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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give DSS 5k only for wedding

176 replies

mymonkeymycircus · 07/01/2023 14:35

My DH has a son from previous relationship. DSS mother died years ago and DSS inherited quite a substantial amount. His future wife is from a well off family and both DSS and fiancé have well paid jobs.

They are getting married and we've managed to put 5k together as a gift. Is this enough? We're not well off but want to keep up with expectations.

Is 5k reasonable or AIBU?

OP posts:
wishuponastar1988 · 07/01/2023 16:19

Sorry forgot to add - their 'gift' on the day was an engraved cheeseboard! They were made up Grin

Holly60 · 07/01/2023 16:19

mymonkeymycircus · 07/01/2023 14:48

We're not in any circles. Small house and local government workers nearing retirement.

I've heard others paying for children's weddings and thought there was/is an expectation.

Maybe we should revise to £1000 then.

I'd give as much as you can afford. I'd also find out what her parents are giving and try to match that if you possibly can.

Obviously if you can't then you just give what you can afford.

But in my circles it is usual for parents to give a decent chunk towards the wedding. They can add up!

Fairydustandsparklylights · 07/01/2023 16:20

Op, please don’t revise it down to 1k based on the opinions of strangers. I honestly don’t know anyone who only got 1k from parents towards a wedding. 5k is a great amount. In my circles, we all got 5-10k per side, (some got a lot more) towards the wedding plus a wedding gift on the day.

Holly60 · 07/01/2023 16:21

mymonkeymycircus · 07/01/2023 14:54

So is the expectation that the bride side/parents pays more?

Friends at work have tended to be bride's mother so maybe that's skewed us somewhat.

Feeling more comfortable with £1000 now, so thank you all.

No not usual in my circles - parents tend to try to contribute equally these days.

I genuinely would find out what they are contributing and try to do similar. It makes things way more comfortable.

lunar1 · 07/01/2023 16:21

If £5000 is what you discussed with your husband and a comfortable with then stick with that. Nobody posting knows your financial situation.

Fairydustandsparklylights · 07/01/2023 16:22

mymonkeymycircus · 07/01/2023 14:54

So is the expectation that the bride side/parents pays more?

Friends at work have tended to be bride's mother so maybe that's skewed us somewhat.

Feeling more comfortable with £1000 now, so thank you all.

Definitely not the expectation that the brides family pays more. Were not living in the 1800’s. Parents contribute as equally as possible within their means.

InTheFutilityRoomEatingBiscuits · 07/01/2023 16:22

Jesus I’ll have to get married. Wonder how I can ask my partner’s parents how much they gave his three siblings who are all married? They’ve had five weddings between them so far.

(I don’t have any parents of my own to ask)

I wouldn’t give my own DC anything for a wedding.

Holly60 · 07/01/2023 16:22

Fairydustandsparklylights · 07/01/2023 16:20

Op, please don’t revise it down to 1k based on the opinions of strangers. I honestly don’t know anyone who only got 1k from parents towards a wedding. 5k is a great amount. In my circles, we all got 5-10k per side, (some got a lot more) towards the wedding plus a wedding gift on the day.

I totally agree with this. 1k is not really a lot for a wedding contribution from parents.

Obviously if it's what you can afford then that's different

SeenAndNot · 07/01/2023 16:23

Give what you can afford.

DH’s parents gave us £2000 I think - very generous of them.

knitfastdieyoung · 07/01/2023 16:24

Didn't get a penny towards my wedding, nor would I have expected anything. Honestly, if they are financially secure, I would reduce this sums right down and keep it for your own needs.

1983Louise · 07/01/2023 16:25

Do you know how much the wedding is costing, my daughter had a wedding package costing 8k and we gave her 2k towards it. We split it 4 ways, 2k from three sets of parents (step) and the couples contribution. We could afford to contribute, please don't over stretch yourselves. Have a lovely wedding day 😊

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 07/01/2023 16:26

Why can't they pay for their own wedding??

Clarich007 · 07/01/2023 16:27

Do you feel obliged to offer 5k because they are well off.?
It seems an awful lot to me. We tend to give £50

StrawberryWater · 07/01/2023 16:33

I got £200 from my MIL and my mothers cookbook collection. I couldn’t have been happier! Both were very generous (especially as some of my mums cookbooks are rare and she told my older sisters she’d be buried with them before she gave them up haha).

I hope you don’t feel obligated to give such a large amount op. Help out if you want to, and if you can without it negatively impacting your own finances, but don’t do it because you think it’s expected of you. I find that really sad.

Merryoldgoat · 07/01/2023 16:34

DH and I had various contributions to our wedding from family but it was entirely unexpected and we’d intended to pay for it all ourselves.

PIL gave us £500 which was very very welcome but extravagant.

I would ask them if there’s anything they would particularly like and if not give them £500-£1000

ginslinger · 07/01/2023 16:40

we got married in 1990 and my parents paid for the wedding reception (35 guests, lunch, wine, champagne and drinks) my PILS gave us £4000 -

RoseMarigoldViolet · 07/01/2023 16:44

I think it seems a bit much, to be honest.

Abigail69 · 07/01/2023 16:59

"enaough" for what?

We are not rich but gave/spent thousands on all kids wedding and more recently gifted several hundred k's to all three kids as they did not ask for it

going back to you op - sensible, decent gift for any family memeber and this is a good amount for a DSS/D imo, 500 is good and 1k is really good - some people will never be happy and compare with others thats there choice - if i had a dss, 500, poss 700

Recently, half sister got married - 1k in cash and another couple of hundred in small gift.

Lozzybear · 07/01/2023 16:59

We got £6k towards our wedding. PIL gave us the same. My mum then gave me an extra £1k towards my dress as I went over budget!

PizzaPizza56 · 07/01/2023 17:03

I don't want any money from parents or PILs for our wedding. If my dad wants to stick some money behind the bar on the day, I wouldn't say no to that. Giving money specifically for a wedding creates all sorts of obligations. No thanks!

Twentyfirstcenturymumma · 07/01/2023 17:04

There are legalities associated with giving money to children...this may be helpful
www.standardlife.co.uk/articles/article-page/financial-gifts-grandchildren#:~:text=In%20reality%2C%20you%20can%20gift,you're%20giving%20away%20cash.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 07/01/2023 17:08

If you think 5k is enough and you can afford it then it's enough
If you think 5k is what is expected and you can't afford it then no don't do it.
It's no one else's business

Newlifestartingatlast · 07/01/2023 17:12

HMRC consider £5000 as reasonable from one parent. Up to this much is exempt from potential IHT and defined as the value allowed. You husband , the DS child , can give that. As a step child you don’t get that same allowance ( unless formal adopted)
you could though both theoretically give the additional £3000 allowed as annual exemption….

so asa wedding present that seems fine from dad. Maybe you could give a little additional actual present that is more personal chosen by you to give in the day if you feel £5k cash is a bit underwhelming

but seems like pretty typical as far as HMRC concerned

euff · 07/01/2023 17:14

5k is a lovely gift and I've known people get nothing and a hell of a lot more. O would tell them or give it to them early as it may help them with their wedding planning and budgeting. If you are denying yourself things to do it then I would re think. Also would you like to be in a position to make gifts in the future if grandchildren come along etc?

Algor1thm · 07/01/2023 17:15

It really depends how much you can afford and what you want to give. DH and I were very lucky that our parents paid for almost all of our wedding between them. It wasn't something we expected, but they discussed it between themselves and offered and we gratefully accepted. We didn't have a very expensive wedding so it was extremely generous but not bank breaking. If you want to do that, how kind of you and how lucky for them. If you don't, then don't. No one can tell you how much to give and there is no standard amount... some give nothing and some very well off people pay for a full £50k wedding I'm sure.

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