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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP won't lend me his carrier bags

707 replies

Feelquiteisolated · 08/01/2023 23:16

I know this sounds totally ridiculous but DP and I had a fall out today over carrier bags.

DP is organised, he carries 3 carrier bags in his coat and more in his car and house. I spend most weekends at his house and I have bags in my car but none in my coat. Today we went shopping and I had no bags. Had I been alone I would have bought some, but he had some. He wouldn't loan me one of his 3 in his pockets, and said I needed to buy my own.

I was not happy. I bought his lunch and dinner yesterday and during the shopping trip he added an item that cost £1.30 so I was like "well I'm worth a 20p bag!"

He ended up loaning me the bag but tonight he expressed his unhappiness on WhatsApp. He said I have no right to spoil his systems, I don't respect him, he doesn't want my mess adding to his mess. He said it's a tragedy because he can see himself ending up with no bags.

He said I need to know my behaviour was not acceptable. But I really just think if he has something I need why would he make me buy it, it feels humiliating to me. But perhaps I'm missing the point and I need to pay for not being organised.

I feel like I generally pay for more than him, well no, I know this is true. I pay for 80% of our meals out, I drive over 50% of the time, I buy him treats etc.

So he said all that and then said for me to stop being dramatic because he was going to bed. This was before 9.30pm. I'm left feeling a bit abandoned, isolated and lonely. I don't really think I'm a needy person but I feel this way quite often.

This is totally outing if he reads it, but oh well.

AIBU? should I buy and carry my own bags and buy them while out even if I would only need to borrow for a short time?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
HermioneKipper · 09/01/2023 08:11

This is AWFUL.

Please leave him.

Unless there’s something you’re not telling us and you’ve got kids or something?

Axahooxa · 09/01/2023 08:13

It seems that he has inflexible thinking. I’d imagine he’s not neuritypical.
This won’t change. If you don’t like his perspectives and behaviour, you need to end it- he won’t see this from your perspective or be able to easily change.

Mariposista · 09/01/2023 08:13

My mum had a teacher colleague who was a hoarder. In her classroom cupboard she had over 100 carrier bags and would not part with any of them when she retired. She had a sort of attachment issue. Not excusing his shit behaviour and I would be leaving him over this, just saying it’s not the first instance of carrier bag strange behaviour I’ve heard of.

Spellegrin · 09/01/2023 08:14

You sound like you both have issues tbh

amonsteronthehill · 09/01/2023 08:14

hahahahahahahahahahha

What a twat.

You pay for most things and run him around half of the time and he can't 'loan' you a 20p bag, and that harangues you about it?

Dump him.

People like that need to be alone and not inflicting their ridiculous piss taking on the rest of the world.

WhenIAmOldIShallWearPurple · 09/01/2023 08:15

I think there is a reason why he was single before he was with you.

Dump him for your own sanity.

RampantIvy · 09/01/2023 08:15

He won’t let you use one of his carrier bags
He eats the same food every day
He doesn’t want to eat out
He criticizes you all the time

He really does sound like a catch (not)
Why on earth are you with him?

TiaraBoo · 09/01/2023 08:16

@Feelquiteisolated

Don’t stay with this man because you’re lonely. There is NO way you can have a long term relationship with this man.
You would have to pay for everything only fir him to complain - well I didn’t want children, I didn’t want to get married etc etc
Just end it, force yourself to start some new hobbies and get some enjoyment back into your life.

BeachBlondey · 09/01/2023 08:16

He said it's a tragedy because he can see himself ending up with no bags

A tragedy? A tragedy?

Imagine him being alive during WW1, and having to go to war. How do you get turned on by such a wimp?

As for keeping bags in his pockets, does he rustle when he walks?

Uurgh. I'd throw this one back and get yourself a proper bloke.

DarkNecessities · 09/01/2023 08:17

You are never going to be able to live with this man OP. He’s a man who should always live alone.

If you’re not expecting a future and can tolerate his behaviour, fine. Otherwise, just quietly reduce contact and leave. Personally I would be tempted to up my scale of random behaviour just to see what happens 😂

Wibbly1008 · 09/01/2023 08:19

Spoil his systems ?! Ffs run this guy is a nut.

KatherineJaneway · 09/01/2023 08:19

He sounds awful. Tight, inflexible and critical. LTB!

AngelinaFibres · 09/01/2023 08:19

Parrotid · 09/01/2023 00:20

Omg I want to hear more and more and more.

How does this prince persuade you to hop in the sac? I HAVE to know.

Is he weird about toilet roll? He is, isn’t he.

He probably goes for the 3 sheets rule. One wipe up, one wipe down and a third sheet for a final polish.
My husband was brought up this way by his very domineering father.
Run Op. It doesn't matter whether he is ND or an arsehole, just run.

Footle · 09/01/2023 08:20

Haven't read whole thread but he sounds like the Anne Tyler character who makes seven portions of the same meal on a Sunday , to eat every day of the week. He's thrown into a panic when asked out for one meal, because it will ruin his system.

Tamarindtree · 09/01/2023 08:20

I’ve found his LinkedIn page -

DP won't lend me his carrier bags
HowDoYouOwnDisorder · 09/01/2023 08:24

If this is us true, I don’t get it:

why are you with him at all?

why did you not laugh at his ridiculousness?

why are you doing most of the paying and driving?

why do you think this is all you deserve?

freckles20 · 09/01/2023 08:24

This sounds really really difficult OP.

Your partner's habits and requirements are not normal. He may be ND, or be struggling with his mental health which could help explain why he acts like this and it's not for me to judge this as bad or wrong as it sounds very complex.

However, it is absolutely not ok for him to expect you to live or act within his requirements, or to criticise your perfectly normal way of doing things and your right not to do things his way. That is honestly cruel, unacceptable and downright impossible.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/01/2023 08:24

He sounds awful OP. Almost like this couldn’t be real level of awful . What joy does he bring to your life? You don’t even live with him and he’s like this.

I really would get rid.

BliainNua · 09/01/2023 08:24

This started kinda funny, but very quickly turned disturbing. I hope you are reading all the posts @Feelquiteisolated , there are some very knowledgeable posters on MN who can really help you.

One thing that stood out for me (actually it all did, how to wash a cup.... 🤔) was the criticising your driving. I gave my parents a lift yesterday, my dad told me I was too close to the car in front (I wasn't) so I told him when he drives he can decide how close to be but when I drive it's my decision. Your response to him should be similar, you're driving so you decide - at long as it's not dangerous like 80 in a 50 speed limit zone.

Also, I'm getting these ads on this thread which made me laugh....

DP won't lend me his carrier bags
girlmom21 · 09/01/2023 08:25

Can people read the updates before laughing about the OP? The thread took a pretty sinister turn.

He flicked water in your face because you washed a cup 'wrong'?!

That's pretty bad.

What happens if you fold a towel 'wrong' or store his belt 'wrong'? Is he going to flick you in the face with those too?

He's unhinged and you need to leave him.

orangegato · 09/01/2023 08:26

Walrus6 · 08/01/2023 23:19

Is this a reverse?

New ish here, what is a reverse please?

Gricheynewyear · 09/01/2023 08:27

I regularly give strangers in the queue a carrier bag if they have forgotten their bags.

Do you think he is worried about having to buy them again?

KnitterNat · 09/01/2023 08:29

The bag stuff is weird and would be a deal-breaker for me, but we're all allowed our own weirdness. Flicking water at you for washing a cup "wrong" however is a massive red flag- he sounds extremely controlling and I'd hit the bricks.

HeadNorth · 09/01/2023 08:30

Having read you update OP, I feel so sad for you. Your self-esteem must be rock bottom if you are prepared to tolerate this treatment from a 'partner' - indeed, from anyone.

I think you need to finish him and put some energy into building your sense of self worth - you deserve so much better than this.

Cityzen74 · 09/01/2023 08:30

Feelquiteisolated · 08/01/2023 23:57

Thank you everyone.

As for paying for more, he doesn't want to eat out, he says that I do and it's inferior food so he shouldn't pay. But he has the same 3 meals every day. I don't like them (I don't hate them but I can't eat the same 3 meals every day) so when I'm there we have issues.

He criticises everything I do, he tells me to speed up if I'm doing 40 in a 50, he goes crazy if I drive at more than 55 on the motorway. This is my own car, that he contributes zero to. I shower wrong or at the wrong time. I moisturise my face wrong, I washed a cup wrong in his sink today and he flicked water in my face (there's never been any violence tho)

This must look like a total dripfeed, it's not, I'm just feeling a bit upset about the whole day but mostly him telling me I'm being dramatic and then going to bed leaving me feeling abandoned. To the poster that said this is a red flag, I totally agree!

I haven't read the full thread sorry but I have read your posts @Feelquiteisolated and this makes me sad. I think this would make me re-evaluate the relationship. It is just so tiring always being criticised isn't it and wondering what it is you are going to do wrong next? I can empathise with that. Sending you all my best wishes and strength for whatever you decide Flowers