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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DM gave back birthday presents?

187 replies

Niffler29 · 08/01/2023 13:26

I’ll probably end up asking for this to be taken down as it’s a bit outing but I really need to get it off my chest.

I’ll start by saying my DM is not an easy person. I’d be here all day if I listed all of the issues but I had a pretty awful childhood and moved out at 16. I try to be understanding as she has MH issues and try to maintain a relationship with her but it can be difficult .

It was her birthday yesterday. I spent a lot of money on her for Christmas (nearly £300) as she doesn’t have any friends and barely any family so she wouldn’t have got much otherwise. In hindsight, I should have put some of the gifts away for her birthday as I am a bit short of cash now. She is working all weekend so I wasn’t able to take her anywhere for her birthday. I asked on numerous occasions if there was anything she wanted but she said no. I got her a few small gifts - hat and gloves that she had seen in a nice shop and repeatedly said she liked, socks as she said she didn’t have any at all (she has been wearing her trainers/boots without any socks for months), a couple of very non offensive candles and some of her favorite chocolates plus two cards, one from me and one from DS. I spent around £60 which left me with £10 after food shop etc till Tuesday.

It was very obvious from the second that she started opening them that she wasn’t happy. She didn’t say thank you and her face was like thunder. She later called me to say she doesn’t use candles anymore so she would give me them back - she has had candles on on at least 3 occasions in the past few weeks and can’t walk past a candle in a shop without smelling it but I said okay, no bother. I also reminded her that I’d given her gift receipts so she didn’t need to give them back, the shop they’re from sells tonnes of stuff not just candles.

She then calls me this morning to say she is outside my flat as she was passing and asked if I could send DS down as she had something for him. She didn’t want to come up. DS comes back up with ALL of the birthday gifts we gave her, even the chocolates. He was really confused (he’s 11) and said she didn’t want them. She then messaged me to say she doesn’t wear those type of socks (they were normal socks that everyone in the world wears), the hat and gloves don’t fit her (the fit me and they’re the same size) and she has too many chocolates (she complained at Christmas and New Year that she didn’t get any).

She had form for this and much worse behaviour when I was young. I vividly remember her throwing a present we had got her off pocket money (from grandparents) off a wall and then frog marching us to the shop in tears to return it when in primary school. I’ve had really bad anxiety since yesterday knowing something like this was coming. I reminded her that she had gift receipts and could exchange them but she said she didn’t shop in those shops. I just didn’t get into an argument with her about it and said okay, sorry you didn’t like them. I can’t even return half of it as she has taken the tags off. She didn’t get any other presents or cards.

It has made me feel unbelievably shit. I honestly would never do that to anyone, I’ve had some questionable gifts at times (from her too) and I am grateful for them, or at least pretend to be. She’s now gone totally silent and I’m just waiting for the blow up to happen, it always does when she’s in a bad mood. I honestly wonder what it must be like to have a normal mum and family.

OP posts:

DowntonCrabby · 08/01/2023 15:00

Lovely you are worth so much more than this. She’s an abusive cow whom doesn’t deserve the shit off your shoe!

Salome61 · 08/01/2023 15:00

So very sorry. My late Mum's Dad was difficult, and she spent forever knitting him a vest - after opening it he threw it into the open fire in front of her.

I'm sorry your Mum has mental health problems and this reaction seems to indicate she's going through a bad episode.

If your Mum gets in touch with further criticisms, tell her it's the thought that counts, and you did try to think of gifts that you thought would please her. Make sure she knows it was out of order to involve your DS.

UWhatNow · 08/01/2023 15:02

Why are you spending £300 for Christmas on a grown woman who has form for being an arse about presents? And then spending the bulk of your disposable income on more? That’s the batshit thing in this for me… have you ever really asked yourself why you are doing that? What approval you are seeking?

tsmainsqueeze · 08/01/2023 15:04

I am absolutely appalled reading this , it is not a reflection on you her behavior is unforgivable ,mental illness or not.
Please do not buy any replacements and return to shop what you can or keep for yourself, if this was my family member i would never buy them a gift ever again .
How disgraceful to involve your son too , i would be keeping my distance for the foreseeable future .
I am so sorry that she has hurt you like this , don't give her the option to do it again.

Duchess379 · 08/01/2023 15:06

This absolutely dreadful - what a horrid woman! Would you be prepared to go no contact? That's toxic behaviour, you DS must be wondering why nan has done this. Who doesn't want more candles - you can never have too many!

LeilaRose777 · 08/01/2023 15:08

Your mother is abusive. She is abusing you and your son. If you are conflicted about cutting her out of your life, just think of the the hurt she is causing your child, and the harm she caused you as a child.
I'm so sorry to read about how dreadful her behaviour has been over the years, and I think you're a bloody saint for putting up with her. But enlisting your son in her dramas is a step too far imo.
Whether she's mentally ill or not is irrelevant. It's obvious she won't seek help in any case.
I would severly limit the contact you and your family have with her, and possibly consider going "no contact" for a while?

SnitterBug · 08/01/2023 15:09

Time to get tough . No more gifts and take no more shitty behaviour from her . You're done

TellMeWhere · 08/01/2023 15:09

Fuck her. She gets nothing any more.

I'd be telling her as much and cutting contact. Your son doesn't need to be dragged into her toxicity. May she enjoy her sockless life.

SnitterBug · 08/01/2023 15:09

Movinghouseatlast · 08/01/2023 13:35

In the nicest possible way, stop trying to buy her love. It sounds like she doesn't have any to sell.

This . Stop trying to please . She knows it .

gamerchick · 08/01/2023 15:10

Time to come out of the FOG OP. It's freeing when you say no more and go NC.

When the blow up comes, hangup/leave or kick her out. Dont give it an audience at all. It's hard the first time but it gets easier the more boundaries you put in and definitely definitely no more gifts. A 20 quid amazon voucher if you must.

Im NC with my mother, long may it continue.

Aubriella · 08/01/2023 15:11

She clearly has issue with presents and seems to think her worth is based on the amount of presents you get her and the expense you go to. Do you have any insight as to why she is like this? Is she entitled in any other ways?

She seems to have been expecting you to spend another £300 or even more.

I have family members like this and I can tell you categorically that these kind of people will never change. You will find yourself giving more and more each year and yet it will never be enough.

The only way to do this is to break the cycle and tell her that it’s time to stop present exchange. So she gets no more birthday, Christmas or Mother’s Day presents and she doesn’t have to give presents to you or the kids.

Text her now so that you can use this opportunity to break the cycle.

Out of interest, what (if anything) does she get you?

gamerchick · 08/01/2023 15:11

And if you find yourself weakening, remind yourself that she's dragged your CHILD into this shit. It needs to stop, now.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 08/01/2023 15:12

No friends and barely any family. I wonder why?

Step back OP, what's in this relationship for you. If she kicks off at you, hang up on her, shut the door in the face. Protect yourself.

LIZS · 08/01/2023 15:12

£300+ She is not a child but is behaving like spoilt one. Unless she has mh issues going on she deserves no attention for her odd and ungrateful behaviour. Quietly detach.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 08/01/2023 15:14

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 08/01/2023 13:34

It's also fairly apparent why she doesn't have any other family or friends, if this is how she treats people. That's entirely her doing and you need not feel guilty about that.

Exactly.

Protect yourself.

SequinsandStilettos · 08/01/2023 15:15

LC or NC. Cards only in future.
If she asks why or sulks, tell her she knows full well why.
Use the gifts yourself or regift. They all sound lovely/regiftable.
Spending £360 in total when you are short yourself is ridiculous.
She owes you an apology.
Sadly, I am not sure you will get one.

Whyisitsososohard · 08/01/2023 15:15

Oh hun this is so sad. You're obviously really trying to have a normal relationship and for whatever reason she can't do that. I think it's worth reflecting on hi much of a relationship you can have with her going forward. If she will repeatedly hurt you like this why do you maintain contact? I know it's hard. I have a difficult relationship with my parents and it's not simple to cut them off. But you need to look after tour own wellbeing and that if your children.

Have you looked at the stately homes threads?

Rollingaroundinmud · 08/01/2023 15:17

Your mother is not a people person she doesn't like people or even her own children. You have to back off and leave her alone don't answer her calls or messages give her what she wants and that is to be alone. You have to put your child first not someone who dislikes you. It's not easy to hear that your parent should care and love you but it will never happen you are damaging yourself and your son. Leave her alone.

mcmooberry · 08/01/2023 15:18

Oh God you poor thing she sounds AWFUL! Pretend she's not related to you and you heard this tale from a friend and do what you would advise them to do.
You sound like a lovely daughter and don't deserve this. Try and rise above it, don't feel anxious, laugh about it, she is ridiculous! xxx

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 08/01/2023 15:19

She returned all the presents... proving perhaps that there was nothing you could have bought her that she would have accepted.

She wanted to hurt you.

Of course, you are not under any obligation to give her a present again.
If you do want to - I suggest a donation to a charity in her name.

You do sound very distressed by all this. Please look after yourself.
Love her if you can't help it - but protect yourself and your children from her. Don't trust her.

Teatime55 · 08/01/2023 15:21

Let me guess . Does she spend a lot of time on her own stewing about things?
DH also was massively generous to MIL to try and make Christmas special etc. generally it just seemed to piss her off and she never used/wore anything bought for her.
If she likes something she would be annoyed, if she hated it she would be furious.

M&S voucher and that’s it. Say, I got it all wrong last time so I thought I would let you chose the right things.

RambamThankyouMam · 08/01/2023 15:22

You can't just ask for threads to be taken down.

NewHopeNow · 08/01/2023 15:23

You don't have to see her, you know. You might think you do, fear, obligation, guilt and all that. But you don't have to have this in your life. It's not good for you or your child.

NotMyDayJob · 08/01/2023 15:23

You're still that little girl at primary school trying to buy her love, affection and approval and nothing you buy/do will be good enough as she has already decided she will be dissatisfied with everything. She enjoys being a narcissistic cunt more than she enjoys your love and affection.

She will not change, she is no different then she has ever been. You should seriously think about what roll she plays in your, and your son's life.

And just because she has mental health issues doesn't mean you have to put up with everything she throws at you.

diddl · 08/01/2023 15:24

I vividly remember her throwing a present we had got her off pocket money (from grandparents) off a wall and then frog marching us to the shop in tears to return it when in primary school.

I think the fact that you have ever bothered with present buying for her as an adult shows how she has messed with you.

Perhaps the fear of her reaction should you get her nothing is worse?

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