SIL upset when we don’t invite her places

[Drainandspin]

DH and SIL have a really good relationship, and I have a good one with her too. However she is single and lives on her own and she even moved closer to be nearer us. She doesn’t have any friends really.

Every holiday we go on she will get funny if we don’t invite her, we booked PIL a weekend away and told them to go alone together because they are always bringing SIL along with them too. We are pretty sure she will end up going anyway!

we’ve just booked a little break for my birthday and we haven’t heard from her for 2 days which is unusual. We have just found out MIL has told her so that is why.

I’ve just had enough of it! The silent treatment when we want to do something as a couple winds me up. The pressure of feeling we have to take her everywhere.

AIBU? I feel guilty every time I want to spend time with my husband just us.

This is ridiculous and totally not your problem to fix, however…….just to be kind…..

SIL needs to get some sort of life alongside work and you/PILs. Has she ever, in the past, had any interests or hobbies that you might be able to re-kindle? Eg hey SIL I was thinking of taking an evening class in Zumba/conversational Italian/watercolours/mechanics/cooking - how about we do it together?” Then once you have done a few and she is settled in, you could gradually withdraw? In this way, you could encourage her to start having more of a life away from you.

It would be your good deed of the YEAR plus benefit everyone enormously…

Good grief…. I couldn’t cope with all that.
Her lifestyle is her choice.. it’s sad that she’s miserable but that doesn’t mean she has to make you miserable.
I can’t believe she can be so dim or so selfish as to even consider you would invite her alone on a weekend you are not taking your children!
Next time she says you could have invited me, just laugh, and say don’t be ridiculous SiL, why would we do that…
Its hard when you are fond of her but this needs to be stopped. She’s 25 not a child.
If PiL want to put up with her nonsense that’s their business, but you need your breaks away with your family and not her.

Sounds like she needs a bit of encouragement to make friends of her own and socialise with people at a similar stage of life - I can't imagine it's much fun tailing along with a couple at any time. It would make me feel even more lonely. Can you gently suggest that she try things like classes, Meetup, etc?

She sounds really unhappy and only 25. Maybe she is struggling a bit with adulthood/sexuality/making her own way in the world? Its good that she is close to her family but her problems are her's to sort out ultimately. I'd keep seeing her when you want to, or when DH wants to, but ONLY when you want to. Don't invite her to stuff when its not appropriate due to sulks, don't give in or give it airtime. Ultimately she'll have to figure out how to make her own way. I don't think you need to go NC but keep boundaries well in place and don't give into clinginess.

Yeah, of COURSE OP is going to do that ...

Alternatively, as she doesn't live in a soap opera, she could just open her mouth & say "we're not inviting you because this break is only for us."

Tell her to get on Tinder

To be honest their is a lot more to the story, she is a lesbian and has only ever came out to us, well I dragged it out of her should I say!So in some way she is living a lie (even though it’s obvious she’s a lesbian) so MIL probably already knows.

I don't understand what her orientation, or you forcing her to reveal it to you, has to do with her being the third wheel in your marriage.

Can you explain, OP?

This sound so creepy! Doesn’t she realize she is crossing loads of boundaries with her weird and nosy expectations?

Well the sulking works doesn't it as husband soon contacts to see how she is!

Are you both a lot older?

I mean she's my kids age & that shit hasn't been put up with for at least 20yrs!

@KettrickenSmiled because I feel like her not being honest with her self is holding her back. She’s forcing herself to live a lie! If she could could just be open and say this is who I am it would be a huge relief for her.

she is on tinder but can’t seem to meet anyone, however I have seen her messages and she is very needy. If they don’t respond to her she practically hounds them.

Do we have the same SIL op?

One of mine is like this and hates that we want to do things as a couple away from her. DH used to give into her (not always but often enough) which infuriated me.

The final straw was when she thought she was coming on our honeymoon with us. That’s when DH finally saw the light and put his foot down.

The boundaries seem a bit fuzzy in the family generally.

we booked PIL a weekend away and told them to go alone together because they are always bringing SIL along with them too. We are pretty sure she will end up going anyway!

Why would you feel it’s your place to do this? Pil bringing their dd with them is entirely their issue, not something for you to organise or instruct them on.

Yes the sulking is working. Break the cycle. Put in your boundaries and ignore her histrionics. Don’t feel guilty. You are nice to include her some of the time.

From your update, OP, it sounds even more like she's struggling.

If she's keeping her sexuality a secret from most people, she's putting on a front each day, which might explain why she's so miserable and finding it hard to form friendships with new people.

I would reiterate my previous comment that even though it's not your and your DH's responsibility, it would be kind to help facilitate her forming friendships with other people. Not only will it be good for her to widen her social circle, but it will take the pressure off you and the PILs to entertain her.

Tinder is a cesspool, but she'll have more luck if she has a pool of friends and doesn't put pressure on a potential date to suddenly become her entire world.

You need to blunt here op. She hasn’t got self insight so you need to help her along. Tell her that her needy messages are the reason she’s not getting anywhere on Tinder. Tell her she’s overstepping boundaries with you. Give her constructive criticism and try to guide her in the right direction if you can. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

@Andsoforth It was their Christmas present we booked it for them to spend time as a couple. DH joked to SIL that she is banned from going even though he definitely meant it. We haven’t booked a weekend away for them and SIL.

Thats another thing she’s do desperate to meet someone, when the person she’s chatting to ghosts her she goes into depression. She put so much pressure on meeting someone.

Who pays for her to come along, OP?
Could she be asked to babysit occasionally- it would make it clear she is not invited!

Honestly? She thought she was going to be going on your honeymoon with you??? How on earth did she come to that conclusion? Has she heard of any of her friends going on honeymoon with their recently married siblings???

Surely this is somewhat down to the pandering that the parents do in order to keep the family member from screaming or throwing a temper tantrum or in the case of the OP, giving her the silent treatment.

Can I suggest @Drainandspin, that the next time she gives you the silent treatment, you give it right back to her? If you drop the rope and don't pander to her giving the silent treatment, there isn't anything she can do. Talk to her as if she isn't giving you the silent treatment. Ignore the bad behaviour because that is what we are told to do when children do what she is doing. Treat her like the child she is (forget about her age and sexuality, it's irrelevant here). She behaves like a needy child because that is the persona that gets her the most attention. Stop giving her the attention.

For her birthday/Christmas present, I'd sign her up for an adult learning class somewhere. Something that takes about 10-12 weeks or longer if you can find it. Get her out of her house so that she can do an activity. She can make her own friends.

This is making me glad DP is an only child tbh

Even worse, she wants to be invited to a holiday for the OP and her DH, when the kids are staying with mil! She wants to crash a child free romantic getaway!!

I agree that she needs honesty and constructive criticism. Then help to start to create an independent life. You and your DH need to be on the same page, though.

You shouldn't be getting involved in your PiL's relationship with her but you should absolutely set your own boundaries. Of course she shouldn't feel entitled to come on family or couple breaks with you. It's nice for her to be a close part of your lives but the manipulative behaviour would actually make me feel much less close to her and want to enforce stronger boundaries.

Your DH needs to have a very frank conversation with her to say she needs to start taking responsibility for her own happiness.

This thread reminds of the reddit post about a woman's widowed SIL asking to go on a romantic trip to Paris instead of the woman's husband.

I've been single for years and not once have I ever thought to crash other's plans.

I think solo backpacking sounds amazing and it's something I regret never having had the opportunity to do. There are not many stages in life where these chances arise. People need to strike while the iron is hot; wish I had!

OP, obviously this is unhealthily codependent and sailing far too close to emotional vampirism. It needs nixing. And firmly.