To wonder why some men stay single?

[Tandees]

i had one of those moments yesterday where you thank your lucky stars you didn’t leave the house looking like shit. I was stood in the queue at Pret when I bumped into an old ‘ex’ of sorts. I was 18 when I met him at Uni, he was a 24 year old postgrad, played rugby, absolutely to die for. We had a very intense ‘friends with benefits’ situation for years. Didn’t see anyone else, did a lot together and he was just wonderful. I never pursued a relationship because he always gave the impression he didn’t want one. I broke off the arrangement 5 years later, by which time I was head over heels and heartbroken. Messed me up for a while but I later married a lovely uncomplicated man and am very lucky and happy with 2 children.

Fast forward, he’s just as gorgeous, very successful and single. We had a coffee and a nice catch up. He suggested meeting again but I declined and wished him well. Frankly I wouldn’t trust myself and I was amazed at how wildly attracted I was to him, but I guess that’s nostalgia for you.

I am however baffled that he’s never committed to anyone, even for a short time. I’m curious about this. He was raised by a single mother (who was an incredible self made woman who I met a few times and was absolutely in awe of) and had a dad who really did the dirty on them and he didn’t have much to do with them. I don’t know what the point of this thread is but I suppose I’m just curious about people who remain single. I don’t think for a moment that ‘coupled up’ people are happier necessarily but he was an incredibly affectionate, kind and enormously charismatic man. I’m surprised he wasn’t snapped up.

i had one of those moments yesterday where you thank your lucky stars you didn’t leave the house looking like shit.

Loved your opening line op 😀

I wonder if it is his family background.

I've noticed a few men from "broken homes" with fairly absent fathers - especially if their mum didn't get into a lasting, successful subsequent relationship - not settle in any traditional way.

They have no road map, as such, of coupledom.

This too.

I dont have relationships at all. I dont want to have to share anyone's irritating ways. I was married twice snd it was just so much hard work. Other people just have sooo many needs. I'm happy just me and my cats.

I despair when I read threads like this. My DD is not, and does not ever want to be in a relationship. She is perfectly social, attractive, financially independent and owns her own house. Both me and her Dad have been happily married for over 30 years and her brother is in a long term relationship.
People can be single and happy through choice, they don’t have to be odd, ugly or antisocial nor do they have to come from a dysfunctional family.

Maybe he doesn't like commitment and would rather just FWB situations.

Body building, fitness, mgtow, red pill, incel .... Need I go on.

I have never seen the level of true hatred, objectification, disdain, casual viciousness etc on male forums, on here or any woman's forum.

Don't be naive.

Well, look at the posts on this website, marriages have pros and cons. 50% divorce rate tells a story. Plus, the majority (not all) of women want to have kids. If you openly state you won't have kids then that massively reduces the amount of women that would marry you. If you have kids anyway despite not being keen it's a major sacrifice in every way.

Well OP if he can get you to a point of contemplating cheating on your "uncomplicated man" after many years over a coffee I guess he doesn't need to have a relationship to get what he wants. Let's hope for your husband's sake you don't bump into him again...

More widely, people don't have relationships for all sorts of reasons, there is no rulebook after all.

Yeah, even you Dad shatterers monogamy & family life for you - maybe you don't believe in it.

You'd think it could have the opposite effect - not wanting to be like your Dad, bit for some people it clearly just makes them think everyone could be like that, that it's not acheiveable, that it doesn't work etc.

Or maybe he thinks he's like his dad and doesn't want to do that to his kids.

*Yeah, when you Dad shatters monogamy ...

.....had a dad who really did the dirty on them and he didn’t have much to do with them.....
He probably takes after his father.

^I thought this. Perhaps he wants to avoid inflicting the same pain. Good for him. If he’s as lovely as you say then he can get what he ahem, needs without hurting anyone.

Perhaps he just never met the one.

Perhaps he never wanted children, a tie, a partnership, he may enjoy doing his own thing too much. Perhaps he’s very selfish and realised it.

Good for him.

If you openly state you won't have kids then that massively reduces the amount of women that would marry you

Definitely.

Most want them or wouldn't rule it out.

You're left with a tiny minority, who may even change their mind.

Maybe very young women who aren't hearing the clock ticking .... But, as several men have says to me, young women can be very flaky.

They are even more prone to making the "mistakes" that people make in relationships.... Like cheating. And often have tonnes of opportunities with young single men from college, part-time jobs, hobbies, socialising, social media etc.

but Johnny Depp I’d turn back heterosexual for 😂

Really - men love to claim they age well and women don't but I think.JD is becoming a example of a man not aging well... Puffy, oily, toad like, rough and not in a good way..

Then there's the not entirely one sided shit/abusive mess with Amber Heard... A 25 yr old he dumped his longterm partner and mother of his kids for, she'd reached her 40s and was discarded.

Has he ever had any kids?

😅😅

Because there is absolutely nothing wrong with being single, and for many men and women it is the least stressful option. What an odd question!

Haha...very true. The two happiest people I know (one male and in his 40s, the other female in her late 30s) are both unmarried.

Men remain single for the same reason record numbers of women now remain single – because it's socially acceptable. Also, because we live longer, and in better health, which means we're not so reliant on a partner. Until very recently, people met their life partner at 18 or 20, had kids at 24 or 25, then died in their late 60s or early 70s. If you'd made a bad choice (like both my sets of grandparents, who had awful marriages yet stuck it out for fifty years), too bad.

There has been a lot of talk recently about medical advances leading to radical life extension. Some predict lifespans of 130, or even 150. Soon there will be senolytic drugs, for example, and possibly medical nanotech. All this stuff is coming, it's just a question of when. I often wonder what will happen to marriage/monogamy if we ever do extend life. I mean radically extend it (150, 200, etc). One of the main reasons people marry and have kids is the fear of dying alone. We all want loving and supportive people round us as we age. But what happens if we don't age? Or age much more slowly? (Of course, climate change and overpopulation will probably bring everything crashing down, but it's an interesting thought experiment.)

I wouldn't say guys remain single so they can sleep around. I can think of several single men in their 30s and 40s who hardly bother with dating and sex. Porn has definitely had a major impact. A lot of men find it easier to masturbate. God knows what will happen if we develop VR sex and sex robots.

I also wonder if people have lower sex drives than they used to. Stress is a notorious libido killer, and life is more stressful than ever. Modern Britain is noisy and crowded, the traffic is hellish, fields are being replaced by housing estates, and we spend much of our lives staring at flashing screens. Chuck in 24 hour bad news AND social media and it's no wonder people are having less sex.

I know a man like this. In his 20s he was very attractive, had his pick of women but always kept them in the FWB category - mostly because he always thought secretly that he was a great catch and they were all out to 'trap' him. Unfortunately, they all did what you've done OP, and met other men and settled down and started families. The original guy will now be 50 this year and now uses seedy apps to meet women, 'no strings attached'. Yuk.

I wonder if your guy is much like his father, and can't be bothered with a commitment. Personality traits can be inherited.

Our son is in mid 20s . Lives being single . Gets approached by women all
rhe time . He is very happy being single . Wants the freedom to work abroad soon. Feels he would be in relationship only if they added to his life and at the mo its full. Good career. Great mates . Competitive sport . Freedom to travel .
he is getting broody tho !

My cousin is the same. She is 38 and has never had a relationship. I don't know whether she is a virgin or not (and I don't want to know – it's none of my business), but she's the happiest person in my family. She's a hell of a lot happier than most of my married friends, that's for sure. Some people are happily married of course. If you're with the right person, and find it easy to live together, enjoy the same things, etc, then great. But for a hell of a lot of people (probably the majority) living with someone is just too hard. People no longer have to accept bad relationships. And thank god. Both my sets of grandparents were in nightmare marriages. Both stuck it out to the bitter end. Why? Because they'd grown up in a world where divorce, being single, etc, made you an oddity and outcast.

a man posted that there will be in generations to come a cohort of childfree, single old women with nothing but their cats and a lot of expensive make up and Insta pics of far flung holidays to show for all their life endeavours and hoardes of women replied along the lines of "Where and how can I sign up for that!!?" "Sounds amazing!" so in some regard women have become a lot more savvier and braver in their life choices
said man presumably still clinging to the notion that a woman's highest priority is to get a man and that men are an asset to women

The original guy will now be 50 this year and now uses seedy apps to meet women, 'no strings attached'. Yuk.

Lots of people of both sexes (obv, since women are using them to meet him) use those apps. Why yuk?

I wondered this. I could always accept my parents for what they were: alcoholics and ultimately this was wrong and disordered so I knew I had to be ‘better’.

Like I said upthread, I greatly admired his Mum. She was so kind to me and I was inspired by the way she got on without his father and established a successful business. She was an excellent mother and on reflection I think my younger self was very drawn to/fascinated by ‘good mothers’, possibly because mine was so crap. she never remarried and she once told me that after his father left (when she was pregnant in her mid 40’s unexpectedly and set up a new family with another woman, no less) that she “never wanted him to grow up with a new man in the house. My mum had boyfriend after boy friend in the house while I was growing up and this a comment I never forgot.

In response to a few comments - I can’t be clearer on this - I’m not remotely interested in rekindling here - but I’d be surprised if every married/cohabiting person could genuinely say they’d never met anyone who they thought ‘hmm you’re nice’ about. I have never so much as made an inappropriate comment towards another man for the duration of my marriage. DH needn’t worry.

like I said, I have extremely fond memories of this guy and genuinely wish him well and always have done. I don’t think you necessarily stop loving people who once meant something to you, the love doesn’t have to be in a romantic sense. I was merely surprised that he’d never met anyone and I could still sense the insecurity in him, that’s all. That’s all that prompted my question. Of course I understand that some people prefer to live their lives exactly as they choose. When I first met him, he used to say he’d never get married because he didn’t believe in it after what his dad did and I always sensed a sadness around the absence of his father. He was the only person that ‘got’ the complexities around growing up with addicts and I suppose had quite a connection. He used to talk about having kids one day so I suppose I was just surprised to see him again.

I've noticed a few men from "broken homes" with fairly absent fathers - especially if their mum didn't get into a lasting, successful subsequent relationship - not settle in any traditional way.

They have no road map, as such, of coupledom.

I think this is true of women too. If you don’t see your parents modelling a good relationship you will find it harder to form and maintain one.

Maybe he knows he wouldn't stay faithful 🤷‍♀️ or just doesn't want the responsibility.

Not