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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL upset when we don’t invite her places

146 replies

Drainandspin · 08/01/2023 11:41

DH and SIL have a really good relationship, and I have a good one with her too. However she is single and lives on her own and she even moved closer to be nearer us. She doesn’t have any friends really.

Every holiday we go on she will get funny if we don’t invite her, we booked PIL a weekend away and told them to go alone together because they are always bringing SIL along with them too. We are pretty sure she will end up going anyway!

we’ve just booked a little break for my birthday and we haven’t heard from her for 2 days which is unusual. We have just found out MIL has told her so that is why.

I’ve just had enough of it! The silent treatment when we want to do something as a couple winds me up. The pressure of feeling we have to take her everywhere.

AIBU? I feel guilty every time I want to spend time with my husband just us.

OP posts:
PuzzledObserver · 08/01/2023 17:11

What sort of things do you do with her apart from holidays, and how often? Do you get any say in it, or is it all at her choice and convenience?

Personally I would sit down with DH first and have a conversation about what you were comfortable including her in - might be a weekly meal at your house, one family day out per month and she can come with you on one holiday a year (and she pays for herself!)

Then you sit HER down and say, look SIL, much as we love you, we need to have some time as a family, and DH and I need time as a couple, so it’s not reasonable for you to expect to come with us every time. We are going to invite you to X, Y and Z, but there will be other times when we do things without you.

Aubriella · 08/01/2023 17:14

Drainandspin · 08/01/2023 14:25

I posted on here back in September, we was booking a holiday but for her to come the cost of our holiday went up by £300 so she wanted us to pay that so she could come.when we could have a cheaper holiday without her! We booked it without her in the end. We had silent treatment for a good week then.

DH has just popped to Asda but SIL lives round the corner so I have feeling he’s going to go and check on her 🙄 the whole thing is a joke.

This is what I was going to ask, does she also expect to be paid for, as well as invited.

Do you / PIL usually pay for her? It’s in her interest to remain dependent on you all as she gets free trips out of it.

I think you need to be firm with DH that you have had enough and she can no longer come on any trips at all. Does she come over whenever she likes or stay the night whenever she likes? Time to put in strict boundaries.

It might just give her the kick up the backside to change how she is. She could be needy with Tinder people because she sees it working on her own family!

Jellybean23 · 08/01/2023 17:14

She has to make her own way in life and you and DH have no responsibility to be her company and entertainment. Let her give you the silent treatment , even though it's pretty pointless and cutting her nose off to spite her face- it's no skin off your nose and you've nothing to feel guilty about. In fact, the more you include her, the less inclined she'll be to sort out her social life.

ProhibitedSteps · 08/01/2023 17:19

StrawberryWater · 08/01/2023 13:37

Do we have the same SIL op?

One of mine is like this and hates that we want to do things as a couple away from her. DH used to give into her (not always but often enough) which infuriated me.

The final straw was when she thought she was coming on our honeymoon with us. That’s when DH finally saw the light and put his foot down.

What well done that man! What did he say to her?

PlinkPlonkFizz · 08/01/2023 17:20

Drainandspin · 08/01/2023 13:07

DH said to her we are married you know and we would like to spend some time together plus you wouldn’t like it there anyway. She said yes I would I could just go out to eat whilst you two spend time together.

To be honest their is a lot more to the story, she is a lesbian and has only ever came out to us, well I dragged it out of her should I say!So in some way she is living a lie (even though it’s obvious she’s a lesbian) so MIL probably already knows.

The whole thing is draining feels like we have an adult child.

Is this some weird hangover from childhood where your DH was constantly being encouraged to bring his sister with him? She has got stuck in this?

Winterpetal · 08/01/2023 17:26

Who told the mother in law …
that’s the problem
mil dosnt need to know every move u make

Theemptychair23 · 08/01/2023 17:32

Just carry in doing your own thing. It's not your problem.

I'm surprised she even wants to tag along with a couple. Most people would feel awkward.

Maybe she is struggling to let go of her brother or she may want to spend more time with you (as in she could be jealous of your relationship for one reason or another), but whatever the reason it's not your problem.

TiddlesTheTiger · 08/01/2023 17:44

YABU to feel guilty .
SiL's relationship problems aren't your concern and they certainly don't mean you & DH should take her everywhere with you.

If he shows signs of inviting her on your birthday trip, tell him you won't be going as it won't be any sort of treat for you.

Don't let this type of situation crop up time after time.
DH should have a talk with his sister about not expecting to come on every trip unless specifically invited .

Maybe SiL needs some professional counseling?

InsomniacVampire · 08/01/2023 17:48

I thought she was like 50 but she is 25 and wants to spend time as 5th wheel with a married couple, seriously...
Please dont take her and let her give you the silent treatment, your whole fmaily is enabling her by having her tag along to everything and it's not healthy.

TiddlesTheTiger · 08/01/2023 17:48

ProhibitedSteps · 08/01/2023 17:19

What well done that man! What did he say to her?

Show quote history

.
Well done??

Any man who wouldn't speak up at that point may as well be a jellyfish.

gettingolderandgrumpier · 08/01/2023 18:02

In the kindest way she needs to get a life !
you have 2 choices you & dh sit her down and say she needs to make some like minded friends . Join a club/ hobby I know people say this a lot but it really is the best way to make friends . Tinder when you are so needy and hard work like she is she will attract the wrong people if she does find someone.
perhaps you can go with her what interests does she have ?.
the other choice is stop telling her when you are going away if she gives you the silent treatment tough it’s her issue . She’s unreasonable so you or dh trying to reason with her that you are married and that’s what couples do won’t work because she’s selfish . She hasn’t grown up yet she thinks family are supposed to entertain her like she’s still a teenager.

BigHeadBertha · 08/01/2023 18:17

I think that to get out of this, you'd start by unraveling what belongs to who. You and your husband have every right to a life apart from SIL. She is most likely giving you the silent treatment because it works! Don't tell MIL your plans and don't you or husband cater to SIL when she sulks. In fact, I'd definitely stop this every day communication anyway. Trying to work it out with her only gives her more power in something she doesn't belong in or have any right to be in.

I suspect this is a lifelong family issue on DH's part so if the two of you can't change these habits, I suggest marriage counseling. A therapist will be able to show him the family dynamic clearly and then he'll probably be better able to get disentangled from it. Good luck!

Cornishclio · 08/01/2023 18:37

Well you need to be a bit more hardened to the silent treatment from her. Maybe set a precedent when you just go as a family or couple so that is the norm rather than SIL coming too. She needs to expand her social network but at the every least realise that she does not have to be included on every day out or holiday.

Moxysright · 08/01/2023 19:22

Yanbu! Like others have said it’s not your responsibility if she is lonely. She should be grateful you are kind enough to extend the invitation sometimes but ultimately you are a couple and she should respect that

amusedbush · 08/01/2023 20:53

Winterpetal · 08/01/2023 17:26

Who told the mother in law …
that’s the problem
mil dosnt need to know every move u make

OP has said that MIL is looking after the kids while they are away, that's why she was told.

MIL should have known better than to mention it to Sulky McSulkface, though.

thewinterwitch · 08/01/2023 22:55

BigHeadBertha · 08/01/2023 18:17

I think that to get out of this, you'd start by unraveling what belongs to who. You and your husband have every right to a life apart from SIL. She is most likely giving you the silent treatment because it works! Don't tell MIL your plans and don't you or husband cater to SIL when she sulks. In fact, I'd definitely stop this every day communication anyway. Trying to work it out with her only gives her more power in something she doesn't belong in or have any right to be in.

I suspect this is a lifelong family issue on DH's part so if the two of you can't change these habits, I suggest marriage counseling. A therapist will be able to show him the family dynamic clearly and then he'll probably be better able to get disentangled from it. Good luck!

Well said.

OnlyTheWeedsGrow · 08/01/2023 23:35

If she doesn’t even like kids, why are you taking her on family holidays? Your poor kids having to put up with someone who dislikes them there all the time!

Kitkatcatflap · 09/01/2023 02:17

She sounds lonely and she needs her own life. Perhaps a little immature, wanting to be included by her parents all time? Does she want to meet someone?

Can you not encourage her to go Lesbian club or pub? Maybe a bit of online dating? I went to a club with a shy but newly out work colleague. I was her 'wing girl' as it were. We began talking to two girls and they invited her to see a play one them had written. It kind of got the ball rolling and kick started her social life. It's doesn't even have to be that - what about some hobbies - solo travelling.

ClickClack1 · 09/01/2023 04:44

That sounds painful! I read in another thread in another situation how gratitude can become expectation which then becomes entitlement, so when you actually say no to the person they genuinely feel like a victim.

I think your SIL has gotten used to you checking up on her and inviting her to way more places than is the norm in adult sibling relationships. This is not working for you and it’s negatively affecting your marriage. Your DH needs to learn to say NO to her and to stop checking up on her every 5 seconds. If he’s struggling with boundaries then counselling would be appropriate unless he’s fine about blindly risking his marriage, as you will get more and more fed up with this over time and it may affect your feelings for your DH.

And you’ll both need to and ignore the sulking from her that will be the result.

Fraaahnces · 09/01/2023 05:35

Why has she thrown responsibility for her happiness at everyone else? She needs therapy and some strong boundaries. Capitulating to this over and over again is simply fostering dependence not encouraging her to explore the world around her. Her sulking is slightly bullying but you’re allowing it to happen. She’s an adult, not a toddler.

LetsDoThis2023 · 09/01/2023 05:52

Stop paying for her to go on holiday!

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