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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not sell my home for the benefit of my stepkids?

748 replies

jaicobain · 07/01/2023 15:34

I was never able to have children of my own. I was with somebody for 20 years, had all the treatments, and only ever had miscarriages. He became abusive and I left in my mid-40s, that was that. I am lucky in that I bought my house before he came along. I’m 57 now, and have come to terms with not having DC, but it’s still a great source of sadness to me.

My 2 nieces were born in my 30s, and I adore them. They were a great comfort to me, I’ve always been close to my sister so as a result was close to them. I am their Godmother. Of course they couldn’t be a substitute to my own DC but we have such a close relationship. When they were teenagers, they moved in with me for a few months whilst Dsis struggled with depression. Then a couple of years later my elder niece moved back in for 4 months at age 17 due to rebellious behaviour that Dsis wasn’t coping with. They are now both brilliant young women, and both have babies. They aren’t particularly well-off, and have struggled with the cost of living recently. I’ve been very vocal of the fact that they will inherit my house. Maybe a mistake to tell them that but they are greatful and not entitled at all.

I am in great health and expect to be around for the forseeable, and have always planned to leave my house to my sister, or my nieces if she passes before me. My sister is younger than me, but has ill-health and chronic conditions that have worsened as of late. She is not at deaths door or anything but has told me full-well that she doubts she’ll make 70.

I have a husband now, married 5 years, I have moved in with him. I have a tenant in my property. The problem that has arisen is that he wants us to buy a holiday home in Spain, but doesn’t want to downsize his large Victorian house to fund it (worth £500,000+, bought in the 80s in an area that got gentrified) because he wants his 2 sons to inherit it. He is snobbish about the area of my house (one of the not so nice areas of the city, but it’s where I grew up and I’m fond of it!), and is incredibly vocal about it. He thinks I should ‘get rid’ of my house and buy us the holiday home with the money. I have asked him why he doesn’t just downsize his 4-bedroom, it’s just the 2 of us and his 4 granddaughter’s are pre-teens/teens so they don’t even come and stay anymore. And it’s always the same response, he wants his sons to inherit it and the hypothetical holiday home that he expects me to sell my beloved home to fund.

He actually said that since I don’t have DC and now live with him I don’t need the house. As somebody who tried for years to have kids, this hurt me a lot. He also fails to respect my close relationship with my nieces, and has actually said I should prioritise his adult kids over my 2 nieces. Prioritising his kids would mean selling my house to fund the holiday home so that he doesn’t have to downsize his big house that they are due to inherit.

I am finding the whole thing incredibly upsetting and I feel like he doesn’t respect me or my family. He’s made many a nasty comment about my sister’s mental health issues and has no sympathy for her physical health issues which he says are her own fault for smoking, it’s like her considers her and my nieces to just be worthless. I will add that the holiday home is all him, I am really not bothered and would rather just go on nice holidays around Europe without the stress of buying and maintaining a holiday home.

OP posts:
Yeahrightthen · 08/01/2023 18:37

jaicobain · 07/01/2023 16:56

If I were to explain the situation to my nieces and put the house in their name now, I’m certain they would keep it as a home for me for the rest of my lifetime. DH would certainly divorce me.

Let him, just make sure you have been to see a solicitor first and know your rights regarding your home.

Justbefair · 08/01/2023 18:37

If you did decide to buy a holiday home it would still be an inheritance for them but do not be pushed into doing sth you don't want to do. I would love to have a holiday home but would expect some equal sacrifice from him, downsize or sign half of the house is yours. He sounds very insensitive so I would resist unless he offered a mutually beneficial agreement. Be careful! X

Thinking2022 · 08/01/2023 18:39

so sad to read this - Do keep your home. Just offer to pay him rent to be in house if that's the underlying cause. People with children really do not understand people without children

RosieAnnie81 · 08/01/2023 18:39

I’m sorry to hear about your situation as it’s clear you would be an amazing mum. I have to be honest though your house is your home where you worked hard to have. The are you know. Please do not sell your home. It’s yours and yours to do what you want with. It matters and if he had any respect he wouldn’t be asking you to let it and go and lose for a holiday home. I would be telling him straight no way and it’s yours to leave to whom you chose. Please do not. I know of this sort of thing happening to a friend of mine she lost out he kept his house and she never got on with his kids instead renting and left with nothing. Please don’t do it.

WanderleyWagon · 08/01/2023 18:40

Your sister has mentioned financial abuse because trying to bully you into transferring an asset in his family's interest is financial abuse. I'd see a solicitor about how to safeguard your property but I would also see a solicitor about divorce. And if you have the means I would consider seeing a therapist to talk through this situation. You don't have to (and everybody here is rightly telling you not to give in) but it's concerning that you are feeling the pressure. I wish you well in holding the line and, if necessary, in consciously uncoupling from him.

Yeahrightthen · 08/01/2023 18:41

jaicobain · 07/01/2023 21:54

Thank you all for the advice. I was very worked up. I’m going to relax now and will perhaps go and see a solicitor in the week.

Not perhaps OP - definitely!

Yoy have nothing to lose and a lot to gain by speaking to someone who is an expert in marital law/assets. You’d be v silly not to see a solicitor ASAP.

Pilgit · 08/01/2023 18:43

Talk to a solicitor as one way to safeguard the property would be to put it in trust. You would gift it under trust to your neices now but the terms of the trust would mean you are able to have the benefit of the property (either to live in or to get the income from) whilst you are alive.

FWIW your husband does sound financially abusive. It's as if he sees that as you married him all your assets become his to do with as he pleases - that you are a possession of his and all of your possessions are therefore his to do with as he pleases. This is, of course, not at all the case as we don't live in a society where women are owned any more. However getting legal advice on how to protect your assets that you accumulated prior to marriage would be advantageous.

There is a mumsnet addage that says when a person shows you who they are - believe them. He has shown you he has nothing but contempt for your wishes or your family. He is making a grab for your assets and using emotional blackmail and abuse as a way to make it happen. This is utterly abhorrent behaviour. Were i in your shoes i would hope i would be able to think clearly enough to also get divorce advice.

Matlab · 08/01/2023 18:44

If your husband died first, would you expect to inherit at least part of his estate? If so, then you are being (partly) unreasonable.

Maybe he is trying to suss out how much to leave you in the will if he dies first? Anything he leaves to you will end up with your niece, as opposed to his own children (which is perhaps not what in accordance with his wishes)

Mrsgreen100 · 08/01/2023 18:45

Posting again
as I am so worried about you please don’t sell your house
make a will lodge it with solicitors and tell someone you trust not your current husband
read up on narcissistic personalities

AllyArty · 08/01/2023 18:45

Whatever you do don’t sell your house to fall in with his wishes. It strikes me that there are 2 problems: the first is what to do with your old home and the second problem is that he doesn’t seem v nice and u sound lovely. Don’t be railroaded. Out of curiosity have you seen his will?

PoppyTries · 08/01/2023 18:45

If I were to explain the situation to my nieces and put the house in their name now, I’m certain they would keep it as a home for me for the rest of my lifetime. DH would certainly divorce me.

I wouldn’t think this is the right thing to do either. Your solicitor should have a better way to ensure that you keep your financial security and your nieces will inherit. I know they love you and you can’t imagine that, if you put the house in their names now, they wouldn’t help you financially if you needed it, but people do get funny when money is involved and do things we’d never expect them to.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 08/01/2023 18:49

I think your husband doesn't respect you. I'm sorry. I definitely would not sell of that house which is your financial security.

Flowersinthebasement · 08/01/2023 18:49

What if either or both your nieces relationships break down and they divorce? What if they fall on hard times and need to liquidate the asset? What if, what if, what if?

I know you are certain of their love and integrity, but you cannot be absolutely positive that things won't change. Protect your asset for yourself and do what others have advised regarding your will etc.

Miisty · 08/01/2023 18:49

Keep your house well done to you and get your will up to date on who will inherit your house He sounds abusive and it is your house not his Well done to you and what a kind lady you are

AllyCatTown · 08/01/2023 18:50

It’s horrible that he’s putting pressure on you. I could understand him not getting it at first. But as soon as you explained your position that should have been it.

Kendodd · 08/01/2023 18:51

Oh op, this thread has made me feel both happy and sad for you.
It's sad you couldn't have your own children, but the love you have for your family, and they have for you, brought a tear to my eye. You are so, so lucky to have each other.
As for selling your house, just tell your husband 'no' end of discussion.
With regard inheritance, I would point out that the average age to inherit in the UK is 61. I sometimes think the country would be in a better place if nobody inherited and money just went to a cats home or something.

Sainte · 08/01/2023 18:54

If you divorced him would you be entitled to a portion of his home. Sorry if this was previously asked.

fatchilli123 · 08/01/2023 18:54

He is mentally abusive. To me this is worse than physical abuse . You sell up he will leave you . He has jo respect or love fir anyone but himself . Please get away from him . He is the scum .

Glenthebattleostrich · 08/01/2023 18:56

Honestly I would divorce the arsehole. Why would you give everything you've worked for to some random adults you have known a couple of years rather than your blood relatives?

AspiringMermaid · 08/01/2023 18:57

He is acting like such an entitled jerk... You don't even want this holiday home

keffie12 · 08/01/2023 18:58

jaicobain · 07/01/2023 15:34

I was never able to have children of my own. I was with somebody for 20 years, had all the treatments, and only ever had miscarriages. He became abusive and I left in my mid-40s, that was that. I am lucky in that I bought my house before he came along. I’m 57 now, and have come to terms with not having DC, but it’s still a great source of sadness to me.

My 2 nieces were born in my 30s, and I adore them. They were a great comfort to me, I’ve always been close to my sister so as a result was close to them. I am their Godmother. Of course they couldn’t be a substitute to my own DC but we have such a close relationship. When they were teenagers, they moved in with me for a few months whilst Dsis struggled with depression. Then a couple of years later my elder niece moved back in for 4 months at age 17 due to rebellious behaviour that Dsis wasn’t coping with. They are now both brilliant young women, and both have babies. They aren’t particularly well-off, and have struggled with the cost of living recently. I’ve been very vocal of the fact that they will inherit my house. Maybe a mistake to tell them that but they are greatful and not entitled at all.

I am in great health and expect to be around for the forseeable, and have always planned to leave my house to my sister, or my nieces if she passes before me. My sister is younger than me, but has ill-health and chronic conditions that have worsened as of late. She is not at deaths door or anything but has told me full-well that she doubts she’ll make 70.

I have a husband now, married 5 years, I have moved in with him. I have a tenant in my property. The problem that has arisen is that he wants us to buy a holiday home in Spain, but doesn’t want to downsize his large Victorian house to fund it (worth £500,000+, bought in the 80s in an area that got gentrified) because he wants his 2 sons to inherit it. He is snobbish about the area of my house (one of the not so nice areas of the city, but it’s where I grew up and I’m fond of it!), and is incredibly vocal about it. He thinks I should ‘get rid’ of my house and buy us the holiday home with the money. I have asked him why he doesn’t just downsize his 4-bedroom, it’s just the 2 of us and his 4 granddaughter’s are pre-teens/teens so they don’t even come and stay anymore. And it’s always the same response, he wants his sons to inherit it and the hypothetical holiday home that he expects me to sell my beloved home to fund.

He actually said that since I don’t have DC and now live with him I don’t need the house. As somebody who tried for years to have kids, this hurt me a lot. He also fails to respect my close relationship with my nieces, and has actually said I should prioritise his adult kids over my 2 nieces. Prioritising his kids would mean selling my house to fund the holiday home so that he doesn’t have to downsize his big house that they are due to inherit.

I am finding the whole thing incredibly upsetting and I feel like he doesn’t respect me or my family. He’s made many a nasty comment about my sister’s mental health issues and has no sympathy for her physical health issues which he says are her own fault for smoking, it’s like her considers her and my nieces to just be worthless. I will add that the holiday home is all him, I am really not bothered and would rather just go on nice holidays around Europe without the stress of buying and maintaining a holiday home.

He is abusive. That may shock you yo hear. It's financial abuse. Do not do anything. Gerlt some help and talk to womens aid. Don't tell him though

puddleduckmummy · 08/01/2023 18:59

God he sounds awful. I would chose your family over him and divorce him. Get rid of him not your home or family

Sunflowerinthewind · 08/01/2023 19:00

He’s so selfish and totally disregards your feelings and wishes. Stand your ground and hang on to your house. I’m not sure this relationship is worth continuing. He’s shown his true colours.

PeachyPeachTrees · 08/01/2023 19:00

No way he would sell his house to buy holiday home and have both your names on it so why would you?! He wants your money and he wants to make you dependant on him as the safety net would have gone. Massive red flags. The nasty no kids comments are unforgivable. I can't see this relationship lasting so you're gonna need that house.

Rachand23 · 08/01/2023 19:02

Be aware of Spanish law of entitlement of property if you own a holiday home there - if DH dies his sons automatically get a large percentage of the property, you will not get 100%. Also remind him no point of a holiday home in an EU country you can only stay there for a limited time each year, you cannot rent it out to anyone else without being subject to tax laws.

Also ask yourself if you honestly love this man?

good luck.