Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP won't lend me his carrier bags

707 replies

Feelquiteisolated · 08/01/2023 23:16

I know this sounds totally ridiculous but DP and I had a fall out today over carrier bags.

DP is organised, he carries 3 carrier bags in his coat and more in his car and house. I spend most weekends at his house and I have bags in my car but none in my coat. Today we went shopping and I had no bags. Had I been alone I would have bought some, but he had some. He wouldn't loan me one of his 3 in his pockets, and said I needed to buy my own.

I was not happy. I bought his lunch and dinner yesterday and during the shopping trip he added an item that cost £1.30 so I was like "well I'm worth a 20p bag!"

He ended up loaning me the bag but tonight he expressed his unhappiness on WhatsApp. He said I have no right to spoil his systems, I don't respect him, he doesn't want my mess adding to his mess. He said it's a tragedy because he can see himself ending up with no bags.

He said I need to know my behaviour was not acceptable. But I really just think if he has something I need why would he make me buy it, it feels humiliating to me. But perhaps I'm missing the point and I need to pay for not being organised.

I feel like I generally pay for more than him, well no, I know this is true. I pay for 80% of our meals out, I drive over 50% of the time, I buy him treats etc.

So he said all that and then said for me to stop being dramatic because he was going to bed. This was before 9.30pm. I'm left feeling a bit abandoned, isolated and lonely. I don't really think I'm a needy person but I feel this way quite often.

This is totally outing if he reads it, but oh well.

AIBU? should I buy and carry my own bags and buy them while out even if I would only need to borrow for a short time?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Vallmo47 · 09/01/2023 09:02

What a strange man, to say the least. I hope you do move on Op and realise life doesn’t have to be like this.

ThreeblackCats · 09/01/2023 09:08

Is his name Colin Robinson ?
because he sounds just like an emotional vampire, as last seen in What We Do in The Shadows.

Bat!

But seriously, he’s an arse, I’d have dumped that day. He’s controlling, nasty and gaslighting. He brings nothing to your relationship. Buy yourself a vibrator and embrace the single life.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 09/01/2023 09:09

Seriously why are you with him? Does he have any redeeming qualities? You could do much better; he’ll even being alone would be better than this

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 09/01/2023 09:09

Hell not he’ll

excelledyourself · 09/01/2023 09:12

girlmom21 · 09/01/2023 08:25

Can people read the updates before laughing about the OP? The thread took a pretty sinister turn.

He flicked water in your face because you washed a cup 'wrong'?!

That's pretty bad.

What happens if you fold a towel 'wrong' or store his belt 'wrong'? Is he going to flick you in the face with those too?

He's unhinged and you need to leave him.

This is true, and I'm sorry for joking, OP.

You really should leave him. I can't imagine what he brings to your life, other than criticism and misery.

foremostwilly · 09/01/2023 09:13

Everyone has a system or a routine that they absolutely must follow.

No sweetie, they don't. This is not normal behaviour.

SnowlayRoundabout · 09/01/2023 09:13

BurtonsRevenge · 09/01/2023 00:32

At the end of the day, on this occasion this is your fault for being unprepared when you went shopping. Its his right to use his canvas bags (which he has paid for and remembered) , or to not use. I think you need to move Ln from this and either accept you messed up or end it with him.

Who says they're canvas? Almost certainly they aren't if he keeps them in his coat.

People forget things like bags when they go shopping all the time, not least because it's the sort of trivial thing that does go out of your mind when you're juggling all sorts of priorities. Does it really justify refusing to lend the bags that her partner wasn't going to use anyway, let alone all the WhatsApp posts and references to "tragedy"? Why could he not just buy her a bag if lending them bothered him so much?

And did OP mess it up when she drove at over 55 on a motorway, or when in her partner's view she put cream on the wrong way?

SnowAndIceLobelia · 09/01/2023 09:13

Oh OP. This is a crap relationship with an awful man. You are worth more.

Thanks
Tamarindtree · 09/01/2023 09:13

Forget about love.

Are you respected? NO

Are your cherished? Clearly NOT.

Are you valued? Absolutely NOT.

Does he make you feel good about yourself? NEVER.

Is he ever going to change? 100% NO.

Do you deserve more from a partner and want to feel wanted, secure and an equal? Then DUMP his dad and pathetic arse.

Before you leave make sure you sabotage his carrier bags by cutting a slit at the bottom so when he next takes his precious carrier bag out at a checkout his tin of spam or whatever he puts in the bag falls straight to the floor, leaving him to bend over and scrabble on the floor to retrieve it whilst contemplating what a sorry loser he must be.

DameHelena · 09/01/2023 09:13

Ditch him. He's abusing you. He doesn't have to be physically violent for that to be true. Flicking water in your face counts as abuse.

SheilaWilcox · 09/01/2023 09:14

You poor thing. What on Earth has happened in your life that you think this is an okay way to be treated?

Dump.

Conkersinautumn · 09/01/2023 09:14

Buy him a stack of carrier bags then ghost him. He doesn't want a partner, there's no flexibility described by you. He fits you into his system, all on his terms then. We all have to accommodate others at some point. He doesn't appear to be capable.

Tamarindtree · 09/01/2023 09:15

Sad not dad!

SnowAndIceLobelia · 09/01/2023 09:15

Just to add..... I used to be in a relationship with a man who once lost his temper because I chopped garlic the wrong way. It was just one of the many many 'little' things that taken separately seem trivial to break up over but together builds a picture of what is actually an abusive relationship.

It was not until I got out, had some space and entered into a decent relationship I could see my ex for what he was.

It is much MUCH better when you are out the other side.

Dozycuntlaters · 09/01/2023 09:17

My ex DP and I had a massive row over a carrier bag. It was the most ridiculous thing ever. It wasn't the reason we broke up but it was a massive factor. I just can't be with someone who gets so het up over a bag.

Boating123 · 09/01/2023 09:18

He has a system an you messed it up a bit. Maybe he feels it's a slippery slope.

Some people are really organised (not me) and are prepared for anything - have bags, spare chargers, water bottles etc with them at all times. It must be annoying for those people to be expected to make provision for less organised people.

coconutpie · 09/01/2023 09:18

I think the carrier bags are the least of your problems with this man. LTB.

PrinceHaz · 09/01/2023 09:19

You need to leave him whatever the reasons that might account for his odd behaviour. He’s too difficult to manage.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 09/01/2023 09:19

He said it's a tragedy because he can see himself ending up with no bags.
He said I need to know my behaviour was not acceptable

Read this back. No, C&P it back to him and ask him if he really thinks this is an appropriate response to you asking to borrow a bag.

Then dump him he sounds like an arsehole.

Comtesse · 09/01/2023 09:21

He sounds like an insufferable twat. You’re moisturising your face “wrong”? He flicks water when you wash up “wrong”? No need to put up with this nonsense. You are under reacting, this is awful.

OoooohMatron · 09/01/2023 09:22

On it's own, this is a funny story. After reading your updates he's a controlling arsehole. You need to get out of this relationship OP, it'll get worse not better.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 09/01/2023 09:24

Yes his behaviour looks to be triggered by anxiety (possibly with OCD or an underlying ND condition) and the need for control and systems, But stress and disruption and shared control are part of normal life as a couple and especially as a family. How will you face life as a couple or as a family when his response to small challenges is so vicious? Lovely for him to have a partner who tries to keep him relaxed and avoids interfering with his systems and sucks up his behaviour when he does get anxious because he can't help being so anxious the poor thing! Not so lovely for you.

His response is to lash out spitefully - mostly verbally, with denial and blame and criticism and negative judgments, but now he has also lashed out physically with the water. This only goes one way. He is likely to use more physical aggression as you get closer and he feels more threatened. He needs his systems and his rules and he can't safely cope with anyone getting close enough to disrupt them.

Not everyone with an ND condition is so controlling over so many things and they don't necessarily react so spitefully to disruption. Some people manage their reaction better, some naturally have a more withdrawn or passive response, some have developed better coping strategies. But he hasn't and by this stage of his life he probably wont.

Most couples evolve systems that works for both of them. He can't, he's too rigid and too defensive and his main method of defense is attack. You are the one under attack and that's not safe or healthy for you.

I do realise how ridiculous this whole thing sounds.

By "this whole thing" you mean "his behaviour". You've behaved normally, it's his behaviour that sounds ridiculous, such an extreme reaction to something so small. Well, his strength of feeling is not exactly "ridiculous" if you take e.g. ND into account, but his behaviour to you would still be unacceptable.

What may be less obvious is how dangerous it is to stay with him. There's the physical danger that he could really hurt you over something equally trivial, but even if he doesn't there's the endless damage to your self esteem from his spiteful words when he feels disrupted. Especially when he tries to turn it back on you, to sound superior as if you're the one with the problem. Part of his problem is that he can't accept that he has a problem. And part of your problem is that he's putting it onto you instead. This is a particular kind of gaslighting - he might not be doing it to drive you mad on purpose, instead it's to avoid accepting his own issues - but it will have the same effect on you.

You feel abandoned and isolated because your feelings and your needs are not as urgent to him as his own inner need for his "systems". He probably doesn't relate to your feelings or understand your needs and you can't make him. So you will feel lonely and isolated as long as you are with him.

Tamarindtree · 09/01/2023 09:24

Replace bags with these -

DP won't lend me his carrier bags
Roseelane · 09/01/2023 09:24

This is not ridiculous at all. It's actually very serious. None of this is good for you (as an aside, driving at 55mph on the motorway is dangerous unless there is congestion). I'd be plotting my escape. You may find your life improves when you are not subjected to his awful ways.

NotTheMrMenAgain · 09/01/2023 09:28

Bloody hell OP, this isn’t a minor, amusing tale about his ‘quirks’ - at best it sounds like he’s inflexible to the point of rigid, selfish and very critical of you. At worst - and in reality from my point of view - he’s just an abusive bellend.

Why on earth are you with him? He sounds like a nitpicking, joyless fun-sponge. Being constantly criticised will be doing a real number on your self esteem and emotional well-being. He flicked water in your face for ‘washing a cup wrong’?! I’d feel like shoving a bag up his arse for being a nasty piece of work.

You’d be well rid of him (understatement).