SIL upset when we don’t invite her places

[Drainandspin]

DH and SIL have a really good relationship, and I have a good one with her too. However she is single and lives on her own and she even moved closer to be nearer us. She doesn’t have any friends really.

Every holiday we go on she will get funny if we don’t invite her, we booked PIL a weekend away and told them to go alone together because they are always bringing SIL along with them too. We are pretty sure she will end up going anyway!

we’ve just booked a little break for my birthday and we haven’t heard from her for 2 days which is unusual. We have just found out MIL has told her so that is why.

I’ve just had enough of it! The silent treatment when we want to do something as a couple winds me up. The pressure of feeling we have to take her everywhere.

AIBU? I feel guilty every time I want to spend time with my husband just us.

That is so bizare. If someone had my kids for the weekend I wouldn't be inviting my SIL along 😂 does she think she is in your marriage?

Two days without contact is unusual and your husband feels impelled to mollify his sister if that happens? That in itself sounds pretty unhealthy. I get on very well with my siblings and DH's, but we can go weeks at a time without talking to each other.

I agree that it's her problem to sort out BUT it does sound like the family aren't helping her at all, as you're all pandering to her wishes.

By constantly having her around and including her in things she clearly shouldn't be around for, her loved ones are helping her to avoid the issues she really needs to face up to.

When she replied to your DH saying she'd 'had a bad day' or whatever, but then said it 'would have been nice to have been invited', I take it he didn't take the opportunity to say that you want time alone together? If not, why?!! It's a perfectly normal conversation to have, and who cares if she sulks?! We don't let sulking children have their way, never mind sulking adults!

Have you tried naming occasions as clearly exclusionary, eg 'date night/day', 'couples break', 'romantic trip'? It needs to be made very clear to her that sometimes she just is not welcome!

What did DH say back?

Oh goodness you shouldn’t have started the group holiday thing ! You’re going to have to go cold turkey. No trip with her for at least a year. If she says anything “holidays are couple time for us now. We really like it just being the two of us.”

How would SIL take a kindly conversation where you explain that you lover her company but as a husband and wife you NEED to have time together alone. It's something that is important for you as a couple/family and whilst you love having her join you on some occasions, it is not possible to invite her on every holiday. How would she react to such a conversation?

& what did DH say to that?

Because something clearly needs saying.
WhyTF would any reasonable person expect to be included in a married couple's short break?

Have either of you (although it should be him) ever pointed out to her that sometimes couples need time to just be together?

May I suggest;
Dear SIL. We have booked a romantic trip away so we can shag like rabbits until Mr Drains brain explodes followed by naked breakfasting. Not sure why you're so keen to witness this??!! See you for Sunday lunch some random time in March. Love and kisses the Drains and Spin.

fucking hell what a weird woman! and why is DH even chasing her after 2 days! I'd be overjoyed for some peace and quiet. She needs to make her own friends and spending so much time with your family is stopping that from happening so you are doing her a favour.

How old is she? Does she work?

she just made out she had a bad day at work then said “you could have invited me”

On your birthday break! God, almighty! Sulky. Demanding. Manipulative. And the hide of a rhino.

You're going to have to be firm with her, like a tantruming toddler, as you start to set some saner boundaries.

My BIL used to do this to us. He was with us everywhere! He would ask every Thursday my husband and I ‘What are we doing this weekend?’. Also countless movies watched with both of them on the sofa. We ended up one Valentine’s Day having a romantic dinner with him in a really nice restaurant and I had a massive row with my DH (then boyfriend). I asked him to stop being too embarrassed to tell his idiot of a brother to get a life. We currently live in the same city and see him twice a year, sometimes less.

DH said to her we are married you know and we would like to spend some time together plus you wouldn’t like it there anyway. She said yes I would I could just go out to eat whilst you two spend time together.

To be honest their is a lot more to the story, she is a lesbian and has only ever came out to us, well I dragged it out of her should I say!So in some way she is living a lie (even though it’s obvious she’s a lesbian) so MIL probably already knows.

The whole thing is draining feels like we have an adult child.

on couples weekend? Don’t think so

Babysitting her isn’t working as she will never get her own life, which she needs. Your dh should explain this to her kindly.

Perhaps you need to be a bit more explicit and say it was a dirty weekend.

She’s 25 lives on her bought her own little flat. But miserable as anything just works and goes home. Then spends every day off with us or PIL.

Personally I'd sit her down and say as much as you enjoy spending time with her, she's 25 years old she needs to make her own life.

If she likes travelling why can't she go alone? I know plenty of single people who go back packing or on holidays alone.

DH said to her we are married you know and we would like to spend some time together plus you wouldn’t like it there anyway.

There’s your problem. There was no need for the additional “plus you wouldn’t like it here anyway” which allowed her to say “oh but I would”, which is exactly what happened.

”We are married and we want to spend time together” was sufficient and she’d have had no come back from that.

Her sexuality is irrelevant. She sounds absolutely clueless to be honest.

Next time book a family room. And have loud (faked) sex . In the morning morning be all innocent , comment on the comfortable bed, and say you hope she slept well.

Time for You to cut the apron strings.
She needs to find her own social circle, make friends...she won't do that when she's with her parents or you/DH.
She'll never grow up while her parents (and you/DH) let her tag along.

If you do not nip this in the bud now, she’s going to be tagging along to everything you do for the rest of your life and even more so should anything happen to her parents.

She isn’t your responsibility. She is completely unreasonable expecting this of you. You must have the patience of a saint to have put up with this for so long.

She said yes I would I could just go out to eat whilst you two spend time together.

Fuck that. This would drive me absolutely insane. Because it is insane

She needs to branch out on her own. My SIL is happily single and child free. She is involved in stuff like learning a language, local food bank, walking group, joined a political party, etc. Maybe say her participation at the next trip is conditional on her also making an effort to join some things like that?

I’d be going NC. She needs a life of her own. You aren’t her babysitter.