SIL upset when we don’t invite her places

[Drainandspin]

DH and SIL have a really good relationship, and I have a good one with her too. However she is single and lives on her own and she even moved closer to be nearer us. She doesn’t have any friends really.

Every holiday we go on she will get funny if we don’t invite her, we booked PIL a weekend away and told them to go alone together because they are always bringing SIL along with them too. We are pretty sure she will end up going anyway!

we’ve just booked a little break for my birthday and we haven’t heard from her for 2 days which is unusual. We have just found out MIL has told her so that is why.

I’ve just had enough of it! The silent treatment when we want to do something as a couple winds me up. The pressure of feeling we have to take her everywhere.

AIBU? I feel guilty every time I want to spend time with my husband just us.

Thats not being thick skinned, it's sheer lunacy! 'I want to join your break and you to pay'!

Her issue isn't that she's lonely or in the closet, her issue is that she's nuts. She takes no responsibility for feeling jealous or left out and instead expects all of you to just bend for her or include her. I'd take a huge huge huge LC step back. This whole thing of just accepting her behaviour is pure lunacy.

This.

Andsoforth · Today 13:38
The boundaries seem a bit fuzzy in the family generally.

we booked PIL a weekend away and told them to go alone together because they are always bringing SIL along with them too. We are pretty sure she will end up going anyway!

Why would you feel it’s your place to do this? Pil bringing their dd with them is entirely their issue, not something for you to organise or instruct them on.

This with bells on!

You did this behind her back?

There is literally NOTHING stopping her joining a lesbian sports team or social group. There are LOADS, especially in cities.

I moved to a large city with a mate who is gay and we knew nobody but each other. We were obviously not both going to pull on nights out! She searched facebook for local gay nights/teams/social events and put herself out there. She also joined a gay dating site, in fact, we both did and within a year we both the people we settled down with.

You need to encourage her to get out there. She's not going to meet anyone following her sibling/parents around!

Maybe things would be much better of she actually came out properly? Then there's no worry about being witnessed at eg a gay event?

You’re not unreasonable to go away without her, continue doing it and it will become the norm. Your husband will just have to keep reinforcing the boundaries. However, you’re overstepping yourself by ‘dragging out’of her that she’s gay and making judgements about it being best for her to come out and also booking surprise weekends for the PIL excluding her and telling them not to invite her. Those things have nothing to do with you and come over as a overcontrolling

She would really piss me off but you husband would piss me off even more pandering to her like she’s a child. No wonder she is like she is the way the rest of the family let her get away with it.

We had silent treatment for a good week then.

That must surely have been a welcome break?

OP, my Aunt was like this with my parents. When I was growing up she was my “second Mum” and babysat / looked after me a lot. She never married and looked after my maternal grandmother until her death, then remained in what had been the original family home.
As I grew up from teenager to adult I could see that it was incredibly dysfunctional. She came on holiday with us, and continued to do so after I left home and moved away. She and my parents lived close to each other and she constantly called on my Dad for handwork, repairs, etc. She never learned to drive so he did her shopping for her. By the time she was very elderly (mid 80s) my 90 yr old Dad was cooking Sunday lunch and taking it to her every week! Eventually she succumbed to falls and dementia and ended her life in a care home.
Looking back it was incredibly sad. She and my mother had an odd passive-aggressive, codependent relationship, always arguing, sometimes going through weeks or months of silence, but each could not imagine the other not being there. My Aunt never really lived her life - never had kids or a proper job, never travelled independently, never had a circle of friends or a proper social life. In effect she never grew up and was a child all her life. I remember her with some affection of course but mostly sadness because it was a complete waste of life. Also I partly blame the situation for my parents not moving to be closer to us before they became very elderly and infirm, because they didn’t want to leave her too/ felt trapped, so now they are over an hour’s drive away from us and getting nearly to the point where they can’t live independently.
You do NOT want this vision for a future. Do something drastic now or the behaviour will get locked in.

I agree that this was a good thing for op to say to the ILs. They're probably lost in the FOG with their daughter given the sulking and tantrums. They may need to be reminded its OK not to take her everywhere!

Your DH has made a start, but he needs to stop feeling guilty about her and over-explaining. If she goes silent, he needs to leave her to it and wait for her to crack first. And he needs to say "Drain and I are a couple, and we go on holiday as a couple, like couples do. " (and no further explanation or justification)

Then send her links to solo 'group' holidays where she can meet other people.

@BungleandGeorge oh stop it, it wasn’t even like that. We booked a couples weekend away to a lodge with hot tub. Arranged champagne and a food basket to be delivered it’s a weekend away for a couple. DH joked to SIL that she’s banned as she invites herself on everyone’s trip.
why on earth would you even want to go anyway! Not controlling one bit.

This is one of those difficult situations where your DH agrees with you, but he's finding it hard to pull away when she's family. It's hard to break the habits of a lifetime.
I'm sure your DSIL does know at heart that it's unresponsible to expect to come everywhere with you but she also knows that she doesn't have anyone else, hence the childish sulking when she's left out- after all it's worked on her DB all these years. It would be in your interests to get her out in the world making her own hobbies but it needs to be a time limited offer, you don't want to find she thinks you'll always go with her.

Why would you pay £300 for her to tag along on your holiday??? Did she even suggest that she would contribute to that cost?

She has lost the plot.

What happened after the week of silent treatment? Who broke first? Her or her brother (your DH)?? I have a feeling it's the latter. He needs to man up if it was.

I would have ignored her for as long as she was ignoring me/DH/kids. Stop putting up with it!

I would even go so far as to suggest to you that you consider moving away from her. If that means moving away from PiL, so be it. She is ruling the roost even if she doesn't live in the same house. It's crazy behaviour.

Why hasn't she got any friends? Even the most unlikeable people I know have at least one friend.

I’d go the opposite way and invite her to everything. Date nights and anniversaries; the more champagne and candlelight awkward the better. Table for three on valentines at the cheesiest red roses restaurant you know. “Pudding? Chocolate fondant: three spoons.” Make it awkward as fuck.

My mum's elderly neighbour is like this - whenever her son or daughter go on holiday they have to take her with them (she's a widow). Once a year would be fine but not every time (they are comfortably off so go quite a few times a year). And she has friends she goes away with as well!

I'll hazard a guess that she wouldn't find it in the slightest bit awkward at all. She'd relish it. She is the centre of attention.

It's when you exclude her she gets pissed as she is being ignored. She needs to not only come out to everyone, but unclench and friendships will happen.

@Drainandspin - you mention she has her own flat but does she have a job? Are there social events/sports things that are run through her work? Would you have any idea how to find out? There may be and Equality Officer working in her company that she could reach out to maybe? Start breaking down the barriers that she has erected all by herself.

YANBU - she sounds like a right pain and clearly has no boundaries! Don’t let her get to you and slowly increase the distance because she needs to get her own life and won’t meet anyone while hanging around with married couples. You can’t stop her going away with PIL as that’s not your business but you can make 2023 the year to start doing lots of couple/ just you, dh and the children things.

Can you just find out where your local gay bar is and arrange to meet her there? And preferably be late and have a few long visits to the loo to maximise her chance of meeting up with someone?

Why oh why would she expect to be invited on her brother's romantic break away with his wife ....so odd
She needs to grow up and stop being so dependent

She's being totally and utterly ridiculous! I would tell her if she doesn't stop it, then she won't get invited to anything at all. She needs to get a life instead of trying to live yours with you and your DH.

Good idea

DH and I have been together for close to 28 years but SIL has had many a time being a bit odd about DH and myself. DH was a late bloomer and had one GF for a year till he started dating me when he was late twenties. She and DH had gone on hols together and she had been his plus one at many events. Of course that stopped when I became his plus one, she even said to him at our wedding I never thought you would marry. She was utterly vile to me when she hit mid forties and realised she was past having children which she did want. She is the only reason DH and I have ever had a major row and I came every close to walking away. He feels very sorry for her, as did I till she started being nasty. There were so many weird little digs all very passive aggressive that apart would not seem like much but over many years very difficult.

Good luck my issue was that DH did not have my back and it took me asking for a separation that actually bucked his ideas up.

I had a friend like this… we’re not friends now purely because I refused to pander to her silent treatment and time passed ( I always previously did). I was pregnant and “not giving her enough attention”.

It’s different obviously as your family, but the more you pander there more she’ll expect it in my experience.