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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think trackers on a teens phone is just wrong in most cases?

436 replies

Roseberry1 · 08/01/2023 17:32

Had a call from my dcs school on Friday. They are 16 in year 11. The receptionist said my dc hadn't been marked as attended to the last lesson and asked if I knew why, etc. It turned out my dd had crossed wires with the teacher in a mix-up, was on site, and it was all legitimate reasons, etc. Anyway, that's not the point in the thread.

The receptionist asked me, "Do you have a tracker on her phone?" When I said no, she gave me the impression I should have one (not just my dc but all teens). I find this so odd! Surely, there should be a certain level of trust when your 15/16 + teens go out. I dated this guy who had a tracker on his 15 year olds phone, his kid was only cycling to his mates house and was tracked, which I thought was ott.

Reasons a parent might track:

They live in an area with a very high crime rate where safety is a real high-risk issue.

Their dc are known to be in lots of trouble a lot of the time, often breaking the law.

They go "missing" for long periods and don't appear home when they are supposed to.

Not for teens just hanging out with their mates in a fairly safe town. Surely, as I said, a certain level of trust has to come in somewhere, and even if they do make mistakes, that's part of learning as you grow up. The thought of being "tracked" all the time by your parents just sounds odd to me!

OP posts:
MajorCarolDanvers · 08/01/2023 18:19

I do think it's kind of obnoxious to think that because other families make different choices and use some tech that you don't that they are 'wrong' 'suffering from anxiety' 'weak' and the other various insults on this thread.

666roses · 08/01/2023 18:20

We started by me having a tracker on DH at his request as he is an ultra runner so is out running for hours at a time, then our son got a moped and the condition was that we could track him for our own peace of mind, now we track my dad and his partner as it comes in handy.
It is just one of those things to keep for emergencies or reassurances.
But it is our son who uses it most to track me and his dad .

Original poster
Roseberry1 · 08/01/2023 18:21

MarshaBradyo · 08/01/2023 18:17

How old are your dc and do they take public transport very late at night?

Show quote history

14 and 16. Yes my 16 year old has, if there's a problem she calls, like what 16 year olds have been doing for decades before phone tracking.

OP posts:
MarshaBradyo · 08/01/2023 18:21

MajorCarolDanvers · 08/01/2023 18:19

I do think it's kind of obnoxious to think that because other families make different choices and use some tech that you don't that they are 'wrong' 'suffering from anxiety' 'weak' and the other various insults on this thread.

It’s weird reading these posts re how bad it is. I‘m glad others just use it without fuss and horror.

McConkeysPlate · 08/01/2023 18:23

Many of my family, including my adult children, my 12 year old, my sister and mother all have each other on find my iPhone and Life 360. All with consent. It works for us

MarshaBradyo · 08/01/2023 18:23

Roseberry1 · 08/01/2023 18:21

14 and 16. Yes my 16 year old has, if there's a problem she calls, like what 16 year olds have been doing for decades before phone tracking.

Show quote history

Ok the superiority is a bit odd so I’ll leave it there

Sometimes when you have ten minutes to last train it’s better to let them know so they can get off 🤷‍♂️

AmazonianAvatar · 08/01/2023 18:24

DS (20) and at Uni in London recently asked me to start tracking him as he was stranded after a night out in sub zero snowy and icy conditions in the early hours during a tube strike as the train terminated 4 stops before his stop with no warning. No buses and his phone was on 2%. was trying to get an Uber to him while he was trying to make it back on foot in an unfamiliar area and would lose access to the map app on his phone. Thank god the technology was available as I was able to see where he was and guide him to a pick up point despite his phone dying before the Uber got there. Then track the Uber to dropping him off via their tracking. Afterwards I was imagining what could have happened. If we hadn’t heard from him for a day or so and had no idea what happened to him while he’d got hypothermia and laid down in a ditch somewhere.

Adult DD has also asked me to track her when she’s gone for nights out in an unfamiliar area.

I never tracked them when they were younger but I wish I had as there were a few instances of them being out much later that they said they would be (without responding to texts !) and it would have saved me worrying.

I track DS (12) now as he walks home from secondary school 40 mins away with a big group of mates and thank god I can as he’s recently been diagnosed with diabetes and there have been a few instances where he’s forgotten to eat some carbs before he’s started walking so I can see from his glucose monitor that he’s going towards a hypo and I’ve had to jump in the car and drive to him as he’s kept his phone on silent (grrr) and hasn’t heard his alarm or my calls while he’s mucking about with his mates. So grateful for the technology that I can see exactly where he is!

Y7drama · 08/01/2023 18:24

MajorCarolDanvers · 08/01/2023 18:19

I do think it's kind of obnoxious to think that because other families make different choices and use some tech that you don't that they are 'wrong' 'suffering from anxiety' 'weak' and the other various insults on this thread.

Yes this, we all have Life360 in our family, nobody feels spied upon, just handy to have sometimes.

Jadviga · 08/01/2023 18:24

But if there isn't even enough signal for them to whatsapp you a message, how is there enough signal for you to track them ?

Postapocalypticcowgirl · 08/01/2023 18:25

To be honest, some of the posts on this thread concern me- e.g. Posters seeing the tracker at a bus stop and assuming the child has missed a bus, or seeing the phone is still at a party, so therefore DC must be okay?

Surely it is much much better to text your child? Especially in the party scenario, what if they were really drunk and had passed out? Or had walked home without their phone and had fallen? If you don't then call and check in, you can't know they are okay- so what's the purpose of the tracker anyway?

In some cases it sounds like a false sense of security.

It's obviously really, really rare for a stranger abduction to happen in the UK, but in general the first thing that happens is that the phone gets ditched anyway. If the tracker delays you from worrying, trying to check out if there is a problem e.g. because the phone is sitting at a bus stop then isn't that worse?

It's obviously up to parents/families if they use a tracking app or not, but some of these examples seem to defeat the point if it's for additional safety?

Silverpining · 08/01/2023 18:25

Roseberry1 · 08/01/2023 18:15

Nothing to do with being a weak parent and more to do with your kids working out a solution when they've made a mistake as opposed to parents constantly bailing them out because the child hasn't learnt, or more like having been given the opportunity, to think for themselves.

Show quote history

That’s everything to do with being a weak parent.

Trackers don’t make you run to their rescue.

MarshaBradyo · 08/01/2023 18:27

Jadviga · 08/01/2023 18:19

I find most of the exemples here of why the trackers are necessary to be ridiculous tbh.

DC getting the wrong train - why were you even checking the tracker if they weren't late yet ? Do you plan on doing that every time they take public transport ? To each their own but personally I have a life. If my DC is old enough to take public transport late at night they're old enough to problem solve. If they have to pay a big Uber bill out of their wages, lesson learnt I would assume.

DC saying where they are when lost - they could just as easily find out where they are on googlemaps and ping you the location.

DC flouting curfew - you'd have to call them regardless of where they are to let them know the party is over, so looking at the tracker is a waste of time.

I'm not necessarily saying it's wrong to have the trackers on the phones, if everyone knows about it and is okay with it. But it sounds like a lot of people just make up reasons why they absolutely have to look at where their DC is at all times of the day. I find the behaviour around the trackers, more than the trackers themselves, odd and disturbing tbh.

If DC got kidnapped the first thing the abductor would do is destroy the phone anyway, or put it on another transport to throw off the trail.

Er because it was past midnight and soon no trains. How are people this uninvolved I don’t know but don’t really care what others do tbh

Saved a shed load and that’s fine by me.

BrieAndChilli · 08/01/2023 18:27

We have all 5 of us (kids age 12,14 and 16) on find my iPhone. Don’t use it to monitor their every move. Eg if DD went into town I would be looking at it to see where she was but like others we use it for lost phones - handy when DS lost his in a field!, seeing if someone is almost home, or if o it and about and need to meet up eg ina crowded place.

to be honest if a situation ever arose that someone went missing I would rather have the ability to see where thier phone last was than not be able to track them coz of ‘privacy’!!!
I tracker that is not known about - yes creepy but everyone openly able to track if needed - fine in this day and age of technology.

Original poster
Roseberry1 · 08/01/2023 18:28

cotsma · 08/01/2023 18:19

"Why do you need to see if they have missed the bus?"

Perhaps so they can be picked up?

Living rurally, if my child had missed the designated bus home, there would have been no other way home, except to walk 10 miles down a 60mph busy A road with no pavements.

But living rurally, they often had not enough signal to call.

And I worked 1 hr from the school. So if they missed the bus, and that did happen, I would have to track them to see they were still at school,

So if they missed the bus, knowing to go and get them when they can't call you makes life a lot easier!

Or, they can realise they've missed the bus for themselves and work out they need to call you to arrange a lift. Its usual for a child's phone to not have call minutes nowadays or WhatsApp. Or they could ask the school office to call if near school, or a friend. But let them work that out. I wouldn't be tracking to see if they've missed the bus, why would anyone need to do that? If they've missed it then why? Genuine reason ok, sometimes they get held up at school. Because they're not paying attention? Let them learn.

If I had to then pick them up, they'd be waiting until I finish work, in which case they'd have to find something to do for an hour.

Parent tracking child to see if they've missed the bus so they can instantly go and get them is doing no one any favours.

OP posts:
LetsDoThis2023 · 08/01/2023 18:28

How do i put a tracker on their phone????

AmazonianAvatar · 08/01/2023 18:29

Jadviga · 08/01/2023 18:24

But if there isn't even enough signal for them to whatsapp you a message, how is there enough signal for you to track them ?

At least you know their last location so if they don’t arrive where they were supposed to, you have a starting point if you need to look for someone.

BrokenWing · 08/01/2023 18:29

There is a world of diffence to having a tracker on your phone (child or adult) for positive reasons in a family where there is trust and what you are implying about being constantly "tracked", monitored or spied on.

Obviously some parents could misuse it, but just because some don't like the principle of it and what it could be used for doesn't mean it is implicity wrong. There is a lot more harm going on for children than a parent occasionally having a look to see if their teen is on the way home yet to see if they can put dinner on.

We found it very useful when ds came off his bicycle when exploring in the middle of nowhere, had badly broken his elbow and he couldnt tell us where he was.

BungleandGeorge · 08/01/2023 18:30

Don’t really see the big deal. The school are already keeping an eye on whereabouts that’s why you got a call. You ringing your child to see where they are is no different. I’m sure most parents aren’t sat watching an app all day and the child can leave their phone somewhere or turn off the tracking. They are usually pretty glad of a parent being in the right location at the right time to give them a lift because they’ve been tracked tbh. I’ve no interest in checking to see whether they’re in Superdrug or boots when they’re in town! Kids aren’t allowed to have their phones out using them in many schools so in your scenario the only check a parent could do is the tracker app

Stevie6 · 08/01/2023 18:30

We use the "find my" app on iPhone, I can see them, they can see me, none of us have an issue with it

MajorCarolDanvers · 08/01/2023 18:32

LetsDoThis2023 · 08/01/2023 18:28

How do i put a tracker on their phone????

We use Life 360. Download from App Store.

We had a conversation first to make sure everyone understood and was happy to use it.

It's just me, DH and our two kids (10 & 14) in our circle. I wouldn't feel comfortable extending beyond that though.

rookiemere · 08/01/2023 18:32

DS16 doesn't have a tracker or Find My phone.

I did discuss it with him - most of the DMs I know do have it for their teen DCs - and his response was that he has always come home when he is meant to and he is always happy to tell us where he is or where he has been, but he felt a tracker was an infringement of his civil liberties.

So he doesn't have one - he's much more tech savvy than we are so he could remove anything I tried to install- but the deal is he texts us if he's going to be late and he replies to any texts or calls from us as quickly as he can.

Original poster
Roseberry1 · 08/01/2023 18:32

MarshaBradyo · 08/01/2023 18:27

Er because it was past midnight and soon no trains. How are people this uninvolved I don’t know but don’t really care what others do tbh

Saved a shed load and that’s fine by me.

Show quote history

But your dc could have just called if they'd missed the last train and told you where they are if they at a station?

OP posts:
Stevie6 · 08/01/2023 18:33

Roseberry1 · 08/01/2023 17:38

I'm talking about a specific tracker app on the phone, so the parent can track the child, but also the child can track the parent too as you can't just track one way.

That's not actually correct, my DH doesn't share his location due to his work but he can see all of us

swapcicles · 08/01/2023 18:33

I have 360 and when dd went out on a night out I could see how late she would be by seeing which pub/club she was at.
Also useful when she broke down and didn't know where she was and when she crashed her car I could see where she was.
She also tracks me so can ask me to get stuff for her while I'm out or how long I'll be( useful when the bf is round!)
My parents track each other too, just to know when to pop the kettle on so the returning person has a nice cuppa when they get home.
It's only a problem when one person doesn't agree to be tracked.

Spendonsend · 08/01/2023 18:34

I find the fact the teens all track each other even stranger. They all have snap chat and know if they are home, out, who is with who. None of them seem to mind.
I dont track my son, but my husband does. We feel differently about it.