DM gave back birthday presents?

[Niffler29]

I’ll probably end up asking for this to be taken down as it’s a bit outing but I really need to get it off my chest.

I’ll start by saying my DM is not an easy person. I’d be here all day if I listed all of the issues but I had a pretty awful childhood and moved out at 16. I try to be understanding as she has MH issues and try to maintain a relationship with her but it can be difficult .

It was her birthday yesterday. I spent a lot of money on her for Christmas (nearly £300) as she doesn’t have any friends and barely any family so she wouldn’t have got much otherwise. In hindsight, I should have put some of the gifts away for her birthday as I am a bit short of cash now. She is working all weekend so I wasn’t able to take her anywhere for her birthday. I asked on numerous occasions if there was anything she wanted but she said no. I got her a few small gifts - hat and gloves that she had seen in a nice shop and repeatedly said she liked, socks as she said she didn’t have any at all (she has been wearing her trainers/boots without any socks for months), a couple of very non offensive candles and some of her favorite chocolates plus two cards, one from me and one from DS. I spent around £60 which left me with £10 after food shop etc till Tuesday.

It was very obvious from the second that she started opening them that she wasn’t happy. She didn’t say thank you and her face was like thunder. She later called me to say she doesn’t use candles anymore so she would give me them back - she has had candles on on at least 3 occasions in the past few weeks and can’t walk past a candle in a shop without smelling it but I said okay, no bother. I also reminded her that I’d given her gift receipts so she didn’t need to give them back, the shop they’re from sells tonnes of stuff not just candles.

She then calls me this morning to say she is outside my flat as she was passing and asked if I could send DS down as she had something for him. She didn’t want to come up. DS comes back up with ALL of the birthday gifts we gave her, even the chocolates. He was really confused (he’s 11) and said she didn’t want them. She then messaged me to say she doesn’t wear those type of socks (they were normal socks that everyone in the world wears), the hat and gloves don’t fit her (the fit me and they’re the same size) and she has too many chocolates (she complained at Christmas and New Year that she didn’t get any).

She had form for this and much worse behaviour when I was young. I vividly remember her throwing a present we had got her off pocket money (from grandparents) off a wall and then frog marching us to the shop in tears to return it when in primary school. I’ve had really bad anxiety since yesterday knowing something like this was coming. I reminded her that she had gift receipts and could exchange them but she said she didn’t shop in those shops. I just didn’t get into an argument with her about it and said okay, sorry you didn’t like them. I can’t even return half of it as she has taken the tags off. She didn’t get any other presents or cards.

It has made me feel unbelievably shit. I honestly would never do that to anyone, I’ve had some questionable gifts at times (from her too) and I am grateful for them, or at least pretend to be. She’s now gone totally silent and I’m just waiting for the blow up to happen, it always does when she’s in a bad mood. I honestly wonder what it must be like to have a normal mum and family.

My Mum died when I was 50 and I never managed to give her a gift she liked, not for want of trying.
I wish I had just stopped trying. That awful shame and guilt that you have failed them, when you really haven’t is gut churning.
But If I was you right now, I would text her and say that Ds was a little upset that you’d returned the gifts, but that I had explained to him that you must have guessed that we couldn’t really afford them and wanted us to have the money instead. And how grateful I am for her thoughtfulness. It might even be true !
she certainly won’t be able to explain her behaviour in any other logical way!

What a horrible selfish woman . The obvious answer is next year send a card and be done with it .

So sorry this has happened to you and your son. It is horrible behaviour from her.
Don't contact her, and as others have said return the presents you can and buy yourself something lovely. Watch a film with your son and enjoy those chocolates.
We can't change people and all we can do is change our reaction to their awful bullshit. It is sad though and I hope you are OK

She is very cruel to do this to you and your DS.
You will never be able to please her.
But she demands you keep trying to do so. You are caught in a loop.
She won’t break the cycle as she feeds off it. she feeds off hurting you.
So you must break the cycle. Stop trying to please her. Just stop. Find the courage to stop trying. You can never make her feel better. it’s crazy to keep suffering the consequences from trying to please her.
Do it for yourself and do it for your son. Protect him from being subject to witnessing this sort of twisted abusive example of abnormal behaviour from his own grandmother.
Remove yourself and your DS from her reach until she is over this awful episode no matter how angry it makes her and no matter how sad and guilty it makes you.
Remember: You are kind but she is cruel and it’s not good for your son to witness your hurt from her actions. It hurts and confuses him too. He’s powerless to make it stop if you don’t stop trying to please her. Let him learn from your good example that this must stop now.
If necessary tell her you don’t want this nasty version of her in your lives until she feels better and acts properly, so for the foreseeable, you are giving her space. good luck !

She either has mental health issues or is just plain nasty, OP. So either mad or bad.
Whichever it is, stop trying and give yourself a rest from all the turmoil and stress. If the reason for her bizarre and horrible behaviour is that she is mentally ill, then facilitate her getting help, but keep your distance in your own best interests. You need to do that to survive psychologically. No one needs this kind of crap in their life, and she has no right to impose it on you, so don't let her do this to you.

That is unbearable to have grown up with a mum like that, I'm so sorry. She sounds like her mental health is suffering at the moment because that is a terrible thing to do to you. Does she ever feel remorse when it sinks in for her that she has behaved badly towards you ?

I agree that you need to distance yourself in order to protect yourself from her behaviour.

Where would I find the Stately Homes threads? My Mother is very similar. Where would I find them in talk? Thank you

@Niffler29
OP, you sound like a lovely person, i wish you lived next door to me. Where do you get your lovely manners, patience and caring nature from, as it certainly isn't your DM? I was NC with my DM, a similar childhood, and there has to come a point where you put yourself first for a change. You stated your anxiety levels are high since this latest incident, as as you have gone out of your way, sacrificially, to buy special gifts for your DM which she has thrown aside with contempt, I would go NC. Please get on with your own life and be happy knowing that you really tried with her.

You have clearly tried hard at Christmas and with her birthday. What you have bought her all sounds very thoughtful regardless of the costing. She sounds very grateful and bitter. You have a son, so from now on just get a low cost gift card if you are adamant about getting her a Christmas or birthday gift and spend everything else on your son and yourself. There are things within your control that you can change and worry about. The things and people in your control that you can’t change try not to worry about. Ignore her. That s what I would do after this appalling behaviour.

It’s on the Relationships board and is called “but we took you to Stately Homes”
It’s been an active thread for years and has many pages .
Safe place for those with narcissistic/ emotionally abusive/ withholding parents (title refers to parents offended when accused of being emotionally abusive because they provided all the material things)

I'm so sorry, how horribly hurtful. 😥I just wanted to say I think you sound like a lovely person OP. Maybe see if there are any charities you can support next year instead? There will be people out there who would be immensely grateful for even one present at Christmas.

Never buy her anything again.

Go low contact.

If that improves your life considerably, consider going no contact.

You don't have to put up with this shit. You really don't.

@Biscuitsneeded

Brilliant post ! what a good idea to give a donation to the NSPCC for abused children instead, I'm ashamed I didn't think of it.

People with mental health issues can usually still make choices. Your mother definitely made a choice to take out her anger at her lonely situation on you - the only person still trying to help her. As this isn't a one off I think you need to go no contact for a while. Whatever you do it won't be good enough so you may as well please yourself. I would never buy her another thing ever again. I'm so sorry OP. What a shit excuse for a mother you have.

The expression is "Oh dear, I always seem to get it wrong so I think it's best if we just leave it now"
Then no more. Focus on your son.

How does a working functioning person not own one single sock?

So sorry you’re going through this. I also had a very difficult childhood and after years of horrible behaviour from my mum I am now NC with my family. I am very lucky to have a loving husband, 2 children and a great IL family but I often long for and wonder what it would be like to have a normal family. No real advice other than that therapy has been really useful for me if you can access that and to say that this is not a reflection on you xx

My mother did something similar when I was about 11. I went shopping with my stepfather (he was 23, about 14 years younger than my mother).

I remember we went to Debenhams and spent ages choosing a dressing gown for her. We eventually chose one and all I can remember about now, was that it was purple.

Reader, she DID NOT LIKE it. She threw an absolute tantrum about how could we give her something so awful. As I said, I was 11 and my stepdad was only 23. She took it as a personal insult.

I also remember when I was even younger, my siblings and I had bought her a fancy tea(cakes, biscuits) for Mother’s Day. We siblings started bickering about the sharing out, so she tipped the whole table up, food hit the floor and she was throwing things at us as we ran out the door.

It seems easy to say don’t buy her anything in future, but it’s not that simple.

By the time I was in my thirties I had got into the habit of buying her something nice but simple (plain black jumper) from M&S and giving her the receipt. When she let me know that that wasn’t right, I just gave her a cheque for every birthday and Christmas until she died.

Terrible attitude. So sorry for you op. Buy nothing going forward.

Op, big hugs to you.

You haven't done anything wrong.

I'd take all the gifts back so you have more money for food, completely ignore your mother, and think about counselling so you can come to teens with how your mum has treated you over the years. She's abusive and manipulative.

And never ever get her a gift again.

💐

Oh you poor thing. You sound really lovely and thoughtful and I’m so sorry your own mother makes you feel so bad. I do feel you’ve rather skipped over the fact that your mum has mental health problems though. Do you understand exactly what those problems are? Has she had a solid diagnosis? Does she get help? I just feel that maybe if you understood her a bit more, you would hopefully not take her awful behaviour quite so personally, and also accept that however hard you try will make no difference and so, for your own sake, don’t even bother making so much effort to please her in future.

I think what she really wants and values is your insecurity ... having you on the back foot, and fretting over her.

That really is her business and her responsibility now. Not yours. For your own sake and that of your son, stop playing this game with her. Why are you still playing? You're enabling her. Are you codependent?

There are resources out there for people who struggle with that, and you really need them.

You need to model better boundaries for your DC's sake, and stop pretending that this is in any way acceptable behaviour.

Running short of money for you and your kid in order to overspend on Christmas presents is never a good look.

Doing it to overspend on someone who you know is going to reject you starts to look like self harm.

You’re not being unreasonable. However you do need to accept she is toxic and won’t change and you need to stop trying and take responsibility for protecting yourself from her shithousery x