To wonder why some men stay single?

[Tandees]

i had one of those moments yesterday where you thank your lucky stars you didn’t leave the house looking like shit. I was stood in the queue at Pret when I bumped into an old ‘ex’ of sorts. I was 18 when I met him at Uni, he was a 24 year old postgrad, played rugby, absolutely to die for. We had a very intense ‘friends with benefits’ situation for years. Didn’t see anyone else, did a lot together and he was just wonderful. I never pursued a relationship because he always gave the impression he didn’t want one. I broke off the arrangement 5 years later, by which time I was head over heels and heartbroken. Messed me up for a while but I later married a lovely uncomplicated man and am very lucky and happy with 2 children.

Fast forward, he’s just as gorgeous, very successful and single. We had a coffee and a nice catch up. He suggested meeting again but I declined and wished him well. Frankly I wouldn’t trust myself and I was amazed at how wildly attracted I was to him, but I guess that’s nostalgia for you.

I am however baffled that he’s never committed to anyone, even for a short time. I’m curious about this. He was raised by a single mother (who was an incredible self made woman who I met a few times and was absolutely in awe of) and had a dad who really did the dirty on them and he didn’t have much to do with them. I don’t know what the point of this thread is but I suppose I’m just curious about people who remain single. I don’t think for a moment that ‘coupled up’ people are happier necessarily but he was an incredibly affectionate, kind and enormously charismatic man. I’m surprised he wasn’t snapped up.

So many judgments on here about what must be 'wrong' with him! I find it very sad that the majority of posters see it that way.

Yes, apparently single people STILL are viewed as broken people.
No wonder so many people stay in unhealthy relationships.

I wonder if society ever moves on.

I have never married and have spent a lot of time without a SO in my life. I like to do what I want when I want and that is not compatible with relationships in my experience (although a lot of men of my acquaintance operate like this). I have been accused of being selfish, but IMO it is much more selfish to get into a relationship with someone and then refuse to compromise with them about things.

And yes, lots of people see this as broken, but I think it is much less healthy to be so dependent on others you cant live by yourself, or so uncaring you expect others to just do what you want all the time.

I would speculate (and it is speculation!) he is leaning towards an avoident attachment style. But that's bit to say there's anything abnormal about him. I think 20-20 pc of people are more avoident and tend to operate more independently (high self sufficiency etc). But that's not to say they're sad loners etc. I also read they were as happy out of a couple as in a couple, compared to securely/anxiously attached people and are often charismatic, capable and confident. I think generally if you want a relationship and you are in your mid-late 30s, unless there's a reason (divorce/widowhood etc) you tend to either seek one out or be in one. I've dated men in their late 30s/early 30s and there seems to be a disproportionately high number of men with short-lived or superficial relationships who clearly could've coupled up. I don't think they wanted to. I don't think they ever will, hence the dating merry-go-round.

Probably for the same reason some women do. Not everyone needs to be in a couple to be fulfilled. Some people value their independence and freedom.

It is truly depressing how people will stay in shit relationships because they view it as preferable to being alone. I know someone whose marriage was ending as her husband had met someone else and was leaving for the OW, and she offered him an open marriage, said he could shag the OW as much as he liked, but just remain married to her in name, so that she’d still have the status of being married. Utterly pathetic.

My ds is 33 and single, had a few relationships, one lengthy that ended when ds didn't want to live together. Suspect he may always be single. He's successful, great career, lots of friends (most with partners), nice house and car etc. Truth is he's happy with his life as it is and enjoys time alone. He says by the time he's finished with work and socialising the last thing he wants is to go home and have somebody else there. He's just spent six months working away from home which wasn't a problem for him as he didn't have anyone else to consider and there are likely to be more opportunities to work away from home both in the UK and around the world that he will want to grab with both hands. He dates when he feels like it but always ends it if he thinks the other person wants more than he does. So long as he's happy then I am happy for him tbh

In my experience there are two types of long term single men. First there's the sort like this bloke who are good looking and know it, and because they are never short of options they never feel any need to settle. Then there's the other kind - the blokes who don't have casual partners or proper relationships of any sort, usually they have a lack of self confidence. Both types tend to be very independent, sometimes to the point of being solitary.

I forgot to write that if single people have something wrong with them and that’s why they aren’t in relationship, then by that lohic it would be fair to say that coupled up people are co-dependent.

See, doesn’t sound very nice, does it?
And it’s so rude also.

What a thread.

So many women on here are able to diagnose "men" (not some men, many men or a number of men, it's all of them apparently...) as having the same wants, desires and pleasures in life.

They are abusive, failures, ugly or cheats if they (all men, remember) don't want to be in a long term relationship.

We've also learned that "most men" want children, too. Contrary to what I, and DH, know of our friends, family, colleagues etc.

It's good to see how much MN, en masse, knows about men that apparently they don't know about themselves. It must be great to be so sure of your own opinions that they actually become 'fact' rather than, well, just opinions.

Really interesting viewpoints. I’ve read about avoidant attachment. Think I was a bit like that at one point on reflection actually 🤔 I think this is it. He hadn’t changed at all, perhaps I haven’t either and we actually always stay the same throughout our lives. He was very affectionate and considerate, was such a head fuck at the time and if I could go back I’d never have met him. Over it now (doesn’t seem like it I know 🤣) but hard to convey in writing on an anonymous forum.

Was just such a shock to see him again I think. Thanks for all the comments

When I first met him, he used to say he’d never get married because he didn’t believe in it after what his dad did

Well you kind of have your answer.

I got to know a foreign student in a shared house who reacted like that too, to his father's infidelity and "abandoning" of him and his Mum. He wasn't old then and i have no idea if he's changed his mentality but he was utterly utterly opposed to/evasive of any commitment. He would never get into relationships, just take whatever romantic and sexual opportunities he got and be clear he was not one iota interested in a relationship. He even sought out/seemed to specialise in attached young women - because he didn't want them expecting a relationship from him and thought they were "safer" as such.

It's a strange reaction because his Dad/they'd Dad's ie their sex is the one that's fine the cheating and abandoning .... So you could say that they shouldn't distrust women ... It's up to whether they trust themselves, and surely they'd not want to act like their Dad .. so why are they so down on marriage/serious relationships.

Do they think noone had any self determination or self awareness and it'll always end up falling apart.

*It's a strange reaction because his Dad/theyir Dads i.e. their sex is the one that's done the cheating and abandoning

I think some things can have a huge impact on your psyche when you're a child/youth. Things shatter your world as such, they are traumatic and people end up with this rather extreme view; my family fell apart so families will always fall apart.

More moderate people might alter that viewpoint as they get more mature however.

If he has not avd that's a major reason for him not settling with anyone to date; it suggests a type of immaturity or inability to amend/moderate his thinking (?)

This! I do find it extraordinary when people struggle to even conceive the idea that others may want a different life to the one they have chosen for themselves!

Because they want to do what they want, when they want

They don't want to have to answer to anybody else, they are totally free

Thirty three years ago my parents split up and my dad has been single ever since. His life is all about him, he just does whatever he feels like whenever he wants and I can understand that

Not everybody needs to be in a relationship

This

I know many who are almost/over 40 when they finally settled down (some never have) so he still seems 'young'- they just wanted to do other things in life first and a relationship isn't a high priority. I think a lot of people are just settling down later now or recognising you can take many other paths in life than a traditional one. Maybe bump into him in 10-15 years and give us an update then!

Lots of men like this. I can think of at least 5 range from 35 to 50+ anyone under 35 still single there is time to settle down but these men are just happy being single. They aren't players or damaged or from broken homes. They just prefer the single life.

I don't know as many single women. Seems to be more of a stigma.

OP you mentioned that you were surprised he hadn't been "snapped up" like he's a great bargain in the middle aisle of Lidl. He has autonomy and choice. Maybe there were a queue of women, like you, who would have snapped him up but he chooses a different route. That's allowed. It only makes him shitty and selfish if he chooses that AFTER marrying and having children and then buggers off. Given that's what his dad did, yes it's entirely feasible that he didn't want to risk doing that.

I have been single most of my adult life. Dated lots in my 20s but became less and less frequent as others settled down and I didn't. I would have loved to have experienced real, lasting love and have spent many hours wondering what's 'wrong' with me. The longer you are single the harder it becomes to adapt to a relationship and I've now reconciled myself to the fact (at 50) that its not going to happen for me and to make the most of my life which is v blessed in so many other ways. I'm not sure its that different for single men.

If people in long term relationships were brutally honest, I'm sure many would admit it's not 'real lasting love' that holds them in their partnership. That often tends to be a romantic euphemism for a practical, mutually beneficial, pooling of resources, sustained due to habit, convenience and responsibility for children. A lot of marriages are far less about something being 'right' as oppose to 'wrong' with the people concerned and more to do with meeting a satisfactory person with similar life goals at the right time, and an understanding that most of us can more easily achieve some of our life goals in partnership.
I'm not so cynical as to dismiss the notion of love, some people make us so happy and meet our needs so well we love them very much. My point is, not needing or finding this from another person is not a personal failing or a pathology, as has been implied on here, and is not unique to single people.

Thank you @5128gap that was incredibly eloquently put.