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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend is having an affair both are married.

333 replies

Themind · 06/01/2023 18:18

My friend has been married to her husband for 10 years two girls age 8 and 5. As far as I am aware no particular issues with their marriage we have been friends for about 6 years and re quite close. Husband seems like a nice guy but I don't know him as well. I was aware about two years ago she'd had a fling but it had allegedly ended before she'd told me. My husband and I went to the theatre yesterday and ther she was with the man she'd had the fling with earlier. She realised I'd seen her and looked shocked but sat down so I didn't approach. Queue a phone call this morning and several others throughout the day begging me noto to say anything to her husband. She confessed that she had never ended it with him first time round and had carried on cheating. He has lots of money wife doesn't understand him all the usual tripe and he won't leave because his wife will be entitled to half his cash.
She loves him apparently and would leave her husband in a heart beat. Please tell me what to do? I have a incline to walk away and never talk to her again, my husband suggested give her an ultimatum and tell her that if she doesn't tell him I will. I'm scared to death that I wouldn't want to be responsible for ruining their girls lives but ultimately she has cheated her husband and children hasn't she? I'd rather know I I was her husband.
Any ideas welcome, I hate this.

OP posts:
ReneBumsWombats · 06/01/2023 20:18

dolor · 06/01/2023 20:05

All this none of my business rhetoric when it comes to things like this, is such bullshit.

Tell her husband what you saw, block her, and then tell him you won't be involved any further, otherwise the lie is perpetuated. It's shit that you saw it, but you did. It will keep eating at you until you do something.

It beggars belief that people do this out in public and expect not to be caught.

If someone I was involved with was having an affair, and someone I knew caught them, I'd be extremely upset if they didn't tell me.

"I'm sorry (insert name of husband here) but I caught (insert wife's name here) out with the person she was previously having an affair with. They were here at (insert date time and place here), that's all the involvement I'm prepared to have, I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news."

Then block both.

Her children and her husband deserve better.

Why would you block them?

If it's such a moral duty to tell them and totally your business, why do you get a veto on responses?

BHRK · 06/01/2023 20:18

Stay out of it.

but end the friendship if you can’t handle the knowledge

BethDuttonsTwin · 06/01/2023 20:22

ouch321 · 06/01/2023 19:16

There is a snake here but it's not the OP.

As usual replies full of posters with no morals.

You sound as though you have limited life experience tbh.

KimberleyClark · 06/01/2023 20:23

Megifer · 06/01/2023 19:18

My best friend has been cheating on her H for a few years. I don't judge, she has her reasons, and it has nothing to do with me, our friendship or how I feel about her.

I'd keep out. End the friendship if you feel you must.

If your husband was cheating and your best friend knew but didn’t tell you, would you judge her when it all came out?

BetaBlockerBlues · 06/01/2023 20:26

If it's a non-negotiable moral obligation to shine a klieg light on cheating spouses in all circumstances, why is no one advising OP to tell the affair partner's wife? She obviously knows who he is because she recognised him.

Delatron · 06/01/2023 20:26

KimberleyClark · 06/01/2023 20:23

If your husband was cheating and your best friend knew but didn’t tell you, would you judge her when it all came out?

Show quote history

That’s a completely different scenario.

I’d put my friendship first in all situations. So that’s where my loyalties would lie.

SeeYouNextTLol · 06/01/2023 20:28

A lot of arseholes out there. OP you are a good person. Society is now full of chancers with their selfishness at the centre and love getting away with their own secret shit. I would not tell the DH personally but would fully respect you for doing so as that is the more difficult thing to do as well as being morally right. Again I repeat you are 100% a good soul judging by your thoughts.

Hellybelly84 · 06/01/2023 20:28

I think if you are uncomfortable with the situation and she is a good friend, explain how upsetting it is for you to see someone being cheated on and let her know you cant carry on as normal knowing your friend is doing this to her Husband. Then take a step back from the friendship and concentrate on other friends.

If she’s not a close friend, then just dont bother making contact with her again.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 06/01/2023 20:28

whynotwhatknot · 06/01/2023 19:55

funny place here sometimes-if the op was being cheated on it wouldlbe of course tell the other wife but beucause its her friend its none of her business?

the husband clearly doesnt know or the friend wouldnt be calling op begging her not to say anything

what if shes given him an std doesnt he have the right to know

Well yes, because in the hypothetical situation you’ve suggested, the other wife is likely a stranger and the op is directly affected. I wouldn’t hesitate to tell a friend that her dp is cheating on her. But that’s not the case in the actual op. Op isn’t really affected - aside from the fact that her friend has taken her into her confidence.

My friends tell me lots of things. I don’t agree with everything they do because we aren’t the same, but I wouldn’t choose to betray their trust to benefit their partner who I don’t know as well as them and I have no loyalty to.

We all make mistakes and sometimes we make bad choices but part of being a friend is being there to support them when things go wrong. Otherwise you’re not a friend. The only time I may reconsider this would be in the case of something violent, abusive or criminal.

Chickenly · 06/01/2023 20:31

Is it at all possible that the children aren’t his? Given that this has been going on for at least two years, it’s possible that it’s been going on much longer (with this man or others). Doesn’t the child have a right to know for sure who her dad is? Doesn’t the father have a right to know? What if she’s passed on STDs or STIs to the husband?

Given that every thread on here on the subject is filled with women saying they’d want to know if they were being cheated on, I can’t understand the insistence that no one should tell the husband here. We all want the truth when we’re the victim but no one wants to give that support when the shoe is on the other foot.

Sure, there’s the usual victim-blaming that he must be an awful husband, that surely he’d know etc. but come off it.

Justtobeclear · 06/01/2023 20:31

as someone who was the wife in this situation I would tell him. Finding out people knew was almost worse than the actual affair and felt so humiliating. I couldn’t be friends with someone who could cheat long term like this and especially one that won’t leave unless her affair partner does. Her husband deserves to not have the rest of his life wasted whilst she gets to enjoy the thrills of another relationship.

BigHeadBertha · 06/01/2023 20:33

Personally, my feeling is that I'm not obligated to play referee/snitch/monitor between other adults UNLESS the one being cheated on is a close family member or close friend. From experience, I've also learned that such involvement is rarely appreciated.

What I WOULD consider my business is who I choose to associate with. While I feel like anyone can make a mistake at a low point in their marriage and learn from it, this has been going on for months. To me, that's too much to excuse as anything other than her being untrustworthy, self-centered and character deficient. I would probably block her without comment.

Please let us know how it goes and good luck with it.

Blueberrywitch · 06/01/2023 20:33

I usually advise women to tell other women if their DP or DH is cheating but I think in the case of her being your friend, and you not knowing the financial or risk fall out for her (what if he gets violent, what if she is completely financially dependent on him?) I don’t think it’s appropriate to tell the husband in the same way it would be to tell the wife. But if you disapprove just remove yourself from the friendship and tell her why.

SeeYouNextTLol · 06/01/2023 20:34

Justtobeclear · 06/01/2023 20:31

as someone who was the wife in this situation I would tell him. Finding out people knew was almost worse than the actual affair and felt so humiliating. I couldn’t be friends with someone who could cheat long term like this and especially one that won’t leave unless her affair partner does. Her husband deserves to not have the rest of his life wasted whilst she gets to enjoy the thrills of another relationship.

Exactly 👍

Chickenly · 06/01/2023 20:35

I’ve also found in life that anyone who demands my “loyalty” is an arsehole. It’s literally a red flag for abuse to try and say people shouldn’t do what they believe to be morally right because it’s “disloyal”. As is blaming someone else for the repercussions of your own actions. This woman lied to the OP - why should OP have loyalty to her when it’s clearly a one-way street?

SeeYouNextTLol · 06/01/2023 20:35

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 i love the double standards.

Daniella12 · 06/01/2023 20:35

Please, dial down the friendship and stay out of it. Your friend sounds cruel. How awful to share a house and children with her husband, yet be prepared to leave him in ‘a heartbeat’ should her lover leave his wife. Please say nothing. You will end up being scorched.

5128gap · 06/01/2023 20:36

InsomniacVampire · 06/01/2023 19:59

I wonder with posts like these if people are cheating themselves and not wanting to be caught and projecting or what.
OP has not sworn not to tell anything, and she knows of the affair because she saw the 'friend' with the lover out in the public. She is not a church confessor to keep friend's dirty secrets. If friend does not want people to know, she can shag the lover in a hotel or in a car in a remote park, not go with him to a theatre for all to see.

I'd want to know OP, and I'd definitely tell. It's not you who would destroy the daughter's life, it's the friend shagging another married person.

Show quote history

Lol. No. In fact my only experience of cheating was to be the cheated on, many years ago. It was very hurtful, and damaged my trust in relationships. But fortunately hasn't defined me, or coloured the way i see every moral dilemma or my loyalty to female friends.
Nor has it turned me into an arrogant busybody who believes i know what's best for other people based on what i might or might not have wanted myself. Because that really would be projecting.

DillDanding · 06/01/2023 20:37

Keep out of it. It’s none of your business.

DianaTW · 06/01/2023 20:38

Having been on the end of a cheating husband, I was grateful to the person who told me my partner was cheating. Now I look back on it, I wonder how many people knew my husband was cheating and didn't say anything, but looked ne in the eye knowing he was off with someone else. Give her an ultimatum. Tell her either she tells her husband or you will. The marriage is over anyway, and in the long run you will be doing them all a favour.

FabFitFifties · 06/01/2023 20:38

I would distance myself and, if she asks, explain why. She has, after all, lied to you as well as cheating on her husband. I wouldn't tell the husband - you don't know what goes on behind closed doors - you might be putting her in danger for instance. Why do you feel compelled to tell him now, but not when you knew about the fling 2 years ago? Is it subconsciously because she has lied to you this time?

Aftersevens · 06/01/2023 20:39

She’s your friend and it’s totally up to you to decide if you want to continue to be her friend.
Other than that, it really has nothing to do with you and I would advise staying out of it.

BedfordBloo · 06/01/2023 20:39

Blueberrywitch · 06/01/2023 20:33

I usually advise women to tell other women if their DP or DH is cheating but I think in the case of her being your friend, and you not knowing the financial or risk fall out for her (what if he gets violent, what if she is completely financially dependent on him?) I don’t think it’s appropriate to tell the husband in the same way it would be to tell the wife. But if you disapprove just remove yourself from the friendship and tell her why.

So you’re literally just sexist then?

For all we know, she’s violent towards him - we know she’s abusive in other ways and has no morals. We have no idea how much either party earns or their financial set-up. She could’ve given him diseases or got pregnant by another man and convinced him to raise a child that isn’t his. But none of that matters, right, because only men can be violent or financially controlling?

Tamarindtree · 06/01/2023 20:40

I would tell her straight that the friendship is over. I would not tell her husband but leave it to her to concoct a story as to why her friend (you) and her husband have gone no contact with them.

I am sure he will guess.

Stopthebusplease · 06/01/2023 20:40

Can I ask if you’ve actually tried talking to your friend about what the outcome of her affair could be OP? You say that she loves this man, but it sounds to me like what she actually loves, is being on the arm of a man who has lots of money to spoil her with. Has she really thought about how much this will hurt HER if the shit hits the fan? Have you pointed out to her that if her DH does find out, she could end up out on her ear, possibly even get a beating depending on his temperament when really upset, and he may even say that as she’s the one who’s ruined the marriage that he wants custody of the children, and she’ll end up having a massive fight in court in order to get access. Maybe you could point out that if she no longer loves her DH, she should leave him and stand on her own two feet, rather than pretending all is well, and probably still sleeping with him, so as not to raise suspicion?

Also, are you sure she’s not using you as a cover for the time she’s spending with the OM?

If she were my friend, rather than thinking about telling her DH to start off, I think I would be inclined to give her an ultimatum that she either finishes the affair once and for all, or leaves her husband and stands on her own two feet, and if she refuses to do either, then tell her that you’re going to tell her DH and the OM’s DW.