · 08/01/2023 23:16

I know this sounds totally ridiculous but DP and I had a fall out today over carrier bags.

DP is organised, he carries 3 carrier bags in his coat and more in his car and house. I spend most weekends at his house and I have bags in my car but none in my coat. Today we went shopping and I had no bags. Had I been alone I would have bought some, but he had some. He wouldn't loan me one of his 3 in his pockets, and said I needed to buy my own.

I was not happy. I bought his lunch and dinner yesterday and during the shopping trip he added an item that cost £1.30 so I was like "well I'm worth a 20p bag!"

He ended up loaning me the bag but tonight he expressed his unhappiness on WhatsApp. He said I have no right to spoil his systems, I don't respect him, he doesn't want my mess adding to his mess. He said it's a tragedy because he can see himself ending up with no bags.

He said I need to know my behaviour was not acceptable. But I really just think if he has something I need why would he make me buy it, it feels humiliating to me. But perhaps I'm missing the point and I need to pay for not being organised.

I feel like I generally pay for more than him, well no, I know this is true. I pay for 80% of our meals out, I drive over 50% of the time, I buy him treats etc.

So he said all that and then said for me to stop being dramatic because he was going to bed. This was before 9.30pm. I'm left feeling a bit abandoned, isolated and lonely. I don't really think I'm a needy person but I feel this way quite often.

This is totally outing if he reads it, but oh well.

AIBU? should I buy and carry my own bags and buy them while out even if I would only need to borrow for a short time?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Tiani4 · 09/01/2023 10:44

We're a family of ND disorders, ADHD, OCD and autism spectrum disorder

Not one of us would be a dick about bags. If it wasn't an obsession they'd still get lent but replaced That's not ND that's selfishness.

iwantmyownicecreamvan · 09/01/2023 10:44

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 09/01/2023 09:46

Surprised myself, when I found this!

Show quote history

OMG that's three minutes I won't get back.
It's annoyed me on so many levels.

BliainNua · 09/01/2023 10:45

.... But he is sweet, thoughtful, intelligent and funny, and usually we are great friends....

I'm sorry OP, but I don't believe this. I'm sure he CAN be all those things (& maybe he was at the start), but reading your other posts about his behaviour I think you think he is these things but he's not really. It stops you thinking that actually he's a dickhead.
What thoughtful things has he done for you (with no benefit to him - so not making a dinner that he wants to eat)? How is he sweet to you? What are his ACTIONS that show he cares about you? Actions, Not his words!

Tiani4 · 09/01/2023 10:46

Also siblings might flock water at each other, as a joke you might do it in a playful way but not as a "punishment". That's nasty as are all the critical judgy comments. Who cares how you shower ( it's NOHB as long as you are clean. )

It strikes me that he's a controlling man

2Rebecca · 09/01/2023 10:48

The relationship isn't working. You either need to accept that his bags are his bags and either take your own or buy a bag as he resents the one way borrowing or you decide if he won't regard his bags as communal property then the relationship won't work

2Rebecca · 09/01/2023 10:52

The constant criticism sounds tedious and soul destroying and I would get angry if water was flicked in my face. he sounds like a mean selfish OCD control freak. I wouldn't want to share my life with someone that inflexible, the bags are a minor problem.

milti · 09/01/2023 10:52

😂😂😂 jeez

Mari9999 · 09/01/2023 10:56

His behavior sounds a lot like OVD. You are not going to change him. Decide what you are capable of tolerating and act accordingly.

EsmeShelby · 09/01/2023 10:57

This man is too rigid in his habits to have a relationship with. Call it quits.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 09/01/2023 10:57

@Feelquiteisolated Are you dating Adrian Mole perchance? Grin

bringmetheheadofpastaalfredo · 09/01/2023 10:59

FellForTheWrongUnAgain · 08/01/2023 23:49

Good grief, what is he like in bed?

I think we all know he's terrible

Itschristmastimeinthecity · 09/01/2023 11:01

bringmetheheadofpastaalfredo · 09/01/2023 10:59

I think we all know he's terrible

Show quote history

😂😂😂

amusedbush · 09/01/2023 11:05

I know MN likes to blame any bad or slightly odd behaviour on autism but OP, this is absolutely screaming autism. The same meals every day, rigid adherence to rules, having a "system" with his bags and becoming anxious when you mess with it. If it's not neurodiversity, it's OCD or severe anxiety.

As others have said, though, it's not an excuse to treat you badly and you don't have to stay in a relationship with him just because you know what's causing his behaviour. At best, I know my DH wishes I didn't have so many limitations around food and could be more adventurous. At worst, we almost split up because of my communication deficits/rigidity/demand avoidance/intolerance of anything outwith my comfort zone.

If you want to stay with him, you need to sit down and come up with a plan for how you can both work at it. If he refuses to meet you halfway, then you need to do what's best for you.

About24 · 09/01/2023 11:05

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

SpeckledlyHen · 09/01/2023 11:05

He sounds like the kind of bloke who has sex with his clothes on...

mrswibblywobbly · 09/01/2023 11:07

neverknowinglyunreasonable · 08/01/2023 23:21

It sounds like there is a lot of troublesome baggage in this relationship

On the bright side there are plenty of bags to carry the baggage around in.

About24 · 09/01/2023 11:08

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 09/01/2023 11:08

At the very least his socks...

About24 · 09/01/2023 11:12

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 09/01/2023 11:12

usually we are great friends

Perhaps you should just stay friends then?!

Seriously, can you really see a future with a 41yr old man who behaves like this?!!!

Has he has relationships before?

5moments · 09/01/2023 11:13

KettrickenSmiled · 09/01/2023 09:48

But he is sweet, thoughtful, intelligent and funny, and usually we are great friends.

Oh OP. What happened to you in your younger life to make you believe this?
This man is NOT your friend.
He is a micromanaging, critical, abusive jerk who cannot even let you apply moisturiser to your own face without informing you how wrong you are.

100%

Watch how your life improves when you dump him. He's a sad, pathetic shit.

Nanny0gg · 09/01/2023 11:17

Feelquiteisolated · 08/01/2023 23:57

Thank you everyone.

As for paying for more, he doesn't want to eat out, he says that I do and it's inferior food so he shouldn't pay. But he has the same 3 meals every day. I don't like them (I don't hate them but I can't eat the same 3 meals every day) so when I'm there we have issues.

He criticises everything I do, he tells me to speed up if I'm doing 40 in a 50, he goes crazy if I drive at more than 55 on the motorway. This is my own car, that he contributes zero to. I shower wrong or at the wrong time. I moisturise my face wrong, I washed a cup wrong in his sink today and he flicked water in my face (there's never been any violence tho)

This must look like a total dripfeed, it's not, I'm just feeling a bit upset about the whole day but mostly him telling me I'm being dramatic and then going to bed leaving me feeling abandoned. To the poster that said this is a red flag, I totally agree!

Why do you call him your partner and why are you with him?

I can't see what you get out of the relationship except that you can say that you're in one.

Nanny0gg · 09/01/2023 11:20

But he is sweet, thoughtful

Nope. Not in any way, shape or form.

OrdinaryAva · 09/01/2023 11:30

Get his carrier & shove it over his head, he needs to be taught not to fuck with you. Now don’t worry he won’t suffocate (unlike they do on TV) he’ll get his finger & poke a hole where the mouth is. But you will shock him so badly that he will probably insist on giving you 2 out of 3 of his carriers.

ColdCycle · 09/01/2023 11:33

@Feelquiteisolated He sounds neurodiverse - particularly with the same meals and the bag system. This isn't a problem (obviously).
But his meanness of spirit, controlling behaviour, "telling you off", money drain and all that makes me wonder what you get out of this relationship.

Seriously ask yourself - am I getting equal good out of this relationship or is it a heavy negative return (emotional, companionship, monetary, security etc etc)

I was in a long term relaionship where I hadn't realised how downtrodden / manipulated / oppressed I was by my ex's expectations and actions. They were all "minor" things but in total led to a decrease in me - how happy and "me" I was in my life. I felt very isolated from my friends and life. And look - that is even your username.
OP you don't sound happy here at all.

I finally broke free and all my friends commented they had "me" back. And I felt happier than I had in years - despite the extreme sadness at the end of the relationship. I hope you can consider what might be best for you in the long run, despite immediate pain it may cause.