DM gave back birthday presents?

[Niffler29]

I’ll probably end up asking for this to be taken down as it’s a bit outing but I really need to get it off my chest.

I’ll start by saying my DM is not an easy person. I’d be here all day if I listed all of the issues but I had a pretty awful childhood and moved out at 16. I try to be understanding as she has MH issues and try to maintain a relationship with her but it can be difficult .

It was her birthday yesterday. I spent a lot of money on her for Christmas (nearly £300) as she doesn’t have any friends and barely any family so she wouldn’t have got much otherwise. In hindsight, I should have put some of the gifts away for her birthday as I am a bit short of cash now. She is working all weekend so I wasn’t able to take her anywhere for her birthday. I asked on numerous occasions if there was anything she wanted but she said no. I got her a few small gifts - hat and gloves that she had seen in a nice shop and repeatedly said she liked, socks as she said she didn’t have any at all (she has been wearing her trainers/boots without any socks for months), a couple of very non offensive candles and some of her favorite chocolates plus two cards, one from me and one from DS. I spent around £60 which left me with £10 after food shop etc till Tuesday.

It was very obvious from the second that she started opening them that she wasn’t happy. She didn’t say thank you and her face was like thunder. She later called me to say she doesn’t use candles anymore so she would give me them back - she has had candles on on at least 3 occasions in the past few weeks and can’t walk past a candle in a shop without smelling it but I said okay, no bother. I also reminded her that I’d given her gift receipts so she didn’t need to give them back, the shop they’re from sells tonnes of stuff not just candles.

She then calls me this morning to say she is outside my flat as she was passing and asked if I could send DS down as she had something for him. She didn’t want to come up. DS comes back up with ALL of the birthday gifts we gave her, even the chocolates. He was really confused (he’s 11) and said she didn’t want them. She then messaged me to say she doesn’t wear those type of socks (they were normal socks that everyone in the world wears), the hat and gloves don’t fit her (the fit me and they’re the same size) and she has too many chocolates (she complained at Christmas and New Year that she didn’t get any).

She had form for this and much worse behaviour when I was young. I vividly remember her throwing a present we had got her off pocket money (from grandparents) off a wall and then frog marching us to the shop in tears to return it when in primary school. I’ve had really bad anxiety since yesterday knowing something like this was coming. I reminded her that she had gift receipts and could exchange them but she said she didn’t shop in those shops. I just didn’t get into an argument with her about it and said okay, sorry you didn’t like them. I can’t even return half of it as she has taken the tags off. She didn’t get any other presents or cards.

It has made me feel unbelievably shit. I honestly would never do that to anyone, I’ve had some questionable gifts at times (from her too) and I am grateful for them, or at least pretend to be. She’s now gone totally silent and I’m just waiting for the blow up to happen, it always does when she’s in a bad mood. I honestly wonder what it must be like to have a normal mum and family.

Doing it to overspend on someone who you know is going to reject you starts to look like self harm

I don't agree that it is starting to look like self harm. I think it shows someone who is desperately trying to get a normal reaction from her mum, and to know that her mum loves her, even though it's not working.

i totally get that gnawing feeling that you might just get it right this time. It is very hard to accept that you won’t because it isn’t about you. Even if you get the thing she most wants in the whole wide world, she will still reject it. Deep down, I expect she has deep seated issues because of her childhood. Maybe she has the view of herself as someone, who can never be satisfied or happy with what she has or is totally unloveable so giving the gift creates a cognitive dissonance she cannot stand. Rejecting the gifts would then reduce her anxiety and get her back to the congruent viewpoint of herself. But whatever it is, this is her stuff, not yours and much as it is terribly painful, unless she is a vindictive person, it isn’t designed to hurt you. It’s designed to hurt her.

This doesn’t mean you blithely accept it btw. You do whatever you have to do to protect yourself. You are on your path. She is on hers. The best thing you can do for yourself is to get some therapy to be able to put up some boundaries with her. It will probably take some time.

I was with a therapist about 4 years (tried a few before finding this person) and preferred 2 hour sessions every 2-3 weeks. I actually called my mother with her after a particularly upsetting experience and the therapist helped me to stay calm and centred. Our relationship changed a lot after that. And strangely, my mother thinks the presents I give her are amazing and she is so surprised at how I can come up with such thoughtful gifts each time. Strange btw as nothing has changed. In fact I put more effort in when younger as I had the time and energy but back then she was consistently dismissive.

Right now you’re not in a position to advocate for yourself on an even footing. You’re anxious, I think, thinking about when the blow up will come. The only thing to do right now is to withdraw. It isn’t your job to fix her. No amount of presents will do that. It is your job to protect yourself and your ds.

Pathetic behaviour that was meant to hurt you.

No excuse for it. Mental health issues are not an excuse to behave appalling towards others.

The fact that she involved your son in her manipulations is also revolting.

I would distance myself from someone like this.

How did she react with her £300 gifts at Christmas? I am assuming she accepted them and didn't return them as you didn't mention anything?

She is disgusting, she is toxic, she is a disgrace, and you have to find some way of releasing yourself from feeling so keen to please a frankly awful human being.

I hope you are reading the responses OP and they are helping you. Your childhood sounds very abusive, if the incident you describe is anything to go by. Your mother is still abusive. Not only to you, but also to your son now. For your son's sake and your own, I think in your situation I would go very low contact, make your boundaries very clear, and seek help for your own emotional wellbeing. Regardless of her mental health needs. I imagine she could of done more to address those herself over time.

Stop letting your son go through what you did, set boundaries and don’t let her have this control over your emotions. If she kicks off block her for a while

It is so sad that she has treated you and your son like this. She is using the whole presents thing as excuse to be as hurtful as possible.
when I read
She’s now gone totally silent and I’m just waiting for the blow up to happen, it always does when she’s in a bad mood.
What blow up could she have to top this? and its awful for you that you have to dread the next stage of the tantrum.
You simply DO NOT have to put up with this, for the sake of your own sanity and to protect your son from this horrible behaviour.
She needs professional help and you need some support to call a halt to the way she treats you. At presen,t the best policy would seem to be to disengage and get some space from her.

Just wanted to say I have a parent exactly like this. They have literally unwrapped presents and immediately handed them back to me saying 'I don't like X' - both as a child (presents I saved up Saturday job money to buy) and as an adult. I also had a shitty childhood.

Although the advice never to buy her anything again is valid, in reality it's often much more complicated than that if you want to maintain any kind of relationship. The solution I've come to with my parent (who I'm 100% sure is autistic) is that I ask them to tell me exactly what they want and I buy it. If they don't tell me anything they know I won't buy anything at all. I've come to accept they can't handle surprises.

Do yourself and ds a favour and cut her off, don't him be affected y her like you were. How dare she involve him like that!

I'll say the same thing I always say, you don't need to struggle in with horrible people just because you're related, you wouldn't tolerate a friend behaving like this.
Just step back and reduce contact.

Now we all buy them nothing. Get the same whinging but at least we're not wasting our money anymore

Yeah, my GM would do this (not DGM because she wasn't). Opened presents we bought her while having a face like a slapped arse, then a stiff 'Very nice' as she put it on one side. After a few years of a shrug and 'Nothing' through a cat's bum mouth when asked what she wanted for Christmas, nothing was what she ended up getting. That was wrong, of course.

It may be very hard for you not to be upset as you have grown up feeling responsible for your Mum and her moods. She may not be able to put herself in your shoes and her mental health may have impacted on her ability to do this. I think to protect yourself it would probably be a good idea to try and keep some distance for a while. If the subject comes up in the future of buying presents it might be a good idea just to be factual and say that as she didn't like her presents this year you have decided to give some money or a gift card in future.

Your mum is very unwell/not normal. You will never get it right. Even if you took her out and let her choose something herself, there would still be a problem…..and the blame would always be directed at you.
For your sake and the sake of your ds, either don’t bother anymore and at most give a card. Or carry on trying but expect the reaction, don’t let it get to you and laugh about it with your son/shrug, say ‘we tried!’/make bets on how soon the presents get sent back etc. Neither he nor you should suffer for trying to be kind.

Whatever issues she is dealing with this is still awful, cruel behaviour designed to hurt. Please look after your own wellbeing (and at the same time demonstrate to DS what good boundaries look like) by framing this as a wakeup call. She is not able to be the mother you need. That doesn’t necessarily mean cutting her out of your life but find strategies to stop her messing with your head(for example, Grey rock and working out what part FOG plays in your relationship).

As much as I’d normally think that openness is the best option for good communication this doesn’t seem the best way forward with her. It sounds like she’d interpret your hurt as attention so ignoring it or being breezy feels more appropriate. Please don’t spend so much on her on any other occasion (in both £ and emotional energy). You sound lovely but save your generous spirit for those who are able return it with kindness and love.

That's just awful. Your gifts sound extremely thoughtful and I would have loved to receive them. Her response is truly spiteful and designed to make you feel like shit. I don't understand why she would react in such a way to your kindness. Please don't let her upset you. This is all down to her, not you. You sound like a really lovely daughter despite having such an awful mother.

I would cut her off tbh. She sounds awful.

Oh, OP. She sounds exactly like my mother.
Everything we gave her, she didn't want, didn't like, didn't need. Either gave it back to us, or gave it away with a day or two.
And not just us. Friends, family - she didn't like anything. Not a thing. And she wasn't nice about it, either. Ungrateful and nasty.
Stop buying her presents. Tell her you've donated to a good cause instead (at least it'll be appreciated) and just give her a card.
Trust me, love, you can't win this one. I'm sorry to say that, but it's true. xxx

If you possible can, ignore.

I hope you're taking the comments on board OP.
I would message her saying, I think it's best we don't exchange gifts anymore. Save ourselves the money and disappointment. Then change the subject.

I suspect she's looking for a reaction from you. Don't give her the satisfaction, and if she starts drama just ignore her.

Maybe it's time to consider going low or no contact for the sake of you and your son's mental health?

Yes, it's a horrible, bitchy thing to do. My mother gave me back a present I'd got her for Christmas - 10 years after I'd given it to her! It was something that was meant to be a souvenir of a time we'd had together, it wasn't cheap tat, it was the Waterford Crystal Christmas ornament issued that year, which she has always loved. She had made repeated visits to the shop to look at it in the month leading up to Christmas.

It was thrust back at me with a curt 'I won't be using this anymore, you may as well have it back'....so doubly hurtful. I think it was supposed to make me feel guilty/sad that she didn't want to celebrate Christmas anymore. Historically though she'd always been a right bitch around Christmas - as a narcissist she couldn't bear seeing my grandmother making a fuss of myself and my two brothers. I made the mistake of telling my grandmother, in front of my mother, that Santa Claus had given me a lot of presents that year....I was 5. She promptly threw a hissy fit and told me that Santa Claus didn't exist and that the presents were from her and my father...in Australia the new school year starts in January, I got into trouble of telling all my classmates in Year 1 that Santa didn't exist...

How upsetting for you, OP, I’m so sorry.
If you can’t bear to give her nothing, next time just get her one small thing, preferably something edible that you like, so if she gives it back at least you can eat it!

It’s not your fault . Keep repeating that. Go low contact. Never ever spend £300 on her ever again. You can get her a gift voucher if you want to in future - if that makes you feel ok and a cheery card. It’s not your fault. For whatever reason, she wants to make you feel bad . I’m so sorry you’ve had that treatment. It’s unacceptable. But yeah - eat the chocolates whilst watching tv

This could have been my mother. On my wedding day, DH and I gave her and my MIL a Ferragamo silk scarf and a Diptyque candle each. My mother gave them to a flight attendant on her flight home as she didn’t want them (she threw them under the table at the wedding itself). There are many other instances I could describe of her behaviour. Personally, I would buy her nothing, or if you feel that you really must, then no more than £10. I wish that I had as nothing is ever enough. It took me years to see that this wasn’t normal behaviour and that I shouldn’t be waking on eggshells around my own mother in case I ‘set her off’. My rule for my own DD is she is not allowed to buy me anything - only homemade - I am the parent, she doesn’t need to buy me anything. 💐

So OP, do you want meaningful change and a rational life?