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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SIL upset when we don’t invite her places

146 replies

Drainandspin · 08/01/2023 11:41

DH and SIL have a really good relationship, and I have a good one with her too. However she is single and lives on her own and she even moved closer to be nearer us. She doesn’t have any friends really.

Every holiday we go on she will get funny if we don’t invite her, we booked PIL a weekend away and told them to go alone together because they are always bringing SIL along with them too. We are pretty sure she will end up going anyway!

we’ve just booked a little break for my birthday and we haven’t heard from her for 2 days which is unusual. We have just found out MIL has told her so that is why.

I’ve just had enough of it! The silent treatment when we want to do something as a couple winds me up. The pressure of feeling we have to take her everywhere.

AIBU? I feel guilty every time I want to spend time with my husband just us.

OP posts:

ClubhouseGift · 08/01/2023 11:42

YANBU. Her loneliness is not yours to sort, it’s hers.

Remona · 08/01/2023 11:45

That’s bonkers. Stop feeling guilty. Don’t feed her habit. As soon as you give in and invite her along then you’re perpetuating the problem.

Let her sulk. She sounds like a petulant child.

Whotsit · 08/01/2023 11:47

Don’t give this your time or thought, she will just need to get used to this

Schnooze · 08/01/2023 11:52

Stop feeling guilty. Include her in somethings and feel good about that. But don’t feel obliged to include her in everything. The more stroppy she is, the less inclined I’d feel to include her.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/01/2023 11:53

How does her silent treatment end? Are you apologising for wanting a completely normal life with your husband or does she decide to get over her strop because she’s got no one else?

It sounds difficult but also quite ridiculous. As DH is on side just crack on as you are and ignore her. She’s hardly helping her cause by behaving this way. Has she ever had friends? Does she ever organise anything she invites you to or have you over to hers or is it all about crashing your plans?

Is moving away an option…?

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 08/01/2023 11:53

Oh no op you need to put a stop to this right now! You and your DH should be doing the usual couple things regularly and her being invited should be as and when but certainly not the usual.
If you don't sort this out it could easily cause major problems in your marriage as the years go by and you'll resent DSIL more and more. Talk to your DH and get him to tell his sister this needs to stop, failing that then you could talk to her gently and explain things.

DuplicateUserName · 08/01/2023 11:55

It doesn't really occur to me to tell family when we're going away.

Is there a reason you need to, like needing a pet looked after?

Prinnny · 08/01/2023 11:59

Absolutely do not feel guilty! Let her sulk like a petulant child, you are entitled to time alone with your husband and if he didn’t back me on this and insisted his sister joined us it would give me the major ick.

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/01/2023 12:04

Could you do something with her, like join a gym, so she can do that on her own sometimes?

gamerchick · 08/01/2023 12:06

Silent treatment sounds like a bit of peace to me. Stop pandering to this shit.

Sparklesocks · 08/01/2023 12:07

It’s mad that she’d even want to spend so much time with a couple for stuff they’d normally do alone - most people would feel awkward!

stand your ground - she’s not entitled to be invited to everything.

girlmom21 · 08/01/2023 12:08

Have you contacted her in those two days, though?

MintJulia · 08/01/2023 12:08

Stop feeling guilty, you aren't her mum. And even if you were, she's a grown up.

Get on with your life, invite her to the things YOU want to, and don't take any notice of her sulking. She'll get over it.

Iloveacurry · 08/01/2023 12:09

So she’s sulking because you’re going away for your birthday with just your DH and she hasn’t been invited?!

Original poster

Drainandspin · 08/01/2023 12:23

@DuplicateUserName yes MIL has the kids.

Well the silent treatment ended because DH was feeling bad so he reached out to see why she hasn’t been in contact and she just made out she had a bad day at work then said “you could have invited me” so that’s what the issue was really.

OP posts:

Confusion101 · 08/01/2023 12:26

What does your DH make of it?

Maray1967 · 08/01/2023 12:30

He needs to say to her that he’s taking you on a romantic break - does she really expect to join in on that? Weird!

IglesiasPiggl · 08/01/2023 12:35

Does she ever organise a trip and a invite the two of you, or does she also expect you to do it all for her? She needs a life of her own, she can't live vicariously through you.

Schnooze · 08/01/2023 12:41

You need to have a chat with her.
”we love spending time with you but we also have to invest in our relationship to keep that strong. You can’t come every time and tbh if you are going to get funny with us when you aren’t invited, then that will make us less inclined to invite you the next time. It’s not a good mindset. We are a couple and we need to be on our own, as everyone needs to be in a healthy relationship. I am concerned about you though. What can you join to get out and about more? What about x or y or singles holidays (if money isn’t an issue) etc”

saturnisturning · 08/01/2023 12:43

Hold on let me get this right

your DH’s sister gets pissy if she isn’t invited to a holiday for just you and your DH (and kids if you have any)?

that’s really odd behaviour

anotheruser173 · 08/01/2023 12:43

Sod the holidays. You're a couple, and you need some alone time sometimes!

You say you both like her, and she doesn't have any friends. Any chance you can spend some of your time off with her doing activities in a group setting? I.e. can you help her find her own friends locally, so she has other people to socialise with?

Her loneliness isn't your problem, but as you do like her and have more links to the local area, it would be the kind thing to do. It's easier making new friends when you turn up to a group with an existing friend in tow.

Remona · 08/01/2023 12:44

You could have invited me
😮

Your husband should have put her straight when she said this. If he didn’t, he needs to start. He should have laughed and said “We’re having a romantic break, of course we’re not going to invite you.”

No one can expect to be invited everywhere regardless of the relationship. She doesn’t sound very bright to me or she’s been indulged by the family her whole life and doesn’t understand where the boundaries lie.

Shoxfordian · 08/01/2023 12:45

Don’t feel guilty; stop inviting her anywhere- she sounds like a nuisance

SnowlayRoundabout · 08/01/2023 12:48

Drainandspin · 08/01/2023 12:23

@DuplicateUserName yes MIL has the kids.

And I hope his response was "No, we really couldn't. Why on earth would we invite siblings along on a romantic break to celebrate Drainandspin's birthday?"

Ihatethenewlook · 08/01/2023 12:48

What was your response when she said this??

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