Why do some parents do this?

[Biscuitbabe87]

I've noticed more often that whilst on public transport, parents with young children handing them tablets playing annoying repetitive music or tv shows(always without headphones)- this morning I've had to endure Dora the explorer for 3 hours! Why on earth do people think this is okay? Or am I being grumpy?

@Thehonestbadger

Just coming to say similar, and not to derail too much from OP, but as mindful as I am of keeping volume to a minimum I'm often on edge in case someone has a problem with my noisy almost-3 year old. Obviously they can't be expected to know he has autism. But I sympathise that they might not want to listen to his 70s disco music choices (even low volume, with him singing along) and be unaware of the screaming alternative.

Short of announcing ourselves and apologising every time we're stuck in a public place with strangers (eg GP waiting room) - I never know what's going to go down best. I don't mind too much what people think or assume but I really don't want to be confronted!

I don't know what I would have done pre-tablets. Probably just sung to him? Not sure there would have been a silent outcome whatever I tried.

Disclaimer: I know this thread isn't about autism. But I always click on these threads with interest to see how we might be coming across to others.

@foxp3

I always click on them because it’s exactly what I’m paranoid about every time we leave the house!

Ive been tempted to have T-shirts printed for my son with IM AUTISTIC on them just so I don’t feel I need to explain myself or feel so hyper aware all the time, not that we should have to explain but still.

I get the argument of ‘yes but most kids don’t have additional needs so you’re the exception’ but actually since having DS I’ve been massively taken a back by just how common ASD and ADHD seems to be in children post covid. I mean, we had no family history on both sides, we never expected it and it certainly isn’t poor parenting (I cringe at how often ASD seems to be thought of as ‘just an excuse for lazy parenting’ honestly it’s the worst and threads like this are always a hot bed for ‘everyone’s autistic nowadays’ kinda comments) my son won’t acknowledge people and is totally non verbal… while my 19mo daughter will hold and conversation with you and say please/thank you no problem 😂

My DD has sensory processing disorder... one of her triggers is other peoples devices (especially repetitive noises).

We used to travel first class so that she could get to the other end without being a shaking mess.

Ds doesn't use devices but does sometimes have noise/music making toddler toys in public places because they keep him calm. . He is 17 so anyone should be able to work out he is severely disabled.

Do you sit at dining tables ignoring your companions and staring at a screen?

Do you yourself stare at a screen while your child stares at theirs? Why bother sitting at a table then?

If you do, that is bad manners and you simply have different standards. That is fair enough but I would find it very rude if you did that at the table.

I hosted an open day for potential new recruits. Those that stared at their phones during the lunch did not do well.

Manners cost nothing.

I'm neuro diverse and so have a 'loud carrying voice I can't control'.
So I imagine I'm exactly the sort of person who gets accused of performance parenting.
My child is not nt either and I don't use screens very much. But if I did I'd be judged for that too.

It would be nice if people were not bitches.

At the end of the day if you’re annoyed hearing a cartoon you would be annoyed hearing them whinging the whole time with no entertainment.

I have a very long journey to visit family via public transport. DD is too young to keep headphones on. I bring games, I read books, we sing songs, she has a nap etc but it’s a long journey and a long time to keep her occupied while cooped up so sometimes she will watch something on a low volume.
Frankly I don’t really care if it annoys someone. It’s quieter than many conversations around us and the people who would get annoyed would also roll their eyes if she was agitated no doubt 🤷‍♀️ you can’t win sometimes.

Sorry to derail but can people please stop saying things like “ADHD/ASD”. They’re not interchangeable. Not even slightly similar.

What would you have done 20 years ago?

'What would you have done 20 years ago?'

What would you do today?

Headphones or sound off only. Sound coming out of phone or tablet in a public place is never acceptable. At any age.

Lived a completely different life, I guess. They'd have gameboys and tamagotchis rather than ipads and smartphones. I remember flying to the Far East with my parents in the late 90s and they had video game consoles in the back of the seats and my older brother had a gameboy. I don't remember my parents spending huge amounts of time interacting with us and that was a 12 hour flight.

Though if I had the ability to travel back in time, I'd probably go back another 100 years or so and outsource my children to nursery maids and governesses while I visited them for a pleasant hour in the afternoon.

I'd do a death roll off the bus if I had to spend 3 hours on it with children, even my own.

You could win if they would wear headphones.

That’s just poor grammar on my part. They’re quite obviously not the same but are both examples of non visible conditions which may make small children unreceptive to ‘neurotypical’ attempts to engage them.

Honestly, it’s because they don’t care. You can’t make them care so best to invest in noise cancelling headphones, as this type of parent seems to be the majority now.

It’s not a straight choice between a toddler moaning and crying for 3 hours or being handed a tablet.

There is a huge middle ground, playing games, reading a story, stickers, water colouring, whatever small lap games are all absorbing and stimulating for small children, easy to pack, easy to put away. Even an audiobook (with headphones) is better than a screen imho.

On a long journey with my kids I’d always aim for at least 2 parts non-screen occupation, the screen time is then a reward. I’d always use headphones or a low volume but then I’m 40+, I think younger people seem more tolerant of phones playing out loud.

Death roll, lol.

I mean to say 2 parts non-screen, 1 part screen in my post above.

My children are adults now, but obviously I travelled with them from babyhood upward, and also my God children, nieces, nephews, etc, I have never driven, so hundreds of hours by bus and train every year. Its time to talk and play together, even with tiny tots.

Exactly. The first iPad was 20 years ago. I don’t recall all trains and planes being full of screaming children before that.

Oh, sitting at a restaurant table with your kids plugged into screens is just unforgivable, sorry but I judge this massively. Ok if your kid is neurodiverse and “needs” it (and you as a parent “need” the time to relax) but otherwise I really think it’s just shitty parenting. Why bother taking your children out for dinner if you’re going to ignore them? How do you ever expect them to learn to sit nicely and chat or keep themselves occupied with a book or stickers if they never get the chance to try it?

@OwwwMuuuum

That's exactly my view.

It's actively teaching your child bad manners.

Many parents definitely can't be arsed talking to their kids or making any effort to interact with their kids. We all have screen time but for many parents this seems to be the only way they can entertain their kids. I fucking hate it and even worse when they're just given mobiles or tablets in restaurants. Kids won't scream and cry if they're being involved in conversations and entertained in other ways. Yes, I'm judging. I hate it and can't see it ever getting any better.

Totally this. I wrote my response without reading yours but 110% agree. text book lazy parenting.

It's not just small kids. I was on the bus yesterday when a teen-ager stinking of cannabis got on and spent the whole journey blasting gangsta music on his phone.