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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend is having an affair both are married.

333 replies

Themind · 06/01/2023 18:18

My friend has been married to her husband for 10 years two girls age 8 and 5. As far as I am aware no particular issues with their marriage we have been friends for about 6 years and re quite close. Husband seems like a nice guy but I don't know him as well. I was aware about two years ago she'd had a fling but it had allegedly ended before she'd told me. My husband and I went to the theatre yesterday and ther she was with the man she'd had the fling with earlier. She realised I'd seen her and looked shocked but sat down so I didn't approach. Queue a phone call this morning and several others throughout the day begging me noto to say anything to her husband. She confessed that she had never ended it with him first time round and had carried on cheating. He has lots of money wife doesn't understand him all the usual tripe and he won't leave because his wife will be entitled to half his cash.
She loves him apparently and would leave her husband in a heart beat. Please tell me what to do? I have a incline to walk away and never talk to her again, my husband suggested give her an ultimatum and tell her that if she doesn't tell him I will. I'm scared to death that I wouldn't want to be responsible for ruining their girls lives but ultimately she has cheated her husband and children hasn't she? I'd rather know I I was her husband.
Any ideas welcome, I hate this.

OP posts:
Puppers · 06/01/2023 19:48

I wouldn’t tell him because that rarely ends well for anyone. However I wouldn’t lie if asked outright and I would tell her this.

You say you know the husband a little. I wouldn’t want to carry on a friendship where I was likely to spend any time with the oblivious spouse in this situation. Unless we’re talking extremely close friend who’s been with you through thick and thin…I’d walk away from the whole sorry mess.

2chocolateoranges · 06/01/2023 19:48

For me it would depend on whether we socialised with the husband and her as a couple or if I was just friends with her.

id definitely take a step back from the friendship and tell her why. If we knew her husband well and socialised with him I’d tell her to tell him before I did. She shouldn’t be having her cake and eating it, her dh deserves better.

tenbob · 06/01/2023 19:49

Delatron · 06/01/2023 19:39

So then your loyalty is with the husband who you barely know? And you’d land a friend in it without knowing the ins and outs of her marriage. Great friend.

Where does OP say she ‘barely knows’ the husband?
She says she doesn’t know him as well as she knows her friend, which I think is true of pretty much every female friendship I have

Doesn’t mean I would be an accessory to their immoral and awful behaviour though
Just like I wouldn’t cover for my kids if they committed crime. Doesn’t make me a bad mother either

runlittlemonster · 06/01/2023 19:51

In the nicest possible way, it’s none of your business.

gold22 · 06/01/2023 19:52

A friend of 6 years over her husband you don't really know? I wouldn't be saying anything or giving ultimatums.

Friends with both and I would be keeping well out of it and distancing myself.

I would only expect my friends to tell me in reversed circumstances, I wouldn't expect my OH friends to say anything at all.

If you don't feel like you can be friends with her anymore due to your own past experiences then that's a separate issue in my opinion but you've been friends with her for years, my allegiance would be with her if it was me but I appreciate not everyone would do the same.

OnTheRoadAgain1 · 06/01/2023 19:52

No point on posting on here. The same women who say they would deserve to know are the same that tell you to keep your nose out (perhaps they are also having affairs or don't think men deserve to know).

Your only two options are to either tell her to tell the truth or you will, or break off the friendship completely. I couldn't be complicit in lying to an innocent husband and his children so I really don't see an option 3.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 06/01/2023 19:52

I don’t approve of cheating but if this was my friend I would say nothing and just be there when the shit hits the fan. I may not approve of the behaviour but my loyalty would be to my friend first. I wouldn’t necessarily turn my back on a good friend for doing something I don’t agree with (as long as it wasn’t criminal etc).

BackAgainstWall · 06/01/2023 19:53

Keep well out of it.

It's absolutely none of your business (with the greatest respect).

Concentrate on your own family.

You can't control other people's lives, neither can you be judge, jury and executioner, despite the severity of the 'crime.'

5128gap · 06/01/2023 19:53

You shouldn't say anything. You know about her affair because you are a friend she trusted. Just because she is betraying her husband doesn't mean it's right for you to betray her.
If your conscience troubles you too much then end the friendship, but i think you should keep her confidence.

OnTheRoadAgain1 · 06/01/2023 19:54

I'd repost on the relationship board. There will be lots of people able to empathise with the husband and you because most people don't like cheating or lying.

whynotwhatknot · 06/01/2023 19:55

funny place here sometimes-if the op was being cheated on it wouldlbe of course tell the other wife but beucause its her friend its none of her business?

the husband clearly doesnt know or the friend wouldnt be calling op begging her not to say anything

what if shes given him an std doesnt he have the right to know

OnTheRoadAgain1 · 06/01/2023 19:56

Also, none of these women would be happy with their husbands friends lying to cover them before their world was torn apart.

OnTheRoadAgain1 · 06/01/2023 19:57

whynotwhatknot · 06/01/2023 19:55

funny place here sometimes-if the op was being cheated on it wouldlbe of course tell the other wife but beucause its her friend its none of her business?

the husband clearly doesnt know or the friend wouldnt be calling op begging her not to say anything

what if shes given him an std doesnt he have the right to know

Finally someone talking sense.

Rainbow1901 · 06/01/2023 19:58

Block her and have nothing more to do with her.

She has hidden it from you as well as her husband which says reams about her as a person.
If your DH chooses to say something that's on him but the messenger often gets shot at in situations like this. Looking further down the line if her husband should get wind of this is he likely to approach you or your DH? You would be seen to be condoning her actions and then all you can do is tell the truth as you are aware of it and your reaction!! Not a pleasant situation to be in though.

SofiaSoFar · 06/01/2023 19:59

whynotwhatknot · 06/01/2023 19:55

funny place here sometimes-if the op was being cheated on it wouldlbe of course tell the other wife but beucause its her friend its none of her business?

the husband clearly doesnt know or the friend wouldnt be calling op begging her not to say anything

what if shes given him an std doesnt he have the right to know

I completely agree with you and @OnTheRoadAgain1

MN is a bizarre place.

InsomniacVampire · 06/01/2023 19:59

5128gap · 06/01/2023 19:53

You shouldn't say anything. You know about her affair because you are a friend she trusted. Just because she is betraying her husband doesn't mean it's right for you to betray her.
If your conscience troubles you too much then end the friendship, but i think you should keep her confidence.

I wonder with posts like these if people are cheating themselves and not wanting to be caught and projecting or what.
OP has not sworn not to tell anything, and she knows of the affair because she saw the 'friend' with the lover out in the public. She is not a church confessor to keep friend's dirty secrets. If friend does not want people to know, she can shag the lover in a hotel or in a car in a remote park, not go with him to a theatre for all to see.

I'd want to know OP, and I'd definitely tell. It's not you who would destroy the daughter's life, it's the friend shagging another married person.

Isittrueornot · 06/01/2023 20:00

You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, stay out of it.

Sounds like she is being played if the other man won’t leave his wife.

ReneBumsWombats · 06/01/2023 20:03

I wonder with posts like these if people are cheating themselves and not wanting to be caught and projecting or what.

It's your own projection. You don't have to be having an affair to decide that other people's lives aren't yours to police.

That said, if these people are so stupid and indiscreet that they're going out to the theatre together, they'll probably get found out at some point.

momtoboys · 06/01/2023 20:03

Mind your business. You admittedly don't know the husband very well. Her affair has nothing to do with you.

BetaBlockerBlues · 06/01/2023 20:04

I wouldn't end a friendship because my friend was having an affair, but I would question the values of a friend who was condoning her affair partner's reluctance to reach a fair divorce settlement with his wife, and that might make me rethink the friendship, yes. If she's a good enough friend, I don't see why you can't talk to her about the aspects of this that trouble you. What she tells you in return may clarify the position you want to take about telling her husband. I certainly wouldn't reflexively 'report it' to him out of some black-and-white sense of morality without knowing a whole lot more about what's going on behind closed doors than you currently do.

I don't see the fact of an affair as automatically being your business; rather, your business is to support your friend (especially, imo, because the guy she's seeing sounds like a scumbag). I don't agree it's a double standard either, as pp have said. Most people who post here are women, and often when they have a dilemma regarding a friend the friend is a woman too. So yes, if I'd spotted my friend's husband at the theatre with his affair partner, I would probably tell my friend, because I would probably see that as the best way to support her. But I'd also probably do that if my friend in OP's scenario was the husband - except it's not. OP says her friend is the wife and she doesn't know the husband well. So in this scenario, once we'd discussed what I now knew, I would do whatever I felt best supported her, which might well include keeping my trap shut.

I think you need to ask yourself how good a friend you think she is. If you're really close, surely you owe it to her to talk about what's going on in her life instead of issuing ultimatums or telling tales? And if not, then why are you inserting yourself into her story at all? Who is your loyalty to here, and why? At the moment, it all just sounds a bit gossipy and prurient to me. Sorry.

dolor · 06/01/2023 20:05

All this none of my business rhetoric when it comes to things like this, is such bullshit.

Tell her husband what you saw, block her, and then tell him you won't be involved any further, otherwise the lie is perpetuated. It's shit that you saw it, but you did. It will keep eating at you until you do something.

It beggars belief that people do this out in public and expect not to be caught.

If someone I was involved with was having an affair, and someone I knew caught them, I'd be extremely upset if they didn't tell me.

"I'm sorry (insert name of husband here) but I caught (insert wife's name here) out with the person she was previously having an affair with. They were here at (insert date time and place here), that's all the involvement I'm prepared to have, I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news."

Then block both.

Her children and her husband deserve better.

ShakespearesBlister · 06/01/2023 20:05

I'd be walking away and stop speaking to her because it's not just her husband she's lying to. She pulled the wool over your eyes too so now you know you can't trust her either.

Flounder2022 · 06/01/2023 20:10

She is not a church confessor to keep friend's dirty secrets

Nor is she her friends moral compass. Or a part of their marriage. If her own moral compass dictates as much, then she should end the friendship.

Hellno44 · 06/01/2023 20:12

I'd end the friendship. I'd like to think I'd tell the husband but I'd be lying. I wouldn't purely because I don't like conflict and drama. If I knew the man or was friends with the man it might change my position.

altmember · 06/01/2023 20:17

Anyone on MN got a husband with lots of money? It could be him. Would you want them to get found out if it was? Or would you rather OP turned a blind eye and let the affair carry on behind your back?

I'd tell her to confess to her husband herself, before someone he finds out another way.