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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think trackers on a teens phone is just wrong in most cases?

436 replies

Roseberry1 · 08/01/2023 17:32

Had a call from my dcs school on Friday. They are 16 in year 11. The receptionist said my dc hadn't been marked as attended to the last lesson and asked if I knew why, etc. It turned out my dd had crossed wires with the teacher in a mix-up, was on site, and it was all legitimate reasons, etc. Anyway, that's not the point in the thread.

The receptionist asked me, "Do you have a tracker on her phone?" When I said no, she gave me the impression I should have one (not just my dc but all teens). I find this so odd! Surely, there should be a certain level of trust when your 15/16 + teens go out. I dated this guy who had a tracker on his 15 year olds phone, his kid was only cycling to his mates house and was tracked, which I thought was ott.

Reasons a parent might track:

They live in an area with a very high crime rate where safety is a real high-risk issue.

Their dc are known to be in lots of trouble a lot of the time, often breaking the law.

They go "missing" for long periods and don't appear home when they are supposed to.

Not for teens just hanging out with their mates in a fairly safe town. Surely, as I said, a certain level of trust has to come in somewhere, and even if they do make mistakes, that's part of learning as you grow up. The thought of being "tracked" all the time by your parents just sounds odd to me!

OP posts:
Jourdain11 · 08/01/2023 18:34

On a lighter note (possibly) I've just asked my DDs (10 and 9) if they'd want to have a tracker when they get mobile phones.

DD2 immediately says, "Yes! I could, like, set it so that it said I was in the middle of Africa and you would be so confused!"

They both appear to find this idea absolutely hysterical. Wouldn't be much help in terms of missing the train though...

OhmygodDont · 08/01/2023 18:35

We all have iPhones with find my iPhone a condition to having a fancy phone is the tracker is on it and my finger print unlocks the phone.

Do I sit there tracking them? No. Does my oldest text if the buses are late etc? Yes.

If the tracker impacting his life in anyway? Nope. But it’s there if the phones lost or he ends up somewhere needing us to get him but he doesn’t quite no where. He can also track my phone if he wants so I guess if we got separated at an event or something he can just ping my phone and find me no panic.

Underminer · 08/01/2023 18:35

My teenager has epilepsy and autism. I track his phone because sometimes he goes out with friends and for medical reasons if he has a seizure, I would like to be able to pinpoint exactly where he is. It is a very useful feature, but I don’t randomly check in on where he is.

Original poster
Roseberry1 · 08/01/2023 18:37

Silverpining · 08/01/2023 18:25

That’s everything to do with being a weak parent.

Trackers don’t make you run to their rescue.

Show quote history

How is that due to being a weak parent?

OP posts:
MarshaBradyo · 08/01/2023 18:37

Roseberry1 · 08/01/2023 18:32

But your dc could have just called if they'd missed the last train and told you where they are if they at a station?

Show quote history

Well he avoided an expensive Uber (and yes he has paid during the strikes).

I really don’t get the issue with it. It’s like the shopping thread where people were outraged at scan and go. Some tech is handy, saves money but people get upset at the thought of it. Others just have good relationships and find it useful.

No big deal.

JassyRadlett · 08/01/2023 18:39

I'm assuming all the 'they must stand on their own two feet and find out their own solutions' don't share useful information with their teens like train strikes, early closing due to industrial action, whether to avoid a certain route as there's a massive diversion...

After all if you're spoonfeeding them, how will they ever learn independence?

(my kids aren't quite at the phone stage yet but when they are, a tracker for emergency use feels totally sensible. A 12 year old can still learn independence and problem solving with a backup plan, and frankly having a phone will mean I'm able to give him more freedom at that age that I would do without one, phone tracking is what balances out the risks that come with the extra freedom.

toocold54 · 08/01/2023 18:39

YANBU but this is MN where even partners track each other’s phones!

We’re in a mad time where everyone’s movements are tracked and everyone needs to be in constant contact with everyone and it’s really affecting our young people.

So many teens and even younger children will panic if they don’t have their phones and we see a constant increase in anxiety.

There was a thread about a woman going mad because her DH took the dog out without his phone and she was asking whether to call the police or not as he was a couple minutes over the time he usually takes and then he walked through the door.

When I was young I had no phone and just went out, my parents had no idea where I was.

Over the years I have been tempted to get a tracker for my child incase she was kidnapped - then I realise it’s my own anxiety and paranoia thinking that way and I need to let her have her freedom.

If anything bad like that does happen then the kidnapper is going to get rid of the phone straight away.

If for some reason they are most in the middle of no where but they have their phone then they can just open maps and see where they are (or ask someone).

Silverpining · 08/01/2023 18:40

Roseberry1 · 08/01/2023 18:37

How is that due to being a weak parent?

Show quote history

Are you hard of understanding?

trackers aren’t the issue, having a tracker doesn’t make parents have to go rescue them, or remove the need for children to communicate with their parents.

You and other posters seem to think having a tracker = kids not able to do things, or work issues out for themselves, it doesn’t. That will only happen if you let it.

Original poster
Roseberry1 · 08/01/2023 18:41

MarshaBradyo · 08/01/2023 18:37

Well he avoided an expensive Uber (and yes he has paid during the strikes).

I really don’t get the issue with it. It’s like the shopping thread where people were outraged at scan and go. Some tech is handy, saves money but people get upset at the thought of it. Others just have good relationships and find it useful.

No big deal.

Show quote history

Scan and go handy as it saves on time. You can pack as you go, and you can get money off. So the tech is good.

Tracking in the circumstances from most of the pro posters on this thread are for silly reasons which, on the whole, prevent teenagers from thinking for themselves. Teens are at an age where making mistakes and learning how to solve them is vital, but they won't learn if parents are making it ultra easy to just mess up and be bailed out easily every time.

OP posts:
icelolly99 · 08/01/2023 18:42

5 of us on Life360. Works both ways for us. Kids can see if we're on our way home from work. We can check if they're home or out. Also one kid dropped phone in local park and so we were able to locate the phone.

Bikeybikeface · 08/01/2023 18:43

I can’t imagine having so strong an opinion about the tech parents do/do not have.
We have the find my iPhone app, the kids aren’t bothered, they are trustworthy and also able to problem solve all by their little selves. Imagine that.

Original poster
Roseberry1 · 08/01/2023 18:43

Silverpining · 08/01/2023 18:40

Are you hard of understanding?

trackers aren’t the issue, having a tracker doesn’t make parents have to go rescue them, or remove the need for children to communicate with their parents.

You and other posters seem to think having a tracker = kids not able to do things, or work issues out for themselves, it doesn’t. That will only happen if you let it.

Show quote history

The examples on this thread say otherwise.

OP posts:
EATmum · 08/01/2023 18:44

All of us have Find my Phone switched on - but they are also well within their rights to switch it off if they choose to. For me, as two of my DC are driving, I don't want to call them to check in and potentially distract them. They know better than to answer, but I can quickly see that they are moving (for example) if they're later than expected and know they've not had an accident. They track me when I'm late leaving work, which is far more often than it should be!

Ponderingwindow · 08/01/2023 18:44

all our expensive devices have trackers. I also have trackers on Dd’s asthma medication because she is prone to losing things. That does allow us to see family members.

I also see no problem with the result being that I can track my teen. I use it sparingly. She is free to track me in return. It’s all very open.

MarshaBradyo · 08/01/2023 18:44

Roseberry1 · 08/01/2023 18:41

Scan and go handy as it saves on time. You can pack as you go, and you can get money off. So the tech is good.

Tracking in the circumstances from most of the pro posters on this thread are for silly reasons which, on the whole, prevent teenagers from thinking for themselves. Teens are at an age where making mistakes and learning how to solve them is vital, but they won't learn if parents are making it ultra easy to just mess up and be bailed out easily every time.

Show quote history

saves on time. You can pack as you go, and you can get money off.

Saves time, ease and save money - yep you’ve summed up the positives of the situation

Plus lower stress all round. Not going to regret avoiding stress and cost, not even for the ‘they must learn the hard way’ posters.

BradfordGirl · 08/01/2023 18:46

I totally agree OP. But many parents appear to have very little trust in their children.

BooksAndHooks · 08/01/2023 18:46

We all use find my friends. None of them have an issue with it, much safer for them. I can see when they are on the way home, if DH is on way home or Stuck in traffic etc.

It has come in handy when we have got separated when out in an unfamiliar area, I saw my DS was on the wrong bus so was able to alert him before he travelled miles in the wrong direction.

It doesn’t stop them going out, in fact it’s the opposite I am able to trust them to go further away than I’d feel comfortable with otherwise.

Original poster
Roseberry1 · 08/01/2023 18:46

toocold54 · 08/01/2023 18:39

YANBU but this is MN where even partners track each other’s phones!

We’re in a mad time where everyone’s movements are tracked and everyone needs to be in constant contact with everyone and it’s really affecting our young people.

So many teens and even younger children will panic if they don’t have their phones and we see a constant increase in anxiety.

There was a thread about a woman going mad because her DH took the dog out without his phone and she was asking whether to call the police or not as he was a couple minutes over the time he usually takes and then he walked through the door.

When I was young I had no phone and just went out, my parents had no idea where I was.

Over the years I have been tempted to get a tracker for my child incase she was kidnapped - then I realise it’s my own anxiety and paranoia thinking that way and I need to let her have her freedom.

If anything bad like that does happen then the kidnapper is going to get rid of the phone straight away.

If for some reason they are most in the middle of no where but they have their phone then they can just open maps and see where they are (or ask someone).

I know, why anyone would track their partner ffs unless they suspected cheating, maybe? It's so weird to me!

OP posts:
Snippedasababy · 08/01/2023 18:48

Roseberry1 · 08/01/2023 18:43

The examples on this thread say otherwise.

Show quote history

So because you think certain posters are not letting their kids work things out for themselves, that means trackers always are used by parents who don’t let kids do anything for themselves?

Even though loads of people have told you other wise?

Have you thought about why you have such a problem with how other parents do this? Did the school make you feel a bit crap, so deciding it’s a sign of good parenting is along you feel better?

I have never once really thought about wether other parents should track their kids or not. Because every situation and family is different. Like all tech, it can be used badly, neutrally and positively.

BooksAndHooks · 08/01/2023 18:48

Actually my kids actively encourage me to have them on find my phone so I can ping their missing phones every time they can’t find them.

multivac · 08/01/2023 18:49

I know a mum of three who checks 'Find my...' last thing every night to make sure her children are all safe at home. My brother is 53, I'm 50 and my sister is 45; I find it adorable and love that she is thinking about usSmile. We use it as a family, too - not all the time, but now and again. It's all consensual and really nbd. Doesn't seem to have stopped our sons from growing into competent, independent adults, either.

EarthlyNightshade · 08/01/2023 18:49

BradfordGirl · 08/01/2023 18:46

I totally agree OP. But many parents appear to have very little trust in their children.

You trust your children, and that's great.

But you don't seem to trust that other parents, who have a different view on parenting to you, are able to make the right choices for their own families.

Original poster
Roseberry1 · 08/01/2023 18:50

BooksAndHooks · 08/01/2023 18:46

We all use find my friends. None of them have an issue with it, much safer for them. I can see when they are on the way home, if DH is on way home or Stuck in traffic etc.

It has come in handy when we have got separated when out in an unfamiliar area, I saw my DS was on the wrong bus so was able to alert him before he travelled miles in the wrong direction.

It doesn’t stop them going out, in fact it’s the opposite I am able to trust them to go further away than I’d feel comfortable with otherwise.

That's a backwards version of trust though. I only trust you to go further if I know you are tracked, so I can check on you if needs be. Trust would be letting them go further and trusting them to contact you if necessary.

OP posts:
MarshaBradyo · 08/01/2023 18:50

BradfordGirl · 08/01/2023 18:46

I totally agree OP. But many parents appear to have very little trust in their children.

It’s not about lack of trust for me

OhmygodDont · 08/01/2023 18:51

Having a tracker though doesn’t mean you’re actively tracking them?

I couldn’t tell you the last time I opened find my iPhone but if we needed it it’s there. The tracker isn’t bad in itself those who abuse it would be the problem.

Those who would abuse it would find another way to be controlling or whatever without it. Remember those kids who where never allowed out to play or to walk to school even tho they basically lived next door even at 14, they didn’t have trackers but their kids still had no lives away from their parents.