DM gave back birthday presents?

[Niffler29]

I’ll probably end up asking for this to be taken down as it’s a bit outing but I really need to get it off my chest.

I’ll start by saying my DM is not an easy person. I’d be here all day if I listed all of the issues but I had a pretty awful childhood and moved out at 16. I try to be understanding as she has MH issues and try to maintain a relationship with her but it can be difficult .

It was her birthday yesterday. I spent a lot of money on her for Christmas (nearly £300) as she doesn’t have any friends and barely any family so she wouldn’t have got much otherwise. In hindsight, I should have put some of the gifts away for her birthday as I am a bit short of cash now. She is working all weekend so I wasn’t able to take her anywhere for her birthday. I asked on numerous occasions if there was anything she wanted but she said no. I got her a few small gifts - hat and gloves that she had seen in a nice shop and repeatedly said she liked, socks as she said she didn’t have any at all (she has been wearing her trainers/boots without any socks for months), a couple of very non offensive candles and some of her favorite chocolates plus two cards, one from me and one from DS. I spent around £60 which left me with £10 after food shop etc till Tuesday.

It was very obvious from the second that she started opening them that she wasn’t happy. She didn’t say thank you and her face was like thunder. She later called me to say she doesn’t use candles anymore so she would give me them back - she has had candles on on at least 3 occasions in the past few weeks and can’t walk past a candle in a shop without smelling it but I said okay, no bother. I also reminded her that I’d given her gift receipts so she didn’t need to give them back, the shop they’re from sells tonnes of stuff not just candles.

She then calls me this morning to say she is outside my flat as she was passing and asked if I could send DS down as she had something for him. She didn’t want to come up. DS comes back up with ALL of the birthday gifts we gave her, even the chocolates. He was really confused (he’s 11) and said she didn’t want them. She then messaged me to say she doesn’t wear those type of socks (they were normal socks that everyone in the world wears), the hat and gloves don’t fit her (the fit me and they’re the same size) and she has too many chocolates (she complained at Christmas and New Year that she didn’t get any).

She had form for this and much worse behaviour when I was young. I vividly remember her throwing a present we had got her off pocket money (from grandparents) off a wall and then frog marching us to the shop in tears to return it when in primary school. I’ve had really bad anxiety since yesterday knowing something like this was coming. I reminded her that she had gift receipts and could exchange them but she said she didn’t shop in those shops. I just didn’t get into an argument with her about it and said okay, sorry you didn’t like them. I can’t even return half of it as she has taken the tags off. She didn’t get any other presents or cards.

It has made me feel unbelievably shit. I honestly would never do that to anyone, I’ve had some questionable gifts at times (from her too) and I am grateful for them, or at least pretend to be. She’s now gone totally silent and I’m just waiting for the blow up to happen, it always does when she’s in a bad mood. I honestly wonder what it must be like to have a normal mum and family.

Sorry you have had to go through this. She sounds like a narcissistic personality to me, making you feel as though you've done something wrong, seeing attention, giving you the cold shoulder etc. that behaviour is so toxic.

Can I ask do you stay in contact because you feel guilt she has no one else? My MIL is toxic and my husband keeps the relationship because of guilt.

Such a sad situation, you sound so thoughtful

Wish I could give you a big hug. So sorry you have to deal with this.

stop trying to buy her love. It sounds like she doesn't have any to sell.

Yep. And it sounds as though you need to protect your DS from her.

Can you afford counselling? It think you need someone to help you with strategies to protect yourself and your own family from her.

I love this response.
Exactly this.

Being mentally ill doesn't make you a cunt. She just sounds like a manipulative cunt. No more presents for her, OP.

The fact that she involved your son is so mean and unnecessary.

Don't play into her BS. She is ungrateful and rude. Next year if you do anything at all for her birthday, just send a card with a gift certificate and she can get what she wants. Don't be her victim.

“I honestly wonder what it must be like to have a normal mum and family”

This is the crux of the problem.

Until you can accept that your mum WILL NEVER be who you want her to be, you will keep on giving her endless opportunities to upset and disappoint you.

The fact that she’s including your son in her weird behaviours really ought to wake you up to stopping all contact with her in order to protect him. Having no Granny is infinitely preferable to having one that deliberately treats you badly. You need to stop this cycle of abuse by not allowing her access to your son.

She’s a grown adult and it’s not your job to look after her. Her mental health problems are hers alone. She is 100% responsible for her behaviour.

Whatever she might say to you, stop feeling guilty about it because you didn’t cause her problems and you can’t fix her, no matter how hard you try.

Let 2023 be the year you free yourself from this woman.

I say this with love, OP, because you've clearly been through a lot, but WHY are you allowing your own child to grow up witnessing you being treated like this?

You are putting your mother before your child by putting up with her shit, knowing how hurtful it was to you and how it has cause you emotional damage. If you don't want your child to be the next generation negatively affected by her bullshit, for God's sake distance yourself from her.

She is taking her shit out on you because nobody else will put up with it. That does NOT mean you have to put up with it either!! Clearly you feel a 'need' to spoil/pander to her, as she has nobody else, but you are putting that need ahead of your own AND your child's needs.

My advice would be, see a therapist and go very LC with her for the foreseeable. Her problems are HER problems, OP. NOTHING you could ever do would fix them for her.

I'm so sorry you and your son are dealing with this. My mother returned a gift once its an awful feeling to have. Its humiliating and confusing.

In future just do flowers and a card. Nothing more. At Christmas decide on a small spending limit of approximately £30 of things you don't care about returning to the shop, ie consumables/things you would use.

You can. Whether MN Admins will actually remove a thread "just because" is another matter and I believe I saw a thread on it somewhere...There is absolutely no guarantee that MN Admins will remove or hide a thread but they do remove threads...you just have to read the reasons that the Admins put as to why a thread goes poof!

She doesn’t deserve you.

You sound like a thoughtful, considerate person. Take those lovely character traits and use them to bring up your son with love and affection. Forget about your mother because she will not appreciate you, ever.

Go find the Stately Homes thread on the Relationships board. You are not alone. This is depressingly common. But you are an adult now and you can choose how you want to live your life.

Look forwards, not back.

She sounds just like my MIL. It's hard to watch DP struggle with similar behaviour. I agree just stop buying her anything. Maybe give her a wid entity for a while and give yourself a break.

I had a (former) friend like this and I’m so fucking glad to be shot of her! Every birthday the atmosphere was electric as she unwrapped and dramatically paused before delivering her verdict 🙄 In tears one year because her DH got her tickets to see Rita Ora (she likes pop music, RO was at her height at the time)

I don’t get it. How she could make gifts into apparent insults. It’s a gift! And when giving gifts to me she’d reprimand me ‘I didn’t have any choice but to get that because you only ever wear blue’ (I didn’t). Or a beginners craft set for a craft I sell professionally. I accepted both with enthusiasm of course!

Bring back whatever you can. Enjoy the rest yourself or donate it if you don't want it in the house as a reminder of her erratic and hostile behaviour.

Distance yourself from her. If you think she isn't looking after herself (no socks for weeks) or is having some sort of psychotic episode (denial of things you heard and saw) call adult social services.

Send a card next year.

It's not your job to make her happy.

For your own wellbeing, release yourself from this toxic connection.

My mum was like this. I stopped getting her anything. Was easier.

Sorry op I should have added- now I’ve stepped away from my similar situation I’m amazed that I ever put up with it, and how others enable this at best rude, but really bullying behaviour. It’s utterly bizarre. I agree with others- get out of her orbit a bit as this is just not normal behaviour

Ouch. What an unpleasant woman your mother is. Eat the chocolates, light the candles, wear the socks, hat and scarf and NEVER buy her anything again. She's pathetic.

I had a Co worker like this. Christmas morning was all about her, and not the children. Her dh would be up to 90 waiting for her responses to his gifts. (I know this because she enjoyed telling me this)

Even the children would be all excited to see what surprise Daddy got Mummy this year.

She had no problem handing them back
If they didn't cut the mustard.

Yes she was a giant narcissist.

You deserve better

I feel for you. I had the same with my mum. She could be very difficult and I would really put every effort into finding gifts she would like. I would buy things very similar to what she already had/used because I reckoned she must like them. I researched things and checked the material content, I even had some items altered so they were more like things she used daily. But no. She would open them and immediately say she didn’t like them and to take them back. She would do the same to my children, who were always crestfallen at her reaction. If anyone else was present it wouldn’t matter and it could be very embarrassing.
After years of this I decided to not put as much effort in, as it was wasted. So I still bought nice things but didn’t waste my time really thinking about them, I kept all the receipts and just kept the attitude that she wouldn’t like whatever it was. When she gave me them back I just got a refund and that was it, I never offered an alternative.
I won’t say to you don’t buy her anything anymore because I know how hard that is, just buy a few token things, say to yourself she is ungrateful and leave it at that. I told my mum she was very ungrateful but it was like water off a duck’s back. She also had mental health problems and I do think that had something to do with the attitude, not trying to make excuses for poor behaviour but it may help you and your own feelings.

I would never buy her another gift. My mum is abusive to so you my sympathy. She is doing it to hurt you and your child is my bet.

I would use the money you save on buying her presents and invest in some therapy, because that kind of behaviour from a mother is very hard to get over.

If she should happen to have a bad relationship with alcohol or drugs, maybe Al Anon could help and that is free group therapy.

I consider myself lucky if I get one or two presents on my birthday or Christmas and I don't feel like I need them either.

You need to protect your son (and any other children you have). You can’t change the damage she did to you but you can protect them from it. He will be upset with the rejection and confused.

If you need strength to reduce contact with her, remember you are protecting your child(ren).

She’s now gone totally silent and I’m just waiting for the blow up to happen, it always does when she’s in a bad mood.

My Nan had a saying for this. "Let her stew in her own juices."

Don't give in and call her. Just leave her to it.

I understand it is upsetting but she sounds bonkers and has now upset your son. Time to go NC.