To wonder why some men stay single?

[Tandees]

i had one of those moments yesterday where you thank your lucky stars you didn’t leave the house looking like shit. I was stood in the queue at Pret when I bumped into an old ‘ex’ of sorts. I was 18 when I met him at Uni, he was a 24 year old postgrad, played rugby, absolutely to die for. We had a very intense ‘friends with benefits’ situation for years. Didn’t see anyone else, did a lot together and he was just wonderful. I never pursued a relationship because he always gave the impression he didn’t want one. I broke off the arrangement 5 years later, by which time I was head over heels and heartbroken. Messed me up for a while but I later married a lovely uncomplicated man and am very lucky and happy with 2 children.

Fast forward, he’s just as gorgeous, very successful and single. We had a coffee and a nice catch up. He suggested meeting again but I declined and wished him well. Frankly I wouldn’t trust myself and I was amazed at how wildly attracted I was to him, but I guess that’s nostalgia for you.

I am however baffled that he’s never committed to anyone, even for a short time. I’m curious about this. He was raised by a single mother (who was an incredible self made woman who I met a few times and was absolutely in awe of) and had a dad who really did the dirty on them and he didn’t have much to do with them. I don’t know what the point of this thread is but I suppose I’m just curious about people who remain single. I don’t think for a moment that ‘coupled up’ people are happier necessarily but he was an incredibly affectionate, kind and enormously charismatic man. I’m surprised he wasn’t snapped up.

Some people are happy in their own company and so don't feel the need to get married, they enjoy sex but don't want to be part of a romantic relationship. I know a few single people in their late 40s who fall into this category, they are honestly leading fab lives and are the people I most envy at this moment in my life!

The majority of men want children.

I actually think the majority of men go along with their partner’s wishes.

Because hr probably gets what most men want (sex, fun company) without giving commitment.

How old is he? A lot of men don't think about/want kids until 40+.

I’d be highly annoyed if I was your husband. You’ve had a coffee with an ex and now he’s so much in your thoughts you’re posting on a forum about him. Not great.
Some men play about and milk the single life for as long as it’s good but in the end men need women more than women need men so most of them will eventually marry someone, probably younger.

Bingo

This happened to a male cousin whose GF said she was on the pill, but stopped without telling him, once they were shacked up together. My view was, he was fifty per cent responsible, he should have insisted on wearing a johnny, but he said 'It doesn't feel the same'. I just rolled my eyes. Give him his due, he loves that kid to bits, and is a really good dad and partner.

Exactly. I'm 52 now and have stayed single through choice. I'm tall, blonde, sporty (still in good shape and give women - and men in my gym - half my age a run for their money), outgoing, earn a 6 figure salary in the City. I've always been described as 'a catch' (awful phrase but you know what I mean). I just never met the right man at the right time and wasn't willing to settle. I was never bothered about children (verging on didn't want them anyway) so had no ticking biological clock to complicate things. I was never willing (still not!) to settle for some man who wanted me to be his mother/housekeeper nor a man who thought he could try to tell me what to do (fatal mistake by any man who tried). I wanted an equal or I'd rather be alone. So I'm single and quite happily so.

Very true. I know of only one man of my acquaintance who actively wanted a child rather than being "persuaded" into it.

Absolutely this. On top of that, while I don’t have daft amounts of money, after years of house ownership/equity accrual and pension contributions I’m damned sure I’m not losing those in a divorce.

From experience @pillow56 I can confirm it's very very easy for a perfectly ordinary nearly 50 year old woman to have sex with any age of man. Take your pick. Yes, even good looking youngsters. Because I don't ask anything else of them, nor do I want anything else of them. That is very appealing for them.

Is it compulsory to be in a relationship? All these years, and no one told me.

To be fair, if my boyfriend in my 30s had asked, I'd have seriously considered it, even though it would have involved moving countries. But I realised he wouldn't actually put me first. I spent most of my 40s entirely single. Now I'm 50, I'm getting to explore areas of my sexuality I probably wouldn't if I were restricted to one person, and it'svery good fun. I've done loads of things I probably wouldn't have, had I been in a relationship, like travelling (i know others do that with a relationship too.) Any mess in the house is mine and only mine.

I'm in a fairly good job, I like my colleagues, I've got lots of friends, do loads of activities, a roof over my head, not too worried about bills, can afford holidays, and currently lots of great sex. Not sure I'd be better off in a relationship, and I suspect many others in a similar situation, men and women, feel similarly.

It's almost like everyone is different, and what works for some doesn't suit all...

This in absolute bloody spades as well. In fact, I had this said about me a little while ago and I’m still bristling about it. Why is a single person’s worth linked to what they can do for or provide to another? Why is it not enough to live my life for ME?

Interesting. I wonder why men, who typically hold the power in their lives with their Big Jobs, higher pay, greater strength, who are more likely to be listened to and to be able to mould the world to their preferences suddenly become such helpless limp lettuces in their relationships?
How do such passive suggestible individuals hold down their jobs and make the important decisions they're trusted with?

That’s kind of embarrassing when you get older though. When most people are married with kids and you’re still acting like a 22 year old. It’s gives me Leo DiCaprio vibes.

Also a mate of mine didnt want commitment. Very much enjoyed fwb for ages. Realised at 35 he wanted commitment (about the time the 25 year olds stopped wanting him) only to find the decent women had been snapped up.

He was still (unhappily) single at 40 and was worriedly starting to accept that most of the women interested in him were divorcees with kids!

My guess is commitment issues from his parents divorce. Most people who grew up with two parents in a happy relationship end up with that themselves.

I agree. If women want just sex, there's a whole Internet full of men wanting to fuck. To be fair, some are execrable, but there are plenty who are good at what they do and enjoy giving pleasure to women. It's probably easier in middle age, because there are no worries about contraceptive failure.

If that is his answer, then that's what op needs to accept. Nothing further to be baffled about, his choice and that's that.

Not that it matters, but hearing "the pool dries up after 35" doesn't make me think he's much of a catch anyway.

There is no one reason why some men remain single.

@ily0

But why is it embarrassing to choose not to be married? At any age?

Why should people who are self-sufficient (financially, socially, emotionally) be made to feel inferior to those who need to be one half of a couple to feel validated?

I don’t know why this particular bloke is unmarried but there are so many positive reasons for remaining single. If coupled people can’t deal with that why is that his problem?

those who need to be one half of a couple to feel validated?

Oh please 🙄 It’s not about feeling “validated”, we are social beings designed to want to form close relationships. Don’t try and act like it’s abnormal to want a relationship. Funny how very few supermodels/attractive female celebrities make the choice to be permanently single if it’s so great.

@ily0 can you really really not understand that whilst 'you' may well 'be a social being who wants a close relationship with another' that other people do not want that?

This is true.
I'm 53 and while not Sandra Bullock I'm not Pauline Fowler either. Every time I go on a night out I can guarantee an (unsolicited and unwanted) offer will be forthcoming from men aged anywhere from early 20s upwards. I'm in a relationship, but were I not, I have not a shred of doubt of my ability to find a younger man for sex. A different one every night if I were that way inclined. And that's without exploring OLD where I'm told if that's what you're after, its like shooting fish in a barrel.

Carol Vorderman has been single for years its not just men who prefer to be single with casual relationships

@ily0

we are social beings designed to want to form close relationships. Don’t try and act like it’s abnormal to want a relationship

Says who?

We are designed (in evolutionary terms) to procreate, that’s true. And most people do need close relationships of some sort. But who decides that everyone needs to be married or cohabiting? That suits some people, others find it claustrophobic and stifling. It’s as individual as people are. Plenty of people find the emotional bonds they need outside of a cohabiting relationship. It’s not for everyone and people shouldn’t be made to feel dysfunctional if it doesn’t work for them.

Society has historically pushed most people into marriage for reasons initially of morality (to control women’s sexuality and fertility), and more recently financial reasons.

That doesn’t mean it’s natural” for people to want to marry. It’s largely societal pressure.

It is indeed hard to understand why anyone so attractive would willingly remain single . . . particularly after you've spent some time reading mumsnet and seen just how much deep joy and contentment people get from marriage. 😆