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Original poster

Not collecting child from school

307 replies

holbolbol · 07/01/2023 08:52

There is a court order in place for my DD (aged 5). On Friday, her father should have collected her from school for the weekend. The school rang me half an hour after closing to say that her dad had not collected her. He lives some distance away and luckily I was working from home and came straight away to collect her. I messaged her dad to say he was welcome to collect her from mine.

I strongly suspect this is not an oversight. Her dad has a habit of playing bizarre games like refusing to return her to me and other really malicious things. I suspect that he didn't collect her this weekend as it's his birthday next week and was trying to force a change in arrangements.

We have plans next weekend and I'm so furious he did this. What would you tell him? I need courage to be firm and boundaried because he's so manipulative. Would you say we're not changing weekends?

OP posts:
GracieLouFreeebush · 07/01/2023 12:20

Enko · 07/01/2023 09:01

Yes this.

Show quote history

There is a court order in place. He abandoned a child for 30 minutes not knowing why he wasn’t there, she will have seen all of her friends leave and nobody come for her.

He is an adult, he needs to act like one. If there is an issue he needs to speak to OP/ arrange suitable childcare. Nobody owes him anything.

JohnNutLips · 07/01/2023 12:22

You asked about boundaries and what to tell him OP, just stick to the facts. You messaging him about playing games means he knows he’s got to you - which is probably his aim. Next time just keep it factual and simple:
school rang me today as you failed to collect DD for your weekend. I have collected her. If you don’t contact me to arrange a pick up by xx time then I will assume that you won’t be picking her up this weekend. Your next contact time is xx date, in future please let me know ahead of time if you cannot pick DD up from school to avoid the school needing to get in touch. Thanks.

OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 07/01/2023 12:26

If you think he is going to turn up next week and cause a scene then preempt this by contacting the school. It might be possible to arrange to collect DD earlier or to use a side entrance to avoid confrontation and upset of your daughter.

Your ex asked ‘why do you think it is my weekend?’ Is there any reason why he might be confused? Was the schedule disrupted over Christmas at all, or has the pattern been continuing as normal?

SchnauzerEyebrows · 07/01/2023 12:30

RoyalStallion · 07/01/2023 12:19

As a teacher it’s very difficult to hold a child. If a parent has PR they can collect the child, you can’t legally keep a persons child against their will unless you have a clear and immediate safeguarding concern or proof they don’t have PR. It’s his child.

You either need a very very bomb proof court order in writing (not just every other week for example, but clear dates) or keep the child off.

Oh yes you can if there's a Prohibited Steps court order preventing the parent from collecting them (even if they have parental responsibility!)

titchy · 07/01/2023 12:37

JohnNutLips · 07/01/2023 12:22

You asked about boundaries and what to tell him OP, just stick to the facts. You messaging him about playing games means he knows he’s got to you - which is probably his aim. Next time just keep it factual and simple:
school rang me today as you failed to collect DD for your weekend. I have collected her. If you don’t contact me to arrange a pick up by xx time then I will assume that you won’t be picking her up this weekend. Your next contact time is xx date, in future please let me know ahead of time if you cannot pick DD up from school to avoid the school needing to get in touch. Thanks.

Exactly this. Although I'd add 'in order that dd does not feel distressed that you have not picked her up'.

WestBridgewater · 07/01/2023 12:39

I know it’s easier said than done but the temptation to tell school to ring him would be huge. What if you had made plans and had gone out for the day?

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 07/01/2023 12:40

TulaDoesTheHula · 07/01/2023 08:58

He’s a dick to do that.

To be honest though, if it’s birthday, I think you should have offered to swap weekends right from the beginning and not gone ahead and made plans yourself.

You do mean that as it is his birthday he should have simply called OP and asked if she would mind swapping weekends, don't you?

@holbolbol stopped being his LifePA when he became an ex... and it is as much his responsibility to put his child first as it is hers!

tinybyxor · 07/01/2023 12:40

@Headabovetheparakeet I would genuinely love to know what the alternative is, as it's very difficult when there is a court order in place. Also, you need to protect your children from the drama, you're constantly trying to diffuse situations and keep things from getting out of control and them becoming more controlling and abusive.

SomethingOriginal2 · 07/01/2023 12:42

What a vile man. Who abandons a child at school to try to force a change in arrangement. Especially without even trying to ask! I'm sure we've all been the kid left behind and it's bloody awful.

No he absolutely isn't having her next week and I'd ring the school and let them know he isn't to collect her just in case.

He can't play games with his child. My dad did this with me, all just to mess with my mum. I wish she'd just cut him off.

Wigglefish123 · 07/01/2023 12:43

I’d arrange to collect her from school next Friday 30 mins early in case he decides to turn up and take her

Headabovetheparakeet · 07/01/2023 12:44

tinybyxor · 07/01/2023 12:40

@Headabovetheparakeet I would genuinely love to know what the alternative is, as it's very difficult when there is a court order in place. Also, you need to protect your children from the drama, you're constantly trying to diffuse situations and keep things from getting out of control and them becoming more controlling and abusive.

I wasn't criticising op, I was criticising the 'he shouldn't have done this, but...' posters who seem to think the father's needs are more important than the child's.

Lachimolala · 07/01/2023 12:44

Do we have the same ex? Mines done this four times since September alone.

I don’t offer him make up contact, if he pulls a stunt like this I very firmly tell him he has forfeit his contact due to non-attendance/non-collection.

Also second all the PP saying to get written proof of this, that’s what I’m doing alongside documentation of all the times he chooses to not take up his court ordered contact because he’s ‘got plans’ and I’ll be taking him back to court to reduce it as soon as there’s enough.

TheArtworkMugIlove · 07/01/2023 12:47

Fameinaframe · 07/01/2023 09:35

School should follow the court order.
It is not his weekend next Friday so legally they should NOT let the child go with him.
Ring them and make the above clear.
Yes he has PR but you have a court order that the child lives with you and he has set dates he has contact.
The school have a legal obligation here and they should follow it.

@Fameinaframe Just to say this is wrong. Unless the court order says that her Ex is not allowed to pick up the child then the school cannot and will not stop him collecting.

I had this issue with my own DCs school, and was told by the Court that the school will not stop someone collecting the DC unless either SS or the Court have said they can't.

Herejustforthisone · 07/01/2023 12:48

It’s endlessly horrifying that men use their little children this way to prop up their manipulation and to score cheap points. Utter cunt.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 07/01/2023 12:50

TulaDoesTheHula · 07/01/2023 11:03

Yes which is why I said he’s a dick ffs, I haven’t excused him.

My comment was also made on the presumption that he did ask to swap weekends in advance but OP couldn’t because she already had plans since it was her court ordered weekend. This is based on the fact that OP seems to know that he wants to see his child on his birthday and that’s why he’s pulled this whole stunt - the ex hasn’t actually asked to swap weekends yet or mentioned his birthday after failing to turn up so I assumed she knew this was the reason based on prior conversations.

OP has now clarified in a later update that he did not ask to swap weekends in advance so my comment is irrelevant.

Show quote history

You misread the OP. Unless you think he asked and OP said OK and then deliberately pretended to forget and leave her child at school!

Own your error and we an al move on! But don't try and make out that something else was said or left out of the OP as she was quite clear what had happened. It's bloody irritating when some choose to leap like that!

MrsMiddleMother · 07/01/2023 12:52

Definitely stick to your guns, he abandoned her this weekend for his own gain. Its heartbreaking being forgotten at school, even when your parent comes running in 30 minutes late there's many thoughts that happen before that.

I'd do what a pp suggested and pick dd up 30 minutes before end of school to ensure there's no drama on the playground in case he does come to collect her.

RoyalStallion · 07/01/2023 12:54

SchnauzerEyebrows · 07/01/2023 12:30

Oh yes you can if there's a Prohibited Steps court order preventing the parent from collecting them (even if they have parental responsibility!)

Show quote history

‘Bomb proof court order’ as above- like a prohibited steps etc or any one saying he can’t

ProhibitedSteps · 07/01/2023 12:58

For those of you saying that a School cannot stop a parent who has Parental Responsibility from collecting their child from school/Nursery, please see the redacted copy of my child's Prohibited Steps Court Order! With this Order in place, the named (redacted) parent (who HAS parental responsibility as he is named on the birth certificate) CATEGORICALLY CANNOT collect our child from school/Nursery/Brownies or anywhere! This is permanent or until further order of the court.

Those of you who are school/Nursery/extra curricular club staff: if a parent presents you with one of these, you MUST adhere to it. These orders are issued by a Court for the safety of a child and are NOT issued easily and without substantial evidence of the potential for serious harm to the child mentioned without this being in place.

DO NOT IGNORE IT! This overrides any birth certificate!!!

Not collecting child from school
tinybyxor · 07/01/2023 13:01

Headabovetheparakeet · 07/01/2023 12:44

I wasn't criticising op, I was criticising the 'he shouldn't have done this, but...' posters who seem to think the father's needs are more important than the child's.

Show quote history

I understand, but I genuinely do want to know what the other options are because I'm stuck in a similar situation.

RudsyFarmer · 07/01/2023 13:09

Those defending the fathers behaviour on this thread are unbelievable.

Outtasteamandluck · 07/01/2023 13:10

What does the court order say in instances like these ?

Littlebluedinosaur · 07/01/2023 13:30

Curious to know if school tried to contact him first?

AlloftheTime · 07/01/2023 13:33

Ljc1985 · 07/01/2023 10:43

I'm sorry your dealing with such an idiot. I'm also so sorry your little one was left without being picked up.

Echo what others have said if possible try and get written confirmation that he didn't pick up.

Also I know it's hard but when messaging with him I would stick to the facts and not enter into any other conversation. Ie about him playing games .. he wants you to do that!

I know that's hard but I would literally stick to being matter of fact. He sounds like he wants to wind you up

^ exactly this

PlasticOrchid · 07/01/2023 13:47

ProhibitedSteps · 07/01/2023 12:58

For those of you saying that a School cannot stop a parent who has Parental Responsibility from collecting their child from school/Nursery, please see the redacted copy of my child's Prohibited Steps Court Order! With this Order in place, the named (redacted) parent (who HAS parental responsibility as he is named on the birth certificate) CATEGORICALLY CANNOT collect our child from school/Nursery/Brownies or anywhere! This is permanent or until further order of the court.

Those of you who are school/Nursery/extra curricular club staff: if a parent presents you with one of these, you MUST adhere to it. These orders are issued by a Court for the safety of a child and are NOT issued easily and without substantial evidence of the potential for serious harm to the child mentioned without this being in place.

DO NOT IGNORE IT! This overrides any birth certificate!!!

But this isn't what the OP has, therefore the school has to hand the child over. OF COURSE we don't hand children over if there is an order saying that a parent can't have access. You are talking about an entirely different scenario.

2bazookas · 07/01/2023 13:51

Well. I would not have contacted him at all to assure him his D was safe with you. I'd have left him in limbo, no information.

Ball in his court, nul points . What a loser.