To think trackers on a teens phone is just wrong in most cases?

[Roseberry1]

Had a call from my dcs school on Friday. They are 16 in year 11. The receptionist said my dc hadn't been marked as attended to the last lesson and asked if I knew why, etc. It turned out my dd had crossed wires with the teacher in a mix-up, was on site, and it was all legitimate reasons, etc. Anyway, that's not the point in the thread.

The receptionist asked me, "Do you have a tracker on her phone?" When I said no, she gave me the impression I should have one (not just my dc but all teens). I find this so odd! Surely, there should be a certain level of trust when your 15/16 + teens go out. I dated this guy who had a tracker on his 15 year olds phone, his kid was only cycling to his mates house and was tracked, which I thought was ott.

Reasons a parent might track:

They live in an area with a very high crime rate where safety is a real high-risk issue.

Their dc are known to be in lots of trouble a lot of the time, often breaking the law.

They go "missing" for long periods and don't appear home when they are supposed to.

Not for teens just hanging out with their mates in a fairly safe town. Surely, as I said, a certain level of trust has to come in somewhere, and even if they do make mistakes, that's part of learning as you grow up. The thought of being "tracked" all the time by your parents just sounds odd to me!

Find it odd and a failure of a parent to not have a tracker on your child’s phone.

I have life360 on my daughters phone, she is 12. I want to know where she is, and be able to keep an eye that she isn't anywhere she shouldn't be. We live in a big city. I want her to be able to go shopping, the cinema, the arcade etc with her friends, I want her to be able to walk to and from school. She's had it since she got a phone and she doesn't mind.
I'm a social worker and definitely see a lot of worst case scenario..but I'd rather her think I'm over protective than lose her. It isn't about trust, it's about safety.

To those who track their DCs - at what age will you stop tracking them?

It’s one thing to track a 10 year old but it’s messed up to track a 20 year old.

My kids are 2 and 4 years away from being adults and are doing well, so no, the school didn't make me feel crap nor do I feel insecure on my parenting lol, I think I've done OK so far. 😀

A 12 year old in a big city is a different scenario. That's when you'd want that layer of security and safety.

"why anyone would track their partner ffs unless they suspected cheating, maybe? It's so weird to me!"

You know for others, with no trust issues, it's no big deal. Why do you assume that it's all about trust?

My DH who does most of the cooking, often looks to see how far home I am so he doesn't have to call me when I'm driving and can get food on for when I'm back, particularly on the nights I don't tend to get back late.

The trouble is, you're coming at from the viewpoint of seeing it as distrustful, nefarious etc... so you're not wanting to see the ease and benefits it can bring. For others, who don't use it to sneakily track, who have open relationships (dh always knows where I am with or without a tracker and vice versa), it's a useful little tool that helps.

If you are genuine in your OP post, then perhaps try listening to those who don't use it for trust issues, but find it genuinely helpful.

I don't see why you are so hell bent that your view is right and anyone who is different is wrong. Different families work in different ways.
We all have find my phone. We all agreed to it and each person has the option to turn it off whenever they choose. We tend to use it a lot when one of us are travelling so know when each other are due home and my DS uses it to track my phone whenever I lose it. We all trust one another and don't use it on a daily basis. I don't see the issue with it but then I also don't stress about the fact others don't use it.

I mean I’m tracking the phone I pay for haha. When they pay for their own phone they are free to do what they wish.

I don’t think it’s the trackers that are the problem, but how they’re used.

One of my DDs has narcolepsy. She switches the tracker on and off on her phone depending on what she’s doing. In her case it adds to safety and gives her confidence to be more independent.
She had dumped two boyfriends by the age of 19 for them insisting that she have it on all the time and shared with them all the time and I think that is a ticking time bomb for young ones in relationships going forward as it’s so normalised. I don’t want my girls to think it’s normal that their partner knows every single left and right they take, and I don’t want my sons to thing it’s normal to demand that from a partner.

In some families it gives a false sense of security as well. I know of multiple occasions when teens have left phones in friends houses specifically because of the trackers in them.

In some cases it also encourages rudeness. My BIL doesn’t bother to drop his partner a text when he’s going to be late for dinner because she checks his location. Same if she’s picking him up - no politeness from him, just the expectation that she’ll check his journey and time the collection. Going by threads on here that’s not unique to them. Manners have dipped enough in the world imo without adding to it.

You talk about “tracking” as though people sit and stare at their phones to see every move their child or partner is making! It’s not at all like that!
Im 54 and Dh is 55 and we can locate each other by our phones if we needed to, bet that makes your hair stand on end! 😁

Also the biggest problem is when someone kicks off at the tracking being turned off. That’s often when problems start

I track Dd but she’s 14, not 16. There obviously comes a point when tracking is wrong and intrusive- it’s somewhere between 16th and 18th birthdays, but I’m not sure exactly where. When Dd is that age I feel like I’ll have an instinct for when it feels wrong.

The what’s your issue?

Is there a reason you can’t understand what works for you and your kids, is simply what works for you.

In other families it’s different?

I don’t think city v country is part of it at all though. Much more likely if you live in the back of beyond that a teen might get stuck/ lost somewhere and you’d need a tracker to see where they are.

Mind you, Dd has just used the fact there’s a tracker on her phone to work out of it’s here or at her dad’s!

You know for others, with no trust issues, it's no big deal. Why do you assume that it's all about trust?

My DH who does most of the cooking, often looks to see how far home I am so he doesn't have to call me when I'm driving and can get food on for when I'm back, particularly on the nights I don't tend to get back late.

So he’s got to keep checking his phone to see how far away you are?
That doesn’t make sense!

If your finish times vary then why can’t you just text him when you are leaving so he knows roughly what time to put your dinner on.
It would be much less hassle.

I have "find my phone" as part of family sharing on my teens' phones.
OP would you feel differently if your DD hadn't turned up safe and well? What if she hadn't gone to any more of her lessons, and hadn't come home that day, or that evening, or the next morning? You'd probably be on here advising all of us to get trackers.

We've never tracked the children's phones, but I was speaking to a friend and all her family can track each other including the adults. On the basis of the number of times she gets a call from one of them asking for directions to wherever they're going, then I suspect it's mostly because of that.

Anyway it works for them, just as not tracking has always worked for us.

Ds(18) has find my iphone switched on. We dont "track" him. He can switch it off whenever he wants, has been able to for years, or permanently whenever he wants.

As a family he and we occasionally find it useful and trust each other not to be snooping. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I find it is only those who have concerns of being spied on themselves, perhaps paranonia or do not trust their family that frame it as being " tracked".

I'm single now, but when I had partners in the past, dinner was never an issue/spoilt/burnt/cold, whatever the circumstances of work/on way home.

People can do what they want, but the justifications for using trackers on each other as though it's a real life emergency and as though people didn't manage their way just fine without is just bizarre!

Trackers are great for parents’ peace of mind and finding lost phones. Both my teens have them and want them. They don’t feel I’m tracking their every move, because I’m not. It’s just there for back up….just in case.

@Roseberry1
I agree with you. It's very adversarial imo, and not a substitute for developing a healthy mutual respect.

Treating teens as if they're not to be trusted sometimes becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

If parents are anxious they should deal with the anxiety. A teen shouldn't be forced to act as a crutch for it.

We all track each other in my family, it is incredibly useful. My DS is at Uni, it gives me peace of mind in the early hours when I know he’s been out drinking in the city centre, and I can see he’s made it back to his flat.

Would pp have liked being tracked when they were teenagers? I would have hated it.

Some of these posts are odd. Really over doing their own mistrust angle but it’s not the same for everyone.

My kids have iPhones. iPhones are bloody expensive. I track the phones more so than the kids!
The whole family is on Life360 and find friends so we know where everyone is and as long as none of us feel like it's intrusive we'll keep it like that. It's quite handy for the kids who will have a look then send me a message, "mum while you're at the shop, can you pick up Pringles please?" Or something like that.