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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give DSS 5k only for wedding

176 replies

mymonkeymycircus · 07/01/2023 14:35

My DH has a son from previous relationship. DSS mother died years ago and DSS inherited quite a substantial amount. His future wife is from a well off family and both DSS and fiancé have well paid jobs.

They are getting married and we've managed to put 5k together as a gift. Is this enough? We're not well off but want to keep up with expectations.

Is 5k reasonable or AIBU?

OP posts:
cucumberegg · 07/01/2023 17:21

My parents gave me £5000 then paid for my dress (£3500), DH dad gave us £1000 (he lives alone and v diff financial situation to my parents though)

AlmostAJillSandwich · 07/01/2023 17:22

If i get married i wouldn't accept money from parents/in laws. My wedding, i pay for it!

Bananalanacake · 07/01/2023 17:28

Did you give them money towards their house. My parents gave me money towards my first flat so it's abit cheeky to expect more money for a fancy party. As it happened we had a register office wedding with 2 guests, then called my parents and told them on the way home, they were delighted they didn't have to travel (I live abroad).

TerfOnATrain · 07/01/2023 17:31

SO224350 · 07/01/2023 14:39

I bought my daughter and son in law a dishwasher, and feel mean now!

Don’t! I got a washing machine from my parents and DH got nothing from his.

ButtonMoonLoon · 07/01/2023 17:32

I wouldn’t give money, but instead would think of a really special, meaningful gift. Given their financial situation this is likely to mean far more to them.
Maybe some cuff links or a tie clip/ bracket made from his Mother’s jewellery if anyone in the family has access to any.

Littlepaws18 · 07/01/2023 17:32

I think your original sum was fine! My MIL gave us £4000 towards my day, my parents gave a similar amount. That paid for the reception and my dress and flowers. It massively helped and meant we weren't left in debt after our day. Not that we expected and financial help.

rookiemere · 07/01/2023 17:34

My DPs paid for our wedding. It was £10k 17 years ago and DHs family were unable to contribute.

I'd say give what you can comfortably afford as a cheque. Don't tie yourselves in knots paying for something specific, but I do think if you can afford it then a lump sum is a great thing to give.

JustDrama · 07/01/2023 17:37

My mum got sister the wedding dress and dad (they divorced) gave £2k. I don't think it's so much of a big deal anymore.

LoveAHolidayOrTwo · 07/01/2023 17:37

My DM and my PIL’s gave us £1000 towards our wedding 27 years ago. It helped us so much.

If you can definitely afford the £5000 then it’s really kind of you but don’t go without things yourself.

QueSyrahSyrah · 07/01/2023 17:42

OP there isn't a standard and of course it depends what you can afford and are comfortable with, but my Mum & Stepdad gave us the same amount for our wedding; it was very unexpected but we were very, very grateful as it allowed us to add a few bits to the wedding we might otherwise have skimped on (a nice car instead of a taxi, extra Prosecco for arrival and toasts so it never ran dry, etc).

Importantly they asked for nothing in return in terms of control or decision making, but we did invite my Stepdad's Dad as we knew he'd appreciate that gesture - he probably wouldn't have been on our list otherwise.

I think it's a lovely gesture if it's an amount that won't have an impact on you to gift.

MrNorrell · 07/01/2023 17:47

£5k seems absolutely loads. I have quite a lot of friends who've gotten married over the past year and I don't think anyone got anywhere near that amount!

I'm getting married next month and not expecting to get anything from my parents.

Marthaandthemuffins · 07/01/2023 17:48

That’s a very generous gift from you both.

There are some very odd responses OP, ignore them. You sound very kind.

AlbertaAnnie · 07/01/2023 17:48

I think it’s kind and generous as long as it’s affordable most couples save for their own nowerdays but if you can help and you want to I see no reason why not. My parents gave me £1000 and I was happy. Would they perhaps prefer the money toward a deposit on a house? Ask them!

ihaveopinions · 07/01/2023 17:51

What does it matter what others - randoms on the internet - have been given for their weddings? We don't know their financial circumstances or culture. There is no set amount or expectation so even if you can afford £5K you don't have to give that much. If they're well off and you're not why would they expect that of you?

It would be better to buy them something specific - gift or experience or service wise for a lot less than that, £1000 maybe.

Blossomtoes · 07/01/2023 17:53

When my Dss got married we paid for the photographer. His mum paid for the cake. Her mum paid for the flowers. Nobody contributed anything like £5k.

PurpleButterflyWings · 07/01/2023 17:53

As others have said, this is a silly question. Hmm Many people will find £5000 a lot, and many couples will be thrilled to get that from their parents.

Many couples I know - are already living together, been together 4-5 years or more, both got successful jobs/careers, had between £1000 and £3500 from their parents as a cash gift, (or the parents bought the wedding dress, cake, and tiara, and flowers etc. They are very happy with that! Who gives £5000 and questions if it's enough? Confused

DelilahBucket · 07/01/2023 17:53

Well that's a darned sight more than we got for four sets of parents (don't even get me started on what they gave our other siblings, there was only my dad who tried to make it fair and gave us equal amounts, although my sister got married 23 years before me so that same amount wasn't really worth the same).

I think getting anything towards your wedding these days is a rarity and you have to plan within your own budget.

JocelynBurnell · 07/01/2023 17:55

So DSS inherited quite a substantial amount and both DSS and fiancée have well paid jobs.

But you are not well off. You have managed to put £5k together to give them. Yet, you are now asking if this is enough.

In these circumstances, I think your DSS and fiancée can pay for their wedding themselves. A wedding gift of £500-£1000 is more than generous.

Teddybear00 · 07/01/2023 17:55

More than enough! I got absolutely nothing from my family + a no show & they see nothing wrong with it. Your very kind!

User4873628 · 07/01/2023 17:59

Dh's parents paid for fizz on arrival at the wedding reception venue and the drinks at our meal. Not the bar all night long, hut the wine on the tables.

Maybe offer to pay for a specific thing if you're feeling uncertain about a number?

Montybrie62 · 07/01/2023 18:01

Whatever you give should be accepted graciously… ❤️

Itloggedmeoutagain · 07/01/2023 18:02

cucumberegg · 07/01/2023 17:21

My parents gave me £5000 then paid for my dress (£3500), DH dad gave us £1000 (he lives alone and v diff financial situation to my parents though)

3500 for a dress
That's insane

I obviously move in different circles to you

Wetblanket78 · 07/01/2023 18:03

5k is a lot if your not well off yourself and they are high earners. I don't think they would expect that much. But could offer to pay for the flowers or the bridesmaids dresses or a night in the honeymoon suite if wedding reception is in a hotel. My mum paid for my dress (£300) from a shop that sold pre worn dresses. Because that's what she could afford. But don't see yourselves short to feel like you have to contribute a large amount.

Kissedbyfire1 · 07/01/2023 18:04

I’m MoG and I paid for the photographer at DS1’s wedding. The MoB paid for the flowers and the couple paid for everything else themselves.

Username6194 · 07/01/2023 18:05

Some give nothing. Some pay for the entire wedding. Most give somewhere inbetween

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