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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM gave back birthday presents?

187 replies

Niffler29 · 08/01/2023 13:26

I’ll probably end up asking for this to be taken down as it’s a bit outing but I really need to get it off my chest.

I’ll start by saying my DM is not an easy person. I’d be here all day if I listed all of the issues but I had a pretty awful childhood and moved out at 16. I try to be understanding as she has MH issues and try to maintain a relationship with her but it can be difficult .

It was her birthday yesterday. I spent a lot of money on her for Christmas (nearly £300) as she doesn’t have any friends and barely any family so she wouldn’t have got much otherwise. In hindsight, I should have put some of the gifts away for her birthday as I am a bit short of cash now. She is working all weekend so I wasn’t able to take her anywhere for her birthday. I asked on numerous occasions if there was anything she wanted but she said no. I got her a few small gifts - hat and gloves that she had seen in a nice shop and repeatedly said she liked, socks as she said she didn’t have any at all (she has been wearing her trainers/boots without any socks for months), a couple of very non offensive candles and some of her favorite chocolates plus two cards, one from me and one from DS. I spent around £60 which left me with £10 after food shop etc till Tuesday.

It was very obvious from the second that she started opening them that she wasn’t happy. She didn’t say thank you and her face was like thunder. She later called me to say she doesn’t use candles anymore so she would give me them back - she has had candles on on at least 3 occasions in the past few weeks and can’t walk past a candle in a shop without smelling it but I said okay, no bother. I also reminded her that I’d given her gift receipts so she didn’t need to give them back, the shop they’re from sells tonnes of stuff not just candles.

She then calls me this morning to say she is outside my flat as she was passing and asked if I could send DS down as she had something for him. She didn’t want to come up. DS comes back up with ALL of the birthday gifts we gave her, even the chocolates. He was really confused (he’s 11) and said she didn’t want them. She then messaged me to say she doesn’t wear those type of socks (they were normal socks that everyone in the world wears), the hat and gloves don’t fit her (the fit me and they’re the same size) and she has too many chocolates (she complained at Christmas and New Year that she didn’t get any).

She had form for this and much worse behaviour when I was young. I vividly remember her throwing a present we had got her off pocket money (from grandparents) off a wall and then frog marching us to the shop in tears to return it when in primary school. I’ve had really bad anxiety since yesterday knowing something like this was coming. I reminded her that she had gift receipts and could exchange them but she said she didn’t shop in those shops. I just didn’t get into an argument with her about it and said okay, sorry you didn’t like them. I can’t even return half of it as she has taken the tags off. She didn’t get any other presents or cards.

It has made me feel unbelievably shit. I honestly would never do that to anyone, I’ve had some questionable gifts at times (from her too) and I am grateful for them, or at least pretend to be. She’s now gone totally silent and I’m just waiting for the blow up to happen, it always does when she’s in a bad mood. I honestly wonder what it must be like to have a normal mum and family.

OP posts:
Toddlerteaplease · 08/01/2023 13:50

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 08/01/2023 13:30

Honestly, don't buy this awful woman a single present again for the rest of her life.

This with bells on.

Dodecaheidyin · 08/01/2023 13:51

I try to be understanding as she has MH issues and try to maintain a relationship with her but it can be difficult .

You know you don't have to put yourself through that?

It has made me feel unbelievably shit.

She has made you feel unbelievably shit. Intentionally.

Really, OP, I know it's easy for us to say, but please do consider removing her from your life. She's using your DS in her crappy mind games - if you can't do it for yourself, do it for him.

Flowers
Herejustforthisone · 08/01/2023 13:53

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 08/01/2023 13:30

Honestly, don't buy this awful woman a single present again for the rest of her life.

Exactly this. She’s a fucking nasty cunt and your best option is to go NC.

Climbles · 08/01/2023 13:55

Lots of people have MH issues and they don’t pull thins type of manipulative tantrum. If it was completely out of character then maybe but she has lots and lots of form for this. You need to go low contact or no contact for your MH and your DS’s. He’s being pulled into her shit now too.

StrawberryWater · 08/01/2023 13:55

Don’t buy her any more gifts and go NC.

She sounds like an awful woman and incredibly nasty.

WingingItSince1973 · 08/01/2023 13:55

Oh my goodness. I am so sorry you have been treated absolutely appalling. You're childhood story also made me feel so very sad for you thinking of how distraught and confused you must have been. I too have similar mother but I'm so sad for you and your kids. I wouldn't ever bother with her again to be honest. Keep your distance. She's not good for your mental health. There's a good board on here that I posted on the other day but for the life of me can't remember the name 😂😂😂 I think it's called Stately Homes (honestly my brain is bad today). Please don't think you did anything wrong. Even if my kids have me a rock I would cherish it xxx

barbrahunter · 08/01/2023 13:55

oh love. I agree with the others, don't bother yourself to get her anything again.

WingingItSince1973 · 08/01/2023 13:56

Ugh sorry for spelling mistakes I said my brain wasn't working today xxx sending you lots of love Xx

Pansypotter123 · 08/01/2023 13:57

You have to reduce contact with her and stop buying her those lovely gifts which she clearly does not appreciate (for whatever reason).

She was toxic while you were growing up, she continues so to be, and, what is worse in my opinion, she is now starting on your son - sucking him into her destructive dynamic.

He and you deserve better. Just because she is your mother does not mean she is nice; not does it mean you have to tolerate such nasty behaviour.

FromTheFront2theBack · 08/01/2023 13:59

Bloody hell OP. She sounds like she has some kind of personality disorder as opposed to some kind of acute mental health issue. It's unlikely she'll ever change. I would go low or no contact and give her no ammunition to hurt you with. Buy her no gifts or only small bits that you can return. When she has a tantrum go grey rock. Expect any interactions with her to be negative and don't give her any of yourself emotionally. Don't feel guilty if you decide to cut off contact with her.

Choconut · 08/01/2023 14:00

You've grown up to learn to walk on egg shells around her and pander to her unreasonableness This was clear when she said she doesn't use candles when you know full well she does and instead of pointing it out to her you just said 'ok no bother'.

You need to stop pandering, stop walking on eggshells and stop letting her behave like this. You also need to take a big step back from her - this is now affecting your DS who shouldn't be seeing this as normal behaviour that everyone just accepts.

Dita73 · 08/01/2023 14:02

She’s an awkward old cow. You’ve done absolute nothing wrong so don’t feel bad. In future don’t bother. She sounds like a right nasty piece of work

Thoughtful2355 · 08/01/2023 14:04

Okay im going to be honest, The giving back of presents is shitty in itself BUT i wouldnt be able to forgive her for the fact that she didnt just keep this between 2 aadults, she dragged your child into it! You dont do that to an 11 year old, especially because WHAT IF your child had got some of that for her? how hurt would that child be!

Its also being a really bad role model, its rude. if she didnt like them she should have just said thank you and acted like she did and then passed them onto someone else/charity shop.

I would never be buying her a gift again and from now on i would tell her so, " im sorry due to last year i dont think we should give gifts anymore"

woodhill · 08/01/2023 14:05

I wouldn't buy her anything especially if it's leaving you short

My dm loves whatever I buy her and it's more like the £25-£30 mark

FictionalCharacter · 08/01/2023 14:05

This isn’t about the presents and how suitable they were or weren’t. It’s about her need to entertain herself by messing you around and hurting you. It sounds like she’s always been like this. Mental illness doesn’t cause someone to do this.

I agree with a pp that using your son as a pawn in her campaign of narcissistic abuse is crossing a line. You can protect him from this by going no or low contact. Your son will understand even though he’s young. He isn’t benefiting from contact with her and children can see when someone’s behaviour is very wrong, even if they are too young to explain how they know.

Whatever you do and whatever you buy, she won’t be happy with it. You know that. Why subject yourself to any more of her abuse? Don’t buy her anything else. You can’t buy her love. If you get her nothing she might well scream at you, but you can choose not to listen. She’ll be just as awful if you do get her something. You will have to be strong and I know that’s hard, but you can be free of this.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 08/01/2023 14:06

Sounds like a family member of mine.

One of the family brought her something and spent a lot of time on researching etc and this is something they asked for.
Cue them receiving it and saying they had no need for it, what a waste of money and was sold on FB marketplace the same day! Shock

We then gave them our gifts. Same problem.

Now we all buy them nothing. Get the same whinging but at least we're not wasting our money anymore.

LadyOfTheFliessssss · 08/01/2023 14:07

Oh bless you. I have a similar background, left home at 15.

I did have a relationship with my mum, but she did something truly horrendous last year and I've now gone NC. It is upsetting because I just wish she'd act like she cared, but a lifetime has shown me it isn't going to happen unless I'm prepared to be treated badly by her. This is really awful, particularly involving a young child in her tantrum.

I'm sorry. It sucks.

🌺🌺

Quinoawoman · 08/01/2023 14:09

I'm really sorry this happened to you. It is 100% her, nothing to do with you. You sound like a fantastic, caring daughter.

Jellycats4life · 08/01/2023 14:11

I’m really sorry she can never be a normal Mum to you, the kind of mother you always wish you had. I can feel how desperate you are for her love and approval. None of this is your fault. But for your future peace of mind, I think you need to stop buying her such lavish presents, especially if it leaves you short on money for yourself and your son. Quietly disengage and completely lower your expectations of her going forward. She will never change. Maybe consider some counselling too.

Pliudev · 08/01/2023 14:12

I'm sorry but I voted that you were being unreasonable simply because this person does not deserve your generosity. Perhaps I shouldn't have done that, but it sounds as if you have put up with a lot of unkindness and you need to protect yourself (and your DS) from now on. The amount you spent on your M at Christmas is excessive and makes me think you are trying to earn her love and attention while knowing that's unlikely. Have you discussed this with other members of the family? It sounds as if they have decided not to be involved and maybe that's why you feel so responsible. I would step back, limit contact and certainly reduce any gifts to tokens in future. She is ill and that is not her fault but it's not yours either and you need to look after yourself and your DS by not giving her the opportunity to cause either of you distress in future.

2023newyear · 08/01/2023 14:12

You are not alone. I could have written this. I left home at 16 too.

It hurts.

If you want to message me so you don't feel so alone, you are more than welcome.

I also think the "We took you to stately home" thread is a place you will find others like us and is a safe and supportive place.

ShakespearesBlister · 08/01/2023 14:12

So sorry this is your relationship with your mum my lovely. It's so sad but you know none of this is your fault. Don't upset yourself over it though, you know you did it all in good faith. Don't buy her gifts in future and just let her moan about how nobody buys her anything. See if you can get a bit of money back selling them on eBay or Marketplace, at worst a charity shop would easily sell them.

Squiblet · 08/01/2023 14:14

How awful, sorry you went through that OP 💐

Sounds like she is trying to punish you for some perceived misdemeanour, although I feel sure you did nothing actually wrong. This is just her way of reminding you that she's in charge, you're the child and you WILL be kept in line. Pure power play .

Now that she has deprived herself of every single present, she can wallow in martyrdom and self pity, as well as justifying satisfactorily to herself why you deserve to be treated badly : what an awful daughter she is, she didn't even give me a single present!

It's revolting and I hope you manage to put some clear water between yourself and her (perhaps an ocean), and get some good therapy.

Beeinalily · 08/01/2023 14:15

Next occasion save the money and take DS for a lovely day out for you both. If you really feel you have to, stick a tenner in a card for her. If she gives THAT back, buy yourself a bunch of flowers 💐 MH issues are not a good enough excuse for her behaviour.

KTheGrey · 08/01/2023 14:17

Your DM is indeed not easy. She puts enough effort in to make sure she's fully impossible.

You can't change her, but if you refuse to let her bully you - no gifts, no seeing your son alone, minimal contact - you would have about £340 more to spend on yourself and your son. That's half a holiday.

Take care of yourself and your DC.