To not sell my home for the benefit of my stepkids?

[jaicobain]

I was never able to have children of my own. I was with somebody for 20 years, had all the treatments, and only ever had miscarriages. He became abusive and I left in my mid-40s, that was that. I am lucky in that I bought my house before he came along. I’m 57 now, and have come to terms with not having DC, but it’s still a great source of sadness to me.

My 2 nieces were born in my 30s, and I adore them. They were a great comfort to me, I’ve always been close to my sister so as a result was close to them. I am their Godmother. Of course they couldn’t be a substitute to my own DC but we have such a close relationship. When they were teenagers, they moved in with me for a few months whilst Dsis struggled with depression. Then a couple of years later my elder niece moved back in for 4 months at age 17 due to rebellious behaviour that Dsis wasn’t coping with. They are now both brilliant young women, and both have babies. They aren’t particularly well-off, and have struggled with the cost of living recently. I’ve been very vocal of the fact that they will inherit my house. Maybe a mistake to tell them that but they are greatful and not entitled at all.

I am in great health and expect to be around for the forseeable, and have always planned to leave my house to my sister, or my nieces if she passes before me. My sister is younger than me, but has ill-health and chronic conditions that have worsened as of late. She is not at deaths door or anything but has told me full-well that she doubts she’ll make 70.

I have a husband now, married 5 years, I have moved in with him. I have a tenant in my property. The problem that has arisen is that he wants us to buy a holiday home in Spain, but doesn’t want to downsize his large Victorian house to fund it (worth £500,000+, bought in the 80s in an area that got gentrified) because he wants his 2 sons to inherit it. He is snobbish about the area of my house (one of the not so nice areas of the city, but it’s where I grew up and I’m fond of it!), and is incredibly vocal about it. He thinks I should ‘get rid’ of my house and buy us the holiday home with the money. I have asked him why he doesn’t just downsize his 4-bedroom, it’s just the 2 of us and his 4 granddaughter’s are pre-teens/teens so they don’t even come and stay anymore. And it’s always the same response, he wants his sons to inherit it and the hypothetical holiday home that he expects me to sell my beloved home to fund.

He actually said that since I don’t have DC and now live with him I don’t need the house. As somebody who tried for years to have kids, this hurt me a lot. He also fails to respect my close relationship with my nieces, and has actually said I should prioritise his adult kids over my 2 nieces. Prioritising his kids would mean selling my house to fund the holiday home so that he doesn’t have to downsize his big house that they are due to inherit.

I am finding the whole thing incredibly upsetting and I feel like he doesn’t respect me or my family. He’s made many a nasty comment about my sister’s mental health issues and has no sympathy for her physical health issues which he says are her own fault for smoking, it’s like her considers her and my nieces to just be worthless. I will add that the holiday home is all him, I am really not bothered and would rather just go on nice holidays around Europe without the stress of buying and maintaining a holiday home.

So, your spouse badmouths you and your property and is trying to take away a source of your income and your property to fund a property I am sure he will manipulate you into having only his name on no matter what he says right now. Those are called red flags. Also, he is absolutely wrong about you needing to will your property to his children. You did not raise them. They are adults. He would have a point if you both purchased a property together equally. Which is probably another reason he is trying to get you to sell your property to go in with him on another property. This will make it easier for him to manipulate you in the future. After this, he will start complaining about your reduction in income, how he has to cover more things, how you should leave your half of the property to his children since he is the one paying all or most of the bills (if he doesn't con you into not being on the property in the first place, that is).
I wouldn't be surprised at all if you came back on and said that you do most of the housework and cooking and planning in the home.
If it were me, I would not give in. Frankly, I would be strongly thinking of leaving.

She’s right.

He sounds like a dick.

This man sounds like a bully, and you have not said one thing that makes him worth keeping let alone giving into his suggestions. Personally I would walk away. Seems like you would be better off and happier without the stress of him. Wish you good luck and good health

If I were you I would not agree to buy anything with him. I'd look at leaving him to be honest. He sounds like an arsehole

I echo this. For the love of everything /one you hold dear, please don’t !

Do you have a will? Make a water tight will if not!

@jaicobain Please get some advice from a solicitor.
💐

You should not get rid of your home. Your "husband" is doing nothing but trying to increase his son's windfall. You do, however, need to get rid of this abusive, hate-filled man. Any man that tells you that your side of the family is worth nothing, but his side is, isn't a man you need. Funny, he is so keen on making sure his son's get EVERYTHING, yet he doesn't seem to mind that they seem to need his house to add to their coffers.
Get a will, NOW, and make sure it states what you want done with the house, along with any other money or assets your horrid husband hasn't already gotten his grimy hands upon. There is no law that says he inherits YOUR assets, unless you let him.
Sorry to be blunt but I have lived long enough to see what happens when women fall for this ploy from a second husband. It never has ended well.

You are not being the arse…he is definitely being an arse…why are you married to someone so unkind about your family? They have been in your life for many more years than your husband and his kids. He sounds incredibly entitled. Ask him if he fancies leaving his house to your nieces…when he laughs and says no…you can tell him you feel the same about leaving your home to his kids!

Your husband sounds Awful! You are not being unreasonable. He is being very selfish.

Another perspective perhaps, which is no way detracts from how little your DH thinks of you, how selfish he’s being, and his near-contempt for your feelings.

We all get to a point where we wonder what it’s all for. Some of us, without DC, might have to confront this earlier than those with. Those with DC sometimes default into thinking “for the next generation”, some of us don’t.

I wonder if your DH over the last couple of years has decided that what his life is all for is his children and grandchildren. And that the extreme view he’s taken wrt you and your family is a reflection of how difficult he’s finding this mid-life crisis style position he’s concluded he should be in. His life, and therefore life in general, is about your progeny and theirs.

Of course that entitles him to nothing of yours, he’s being selfish and cruel to you, dismissive of you, and frankly would be in a hiding to nothing better than divorce if he were married to me. This is an “and”,
not a “but” post from me. Just something to think about.

More constructively, I would absolutely be doing the necessary to ensure I have legally protected my assets to ensure the outcome I want. I also would not tell him what that is, even when asked outright. You share nothing other than your relationship which he is not respectful of. So, frankly, he can fuck off to his sons and grandchildren seeing as they mean so much more to him.

You should make your will now. You can leave it to your nieces with the understanding you have it for your lifetime. If you do this they may well avoid the tax they would have to pay on your death. In effect it’s put in trust for them. Frankly your husband and his kid/s sound bloody horrible!

Your husband can take equity release out of his fancy house and buy a holiday home. No need to sell anything. He can also choose to leave it to his adult dc.
However if you think he will get easier as he gets older he won't.
To decry you for your infertility is unbelievablely cruel. What a disgusting thing to do. My bff was with a partner for 14 years, 2dc. He made her sign her inherited house over to him. He was abusive, violent and a total bastard. She left with nothing. Hire a solicitor and move back into your house. I assume that you can afford to do this? You will be wiping the devil's arse when he is old otherwise. You have money, property and the ability to tell him to fuck off. Do it!

The question is why are you still with him. Horrible man.

If you divorce you will be homeless. If he dies, you will be homeless. He doesn't care a single bit about you.

Your husband is AWFUL to you.

How dare he decide what you should spend your money on. It's very different when you marry so much older and have decades of history that doesn't involve the new spouse.

Your DN are your family and it is your right to sign over your home to them now and give you a life interest in it whether you live in it or it tenanted.

He's a money grabbing selfish stick up pig, he sees you as a way to fatten his retirement nest egg. I doubt he would have been interested in you if you had children of your own.

OMG - no. Just absolutely not. How incredibly selfish and greedy he is.

Wrong!

I wouldn't trust him. Is he trying to get your assets? If he is expecting his whole house to go to his sons when he dies then he has no moral right to have any expectations on your property.

Reads like the start of a miss Marple novel.

Sadly it sounds like you’ve encountered another emotionally abusive narcissistic partner. You have a lovely home and a lovely relationship with your family, get rid of this man, if you let him he’ll destroy everything. These type of men feed off their partners annihilation. First they obliterate you financially and make you dependent on them, secondly they destroy your relationships and isolate you, thirdly they take your mind away, gaslighting you into doubting your every word or thought. Run.

Having read about the Spanish inheritance rules, I'm positive that he has hatched this plan to make sure his children benefit from your assets.

If he doesn't accept a firm "No, that's not happening", then you know he cares more for his children's inheritance than he does for you.

If I was in your shoes, I'd be seriously considering whether to leave him or not.

And just to add another childless friend was divorced after 10 years and he took half the multi million pound house she had paid for (clever girl, not inheritance). Her friends believed he targeted her as a childless 40 something.

This guy does not sound good... YANBU in any way shape or form. Stick to your guns and don't pay for his holiday home!

Seriously I wouldn’t stay with this man. Why on earth is he talking about not going near a woman unless she had her own property when he already has a wife?!?! If he wants a holiday home, he pays for it. I can’t believe he has the nerve to expect you to sell your house to buy a holiday home that he and his kids will inherit and leave your family with nothing. You are just a meal ticket to him now. Run fast. And as his precious house is worth more than yours and you have lived in his house, you actually have a claim against his house on divorce….