SIL upset when we don’t invite her places

[Drainandspin]

DH and SIL have a really good relationship, and I have a good one with her too. However she is single and lives on her own and she even moved closer to be nearer us. She doesn’t have any friends really.

Every holiday we go on she will get funny if we don’t invite her, we booked PIL a weekend away and told them to go alone together because they are always bringing SIL along with them too. We are pretty sure she will end up going anyway!

we’ve just booked a little break for my birthday and we haven’t heard from her for 2 days which is unusual. We have just found out MIL has told her so that is why.

I’ve just had enough of it! The silent treatment when we want to do something as a couple winds me up. The pressure of feeling we have to take her everywhere.

AIBU? I feel guilty every time I want to spend time with my husband just us.

Going on your updates.... Maybe book her a life coach.

It's bonkers. We've had the same with our adult Dd over the years, when we've booked holidays we've had comments "oh thanks for the invite" etc.

As others have said, it's not up to you to take her everywhere. Maybe send her some links to meet up groups/holiday buddy type things.

Time for tough love I think.

She needs a gym membership or a hobby or something healthy to take her mind off meeting someone. (Maybe then she will!)

Lonely people are sometimes needy people. 25, no life outside of work and no real friends. I feel for her, her behaviour is not great but she’s clearly telling you all she’s unhappy and lonely.

Would she be willing able to look after the children for you? Perhaps sh could babysit for you and you husband to have a date night? Take the kids to the cinema/bowling? If she’s got into a rut of not going out/socialising perhaps this is a way of getting her to start doing some things without you.

Not everyone is confident enough to do everything solo - I certainly wasn’t at 25.

This is a toxic family dynamic where your DH is being held responsible for his DS needs and feelings while being encouraged to abandon his/ your needs/ feelings.
Mil enmeshed and promoting it -by telling SIL you are going away.
Firm boundaries and counselling needed!

She sounds annoyingly needy and childish. Has she always been like this? Didn’t she have friends growing up?

If you fundamentally think she's nice but a bit lost: "Listen DSIL, I know DH mentioned to you about building a bit more of an independent social life and I thought you probably know he's right but might be feeling a bit overwhelmed - shall I give you a hand taking the first steps? "

Then push the travel tours for single people/new hobbies/lesbian social groups and work slowly up to "Jesus Christ on a bike stop being so freaking needy on Tinder you are scaring the shit out of them."

So not only does she think you have to invite her everywhere, she’s also extremely thick skinned! I cannot think of one person that would demand to accompany a weekend break when you don’t have the kids, that is absolutely ridiculous. Your Dh needs to have serious words with her, I doubt it’ll make a difference, tho!

It's like having another child!

Her loneliness isn't your problem to solve.

Time to set some firm boundaries and stick to them. She's sulking because she's got unreasonable expectations. Expectations, I suspect, have been helped to be set by yourself and your DH and possibly PIL too.

It does sound like she's lonely and is relying on you both to fill that void-and provide that bit of social time for her. That's not your responsibility.

The mistake here was your DH contacting her after she didn't contact him for 2 days. If she's in a sulk, let her be in a sulk. She will, in time, get over it.

The more you say no and stick to it, the less she will ask. Even the least self-aware among us get the hint eventually. So even if there's an event/occasion you would normally invite her along to-try saying no just for time period to instil some boundaries.

As far as your PILs go, I'm going to take a different view. Yes, your DH and you purchased a trip for them, but if they want to invite their DD along with them, that's nothing to do with either of you. You can have your own boundaries but you can't dictate what boundaries your PIL has in relation to their own DD. Ridiculous!

Your DH needs to nip this in the bud. Does she have ANY friends?

I'm sure it's as tiring for your PIL as it is for you. So you all need to stop enabling her.

Does she need counselling? Is she autistic? Does she have any MH conditions?

I agree with a PP suggesting asking her to babysit so you and your partner can go out in the evening. If she wants to be part of your family holidays, fine, she goes along so she can look after your kids sometimes so you and DP can go off for a meal as a couple. Does she like children? Good bonding time with them.

I posted on here back in September, we was booking a holiday but for her to come the cost of our holiday went up by £300 so she wanted us to pay that so she could come.when we could have a cheaper holiday without her! We booked it without her in the end. We had silent treatment for a good week then.

DH has just popped to Asda but SIL lives round the corner so I have feeling he’s going to go and check on her 🙄 the whole thing is a joke.

SIL doesn’t like kids.

I don’t agree with her babysitting well meaning suggestion though that it is.
that’s just enmeshing her more and then there is the added dynamic of payback.
nicely but bluntly she needs telling to get a life-hobbies and adult learning both sound good. She needs friends and some self esteem before a relationship. Or volunteering or moving to a job that is heavy on interacting with people. I’d also be putting limits on how often she comes over for her sake. She really needs to learn some self reliance for her sake.

You also need to be upfront with her about the silent treatment: "Sil, sulking is manilative and tbh borderline narcissist - it doesn't work and we think less of you when you do it instead of speaking up like an adult."

She may be lonely, but her parents and your DH feeling sorry for her and including her in everything really isn’t helping. She is highly unlikely to meet anyone on a weekend away with you and your DH or with her parents for that matter.

Tough love is most definitely what’s needed. You can’t dictate what her parents do but stop including her so often. It’s not a healthy dynamic at all. Your husband is doing her no favours whatsoever by letting her tag along. Of course you want her to be a part of the family, but do it on your terms rather than hers. If she sulks, let her. You’ve all pandered to her for far too long.

How is it obvious she's a lesbian? Genuine question.
I'm a lesbian and my ex partner had a 'short back and sides'haircut, always dressed in traditionally male clothing and had the DOUBLE VENUS SYMBOL TATTOOED ON THE BACK OF HER NECK, and my mum stil didn't know 🤣

Yanbu. She sounds very lonely but any enabling of her by including her all the time won't help. Are you similar in ages?

She needs to take some action regarding her own life, hobbies/interests/gym/outings but unfortunately this becomes harder and harder the more depressed one gets. It is sad but it really doesn't sound like she's helping herself. And from how you describe her neediness she's going to put people off her isn't she? Could someone tactfully suggest therapy?

Is there a reason she doesn't want to come out? My family are mostly fine now, but I was in the closet for decades because I was so scared that they wouldn't be. It isn't a nice place to be at all. I do feel a bit sorry for her but again you're NBU, it sounds as if you do more than enough and it isn't your job to be company for her and/or a substitute for friends/partner.

She needs to put an effort in expanding her social circle beyond her family. She will live a very small, closed life if she doesn't.

You are not substitute parents for her, but she might be starting to see you in that way.

This would grate on me. What planet is she on? Go away!

enjoy the silence then

Yes enjoy the peace.

You need to take a huge step back from this nutter and stop pandering to her manipulative bullshit.

Completely agree with this.
If you haven't already, one of you need to get it out there that you have your own lives and you will not be treated like this, but that you do love her and will do things together when it suits you all.
Does she ever invite you to things?