Friend is having an affair both are married.

[Themind]

My friend has been married to her husband for 10 years two girls age 8 and 5. As far as I am aware no particular issues with their marriage we have been friends for about 6 years and re quite close. Husband seems like a nice guy but I don't know him as well. I was aware about two years ago she'd had a fling but it had allegedly ended before she'd told me. My husband and I went to the theatre yesterday and ther she was with the man she'd had the fling with earlier. She realised I'd seen her and looked shocked but sat down so I didn't approach. Queue a phone call this morning and several others throughout the day begging me noto to say anything to her husband. She confessed that she had never ended it with him first time round and had carried on cheating. He has lots of money wife doesn't understand him all the usual tripe and he won't leave because his wife will be entitled to half his cash.
She loves him apparently and would leave her husband in a heart beat. Please tell me what to do? I have a incline to walk away and never talk to her again, my husband suggested give her an ultimatum and tell her that if she doesn't tell him I will. I'm scared to death that I wouldn't want to be responsible for ruining their girls lives but ultimately she has cheated her husband and children hasn't she? I'd rather know I I was her husband.
Any ideas welcome, I hate this.

I think people are really clutching at straws here - “perhaps he already knows” “perhaps they have an open marriage” “perhaps he’s an arse” in order not to appear judgemental. It’s not judgemental to criticise shitty behaviour.

If we all lived that way can you imagine the horror that would go on behind closed doors? Not that long ago people generally believed that a man's home was his castle and he could do what he wanted in it, nobody has those attitudes anymore and they shouldn't just because in this case and those similar the woman is the one ruining her children's lives. Her right to doing whatever on earth she likes regardless of the impact it has on others doesn't trump her children's right to a secure home, examples of family values being demonstrated and for their father not to be the victim of a betrayal. What if when their dad finds out he takes it really badly & the 5 and 8 year old children are suffering? Is it misogynistic then to suggest they deserved more? She chose to be a mother and start a family, its inexcusable.

It's not misogynistic to criticise cheaters. Do people really think women hate female cheater but somehow condone males? Nobody thinks like that.

I think it's funny how some people make excuses. Different story if you were on the receiving end in imagine. Or are most of these people who tell us not to judge OW themselves?

And if I ever decided to cheat, I would accept that such actions have consequences too.

Addressing a post to the 'people here having affairs, or condoning those who do' is a factual description of who I am referring to. Nothing insulting there whatsoever. I suggest you review own posts however.

You need to take responsibility for your own choices. Tell your partner to be discreet when they cheat on you. That way there is no chance of someone you consider insufficiently close to you telling you information you don't want to hear.

Or pick one of the other options to protect yourself from ever hearing painful information. Stop making the rest of us responsible. I live by my ethics, not by yours.

Maybe it’s a sexless marriage and they have some sort of agreement to quietly have sex with other people but not openly date them in public? Again, all suppositions, We don’t know the inner shenanigans of this marriage and that’s why I would steer away, unless of course I was good friends with the husband and he offered me information on the state of his marriage in a one to one conversation then I would probably disclose what I saw.

But as I pointed out earlier, in the case of a man cheating he’d be a cheating lying scumbag full stop. When a woman cheats it’s “perhaps her husband is an arse” “perhaps they have an open marriage” “perhaps he already knows about it”. No one would be saying “perhaps his wife is a cow”. Such double standards.

I’d tell the husband what you saw. My ex husband stole years of my life having affairs behind my back. People probably knew and never told me. As much as people say it’s not your place to get involved, it’s also not your secret to keep.

Again: she’s not ruining children lives, those children are happy, fed, loved and probably busy with school. They are certainly not sitting in the playground thinking “gosh, mum is having an affair, This is devastating “. You would certainly be ruining their lives if you talked to that husband and throw that hand grenade inside their home.

How do you know they are? Where were they when she was spotted with her new man? Perhaps and hopefully happy, fed and loved but if they were its likely in the care of their dad not their mum. If there was an emergency and they needed her whilst she's out with the other man what happens then? Seems you have a concept of who she is in your head when it's far more depressing but realistic to assume she doesn't care about those children at all.

If you have to make an assumption in order to be offended then maybe just don’t - that’s not what I meant, no, and it’s not what I said either.

I said that, statistically speaking, some of the people here must have had affairs. Plenty of people have expressed an opinion stating that they’ve been cheated on and had their opinion formed by that. No one has posted saying that they had an affair and so could offer a perspective from the viewpoint of the friend.

One PP said that maybe she, on some level, wants her DH to find out so it’s all over but she’s not able to bring herself to tell him. Maybe someone who was outed would, now the “drama” has passed, think it was the best thing for everyone. Alternatively, maybe someone wasn’t outed and it allowed them to tell their DH at a better time and in a better way?

All I said that that the opinions of those who have cheated would be useful to the OP and you’ve somehow imagined that I’ve said certain posters should stop giving OP an opinion.

You seem to have taken issue with quite a few posts on this thread that have a different opinion to you. You’ve now begun taking issue with posts that don’t even disagree with you because you’re viewing completely neutral posts as a personal attack on you. At this point, it’s pretty clear you just want the entire thread to be people parroting your opinion because you don’t even permit people to raise a different point (that doesn’t even conflict with anything you’ve raised) without kicking off, making assumptions and throwing insults around.

Not everything is about you.

You're being disingenuous. By addressing your monologue in that way to people on this thread your implications was clear. You may wish to row back from that having had a little think about how 'shockingly unfair' you were, and if so, I will accept that.
I have no idea how you've come to the conclusion that I don't take responsibility for my own choices, or even more bizarrely that I'm asking you to be responsible for them. It couldn't be further from that.
I am telling you that I am absolutely not your responsibility and I require nothing from you other than that you remember that. Its the very epitome of independence.
If your 'ethics' dictate that you must expose cheating at all costs then I'm sure you will do so. But when fighting the good fight, you should spare a thought for the people who may be collateral damage in your crusade. I've given examples. You said they were irrelevant.

@PleaseDontSayEvriIsMyCourier and hopefully happy, fed and loved but if they were its likely in the care of their dad not their mum. If there was an emergency and they needed her whilst she's out with the other man what happens then?

Is she spending all her day with that man? I doubt it. Would you condemn the husband when he’s in the pub because he’s not reachable and can’t attend an emergency either? Misogyny at its best.

Nothing you have said here has any relevance to me. You are talking to an imaginary person in your head, someone who is not present on this thread.

Is she spending all her day with that man? I doubt it. Would you condemn the husband when he’s in the pub because he’s not reachable and can’t attend an emergency either? Misogyny at its best.

You can't actually think socialising with friends is the same as commuting a vice that can end in divorce and pain for your parter and children? WTAF

And affairs are all-consuming if your in love with that person. That's not the same as having a few hours at the pub. It's ongoing. It's a whole second relationship.

Cant speak for anyone else but I've not "dropped my best friend (of 34 years) like a stone" because she's been there for me during some tough times in my life, and when I've done things she disagreed with (not affair).

I couldn't imagine ditching her because of men related issues that are none of my concern.

Your response made me laugh out loud, if my view makes me a misogynist then so be it I'd rather that than someone with no ethics, no morals, no values and who cheats on their partner and their children. As I said, if there was an emergency and they needed their mum where is she? Thank god they have their dad. I only pray that the man she's cheating with is single and not the spouse of one of these poor women who come to mumsnet saying they have no proof but dh is acting off, likely cheating and had a fling 6 years ago but it's over followed by some questions about whether his abusive treatment of his actual wife does constitute as abuse. It's so cliche and no amount of woke language or shouting 'misogyny!' will change right from wrong.

my husband suggested give her an ultimatum and tell her that if she doesn't tell him I will

She's lied to you before, she'll lie to you again. I wouldn't believe she told her husband about her fling 2 years ago, and I wouldn't believe she'll tell him anything as a result of your ultimatum. She'll just SAY she has.

I wouldn't tell him. But perfectly reasonable to end the friendship, especially as it brings up such unpleasant memories for you. Does she know your ex-husband cheated on you?

I really have no idea if the cheating spouse is properly taking care of the kids, if the husband is spending long hours in the pub and neglecting his children or if he’s fucking his co-worker in the car. And because I don’t really know what’s going on it’s not for me to judge, nor tell the husband,specially if I have no relationship with. I believe the OP has a much more informed picture on the situation and will come up with a balanced solution on how to deal with it. The rest of us can just speculate 🤨

@PleaseDontSayEvriIsMyCourier
the title says they’re both married

Agree with the sensible posters who have said don't interfere. Don't interfere, it isn't your marriage/family/life, and you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. You could be making things infinitely worse by saying anything.

If you feel you can't carry on being friends with her then that IS up to you though - I personally wouldn't drop a friend for it, but there's no point in you carrying on the friendship if you don't feel any friendship towards her because of her lifestyle choices. It doesn't sound like a very close friendship anyway as you've not known each other that long and she didn't confide in you in the first place.

The accusation that those disagreeing are having affairs comes up very frequently. Usually while ignoring the genuine reasons why people think disclosing affairs is not always right.
I apologise for my assumption this is what you were suggesting and appreciate you clarifying.

Keep out of it, end the friendship. It’s not your place to shit stir, husband will find out by himself eventually. He might already know, some people are doormats and just put up with this sort of stuff. I had a married man message me on fb a few weeks ago with an inappropriate message, he said he was bored in his marriage and looking for some fun. Fk knows what made him think of me of all people to message, tbh I suspect he’s messaged multiple women in hopes one will sext him back. I know he’s still living with his wife of 10 years and his 2 young children. I just didn’t reply and blocked him. Not going to tell his wife as I’m not getting involved, she’ll find out soon enough but tbh I suspect she already knows and just turns a blind eye. I’ve known this man since I was a teenager and he cheated on every girlfriend he’s ever had so it certainly didn’t surprise me, just sort of surprised me that he messaged me hoping for a discreet bit of excitement. As if I’d fk a married man.

I can see where the “stay out of it” crowd are coming from. It’s the ones who wouldn’t judge their best friend I can’t get my head around. The ones who think a several years long affair is a “mistake”.

Apology accepted.

And, respectfully, you are also doing the same thing you accused me of to a number of posters. You’re assuming that people are wanting to tell the DH for self-serving or ill-informed reasons rather than the reason stated. No one has disputed that your reasons are valid but the debate for some is that they don’t outweigh the other side. For example, the risk that she’ll give him diseases, the risk that the children aren’t his, etc. Both sides have validity to them and it’s a matter of opinion whether or not the balance of those factors falls on each side of the coin. Whilst taking great offence at what you incorrectly assumed was a comment on having a personal motive to encourage not telling, you’ve accused others of having personal motives for thinking the DH should be told. For some, the risk that a child doesn’t know who her dad actually is (for example) outweighs the risk that the DH would attempt suicide if told of the affair - it’s a judgement call and your opinion isn’t the only one that can be valid.

I have no intention of getting into a debate with you on the discussion as I don’t doubt your belief that you’re the unquestioned authority is set in stone but perhaps it’s worth actually considering other viewpoints before assuming everyone is out to get you.