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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP won't lend me his carrier bags

707 replies

Feelquiteisolated · 08/01/2023 23:16

I know this sounds totally ridiculous but DP and I had a fall out today over carrier bags.

DP is organised, he carries 3 carrier bags in his coat and more in his car and house. I spend most weekends at his house and I have bags in my car but none in my coat. Today we went shopping and I had no bags. Had I been alone I would have bought some, but he had some. He wouldn't loan me one of his 3 in his pockets, and said I needed to buy my own.

I was not happy. I bought his lunch and dinner yesterday and during the shopping trip he added an item that cost £1.30 so I was like "well I'm worth a 20p bag!"

He ended up loaning me the bag but tonight he expressed his unhappiness on WhatsApp. He said I have no right to spoil his systems, I don't respect him, he doesn't want my mess adding to his mess. He said it's a tragedy because he can see himself ending up with no bags.

He said I need to know my behaviour was not acceptable. But I really just think if he has something I need why would he make me buy it, it feels humiliating to me. But perhaps I'm missing the point and I need to pay for not being organised.

I feel like I generally pay for more than him, well no, I know this is true. I pay for 80% of our meals out, I drive over 50% of the time, I buy him treats etc.

So he said all that and then said for me to stop being dramatic because he was going to bed. This was before 9.30pm. I'm left feeling a bit abandoned, isolated and lonely. I don't really think I'm a needy person but I feel this way quite often.

This is totally outing if he reads it, but oh well.

AIBU? should I buy and carry my own bags and buy them while out even if I would only need to borrow for a short time?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Cigarettesaftersex1 · 09/01/2023 09:29

Spellegrin · 09/01/2023 08:14

You sound like you both have issues tbh

Helpful

AutumnIsMyFavouriteSeason · 09/01/2023 09:29

Please leave (with ALL the shopping bags ofcourse!) 😂

Tull · 09/01/2023 09:30

This can’t be true. You’re ruining his system? Get rid of the Nutter. Run.

Stickmansmum · 09/01/2023 09:30

Feelquiteisolated · 08/01/2023 23:57

Thank you everyone.

As for paying for more, he doesn't want to eat out, he says that I do and it's inferior food so he shouldn't pay. But he has the same 3 meals every day. I don't like them (I don't hate them but I can't eat the same 3 meals every day) so when I'm there we have issues.

He criticises everything I do, he tells me to speed up if I'm doing 40 in a 50, he goes crazy if I drive at more than 55 on the motorway. This is my own car, that he contributes zero to. I shower wrong or at the wrong time. I moisturise my face wrong, I washed a cup wrong in his sink today and he flicked water in my face (there's never been any violence tho)

This must look like a total dripfeed, it's not, I'm just feeling a bit upset about the whole day but mostly him telling me I'm being dramatic and then going to bed leaving me feeling abandoned. To the poster that said this is a red flag, I totally agree!

Oh OP. This is all horrendous. Flicking water in your face, I could cry as that’s so aggressive and humiliating.

He is abusive. Whether he (clearly) has OCD or is ND is irrelevant. He’s abusive and a prick.

Hankunamatata · 09/01/2023 09:31

Isn't the constant criticism draining and beating you down?

Original poster
Feelquiteisolated · 09/01/2023 09:31

Thank you all for the messages. I have read them all.

The three meals are: porridge with soya milk and seeds; veggie burger, jacket potato, veg and hummus; and toast

We're both vegan (mostly vegan). I like those meals and I actually introduced them to him but he eats them every day and he has nothing else in his house.

We're both 41, we've known each other since school.

The bag thing, I can try and understand his side. He wants to have them when he needs them.

There are more absurdities though and we're not very compatible in many ways. But he is sweet, thoughtful, intelligent and funny, and usually we are great friends. But right now I feel stonewalled and a bit ridiculous.

The flicking water at me wasn't good, I know that.

I ordered some of those net bags a previous poster linked to. And LOL at the compost bag ads 😂

OP posts:
RudsyFarmer · 09/01/2023 09:32

You have sex with this man?

GreyGoose1980 · 09/01/2023 09:33

If this is genuine, dump him today, actually now.

LaurieFairyCake · 09/01/2023 09:36

Look, he's an utter weirdo

Totally obsessive, black and white thinking, no leeway for you to be you

GET RID

NotTheMrMenAgain · 09/01/2023 09:37

RudsyFarmer · 09/01/2023 09:32

You have sex with this man?

I would hazard a guess that the OP isn’t having much sex (if any) with this man, and if she is then it has to be done exactly to his ‘system’ with his needs being met only. I could be wrong, but he doesn’t sound like he’d make a spontaneous and generous lover, given that he would t lend her his precious fucking carrier bag!

DashingWhiteSergeant · 09/01/2023 09:38

I don’t often respond to things like this, as answers are rarely obvious, but if you were my sister, friend or daughter, I would be doing everything in my power to encourage you and give you strength to leave this limiting, controlling and abusive half life. He adds nothing to you, but takes much away, including your confidence and judgement.

foremostwilly · 09/01/2023 09:38

Do your friends like him?

foremostwilly · 09/01/2023 09:40

Oh and can somebody enlighten me, what is the proper way to wash a cup?

Thoughtful2355 · 09/01/2023 09:42

this is the most stupid argument i have ever heard...

Imagine being that pressed over lending someone a carrier bag :S in fact...

I would go and buy 500 carrier bags and i would dump them in his house making a big mess and then leave him.

skyeisthelimit · 09/01/2023 09:42

OP, the more you post, the more it is clear that you are completely incompatible.

The last time that I saw a relationship like this, they moved in together, and split within 6 months, because he couldn't cope with her leaving a cup and plate in the sink to wash later.

Her thoughts were that she did a bowlful at a time to save time, water etc.

His thoughts were that it was disgusting, and that every single mug should be washed as soon as it was empty. He felt that it was the start of a slippery slope. He was very house proud.

She couldn't leave a newspaper on the arm of the chair, it had to be taken to the recycling the second it had been read.

Your relationship is never going to be what you want. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man who is so rigid that all meals are the same and that you cannot mess up his 3 bag carrier system? He criticises every single thing that you do.

When he told you that your behaviour was unacceptable you should have texted back a row of laughing emojis and told him to get a grip.

ThreeblackCats · 09/01/2023 09:43

Of dear op, if you think up your bf is “sweet” or “thoughtful” he really has drained you.
He is coming across as nasty, pathetic and manipulative. But if you’re ok with that…

Climbles · 09/01/2023 09:43

It’s not the rigidity or obsessiveness that would be the killer for me it’s the lack of self awareness. If he said ‘I know you’ll think I’m crazy but I’ve got a system with the bags and I know if I lend them out it knocks the whole thing out to whack which makes me anxious. I’m working on be more relaxed but could you buy your own bag?’ Or even after the event if he said that he realised he was being over the top but he likes things just so. It would be annoying but I could live with it. My DP is ver my particular and hates it when people use his things and we have had many arguments about the dish washer but he would ever flick water at me or send me multiple chastising WhatsApp messages over petty issues.
Also the food thing is joyless. He sounds like a mood hoover to me.

pelargoniums · 09/01/2023 09:44

SnowAndIceLobelia · 09/01/2023 09:15

Just to add..... I used to be in a relationship with a man who once lost his temper because I chopped garlic the wrong way. It was just one of the many many 'little' things that taken separately seem trivial to break up over but together builds a picture of what is actually an abusive relationship.

It was not until I got out, had some space and entered into a decent relationship I could see my ex for what he was.

It is much MUCH better when you are out the other side.

YES. OP’s update about showering “wrong”, moisturising “wrong” really resonated with me. Ex would lose his temper over things like that but it was also the constant non-angry feedback, just the low level grumbling discontent of my method for chopping peppers, hanging my towel, combing my hair, how many lights I had on while cooking dinner, the speed I walked from the sink to the hob, the order in which I made breakfast… it’s just relentless and grinding and when you’re in it, you question yourself and start to believe it would be easier to just do it their way. You put yourself in a smaller and smaller box – or a smaller and smaller coat bag.

OP: leaving is like a gale force of fresh air for your brain. Life can be so much better than this.

Squamata · 09/01/2023 09:44

I'd just dial it back and see if you can be friends rather than partners. I don't think he enhances your life. Maybe there's someone else out there who wants to live by rigid systems who would be right for him.

I don't think he sounds that controlling or abusive, just as if his anxiety means he can't cope with spontaneity and change well.

Break up with him nicely, find someone who is more compatible with you.

MintChocCornetto · 09/01/2023 09:44

neverknowinglyunreasonable · 08/01/2023 23:21

It sounds like there is a lot of troublesome baggage in this relationship

😂😂😂

Testina · 09/01/2023 09:45

I could not fancy a man to whom I had “introduced” jacket potatoes.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 09/01/2023 09:46

foremostwilly · 09/01/2023 09:40

Oh and can somebody enlighten me, what is the proper way to wash a cup?

Surprised myself, when I found this!

Irishfarmer · 09/01/2023 09:47

foremostwilly · 09/01/2023 09:40

Oh and can somebody enlighten me, what is the proper way to wash a cup?

Get the fairies to do it, only way it's clean. You buy them in little green bottles in most shops 😂also how do you shower wrong?

OP he sounds like so much hard work. I wouldn't have lasted 5 minutes with him. I have 1 of those bags that rolls up really small which I usually keep in my handbag, it's handy to have. But I would lend it to my DH, mum, friend etc

The way you describe him, he doesn't sound like a D partner, he sounds like someone you have got used to being around.

KettrickenSmiled · 09/01/2023 09:48

But he is sweet, thoughtful, intelligent and funny, and usually we are great friends.

Oh OP. What happened to you in your younger life to make you believe this?
This man is NOT your friend.
He is a micromanaging, critical, abusive jerk who cannot even let you apply moisturiser to your own face without informing you how wrong you are.

Squirespot · 09/01/2023 09:48

AutumnIsMyFavouriteSeason · 09/01/2023 09:29

Please leave (with ALL the shopping bags ofcourse!) 😂

I like you!