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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP won't lend me his carrier bags

707 replies

Feelquiteisolated · 08/01/2023 23:16

I know this sounds totally ridiculous but DP and I had a fall out today over carrier bags.

DP is organised, he carries 3 carrier bags in his coat and more in his car and house. I spend most weekends at his house and I have bags in my car but none in my coat. Today we went shopping and I had no bags. Had I been alone I would have bought some, but he had some. He wouldn't loan me one of his 3 in his pockets, and said I needed to buy my own.

I was not happy. I bought his lunch and dinner yesterday and during the shopping trip he added an item that cost £1.30 so I was like "well I'm worth a 20p bag!"

He ended up loaning me the bag but tonight he expressed his unhappiness on WhatsApp. He said I have no right to spoil his systems, I don't respect him, he doesn't want my mess adding to his mess. He said it's a tragedy because he can see himself ending up with no bags.

He said I need to know my behaviour was not acceptable. But I really just think if he has something I need why would he make me buy it, it feels humiliating to me. But perhaps I'm missing the point and I need to pay for not being organised.

I feel like I generally pay for more than him, well no, I know this is true. I pay for 80% of our meals out, I drive over 50% of the time, I buy him treats etc.

So he said all that and then said for me to stop being dramatic because he was going to bed. This was before 9.30pm. I'm left feeling a bit abandoned, isolated and lonely. I don't really think I'm a needy person but I feel this way quite often.

This is totally outing if he reads it, but oh well.

AIBU? should I buy and carry my own bags and buy them while out even if I would only need to borrow for a short time?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
User787878787878 · 09/01/2023 06:25

Seriously, what are you getting from this relationship?

He said I have no right to spoil his systems, I don't respect him, he doesn't want my mess adding to his mess. He said it's a tragedy because he can see himself ending up with no bags.

Tragedy - really? That reaction is so ridiculous over a bloody bag.

He said I need to know my behaviour was not acceptable.

Why wasn't it acceptable? You asked him to lend you a plastic bag - it's not like you were asking for his life savings.

So he said all that and then said for me to stop being dramatic because he was going to bed.

The man who thinks that ending up with no bags for life would be a "tragedy" is accusing you of being dramatic?

Run. Run far and fast. Like your heels are on fire and your arse is catching.

Jaxinthebox · 09/01/2023 06:32

oh please, bag gate is a non issue compared to the rest of what you have posted. What exactly DO you get out of this relationship? Not much Id imagine, except made to feel small, insignificant, pathetic and on the back foot all the time.

Let me tell you something - NOTHING you ever do will be right for this person, so get out now and rebuild your self esteem and confidence. And block him on everything.

OneForTheRoadThen · 09/01/2023 06:33

What do you get out of this relationship?

Adviceneeded200 · 09/01/2023 06:33

We need his side of the story!

SeatonCarew · 09/01/2023 06:43

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 09/01/2023 00:49

A body bag even.

Or, as they're known nowadays, a 'bag for death' Grin

Applause! 🥂

OffCycling · 09/01/2023 06:46

Going against the grain but I'm with your partner on this. I'm autistic, my husband is ADHD (and most likely autistic too). He's disorganised and chaotic and doesn't respect even the smallest things that are important to me as he has different priorities. He's actively disruptive of me doing anything that doesn't suit him and I don't feel heard or valued in our (25 year) relationship. I'd also recommend ending it now as this isn't going to change and is likely to cause you both much heartache over the years.

MadeofElephantStone · 09/01/2023 06:49

Negging is his hobby, I think. Telling you all the things you do wrong/he doesn't like until you start to doubt yourself. Not only does he neg, he gaslights you into thinking you are being dramatic when you rightly talk back. This man will destroy your mind and self esteem if you don't put a stop to it...and he's tight with money and feels entitled to yours. What are you getting out of this? Please do yourself a favour and bin him, you deserve better than this.

Lenmaw · 09/01/2023 06:49

Hi@Feelquiteisolated

you’re in an emotionally and financially abusive relationship. Sometimes it takes writing these things down to realise how vile and beyond the realms of normality someone’s behaviour toward you is.

you need him out of your life, but he sounds unhinged and it may be that he becomes even more abusive if you end things. Please reach out if you need support, you can message me for some signposting to places that can help if you’d like. X

Brefugee · 09/01/2023 06:54

But OP there has been sign after sign after sign. Yes you should be more organised, but he should stop trying to control you. It is clear you're not compatible so maybe time to call it a day?

But you might like to make one effort to explain to him that how he behaves to you isn't acceptable? And invoice him for the things you have bought? Or if you stay together to either not buy him things, or make him give you a bag for you to put his things in?

The thing with the meals? I kind of get his point, if he eats the same thing every meal he might be making a huge effort to go out. But then if he agrees to go out, he should pay for what he eats. Probably. I'm not sure on that, how much pressure do you put on him to go with you? you don't live with him so how often do you get stuck eating the same things? can you take food to eat at his?

Does he get anxious when you are doing these things that he obsesses over? He probably needs to see his GP.

Bottom line? you have to decide if you want this to be your life or not

Manopadmanaban · 09/01/2023 06:54

Feelquiteisolated · 08/01/2023 23:16

I know this sounds totally ridiculous but DP and I had a fall out today over carrier bags.

DP is organised, he carries 3 carrier bags in his coat and more in his car and house. I spend most weekends at his house and I have bags in my car but none in my coat. Today we went shopping and I had no bags. Had I been alone I would have bought some, but he had some. He wouldn't loan me one of his 3 in his pockets, and said I needed to buy my own.

I was not happy. I bought his lunch and dinner yesterday and during the shopping trip he added an item that cost £1.30 so I was like "well I'm worth a 20p bag!"

He ended up loaning me the bag but tonight he expressed his unhappiness on WhatsApp. He said I have no right to spoil his systems, I don't respect him, he doesn't want my mess adding to his mess. He said it's a tragedy because he can see himself ending up with no bags.

He said I need to know my behaviour was not acceptable. But I really just think if he has something I need why would he make me buy it, it feels humiliating to me. But perhaps I'm missing the point and I need to pay for not being organised.

I feel like I generally pay for more than him, well no, I know this is true. I pay for 80% of our meals out, I drive over 50% of the time, I buy him treats etc.

So he said all that and then said for me to stop being dramatic because he was going to bed. This was before 9.30pm. I'm left feeling a bit abandoned, isolated and lonely. I don't really think I'm a needy person but I feel this way quite often.

This is totally outing if he reads it, but oh well.

AIBU? should I buy and carry my own bags and buy them while out even if I would only need to borrow for a short time?

This is so sad and selfish even my autistic daughter will loan me her shopping bags. Please don't use neuro diverse as an excuse for crap behaviour!!

Maytodecember · 09/01/2023 06:55

Feelquiteisolated · 08/01/2023 23:29

I know, I sometimes think that as well when I read threads on here.

But I suppose it's hard to see when you're stuck in the situation.

Thank you all for the comments. I feel quite upset about it, we have been together for 2 years now but we have a longer history.

Show quote history

Sounds like 2 years too long.
A tragedy that you borrowed a shopping back? He is beyond strange.

saleorbouy · 09/01/2023 06:57

'Sharing is caring' he doesn't care about you and does more for his strange bag system.
Sounds like you need to analyse the relationship more closely, to me it makes me think he is selfish and has a few issues if lending a carrier bag triggers a reaction like this.
If you stay together there are going to be far more complex situations than bag sharing especially if you have DC.
I'd move on, he sounds strange.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 09/01/2023 06:59

This man isn’t “right.” I’ve never heard of anything so ridiculous. As you don’t live together (and like PP have said, it’s not really a partnership) why don’t you just leave him? I can’t imagine his meanness/weirdness is ever going to get better.

I don’t imagine you’re going to live happily ever after with this man. Sorry.

katepilar · 09/01/2023 07:00

TinySaltLick · 08/01/2023 23:30

Every day I would put his coat bags in a hot oven for about 5-10 seconds so they get smaller, but so not to be perceptible

Over the weeks and months it will eat away at him wondering if his hands are getting bigger until it will come to a head 31st Dec 2025 where you can print a copy of this thread in size 1 font and hide it in his miniature bags

What ?!
This actually sounds just about right ansqer to this post :D

Poppyblush · 09/01/2023 07:01

If this is true then wtf! There are a lot of red flags. Dump him.

Nudity · 09/01/2023 07:01

Get him this as a parting gift.

DP won't lend me his carrier bags
User787878787878 · 09/01/2023 07:03

How on earth does your relationship work if he views everything as transactional? Emotionally and physically? I listened to your work moan for 8 minutes yesterday so you owe me that time? You asked me to cuddle you for 2 minutes last night so I want the same back in foreplay later?

Skye99 · 09/01/2023 07:03

Feelquiteisolated · 08/01/2023 23:57

Thank you everyone.

As for paying for more, he doesn't want to eat out, he says that I do and it's inferior food so he shouldn't pay. But he has the same 3 meals every day. I don't like them (I don't hate them but I can't eat the same 3 meals every day) so when I'm there we have issues.

He criticises everything I do, he tells me to speed up if I'm doing 40 in a 50, he goes crazy if I drive at more than 55 on the motorway. This is my own car, that he contributes zero to. I shower wrong or at the wrong time. I moisturise my face wrong, I washed a cup wrong in his sink today and he flicked water in my face (there's never been any violence tho)

This must look like a total dripfeed, it's not, I'm just feeling a bit upset about the whole day but mostly him telling me I'm being dramatic and then going to bed leaving me feeling abandoned. To the poster that said this is a red flag, I totally agree!

I think if you stay with him the criticism will only get worse. I wouldn’t want a whole life of that.

Also the way he said he was going to bed (before 9.30 pm) rather than wanting to sort out the row with you is a big red flag to me. I would feel abandoned too. Does he value the relationship if he doesn’t want to repair problems?

PortiasBiscuit · 09/01/2023 07:05

Run like the wind OP, do not look back!

ImBlueDab · 09/01/2023 07:06

HeddaGarbled · 08/01/2023 23:24

I pay for 80% of our meals out, I drive over 50% of the time, I buy him treats etc

Well stop that, for starters.

This!

katepilar · 09/01/2023 07:10

Feelquiteisolated · 08/01/2023 23:57

Thank you everyone.

As for paying for more, he doesn't want to eat out, he says that I do and it's inferior food so he shouldn't pay. But he has the same 3 meals every day. I don't like them (I don't hate them but I can't eat the same 3 meals every day) so when I'm there we have issues.

He criticises everything I do, he tells me to speed up if I'm doing 40 in a 50, he goes crazy if I drive at more than 55 on the motorway. This is my own car, that he contributes zero to. I shower wrong or at the wrong time. I moisturise my face wrong, I washed a cup wrong in his sink today and he flicked water in my face (there's never been any violence tho)

This must look like a total dripfeed, it's not, I'm just feeling a bit upset about the whole day but mostly him telling me I'm being dramatic and then going to bed leaving me feeling abandoned. To the poster that said this is a red flag, I totally agree!

That sounds a bit like my father, I mean telling you about how you do things wrong - which means not the way he wants you to do and if you did them that way there would be a different thing he decides you did wrong. But even my father wouldnt do it this much/at such level. He does tell us how to hold a broom stick or how to cut butter and such.

CaptainMum · 09/01/2023 07:10

This man will make you miserable. He will/has/is sap the joy and life and fun out of your heart and soul. He may not be abusive and he may be organised and helpful (with advice!) But this is not a happy future to face. You will be resentful, bitter, unhappy, worn down and nagged. Can you imagine always being on edge that you may not have a bag handy. And all the other dozens of particulars on his list.

I'm so glad your not married or have children, as you can leave the relationship easily. It may sound tough walking away after years, but you will be so pleased you did in future. Chose a happy life!

selfindulgentmoaner · 09/01/2023 07:10

TinySaltLick · 08/01/2023 23:30

Every day I would put his coat bags in a hot oven for about 5-10 seconds so they get smaller, but so not to be perceptible

Over the weeks and months it will eat away at him wondering if his hands are getting bigger until it will come to a head 31st Dec 2025 where you can print a copy of this thread in size 1 font and hide it in his miniature bags

😂😂😂 love it!

Binfluencer · 09/01/2023 07:13

He flicked water at you?

He's a controlling, petty, boring man, who has potential to be abusive

Run!!

Stravaig · 09/01/2023 07:13

Why are you staying in a relationship that is so clearly damaging to you?

Do not have children with this man.

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