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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP won't lend me his carrier bags

707 replies

Feelquiteisolated · 08/01/2023 23:16

I know this sounds totally ridiculous but DP and I had a fall out today over carrier bags.

DP is organised, he carries 3 carrier bags in his coat and more in his car and house. I spend most weekends at his house and I have bags in my car but none in my coat. Today we went shopping and I had no bags. Had I been alone I would have bought some, but he had some. He wouldn't loan me one of his 3 in his pockets, and said I needed to buy my own.

I was not happy. I bought his lunch and dinner yesterday and during the shopping trip he added an item that cost £1.30 so I was like "well I'm worth a 20p bag!"

He ended up loaning me the bag but tonight he expressed his unhappiness on WhatsApp. He said I have no right to spoil his systems, I don't respect him, he doesn't want my mess adding to his mess. He said it's a tragedy because he can see himself ending up with no bags.

He said I need to know my behaviour was not acceptable. But I really just think if he has something I need why would he make me buy it, it feels humiliating to me. But perhaps I'm missing the point and I need to pay for not being organised.

I feel like I generally pay for more than him, well no, I know this is true. I pay for 80% of our meals out, I drive over 50% of the time, I buy him treats etc.

So he said all that and then said for me to stop being dramatic because he was going to bed. This was before 9.30pm. I'm left feeling a bit abandoned, isolated and lonely. I don't really think I'm a needy person but I feel this way quite often.

This is totally outing if he reads it, but oh well.

AIBU? should I buy and carry my own bags and buy them while out even if I would only need to borrow for a short time?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
whoyougonnacallGOATSBUTTER · 09/01/2023 09:50

But he is sweet, thoughtful, intelligent and funny

Can you list some examples of him being thoughtful?

Someone who denies you a carrier bag is not a life partner.

SnowAndIceLobelia · 09/01/2023 09:50

pelargoniums · 09/01/2023 09:44

YES. OP’s update about showering “wrong”, moisturising “wrong” really resonated with me. Ex would lose his temper over things like that but it was also the constant non-angry feedback, just the low level grumbling discontent of my method for chopping peppers, hanging my towel, combing my hair, how many lights I had on while cooking dinner, the speed I walked from the sink to the hob, the order in which I made breakfast… it’s just relentless and grinding and when you’re in it, you question yourself and start to believe it would be easier to just do it their way. You put yourself in a smaller and smaller box – or a smaller and smaller coat bag.

OP: leaving is like a gale force of fresh air for your brain. Life can be so much better than this.

Show quote history

God yes. This and all of this. This has reminded me that my ex would become annoyed with the order i put my clothes on. Bra had to be after knickers and socks always last. Even now (and it has been more than 20 years since we broke up) I sometimes feel anxious if i put my bra on first. You do becoem smaller. i used to think that if only i tried harder and remembered all the things i was 'supposed' to remember then it would all be okay. But there was always something new that annoyed him.

If you say 'I broke up with him because he did not like that i put my bra on first ' (or 'because he would not lend me a carrier bag) then it sounds like you are off your rocker. But this is all indicative of something much bigger and deeper.

Ihatethemessimin · 09/01/2023 09:50

whilst I agree his rigidness and anxiety re systems are way over the top, I don’t think he’s necessarily an abusive narcissist twat.

sounds like he’s on the spectrum and unfortunately can’t help himself behaving like this

however, I think it’s time for you to end things as this relationship won’t work as he won’t be able to change

Goldd · 09/01/2023 09:51

Testina · 09/01/2023 09:45

I could not fancy a man to whom I had “introduced” jacket potatoes.

😂

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 09/01/2023 09:51

Feelquiteisolated · 08/01/2023 23:57

Thank you everyone.

As for paying for more, he doesn't want to eat out, he says that I do and it's inferior food so he shouldn't pay. But he has the same 3 meals every day. I don't like them (I don't hate them but I can't eat the same 3 meals every day) so when I'm there we have issues.

He criticises everything I do, he tells me to speed up if I'm doing 40 in a 50, he goes crazy if I drive at more than 55 on the motorway. This is my own car, that he contributes zero to. I shower wrong or at the wrong time. I moisturise my face wrong, I washed a cup wrong in his sink today and he flicked water in my face (there's never been any violence tho)

This must look like a total dripfeed, it's not, I'm just feeling a bit upset about the whole day but mostly him telling me I'm being dramatic and then going to bed leaving me feeling abandoned. To the poster that said this is a red flag, I totally agree!

That's more like red bunting. I'd think long and hard over whether you can live like this and whether you really want too. You're in the early stages of a relationship, these issues will will impact you more over time. He could have a mental illnesses or be ND or this could just be who he is. None of that actually matters unless he's willing to address the issue.

Clarich007 · 09/01/2023 09:51

This has got to be a joke surely?..... If not, this behaviour is not normal.
He is being totally unreasonable.

FluffyFlower · 09/01/2023 09:53

Classic co-dependency

fussychica · 09/01/2023 09:55

If this is true its very sad and you should leave him as it doesn't sound like you're getting much out of the relationship.
If not it's given us a great laugh.
On a purely personal note this will change the way DH and I shop from now on. I can see numerous occasions where one of us has forgotten to bring a bag and it will be a tragedy and just for the hell of it bag lending will be outlawed!

Goldd · 09/01/2023 09:56

In my view, OP, good relationships are made up of small kindnesses. I won’t say “lending your partner a shopping bag” because that’s too small and too much of a given to even mention. But things like cooking your favourite meal for you, taking you out to eat, giving you a foot rub, always being on your side.

It doesn’t sound like this man is on your side at all. It sounds like all his small actions are to grind you down rather than build you up. You deserve better.

RudsyFarmer · 09/01/2023 09:57

NotTheMrMenAgain · 09/01/2023 09:37

I would hazard a guess that the OP isn’t having much sex (if any) with this man, and if she is then it has to be done exactly to his ‘system’ with his needs being met only. I could be wrong, but he doesn’t sound like he’d make a spontaneous and generous lover, given that he would t lend her his precious fucking carrier bag!

Show quote history

I just can’t imagine having sex with someone who wouldn’t lend me a carrier bag from their pocket. It’s so incredibly petty and mean spirited my fanny would be as dry as a bone.

elliejjtiny · 09/01/2023 10:03

Yanbu. Unless you have form for messing up his bags when you borrow them. My dh will happily share bags but gets annoyed when people don't fold them properly so mostly I use my own because life is too short for folding shopping bags.

Tamarindtree · 09/01/2023 10:06

‘sweet, thoughtful, intelligent and funny’

sweet - he flicks water at you because of the way you washed a cup ‘incorrectly’ and won’t give you a 20p carrier bag.

thoughtful - he insists you pay for meals out because he says the food is inferior to what he eats at home.

intelligent - he eats the same three meals every day. Thats not very bright is it? Will he starve if there is a potato shortage?

funny - there is nothing funny about anyone who imposes their odd behaviour on others.

The four words I would choose would be -

Mean.
Manipulative.
Controlling.
Peculiar.

OoooohMatron · 09/01/2023 10:08

SnowAndIceLobelia · 09/01/2023 09:50

God yes. This and all of this. This has reminded me that my ex would become annoyed with the order i put my clothes on. Bra had to be after knickers and socks always last. Even now (and it has been more than 20 years since we broke up) I sometimes feel anxious if i put my bra on first. You do becoem smaller. i used to think that if only i tried harder and remembered all the things i was 'supposed' to remember then it would all be okay. But there was always something new that annoyed him.

If you say 'I broke up with him because he did not like that i put my bra on first ' (or 'because he would not lend me a carrier bag) then it sounds like you are off your rocker. But this is all indicative of something much bigger and deeper.

Show quote history

Listen to this poster OP. It's often lots of little things that make someone abusive. On their own they sound trivial and could be brushed off as a little quirk but they add up to a big problem.

AuntieSoap · 09/01/2023 10:12

Do not progress this relationship further. Absolutely don't move in together, at least now you can get some respite from this sort of behaviour but what you're seeing now is possibly the tip of the iceberg. Don't leave yourself exposed. Walk away and thank your lucky stars for a narrow escape.

zingally · 09/01/2023 10:17

This is the most bonkers thing I've read in here for a while...

Is he neurodiverse in some way? (but I feel like you'd have said in your OP if he was diagnosed with something) Or do you have a history of "borrowing" stuff that you never return?

I'd be seriously considering whether this relationship was going to work out, long term?

Cnidarian · 09/01/2023 10:17

Good god leave this fun sponge,you could live another 40 years do you want to spend it like this?

euff · 09/01/2023 10:18

He won't loan you a carrier bag but sticks things in the basket for you to buy? I would get petty and transactional now and in that situation take it out and give it to him or separate it out on the conveyor as your shopping and his. It doesn't matter if he is ND and doesn't understand his behaviour or can't help it. As a pp said it matters what the impact on you is.

smartiecake · 09/01/2023 10:34

I don't comment on these threads very often but I have to say leave, run, fast and far away.
He flicks water at you? He tells you that you shower at the wrong time? He tells you off for driving below the speed limit?
All of these and everything else is making me scream run.
Listen to all the people who are telling you this is abusive because it is, and he is just downright odd, whether he is ND or not this is no way to be and not a good relationship.

louderthan · 09/01/2023 10:35

Selfishly I want you to stay with him and update us every day, or maybe write a sitcom about him?
However please get rid of him, he contributes nothing and actively criticises you and puts you down. That is not a relationship.

Bookkeys · 09/01/2023 10:36

LaurieFairyCake · 09/01/2023 09:36

Look, he's an utter weirdo

Totally obsessive, black and white thinking, no leeway for you to be you

GET RID

Yep

You can do better than him op

You're only 41, don't waste anymore of your precious time on him

Tiani4 · 09/01/2023 10:40

Most bf or partners would be pleased they could help and offer you a bag. It is literally a carrier bag

Stop paying 80% meals out and stop driving more than half the time. Tell him you are disappointed he is so tight and you are no longer subsidising his lifestyle of meals out. Work out how much he owes you over past month or two and say he needs to catch up "all because he's so tight over a plastic carrier bag"

Really I don't understand how you can sleep with such an unreasonable tight selfish man

2bazookas · 09/01/2023 10:40

He's not a Dear Partner, he's a Cheap Git.

Bookkeys · 09/01/2023 10:41

AutumnIsMyFavouriteSeason · 09/01/2023 09:29

Please leave (with ALL the shopping bags ofcourse!) 😂

The meltdown he'd have at the checkout when he can't feel the bags in his pocket. Knowing he has to spend 40p on new ones

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/01/2023 10:42

Why are you with this person?

Farmageddon · 09/01/2023 10:44

Would you have done it to him OP? Withheld something small when he needed it and scolded him like a child? You say he's sweet and thoughtful, but his behaviour doesn't sound like it.

I know we're only getting a small snippet, but here's what I think - he resents you borrowing a plastic bag (petty), he allows you to continually pay for food (stingey), he constantly criticises you for perfectly ordinary things (patronising).

Maybe he does has some good points, but he sounds fundamentally petty and mean. And it seems like both him and you feel that he is somehow superior - like his opinion is the more important one. He is there to teach you a lesson or something. Him telling you that you need to know your behaviour is not acceptable, is like something you would say to a child, not a partner.

It's not sweet and thoughtful of him to throw a strop about you forgetting a plastic bag and asking for a lend of one, it's mean and spiteful. And he even had to keep on punishing you later on for it, to get the message across.

I really hope you see the light and bin this arsehole. He will not get better, and you may find yourself adjusting your behaviour (i.e. walking on eggshells) to avoid his criticisms.