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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give DSS 5k only for wedding

176 replies

mymonkeymycircus · 07/01/2023 14:35

My DH has a son from previous relationship. DSS mother died years ago and DSS inherited quite a substantial amount. His future wife is from a well off family and both DSS and fiancé have well paid jobs.

They are getting married and we've managed to put 5k together as a gift. Is this enough? We're not well off but want to keep up with expectations.

Is 5k reasonable or AIBU?

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 07/01/2023 15:03

My parents paid a £400 or £500 bar bill so people could have a first drink at an evening do party we had after a wedding abroad. In law's said they'd pay for some extra family members they'd invited to the wedding abroad without our permission. I think about £600 and were meant to pay £300 for a wedding video "for grandma" that they didn't then pay for.

It's not that usual for parents to pay huge sums of money towards weddings. Even well off and generous parents tended to pay for something particular like the dress or the grooms suits. Maybe say you will foot the flowers bill (£1k) or the photos (£2k?) Or a cake.

RhymeHasAReason · 07/01/2023 15:05

If they want to get married, they pay for it. They’re an established couple and it’s 2023.

lookingformyleopard · 07/01/2023 15:10

£5000 sounds like way too much, especially when it sounds like the couple are pretty well off but it would be a stretch for you to give so much. I think my dad paid for my dress (about 250) and oh's mum gave us £500 towards the honeymoon. Our whole wedding cost less than 5k, but if we'd wanted a massive do, I wouldn't have expected other people to pay for it!

LeFeu · 07/01/2023 15:14

My parents gave me 5k towards our wedding, not that unusual in our friendship circle. But don’t do it if you can’t afford it!

randomusername666 · 07/01/2023 15:16

mymonkeymycircus · 07/01/2023 14:45

Brag to who? Strangers on MN? What would be the point. I don't know you???

Show quote history

Take no notice of the unhelpful comments OP, some people are just shitty.

I think your gift is thoughtful and generous and Im sure the bride and groom will appreciate it.

MeridianB · 07/01/2023 15:16

What can you afford?

If giving £5,000 would not out you under financial strain, then it’s an amazing gift. If it’s a struggle then £500 would also be amazing.

fajitaaaa · 07/01/2023 15:16

I'd give them £3500

StrikeandRobin · 07/01/2023 15:17

We're not well off but want to keep up with expectations

I would feel awful if my parents did without in order to give me cash.

Alarae · 07/01/2023 15:18

It's whatever you can afford; it's a gift and the thought.

My parents (Mum and Stepdad, Dad) clubbed together and booked our honeymoon. I think it was about 2k at the time but amazing (my stepdad is amazing at getting good deals). My mum and stepdad also paid the deposit for my dress (50%). My dad at the time said he would pay the other half to match them but I didn't chase this up as I knew he didn't have as much disposable income and just paid myself.

DH's parents gave us 5k, which they also gave to his two siblings. They are better off (or at least his dad is).

Any gifts from other family and guests weren't much but we loved everything regardless of monetary value. We just wanted to celebrate with our friends and family and planned a wedding we could afford, not based on what anyone could contribute, so any gifts really were just that. No expectations.

LdnReno · 07/01/2023 15:19

DH family gave us 5k towards our wedding. They wanted to invite some of their friends too so it was partly to do with that also. My Dad paid about 10k and we covered the rest. We would never have wanted them to give us anything they couldn't afford and they wanted to contribute.

TheMightyOak · 07/01/2023 15:22

mymonkeymycircus · 07/01/2023 14:48

We're not in any circles. Small house and local government workers nearing retirement.

I've heard others paying for children's weddings and thought there was/is an expectation.

Maybe we should revise to £1000 then.

£1000 seems more than enough especially as they are in well paying jobs and you are not particularly well off. I hope they appreciate it.

GrinAndVomit · 07/01/2023 15:24

It’s way more than we got

WeLovePeaSoup · 07/01/2023 15:25

£5000 is a great amount to give if you have it , but if you would struggle then only give them so much which make you comfortable.
We paid for our wedding, but got £1000 from my DMum and DSDad and from my DSister and DBIL each. We also got £800 from DFIL and he also put £300 behind the bar. I was not expecting any of that at all but we were very greatful.
Perhaps put some money behind the bar, I liked that the most.
£1000 more then enough for a couple has everything.
Once they have children you can pay like a few months nursery for them. Or something useful.
Congratulations to your DSS wedding.

AuntieMarys · 07/01/2023 15:26

I'm not contributing anything towards my dcs wedding. If they want a ridiculously overpriced party they can pay for it themselves

Lcb123 · 07/01/2023 15:27

Everyone I know paid for their own weddings. We had a gift of money for a flat deposit which was very gratefully received, as it’s an investment unlike a wedding

User839516 · 07/01/2023 15:29

We got £10k from my parents (+ my dress and some money for our honeymoon so probably more like 15 in the end actually) and £1,200 from DH’s parents (they presumably put away £100 a month for a year, which I thought was very sweet). Very different amounts but both very much appreciated. I agree with PP, there’s no ‘right amount’ and there should be no expectation but if you can comfortably afford to gift £5k and you want to, and you know it will be appreciated, that sounds perfect.

Brighteyedtriangle · 07/01/2023 15:29

I wouldnt give them a lump sum. Just offer to pay for the photographer and/or cake and be done with it.

Lochjeda · 07/01/2023 15:30

My dad paid our venue prior agreed and offered by him, that was 5k. My inlaws offered to pay the band and it was 1400 both were massively appreciated. Why don't you ask them if there is something you could pay for as a gift. They will likely say something less than 5k. I think that's a massively generous gift especially if they don't actually need it and its a struggle for you.

excelledyourself · 07/01/2023 15:31

I'd offer to pay for something specific, like photographer, or the groomsmen outfits or something. Not that I have any ideas how much these things cost. I do know it won't be 5k though!

DisforDarkChocolate · 07/01/2023 15:32

We gave £1000 and my son and DIL were delighted.

I think it all depends on if you have other children and your income. I'd never expect as much as you're planning if I knew you were on a limited income.

Why not have an informal chat, they may not expect anything as they are adults with their own home already.

PinkPlantCase · 07/01/2023 15:32

We got 5k from my parents in 2018 and it really helped with wedding costs, payed for the venue and some of the catering.

Actually it made a big difference to the kind of wedding we could have and afford. Meant we didn’t have to cut corners on things that felt important to us.

We were really grateful and I’d hope to be able to do the same for my DC should they want to get married.

I think it’s a lovely thing OP and YANBU at all.

crosstalk · 07/01/2023 15:33

Why don't you ask them? Just say you can't afford much but would like to put towards something they'd like. Some people have honeymoon vouchers where you buy a restaurant meal or an experience.

MissTakenForAnother · 07/01/2023 15:34

I wouldn't give that much but would see if there is something at the wedding you could pay for.

When our son got married we paid for the live band and then gave my son and his wife £500 cash too.

mincepiesandi · 07/01/2023 15:34

Ask them how you can support!

God I'd feel fucking awful if my parents scraped a big random amount of money together like that.

mincepiesandi · 07/01/2023 15:35

Then again, we're not the typical millionaires who tend to reside on mumsnet of course Grin