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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give DSS 5k only for wedding

176 replies

mymonkeymycircus · 07/01/2023 14:35

My DH has a son from previous relationship. DSS mother died years ago and DSS inherited quite a substantial amount. His future wife is from a well off family and both DSS and fiancé have well paid jobs.

They are getting married and we've managed to put 5k together as a gift. Is this enough? We're not well off but want to keep up with expectations.

Is 5k reasonable or AIBU?

OP posts:
Matildahoney · 07/01/2023 14:47

My dad paid for my dress, my mum paid for the 2 bridesmaid dresses and my in laws paid for the flowers. We didn't get gifts as well.

Whendovescry03 · 07/01/2023 14:48

That's loads! My entire wedding cost £5k. If they want something more extravagant then they need to make sure they can pay for it. A lot of people don't get any contributions from relatives at all.

Original poster
mymonkeymycircus · 07/01/2023 14:48

We're not in any circles. Small house and local government workers nearing retirement.

I've heard others paying for children's weddings and thought there was/is an expectation.

Maybe we should revise to £1000 then.

OP posts:
SO224350 · 07/01/2023 14:48

@Reugny compared to everyone else's gifts here! We could probably have spent more but we aren't really a family for giving elaborate gifts. it was something they wanted and has indeed brought harmony 😂

They had a very low key register office service during covid. No reception or honeymoon just wanted to be married.

Glitterbiscuits · 07/01/2023 14:49

Seems crazy to me.
Unless you are very rich.

A wedding doesn't need to cost a huge amount if they want something expensive that's their issue.

Doidontimmm · 07/01/2023 14:50

My parents gave me £5000 and PIL £500, absolutely delighted with both as unexpected and a lovely surprise. Equally as delighted with both as know both were what they could afford.

Lmgify · 07/01/2023 14:50

My MIL gave us £20 for our wedding so I think £5k is plenty

Bouncebacker · 07/01/2023 14:50

I don’t think there are expectations from parental gifts for weddings OP - I would say don’t worry about what fiancés parents will do if they are in a different financial category- I would expect DSS and partner won’t be expecting anything. For context, my Mum put in a huge amount of effort and thought for our wedding and gave us a gift worth about £150 - we were delighted. DHs parents paid for the champagne and wine at the wedding as their gift - we were very thankful for that.

if it’s a challenge for you and the money would be best used elsewhere for you, and you know the couple are not short of cash - then just ask them what they would like - “we would like to give you a gift as we are so pleased you are getting married - is there something you would like? Or perhaps there is a way we can contribute to the wedding?”

Mañanarama · 07/01/2023 14:51

Our parents both contributed to our wedding; we were very grateful and will do the same for our children when/if the time comes.

I think I’d tell them you have some money saved for them, get an idea of whether they need financial help. If it’s all in hand you can offer to pay for their honeymoon or all the booze or something like that.

bakewellbride · 07/01/2023 14:51

Our entire wedding cost £2.5k!

gogohmm · 07/01/2023 14:51

It's not as common for the groom's family to pay anything! Helping with the costs by paying for the wine for the table or paying for the groom, best man and ushers suit hire (or buy) is common. A gift of £1000 is generous, £5k is extraordinarily generous. If a couple can't afford a flashy wedding why are they having one (it costs around £1000 for a basic wedding)

ittakes2 · 07/01/2023 14:52

If they are well off I don't think they would expect you to give that much if you are struggling.
My m'n'law offered to pay for our photos as our present. She is not well off so we thanked her but never gave her a bill. Are they having a dinner the night before? Maybe offer to pay for that as I doubt that would come to £5,000 and it is a bit more meaningful than just giving the cash.

FeinCuroxiVooz · 07/01/2023 14:52

There's no "standard" ffs. Some families, £100 is an amazingly generous gift. other families, £20,000 is pocket change.

don't put yourself into hardship, so don't give so much that you can't afford to be comfortable yourselves. but then give generously from the money that would otherwise be spent on luxuries and fripperies.

Original poster
mymonkeymycircus · 07/01/2023 14:54

So is the expectation that the bride side/parents pays more?

Friends at work have tended to be bride's mother so maybe that's skewed us somewhat.

Feeling more comfortable with £1000 now, so thank you all.

OP posts:
Whichwhatnow · 07/01/2023 14:55

DH's dad and stepmum gave us £500 which we were delighted with and didn't expect (they're well off, but as cohabiting working adults in our mid 30s it just didn't cross our minds that we should expect a gift for formalising our relationship!). My parents gave nothing money wise but helped with the catering etc for the reception. I don't think there's a set rule at all - £1000 sounds very generous to me and I'm sure your DSS will be very appreciative!

misskatamari · 07/01/2023 14:56

It’s very kind of you to consider this, but honestly I would say, give what you can afford without it being difficult. If you’re having to scrimp and save together to give the money, and leaving yourself without savings, then you’re giving too much.

I don’t think there’s an expectation nowadays of parents to pay for weddings. If they want to contribute or give a gift towards it, that is lovely. But DSS and his fiancée should be planning a day they can afford, and not expecting anything imo. I’m sure any contribution will be much appreciated but 5 grand is a huge chunk of money, and from what you’ve written I would probably decrease that by a fair amount (eg if you can afford £1000 that still seems more than generous)

Glitterbiscuits · 07/01/2023 14:56

No, I think the expectation these days is that adults pay for their own wedding.

Favouritefruits · 07/01/2023 14:58

Grooms parents usually pay for the honeymoon whilst brides pay for the wedding. I know most people pay for their own weddings and honeymoons these days but you could say here’s £5k for your honeymoon and if they want to add to they can. I think £5k is the standard from parents for wedding and I’m certainly not wealthy or from a wealthy background.

titchy · 07/01/2023 15:00

Personally I think a wedding gift, and parental help towards wedding costs are two separate things. The former you are really obliged to do, and can range from a nice photo frame if you're hard up, to paying for all inclusive in Bali if you're not. The contribution towards the wedding is not at all an expectation, but if you want to contribute something then you need to talk to them and find out what their needs and budget are.

If you have £5k you want to hand over you / they might prefer it if you say paid £4k for the bar and/or food and you gave them a new dishwasher and washing machine as presents. Alternatively they may not need any of the wedding paying for in which case entirely up to you what you spend on a gift.

WinkleTinkle · 07/01/2023 15:00

My mum and dad gave me and my 4 sisters 5k each, they said it was going to be money for weddings however as they didnt think that would ever happen for us they gave it for us to spend on what we wanted. It was not something we would ever ask for or expect. Give what you can afford & want to. Anything should be seen as a bonus

Michellexxx · 07/01/2023 15:01

I think that’s very generous. My mum paid towards my dress, which was a lot for her.
my husbands side gave us about 4k (separated parents) and they’re very well off. His uncle also gave us 2k as a gift that we used towards honeymoon. But he’s very wealthy too.

So I think 5k would be incredibly generous! I’d revise it down and hand over with a bottle of fizz .

C8H10N4O2 · 07/01/2023 15:01

mymonkeymycircus · 07/01/2023 14:54

So is the expectation that the bride side/parents pays more?

Friends at work have tended to be bride's mother so maybe that's skewed us somewhat.

Feeling more comfortable with £1000 now, so thank you all.

The tradition of the brides family paying for most of the wedding dates back to the days of dowries and women being property. In reality adults will plan and budget for their own weddings, parents on both sides may contribute if the can and if they wish to.

It sounds as if your DSS/fiance are better off financially than you are so budget accordingly. If they don't really need it now but are planning a family you could give a more affordable amount now and hold back the rest for future grandchildren (or your own needs as you get older).

Furrydogmum · 07/01/2023 15:02

I paid the venue deposit of £2000, the brides parents are giving £5000 and and I have a "just in case they need it" pot set aside. My son and future dil are saving hard themselves for the difference. Do what you are comfortable with, everyone has different circumstances.

FromTheFront2theBack · 07/01/2023 15:02

Both our parents were reasonably well off when we got married. They both contributed to the tune of under 1k each. DH and I were grateful for the contribution. I would have been absolutely mortified if they'd had to save up or significantly go without because we were getting married.

What was more significant to me from my parents was that they welcomed DH into the family, got to know him. I didn't really expect them to be super excited about the wedding and discuss it endlessly but just be happy for us, maybe be prepared to help a little on the day (my mum drove to pick up two elderly relatives so they could come, DH's dad put up DH's cousin who would struggle to pay for a hotel).

Maytodecember · 07/01/2023 15:03

mymonkeymycircus · 07/01/2023 14:42

We have no other children so this is it.

Then it’s a great present. No qualms over one child getting more than another either.

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