To think relationships shouldn't last forever...

[Pinkbonbon]

I mean, I'm not saying there isn't the odd relationship where people have been together 40 years and really compliment one another and work well together...

But generally speaking, I wouldn't expect to stay with anyone longer than...a decade. I mean, even if its a very healthy relationship, two people change a lot in 10 years. Incompatibilities would likely start to show. Irks arrive. Possibly even contempts set in. Surely emotionally healthy people don't stay in relationships once they get to that point?

Obviously people often have kids of course, which ties them together longer (imo, often longer than it should have).

Anyway...my point is that when I date, I look for a man that I can spend a good few years with, have fun and be good company for eachother and then when it runs its course, go our separate ways.

I really don't understand the mindset many people have of dating to 'settle down' or to 'find their forever person'. Because realistically, relationships usually aren't forever. And many of those that are, shouldnt be. I don't need a partner to complete my life. They're just..added spice.

Aibu?

I somewhat agree despite being married for 18 years, and still happy together. Our marriage is based off our shared experiences, friendship, kids and house etc. If I met him today, without all that background we have, I’m not too sure what we’d have in common as we’ve grown into very different people. I’m older and would look for different things if it were a first date.
Having said that, because I know him so well and we have a great marriage, he’s stuck with me, poor man!

I mean I’m older now than I was 18 years ago (obviously)! I’d look for different things in a partner today than I was looking for 18 years ago.@

I think it’s an intriguing question but I suspect it stems from your own fears rather than liberated views about the world. It’s a bit silly that you think people should just pack up when it gets to 10 years. Life just doesn’t work like that. Perhaps confront your own fears of rejection/commitment and ditch the faux libertine thing for good.

I think this is an interesting discussion, I don't understand why some people are being so defensive against this and so critical of OP. She makes a fair point, as do many other posters. If you don't agree, that's great, lucky you, but I don't understand the need to get so defensive about it

I definately don't think ppl should pack it in at ten years IF its going well. But id say as for as most relationships go...that's an example of a relatively long one.

I can't say I'm afraid...in fact I'd say I find the idea of several great loves and a few shorter adventures to sound like a brilliant life to lead. I hope I'm that lucky. That is not to say I would begrudge something lifelong IF it remained the right fit for us both...but I don't believe these relationships are in the majority. And nor do I need to find one. I'd be more likely to set out to find a unicorn lol.

I do understand what you mean. My parents are divorced, so I took a leap of faith when I married, knowing that marriage is not alway forever. It is our 30th wedding anniversary this year and I truly believe we will grow old together. But I could not possibly know that when I married. Time alone is the measure of true love. There are no guarantees or shortcuts. And just because a relationship ends that does not mean it was a failure. We will all take different paths through life and there is no correct way to do it. I do think I have been very lucky to be able to grow up and grow with my husband. But perhaps I would have been as happy single - we will never know the road not taken.

So, the best way I can think of to explain is this, my husband and I have been together For 16 years. Our eldest is 4.5 so over a decade pre kids. We love each other but also really like each other.

Lots has changed, he used to love sports cars for example, we owned really cute cars for a bit, gradually I wanted a more practical car socially and he became more environmentally aware and now we have 1 family car that we share.

There are lots of things like that where we and our views have changed significantly.enjoy discussing our views, discussing change, we enjoy each other and respect each other. We support each other.

We argue a d piss each other off and struggle through the fair distribution of household tasks like any couple but he's my family, I could no more imagine him not being my person than I could imagine declaring my sibling or child not mine. It could of course happen but I'm in it for the long haul because I love him not because of duty or the kids

12 years in here. Personally I think that long term relationships take work, but it’s the occasional grafting that’s made DH and I much closer. We really are a proper unit in every sense now.

Sometimes it’s better to walk away than ‘push through’, obviously it’s very dependent on individual situations. But putting effort in doesn’t necessarily mean that you should end things.

According to neuroscience, humans are not naturally monogamous

That argument falls down because emotions, the psychology of the human mind, human behaviour cannot be defined in scientific terms or explained by animal characteristics.

Its essentially based on the assumption that people’s behaviour is fuelled only by animal urges. That’s just not the case (with the exception of sociopaths I suppose).

I absolutely agree OP. I've been married for 9 years, and it's definitely run it's course.

It's not an argument. It's a scientific fact. If your partner died or left you, you'd find someone else. You wouldn't mourn yourself to death or stay alone forever.

And this is the point really, isn't it? Some people are happy to stay together indefinitely. And some people are killing themselves to keep a relationship together at all costs even when they are clearly miserable because they think it's the 'right' thing to do. It's perfectly fine and absolutely normal to have more than one significant romantic relationship in your lifetime - because we don't mate for life.

Tell that to my mother whovwas married to my father for 50 years and 10 years after his death still mourns him.

Or my dh's grandfather who was married for 70 years and when his wife died literally grieved to death. Gave up eating and wanting to live. Died of a broken heart

So you, all the people you know, everyone on this thread, and everyone throughout the history of time has had one romantic relationship their entire lives and if it didn't work out, they just gave up on the idea of romance until they died? I don't think so.

We understand Monogamy differently then.

I think monogamy is committing to one long term sexual partner at a time.
A person who has had more than one relationship at different times of their life has still been monogamous in my view.

I assumed you were saying that all human relationships are doomed to fail because neuroscience indicates we are hard wired to seek multiple sexual partners instead of one partner at a time.

Well tbf some people do arguably 'die of grief'. And some people don't. And some people date after losing someone and some don't.

But I think its fair to say we don't all need relationships/perminant relationships.

Mating for life means you find one partner and never ever another. Monogamy is something completely different because yes, you can have chain monogamy.

Monogamy as a social construct, I mean. Not strict biological hardwiring for staying with the same person for life, which we just don't have.

But in order to prove that was a biological imperative, everyone would have to be doing that.

I think if you have kids, then it’s not fair on a family unit to not aim for together forever. It’s really hard and destabilising, money is split, it’s almost always not pleasant and hard on kids. I’ve split up from my partner with kids, but it was not done lightly and if I had my time again I’d be better about choosing a partner!

I think because most societies do promote one marriage for life, then it is a biological and a social survival strategy for families. It’s important to bring kids up as best we can, that is our over riding biological imperative, to make sure the next generation is OK.

Divorce and no marriage is not so stable. So it’s overwhelming evidence that we are wired for monogamy. Other animals don’t need to be around for their young for that long, most mammals grow up very fast.

We are unusual in that humans take a very, very long time to grow and mature. It makes us biologically more monogamous.

I would agree it would be best, at least until the children have grown (assuming no extreme relationship problems like abuse). So...20 years?

But id also argue that most relationships don't normally last 20 years so in choosing yo have kids with someone, you're taking a massive risk of ending up in an unhappy relationship.

So don't beat yourself up about choosing wrong. I'd imagine it's very, very difficult to know if someone would still be suitable for you 20 years down the line (let alone forever).

Agree and more so for the newer generations such as myself as the mindset and home values has somewhat shifted in the last 10 years or so. My parents have been together but never married for nearly 30 years, my grandparents have been married for 42 years and as for myself I was with my ex for 6 years, really thought I would 'do the normal thing' and settle down get married etc. and for at least the first 3 years felt like he was my soulmate. However as time went on things became different and I began dreading long term commitment with him until I woke up one day and realised it was like sharing a house and a life with a friendly stranger, we didn't have similar goals, could go a whole day without speaking to each other and during the pandemic began basically living as housemates rather than a couple set to get married. I also realised I wanted more such as to travel the world and to have new experiences.. and honestly didn't see myself with a partner for the rest of my 20's so we split up and I have been living alone and travelling for nearly 2 years now and have zero regrets.

Babies are born much more dependent than other mammals because of the size of our heads so we have developed a need for an investing father. That's very different from mating for life.