To give DSS 5k only for wedding

[mymonkeymycircus]

My DH has a son from previous relationship. DSS mother died years ago and DSS inherited quite a substantial amount. His future wife is from a well off family and both DSS and fiancé have well paid jobs.

They are getting married and we've managed to put 5k together as a gift. Is this enough? We're not well off but want to keep up with expectations.

Is 5k reasonable or AIBU?

That’s a lot

for kids who have well paid jobs,
also may be old fashioned but does the extra financial parts fall to wife’s family? Married a long time ago

It’s more than enough! Keep up with expectations? Come on, it’s not like they’re struggling. I’d give what I could comfortably afford. We gave £500 to one SS as they didn’t need anything. The other got a washing machine & tumbler as that’s what they needed, & they would’ve blown the cash on rubbish. I’m going back some years though.

Blimey that's super generous! We didn't get that much from either side and we hardly had two pennies to rub together at the time. As long as they aren't grabby bastards they will be blown away by any donation - so were we!

My parents gave me and my sister £5k each and said we could use towards wedding/house deposit or anything else

This was 30 years ago so we both paid for a full wedding and put £2k ish towards first house

If you can afford it and have no other dc then it's a wonderful thing to do

My parents said we would get everything when they die anyway but this way they get to see us enjoy a bit of it! (& potentially less inheritance tax)

£5k is extremely extremely generous. And you've managed to pull it together....versus his large inheritance and both being great earners.....sounds like you need the £5k more than him!

£1,000 sounds a lot more realistic than £5k! My DM paid £500 towards the cost of the meal at our wedding and my DSD paid £300 for my wedding dress, so similar ballpark to £1k in total, although this was 20 years ago!

Completely irrelevant what ‘your circles’ do. People should give what they can afford.

My parents are financially comfortable and I think spent about £200 to pay for the flowers. If your DSS is basically doing ok, has own house etc, I wouldn’t expect you to pay anything like as much as £5k.

I would buy a nice gift, like a portrait of them both or a others have said contribute towards the photography ( that’ll be loads! ) or a dinner, spa etc. I’d never expect - or actually want my parents to contribute.

@Fairydustandsparklylights

Op, please don’t revise it down to 1k based on the opinions of strangers. I honestly don’t know anyone who only got 1k from parents towards a wedding. 5k is a great amount. In my circles, we all got 5-10k per side, (some got a lot more) towards the wedding plus a wedding gift on the day.

The OP is asking for opinions. People opinions are not WRONG because they don't coincide with YOURS. Your view that she should consider revising her 'offer' up to £10K, and not down to £1K, is not the 'correct' view. There IS no right or wrong. It's peoples OPINIONS, which the OP asked for........

Me and DH got married a long time ago - early 1990s, and we paid for the wedding ourselves. Didn't get a brass farthing from either side. DH's parents were struggling financially, and on the verge of losing their house when we got married. Mine were not well off. Dad had been off work for some months due to illness, mum never worked, so they could not pay anything either.

Me and DH funded it all ourselves. Dress, flowers, meal for 30 people, service, wedding rings, DH's suit, best man's suit, 2 bridesmaid's dresses, photographer, honeymoon etc etc. If someone had given us potentially 25 to 40% of the cost of the wedding, we would have been delighted.

My 3 female cousins had theirs paid for by parents (all late 1980s,) and I was pretty pissed off (at the time) that no-one paid for ours. Not angry or bitter with our parents as it wasn't their fault they couldn't afford it, but still a little bitter. But we managed it as we both had good jobs, and we still put a good deposit down on a small newbuild home 2 years after getting married.

We had a small wedding with just 30 people - including us - and a meal at the local pub for the 'reception.' It lasted from midday to 3pm. We had a little buffet at the local social club at 7pm, and the same 30 people came. (Although some 100 people were there altogether as it was a public social club...) We danced into the night to the music the social club DJ played, and walked home deliriously happy at 1am, and went on our honeymoon 2 days later.

So yeah we paid for it ourselves, whilst my 3 cousins got a big huge fancy wedding paid for by my aunts and uncles, with much more money spent, much more expensive wedding dresses, and over 100 people at each one. (most of whom my cousins didn't know!)

But all 3 of their marriages broke up within 10 years. So.......... 🤷‍♀️ who is the real winner here......

DH's parents managed to keep their house btw! It was touch and go for six months or so, but they got though it.

Please don't buy a meaningful gift instead of either giving money for the wedding or offering to pay for a specific part.

Even inexpensive weddings are not cheap and I'd be truly bemused- although clearly would pretend to be thankful- if DPs spent a lot of money on something random, rather than contributing to the day.

My parents paid for my wedding dress, they set a budget of £800 and my dress was less than that so they were extra happy. That and their presence was their gift 😍 I had zero expectations of anything more!

'That - and their presence - was their gift...' Awwww, that's lovely.

There is absolutely no need to be so rude. At no point did I say that Op should up her gift to 10k. I merely gave my opinion, as you said, like the Op asked. Maybe you have dc who you could have given a decent gift to but chose not to and this post has hit a nerve.

I got 2k from my dad and was really thrilled.

5k is huge.

@Holly60 I think (and hope) you mean 1k isn't a lot in proportion to the overall cost of a wedding these days, rather than as a wedding contributions from parents.

Parents shouldn't be expected to contribute anything towards their child's wedding, by any measure! Any amount offered/gifted/contributed is generous and then gratefully received, whether that be 1k, 5k, 10k or far, far less!

I think £5k is too much given your position (nearing retirement and not really well off) and plus they have well paid jobs themselves. Husband and I paid for our wedding but my parents bought my wedding dress which I was very grateful for. £1,000 is definitely a more reasonable amount and still very generous!

£5k is a lot

do you know what wedding they want

our wedding was about £5k all in and that included losing deposits for covid and 2 postponed wedding dates due to lockdown

if they have good jobs and no kids and her parents wealthy then don’t over extend yourself

offer to pay fir an item. Flowers. Cake. Etc

And maybe you’ve lived of daddy’s money all your life and Fairydust has hit your nerve? 😉

Sorry, butterfly wings not fairy dust

My DF and his wife paid for the evening buffet, I think it was about £250 18 years ago. No further gift or money.

I know I'd get nothing from my parents if I chose to get married. That doesn't bother me at all, they have nothing for themselves. But I also wouldn't expect anything either and would feel awkward if they did try offering.

Any money you choose to give is a nice thing but shouldn't be expected.

If you choose to get married, you should pay for it yourself.

My dad paid for our wedding. DH bought my dress. I bought his ring. Give whatever you want to give and don't revise up or down on the basis of what other people do. Your generosity will be appreciated.