DM gave back birthday presents?

[Niffler29]

I’ll probably end up asking for this to be taken down as it’s a bit outing but I really need to get it off my chest.

I’ll start by saying my DM is not an easy person. I’d be here all day if I listed all of the issues but I had a pretty awful childhood and moved out at 16. I try to be understanding as she has MH issues and try to maintain a relationship with her but it can be difficult .

It was her birthday yesterday. I spent a lot of money on her for Christmas (nearly £300) as she doesn’t have any friends and barely any family so she wouldn’t have got much otherwise. In hindsight, I should have put some of the gifts away for her birthday as I am a bit short of cash now. She is working all weekend so I wasn’t able to take her anywhere for her birthday. I asked on numerous occasions if there was anything she wanted but she said no. I got her a few small gifts - hat and gloves that she had seen in a nice shop and repeatedly said she liked, socks as she said she didn’t have any at all (she has been wearing her trainers/boots without any socks for months), a couple of very non offensive candles and some of her favorite chocolates plus two cards, one from me and one from DS. I spent around £60 which left me with £10 after food shop etc till Tuesday.

It was very obvious from the second that she started opening them that she wasn’t happy. She didn’t say thank you and her face was like thunder. She later called me to say she doesn’t use candles anymore so she would give me them back - she has had candles on on at least 3 occasions in the past few weeks and can’t walk past a candle in a shop without smelling it but I said okay, no bother. I also reminded her that I’d given her gift receipts so she didn’t need to give them back, the shop they’re from sells tonnes of stuff not just candles.

She then calls me this morning to say she is outside my flat as she was passing and asked if I could send DS down as she had something for him. She didn’t want to come up. DS comes back up with ALL of the birthday gifts we gave her, even the chocolates. He was really confused (he’s 11) and said she didn’t want them. She then messaged me to say she doesn’t wear those type of socks (they were normal socks that everyone in the world wears), the hat and gloves don’t fit her (the fit me and they’re the same size) and she has too many chocolates (she complained at Christmas and New Year that she didn’t get any).

She had form for this and much worse behaviour when I was young. I vividly remember her throwing a present we had got her off pocket money (from grandparents) off a wall and then frog marching us to the shop in tears to return it when in primary school. I’ve had really bad anxiety since yesterday knowing something like this was coming. I reminded her that she had gift receipts and could exchange them but she said she didn’t shop in those shops. I just didn’t get into an argument with her about it and said okay, sorry you didn’t like them. I can’t even return half of it as she has taken the tags off. She didn’t get any other presents or cards.

It has made me feel unbelievably shit. I honestly would never do that to anyone, I’ve had some questionable gifts at times (from her too) and I am grateful for them, or at least pretend to be. She’s now gone totally silent and I’m just waiting for the blow up to happen, it always does when she’s in a bad mood. I honestly wonder what it must be like to have a normal mum and family.

Why do you have anything to do with her?

i am sorry she sounds awful
i hope you can put her behaviour behind you,
you know she is like this
she has form for this. it sounds par for the course.

definately go low contact

So sad for you OP, after all your efforts. You made a huge effort for her. YADNBU.
Any one of those lovely presents would have made most peoples day.

I know how you feel.
Many decades ago it was DMs birthday and big wed anniversary.
So I made a cake we bought crystal vase and I picked up some lovely flowers to go in it.
I arrived and she was in bed in a mood,I know something may have happened with df but she did this loads.She stayed up there sulking.
So many times I tried to make her happy it never worked.
Look after yourself and your ds.
I got her nothing this Xmas.Zero.

Thank you so much for all your comments, I appreciate all of them! I will be taking the advice and going low contact and keeping her at arms length. As a few people have said, it’s like I’ve been walking on eggshells my whole life with her. I‘ve tried so so hard, especially the past 6 months and I thought we were actually making progress but I’m done now.

I feel really guilty that she’s on her own with no friends and she does seem to get lonely which is why, despite much much worse behavior than this over the years, I’ve kept trying. I don’t have much family either (basically just my mum and brother plus his family), my dad and grandparents all passed away in the last few years. They were my dad’s parents and my mum and dad divorced over 20 years ago so those losses didn’t affect her. It makes me sad that I don’t have a family unit anymore but I’d rather not have one than have to deal with this stuff, it’s absolutely draining.

In regards to her mental health, the only thing she has ever been diagnosed with is depression but I believe it’s much more than that - she would never admit 90% of her life to a professional. She has been on and off anti depressants for years and years, she decides she doesn’t need them anymore, comes off them and inevitably blows up at some point. None of her behavior has ever been slightly normal, it was horrific as a child but now she is extremely paranoid and suspicious of everyone, talks in such a negative/vile manner about both herself and everyone else, has extremely poor hygiene for both herself and her house (and believe me, I’m not a Mrs Hinch type but it’s really grim), blows up randomly and will give you disgusting abuse via text message at best (she used to smash the house up when I lived with her, I don’t know if she still does that) - she is just so unstable and so much of her behavior is weird and disturbing. I feel so sorry for her because I don’t remember her ever being happy, even was I was a child and I just think it’s such a waste of life. But at the same time she can be so vile and nasty and does absolutely nothing to ever help herself in any way, shape or form. She has had plenty of support from people (including me) over the years but she would never remember the 100 times you helped her, only the one time you didn’t/couldn’t.

I won’t even go in to detail about my childhood because it’s just not a box I can mentally open just now. She should never have had children and the one good thing to come out of it is that I know I will never be that kind of mother to my son.

I spoke to DS afterwards about how that kind of behavior isn’t okay etc. I debated telling him she is unwell but I didn’t. I didn’t really know what to say tbh. He understands but I think he was just so confused, he said he tried to convince her to keep the presents which breaks my heart - I won’t allow her to be alone with him again. She has called him directly four times today to talk about the football - she has never called him before, doesn’t follow football and doesn’t like football. She also told him he can go to hers to watch any/all games as she knows we don’t have the channels. It’s very her, she loves to have something over you, something she can manipulate you with. He won’t be going, for DS’s sake and my mental health, we will 100% be taking a massive step back and I will be looking into therapy because my absolute worst fear in the world is to end up being like her.

I should also add that she seemed to love all of the Christmas presents I got her. I don’t know if the issue is her mood at the time or the presents or what - I think I could spend the rest of my life trying to work it out. Regardless, this whole present thing is the tip of the iceberg, her toxicity spreads much much further than this and I need to accept that I can’t change her or help her anymore.

I’m so sorry for the long post and thank you so much to everyone who took the time to read and reply, it has made me feel much better and stronger.

Nothing constructive to add but just to say- you poor thing. You deserve so, so much better. I agree with the others- your mum must be very poorly to behave so badly- but this is not your problem. X

Oh, OP, she is emotionally abusing you.

Pressurising you to feel you must do nice things for her and then using your generosity as a tool with which to put you down, reject you and make you feel you have failed.

Sure you can stop giving her presents, but it isn’t about presents: she will find some other arena within which to flex her bitter power hungry manipulation.

It isn’t good for your poor Ds to witness this stuff, let alone be drawn into it as she did by asking for him to go down.

Can you go very low contact?

Have you had any counselling / therapy to help you address what happened when you were younger?

There may be some helpful books about surviving a toxic parent.

Whatever way forward you choose, please do not spend money you can ill afford on trying to make her happy.

It’s not you, it’s her. Stay strong.

Sorry OP, got interrupted so x posted with your last update.

You have clarity that will stand you in good stead.

It’s sad that she seems not to be happy, but you can’t change that, so don’t add to your psychological burden by trying.

Your Ds has a great Mum!

You sound like a wonderful mum and, indeed, a wonderful daughter to a woman who really does not deserve you. I don't really have anything helpful to add, as it has all been said.

Oh @Niffler29 she sounds really unwell and you will always feel responsible for her but you can keep a distance if that's what you have to do, does your brother see her Is he around for support.

Hugs to you OP, wear the socks and enjoy the chocolate.

Hi Op, your post is so positive. Just dropping back to say read into FOG - Fear Obligation Guilt and it may help you to work through some of this. Sounds as though there is a part of you that feels responsible for your mum's happiness- but you're not. Most parent/child relationships work the other way...

Sorry to hear that you've lost family recently. As someone with few relatives around I have found that family can be built from the people who give back what you put in. They don't need to be blood relatives. You put so much effort into making your mum's birthday special to cheer her up and all for nothing, put just a little of that sort of energy into your friendships and watch them grow