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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP won't lend me his carrier bags

707 replies

Feelquiteisolated · 08/01/2023 23:16

I know this sounds totally ridiculous but DP and I had a fall out today over carrier bags.

DP is organised, he carries 3 carrier bags in his coat and more in his car and house. I spend most weekends at his house and I have bags in my car but none in my coat. Today we went shopping and I had no bags. Had I been alone I would have bought some, but he had some. He wouldn't loan me one of his 3 in his pockets, and said I needed to buy my own.

I was not happy. I bought his lunch and dinner yesterday and during the shopping trip he added an item that cost £1.30 so I was like "well I'm worth a 20p bag!"

He ended up loaning me the bag but tonight he expressed his unhappiness on WhatsApp. He said I have no right to spoil his systems, I don't respect him, he doesn't want my mess adding to his mess. He said it's a tragedy because he can see himself ending up with no bags.

He said I need to know my behaviour was not acceptable. But I really just think if he has something I need why would he make me buy it, it feels humiliating to me. But perhaps I'm missing the point and I need to pay for not being organised.

I feel like I generally pay for more than him, well no, I know this is true. I pay for 80% of our meals out, I drive over 50% of the time, I buy him treats etc.

So he said all that and then said for me to stop being dramatic because he was going to bed. This was before 9.30pm. I'm left feeling a bit abandoned, isolated and lonely. I don't really think I'm a needy person but I feel this way quite often.

This is totally outing if he reads it, but oh well.

AIBU? should I buy and carry my own bags and buy them while out even if I would only need to borrow for a short time?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Moranguinho · 09/01/2023 07:13

He seems to be on the spectrum of autism.

AnuSTart · 09/01/2023 07:15

TinySaltLick · 08/01/2023 23:30

Every day I would put his coat bags in a hot oven for about 5-10 seconds so they get smaller, but so not to be perceptible

Over the weeks and months it will eat away at him wondering if his hands are getting bigger until it will come to a head 31st Dec 2025 where you can print a copy of this thread in size 1 font and hide it in his miniature bags

This.

Then LTB

Seriously. He's an absolute knob.

Manopadmanaban · 09/01/2023 07:15

Vaccine001 · 08/01/2023 23:26

Autism?

Please stop using autism for crappy behaviour!!

Thighlengthboots · 09/01/2023 07:17

he said it's a tragedy because he can see himself ending up with no bags

If this if true and not a troll post and you pay for meals out etc then you need to get rid of him. This is a red flag for being miserly and inflexible. If you stay with him these traits will likely drive you over the edge long term

Fuwari · 09/01/2023 07:18

I echo all the other posters telling you to LTB.

But one thing I want to focus on is him flicking water at you for doing the washing up wrong. I was with someone who started out doing things like this. Things where you tell yourself “well it’s not like he hit me” so you ignore it and carry on. Don’t ignore it. I did and it escalated over time, a little more violent each time, a little more vicious each time. It is exactly the boiling frog scenario. People ask why women put up with abuse, it’s because it starts in a myriad of small ways, as your partner is doing. By the time it escalates to serious physical violence your mind is trapped and you can’t see a way out. Don’t let that happen to you. Get out now.

sizeofahippo · 09/01/2023 07:24

He sounds controlling and set in his ways. I read this as him being in his 50s or older.
Not a great recipe for a long term relationship.

FlamingoQueen · 09/01/2023 07:26

Seriously, you need to start a life away from him. Things can only go downhill from here.

Caterpillar1990 · 09/01/2023 07:26

Stop it 😂😂😂

gamerchick · 09/01/2023 07:35

Feelquiteisolated · 08/01/2023 23:57

Thank you everyone.

As for paying for more, he doesn't want to eat out, he says that I do and it's inferior food so he shouldn't pay. But he has the same 3 meals every day. I don't like them (I don't hate them but I can't eat the same 3 meals every day) so when I'm there we have issues.

He criticises everything I do, he tells me to speed up if I'm doing 40 in a 50, he goes crazy if I drive at more than 55 on the motorway. This is my own car, that he contributes zero to. I shower wrong or at the wrong time. I moisturise my face wrong, I washed a cup wrong in his sink today and he flicked water in my face (there's never been any violence tho)

This must look like a total dripfeed, it's not, I'm just feeling a bit upset about the whole day but mostly him telling me I'm being dramatic and then going to bed leaving me feeling abandoned. To the poster that said this is a red flag, I totally agree!

OP this is bigger than carrier bags. You probably don't have a long term future with this person, he has issues that will be tough to navigate.

SpicyFoodRocks · 09/01/2023 07:37

OP this is about him needing to be in control. Whether that’s his personality, autism, OCD etc nobody knows. But the flicking water at you, whilst not dangerous in itself, is highly unpleasant and verging on abusive.

You need a frank chat. And if he cannot or will not acknowledge his faults, then it’s time to leave I think. I am sorry OP.

(I get irritated at always having to give bags to my unprepared husband and teens, but wouldn’t dream of behaving like he has done here)

DelphiniumBlue · 09/01/2023 07:39

He’s nuts. Move on.

AnybodyAnywhere · 09/01/2023 07:45

This isn’t relevant but I need to know!

If he carries 3 bags in his coat at all times then how/where does he carry them on hot days in Summer when no coat or jacket required?

Sorry, not taking the piss, just intrigued.

Paulisexcluded · 09/01/2023 07:46

This sounds like an autism related trait....my DH has "systems" which he likes to stick to. If someone rates those systems he becomes quite agitated.

For example he realised it is possible light the fire with a broad bean sized pice of firelighters. He then tried to get me to do the same. The fire takes a very long time to get going. I told him to fuck off for the sake of a few pence. I like my fires to be going within a few mins not a whole hour.

It's not exactly stinginess although a lot of these "systems" do involve being tight as hell.

I haven't read the whole thread but I can completely belive this. I have been married for 13 years and my DH is a wonderful man in many ways but many things like this crop up and it has nearly broken us on occasion.

I feel like I am accommodating his needs a lot of the time.

Unless you adore the very bones of him, run.

DarceyG · 09/01/2023 07:49

Feelquiteisolated · 08/01/2023 23:16

I know this sounds totally ridiculous but DP and I had a fall out today over carrier bags.

DP is organised, he carries 3 carrier bags in his coat and more in his car and house. I spend most weekends at his house and I have bags in my car but none in my coat. Today we went shopping and I had no bags. Had I been alone I would have bought some, but he had some. He wouldn't loan me one of his 3 in his pockets, and said I needed to buy my own.

I was not happy. I bought his lunch and dinner yesterday and during the shopping trip he added an item that cost £1.30 so I was like "well I'm worth a 20p bag!"

He ended up loaning me the bag but tonight he expressed his unhappiness on WhatsApp. He said I have no right to spoil his systems, I don't respect him, he doesn't want my mess adding to his mess. He said it's a tragedy because he can see himself ending up with no bags.

He said I need to know my behaviour was not acceptable. But I really just think if he has something I need why would he make me buy it, it feels humiliating to me. But perhaps I'm missing the point and I need to pay for not being organised.

I feel like I generally pay for more than him, well no, I know this is true. I pay for 80% of our meals out, I drive over 50% of the time, I buy him treats etc.

So he said all that and then said for me to stop being dramatic because he was going to bed. This was before 9.30pm. I'm left feeling a bit abandoned, isolated and lonely. I don't really think I'm a needy person but I feel this way quite often.

This is totally outing if he reads it, but oh well.

AIBU? should I buy and carry my own bags and buy them while out even if I would only need to borrow for a short time?

Sorry but what an absolute freak. His carrier bag system? I’ve heard it all now.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 09/01/2023 07:49

Can't see this relationship going anywhere.
Bags? Ridiculous.

But the main point is he has a what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine mentality and he's completely selfish and won't inconvenience himself even mildly to accommodate you in a pinch.

He's willing to cost you as much money as possible in every scenario.

He's not going to change.

Paulisexcluded · 09/01/2023 07:50

Ugh just read the flicking water and other info. Please leave. This is unacceptable behaviour. You deserve so much better.

SnackyOnassis · 09/01/2023 07:52

He might be NT, but he is also a dick. One is not intrinsically linked to the other.

OP, has he always been like this or has it gradually reached this point so you haven't noticed a sudden jump to this kind of controlling, punishing, and frankly boring behaviour?
What do you get out of the relationship? Where do your needs, wants and desires come into it? Because from the sounds of it, you're just a passenger in this man's life, and if you walked out in the morning (and I strongly recommend you treat yourself by doing so) it sounds like it would have very little effect on him. He'd still eat the same three meals, wash his cups the way he likes and know where his bags are at all times, all of which sounds far more important to him than you or your place in his life.
I'm not saying this to have a dig at you because it sounds like you get enough of that from him, but do you know this is not normal? It's not even close to normal.

If you want to be in this, or any relationship, please think about what you get out of it, and not just how best you can accommodate your partner. If it's just to know you're not single (although being single is great) there are better options out there. If it's for sex, then I cannot begin to express to you how much more desirable a person is when they're not obsessed with having three carrier bags in their pockets (personally, I would really struggle to get hot for someone with these priorities) but a mutually respectful, fun and loving relationship is the absolute tits and I'm not sure why you think you don't deserve that.

DarceyG · 09/01/2023 07:52

Honestly he’s sounds narcissistic my ex was like that about washing up etc. what a total bastard he turned out to be and still is. I have to coparent with him and everything has to go by his rigid rules. I just tell him to piss off now and mind his own business

quietnightmare · 09/01/2023 07:53

At least you know what to get him for birthdays and Christmas

katepilar · 09/01/2023 08:02

Fuwari · 09/01/2023 07:18

I echo all the other posters telling you to LTB.

But one thing I want to focus on is him flicking water at you for doing the washing up wrong. I was with someone who started out doing things like this. Things where you tell yourself “well it’s not like he hit me” so you ignore it and carry on. Don’t ignore it. I did and it escalated over time, a little more violent each time, a little more vicious each time. It is exactly the boiling frog scenario. People ask why women put up with abuse, it’s because it starts in a myriad of small ways, as your partner is doing. By the time it escalates to serious physical violence your mind is trapped and you can’t see a way out. Don’t let that happen to you. Get out now.

Love the way you described it!

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 09/01/2023 08:02

He is ridiculously controlling, and your place is always in the wrong. Is this how you want to spend your life? You're not partners, you're his supporting act supposed to follow his scrips, when you do n't , he kicks off.

It's time to end it before you lose more than 10p for a bag.

CrunchyCarrot · 09/01/2023 08:04

He criticises everything I do, he tells me to speed up if I'm doing 40 in a 50, he goes crazy if I drive at more than 55 on the motorway. This is my own car, that he contributes zero to. I shower wrong or at the wrong time. I moisturise my face wrong, I washed a cup wrong in his sink today and he flicked water in my face (there's never been any violence tho

Now we're getting to the crux of the matter, OP. It's the constant drip-drip-drip of this type of treatment that indicates he's a control freak (for whatever reasons) and that you are having to please him or else reap the consequences. And whilst (as yet) these aren't violent ones, they are still confidence-eroding and clearly anxiety-inducing behaviours on his part.

I can't see him changing OP so you need to decide whether you want to keep going down this negative route. I promise if you leave you will feel SO relieved you'll wonder why you didn't leave earlier! Being single is way better than this existence.

Duckingella · 09/01/2023 08:04

oakleaffy · 09/01/2023 00:37

Maybe they are his ''Comfort bags'', his 'Transitional objects', his little pets.

''No one takes Bag away from Daddy''.

I'm sat here laughing into my cup of tea and DH is looking at me like I've lose the plot.

WandaWonder · 09/01/2023 08:07

Is there any wire in the blood fans? (Relevant if you get the reference)

DontStopMeNow7 · 09/01/2023 08:11

WandaWonder · 09/01/2023 08:07

Is there any wire in the blood fans? (Relevant if you get the reference)

Lol. Weren’t they specifically blue plastic bags? Is this a reference to the serial killer or the ASD psychologist?