DP won't lend me his carrier bags

[Feelquiteisolated]

I know this sounds totally ridiculous but DP and I had a fall out today over carrier bags.

DP is organised, he carries 3 carrier bags in his coat and more in his car and house. I spend most weekends at his house and I have bags in my car but none in my coat. Today we went shopping and I had no bags. Had I been alone I would have bought some, but he had some. He wouldn't loan me one of his 3 in his pockets, and said I needed to buy my own.

I was not happy. I bought his lunch and dinner yesterday and during the shopping trip he added an item that cost £1.30 so I was like "well I'm worth a 20p bag!"

He ended up loaning me the bag but tonight he expressed his unhappiness on WhatsApp. He said I have no right to spoil his systems, I don't respect him, he doesn't want my mess adding to his mess. He said it's a tragedy because he can see himself ending up with no bags.

He said I need to know my behaviour was not acceptable. But I really just think if he has something I need why would he make me buy it, it feels humiliating to me. But perhaps I'm missing the point and I need to pay for not being organised.

I feel like I generally pay for more than him, well no, I know this is true. I pay for 80% of our meals out, I drive over 50% of the time, I buy him treats etc.

So he said all that and then said for me to stop being dramatic because he was going to bed. This was before 9.30pm. I'm left feeling a bit abandoned, isolated and lonely. I don't really think I'm a needy person but I feel this way quite often.

This is totally outing if he reads it, but oh well.

AIBU? should I buy and carry my own bags and buy them while out even if I would only need to borrow for a short time?

I was having a giggle at this thread, until I read this.

He sounds absolutely vile. Life should never ever, be like this. Splashing water in your face? My DH would never do something like that.

Please, please consider leaving him.

Sorry OP. I hate doing armchair diagnosis, but the eating the same 3 meals every day and sticking to a rigid regime screams out either very severe anxiety disorder or being quite far on the spectrum- or possibly both.

However the cause is irrelevant it's the impact on you that's the issue here.

I couldn't live like that and you need to ask yourself if you can.

Does it really matter if someone doesn't return a carrier bag, seriously? Is it a tragedy? Especially in the context of the borrower consistently paying out for the carrier bag owner and not being repaid?

This is abuse.

He is gaslighting.

Get out while you can

He criticises everything I do, he tells me to speed up if I'm doing 40 in a 50, he goes crazy if I drive at more than 55 on the motorway. This is my own car, that he contributes zero to. I shower wrong or at the wrong time. I moisturise my face wrong, I washed a cup wrong in his sink today and he flicked water in my face (there's never been any violence tho)

End it. I agree with PP that things like the same three meals et cetera do sound like he's got something going on that warrants a diagnosis. But that doesn't mean he gets to treat you like shit and denigrate everything you do. And if he's flicking water at you now, in anger, he may well be building up to something else. Also, he just sounds horrible and joyless.

I can't take this question seriously. OP, your problems extend way beyond carrier bags. Your partner sounds as though they're ND and abusive. I think you need to seek professional help to go over why you accept this behaviour from him. It's neither normal nor healthy.

I would have taken his £1.30 item out and bought my own bag

What a strange strange man!!

Sounds like an infantile relationship, he sounds like a boyfriend if you don't even share careier bags nevermind live together, why call him your partner? He's not.

The more you wrote the worse he looks, your last post makes him sound abusive, tip toeing around him, him trying to control you and him flicking water in your face? Get rid now.

Sorry OP but this is the beginning of psycho behavior. This goes deeper than the carrier bag situation.

LEAVE NOW.

A word is enough for the wise.

Dear god in heaven why are you with him?

At least stop paying more than half for a start. He's taking the piss and you know it.

Stop being his walking wallet.

Yes. He is definitely abusive.

I hope the op comes to realise that.

Oh god OP, seriously, do want to live like this? He’s either horribly controlling or has some other issues that he should address. I would’ve ended this months ago.

Can you link the example of a woman wanting to leave her partner because he didn't have a carrier bag on him at the shops? Also you're confusing "mothering" with "controlling" which is what this strange man is doing.

What sort of coat does he have?

What age is this man?

Do you think he realises how uptight he is compared to the average person and that his reactions to not sharing aren’t conducive to a healthy partnership?

If it was pointed out to him by a third party, would he actively try to change some of his behaviours so that you can both be reasonably happy together?

No relationship is perfect and it does involve both parties making compromises some of the time to keep a happy balanced relationship. However, if he thinks it’s all down to you to modify your behaviours, you need to end it now.

My DH also has some rigid thinking patterns inc. eating the same simple meals all the time, not eating out and not wanting to eat in front of others. He acknowledges that he has issues around food and eating so we work with that. He is also very kind and generous but suffers from a certain amount of social anxiety, unlike me. In many respects we are opposites. I drive, he doesn’t.

The crux of the matter is that my DH wants the partnership to work. So that means us both talking through issues respectfully to find solutions, not blaming each other for our shortcomings and genuinely wanting the best ‘for the other person’.

When asked, does your DP think that he is entitled to put his needs above yours? If a partner consistently favours themselves, then that isn’t a healthy caring partnership.

You need to think hard about whether this relationship is worthwhile sticking with because people can definitely change ingrained habits, but only if they really want to. If your partner isn’t interested in acknowledging the difficulties, it’s not going to get any better.

It is not about bags really - how can you envisage living with someone like that. He would make your life miserable over petty things even before real problems happen. He did not show any partnership behaviour in all this. He held grudge even hours later hence his WhatsApp rant. He wants his systems intact? Give him that - dump him.

From the surface on the outside, this looks hilarious, but if you’re stuck in the middle of it, it would be spirit crushing and actually very damaging in the long term. This isn’t so much of a red flag, but the reflected hue of an abundance of humongous billowing red flags.

Incidentally, is it actually possible to get aroused and enjoy sex with somebody who eats the same three meals every day, quibbles about carrier bags and who criticizes everything you do?

Op hasn’t come back since thread 4 so she may not be reading - in case you are - he has contempt for you and sees you as dis organised as opposed to him being super at everything. He is critising you constantly which is verbally abusive and under mining your confidence. If you feel abandoned over his response I’d suggest you seek therapy to under stand this - he’s not healthy - he’s a mean controlling man. Does he have any re deeming features?

OP he sounds hypercritical, exhausting, stingy, and not fun.

If he eats the exact same 3 meals every day and cannot cope with his carrier bag system being changed then he clearly has some kind of OCD or similar issue.

I’m sorry, this sounds very draining and miserable. I suspect you’d be happier without him but perhaps he’s dynamite in bed 🤷‍♀️

Do go away and read all OP's posts, it really isn't difficult.

He's fucking horrible in every way. Please don't say you can't see that?! Two years is long enough, don't waste any more life on him.

After reading your updates I would say his behaviour is that of a narcissist. He tells you “your being dramatic” when it’s his behaviour that’s dramatic, he turns it around on you. He flicked water in your face, he’s a bully.

It does sound like he has some issues, some of his behaviours are quite OCD or ASD but that doesn’t mean you have to put up with this crap from him. My new dp has some autistic traits and also has a thing about his plastic bags (he likes to have a certain amount and always has one on him) but he would lend me one if needed and he does as I have ADHD and am forgetful and unorganised 😬. Your DC’s behaviour over some bags is just crazy and the fact he’s trying to make you feel bad about it is just not on. Dump this guy, things will only get worse.

I'm left feeling a bit abandoned, isolated and lonely. I don't really think I'm a needy person but I feel this way quite often.

Thats sad. Your partner should be a really good friend as well as a lover.
It doesn’t sound as if you are getting much out of this relationship with the constant criticism etc. Should you really stay?

But he doesn't really, does he? In his mind nothing OP does is worth anything, borrowing a carrier bag is worth infinitely more than all the money OP pays out for him, even the £1.30 she paid for what he slipped into the shopping that he would not help her carry.