Friend is having an affair both are married.

[Themind]

My friend has been married to her husband for 10 years two girls age 8 and 5. As far as I am aware no particular issues with their marriage we have been friends for about 6 years and re quite close. Husband seems like a nice guy but I don't know him as well. I was aware about two years ago she'd had a fling but it had allegedly ended before she'd told me. My husband and I went to the theatre yesterday and ther she was with the man she'd had the fling with earlier. She realised I'd seen her and looked shocked but sat down so I didn't approach. Queue a phone call this morning and several others throughout the day begging me noto to say anything to her husband. She confessed that she had never ended it with him first time round and had carried on cheating. He has lots of money wife doesn't understand him all the usual tripe and he won't leave because his wife will be entitled to half his cash.
She loves him apparently and would leave her husband in a heart beat. Please tell me what to do? I have a incline to walk away and never talk to her again, my husband suggested give her an ultimatum and tell her that if she doesn't tell him I will. I'm scared to death that I wouldn't want to be responsible for ruining their girls lives but ultimately she has cheated her husband and children hasn't she? I'd rather know I I was her husband.
Any ideas welcome, I hate this.

Themind, kudos to you for coming back. I hope the thread has been useful for you, the subject is emotive for many of us.

I'm glad that anonymity isn't in your code either, however you decide to go.

Has she explained why? She clearly doesn’t love, care about or respect her DH so why is she so set on staying with him?

He was very unwell and the message came at the worst possible time. This isnt speculation on my part, he has told me this himself. He is very relieved to still be here and very clear that the timing of the message felt like the last straw and that everyone must be laughing at him. That was the catalyst for his action.
As for his girlfriend, there we go again. You know nothing of her, her circumstances or the life she was leading with him or where they were as a couple. And neither did the person who sent that text.
People lead complex lives and unless you're in a position to understand the nuances, you risk causing a lot of harm by involving yourself.

Stay well out of it

@5128gap I mean, you're welcome to set me straight if there's a justification to her cheating on her suicidal partner. But I'm guessing there isn't.

just keep out of it. Take a step back from the friendship and leave them to sort it out. There is nothing to gain by forcing ultimatums or telling the husband.

I think that she is thinking that he is better than nobody atm. He unknowingly enables her to have this affair by looking after the kids. He's an excellent dad by all accounts, good husband. They have a big house both work but she couldn't afford it on her own. It's all just so sad. So many different opinions!

It’s pretty clear that some posters on this thread have had affairs, apparently an estimated 15% of women have (obviously no one knows for sure). I wonder what impact that has on their view of this?

Stay out and avoid friendship. She is clearly getting twitchy by the rate and emotional swing of the phone calls.

Well I'm not clear on your motivation I'm afraid.
I've told you that I wouldn't want you, a stranger, telling me I was being cheated on. I told you why. You replied to the effect that I'd better hope my cheating partner was discreet then, by which I assume you meant you'd tell me anyway. So as its against my wishes, clearly your motivation wouldnt be my welfare.
I can only assume that means you have fairly powerful motivations of your own. If not revenge on the cheat, then, what?

I haven't waded through all the pages but I have read OP updates. It sounds like she's enjoying all the drama and so called excitement of the affair. My advice is to step away from it all now including the friendship. In the unlikely event her husband asks why you're no longer in contact, say it's a strong difference of opinion
Never presume that how you have been affected in the past will be same for someone else, I feel you're over projecting.
It's not going to end well. Don't put yourself in the role of the catalyst.

Well I'm not clear on your motivation I'm afraid.

Then reread my original post. Here is the relevant part. What do you find unclear?

Her husband is entitled to all the information he needs to make informed, empowered and healthy decisions for himself and his children. That is also definitive. Just as we would say to any woman here being cheated on. What if she passes on an STD from her lover to her husband? Or a child? Etc, etc.
^^
Whether or not I personally would tell her husband, and how, I'm less sure. It would depend on how close I or my husband were to him.

Yes, yes, it's concern for the husband, and you may or may not tell him depending on how close you were. That's perfectly clear.
But it doesn't address my question about your motivation for telling a complete stranger who has told you that would not want to hear it from someone like you, does it?

You're still not reading accurately. Where is this 'complete stranger'. The OP is discussing a friend and her friend's husband, and that is what we are all replying to. No-one is discussing telling a complete stranger. Except you.

I'm agog at the number of posters that say they'd remain friends!

I've known my best friend over 30 years. If I ever found out she'd started an affair never mind lied about it for 6 years I would drop her like a stone and tell her dh (who I'm also close to). How on earth can you support someone who is wilfully betraying their husband, her marriage, her family life for the sake of some rich cock?

Stay out of it. You're not much of a friend if you dump her for what is absolutely nothing to do with you. You don't know what goes on in other people's marriages.

Do your friends morals not matter to you?
How badly do they have to treat people they purport to love before you decide their ethics don’t align with yours!

So many different opinions!

@Themind Do you have a priest/clergy you're under that you could ask?

I don't judge my friends that way, to be honest. Romantic relationships are inherently different to any other relationships and far more complex. They're the only relationship that requires exclusivity and a level of physical intimacy no other relationship demands. Consequently, only the people directly involved are the ones who should be invested enough to get involved.

You do not know if there is a risk of violence if she is found out. I am deeply unsympathetic to any cheater but if you interfere, you do not know possible ramifications. In the unlikely but sadly possible event she is in an abusive rs, remember this- 2 women a week are killed by their partner in UK. Pathetic though her behaviour is, think carefully before you interfere between husband and wife (or any other sort of partnership).

@5128gap You replied to the effect that I'd better hope my cheating partner was discreet then, by which I assume you meant you'd tell me anyway.

Your assumption here is wrong. Also illogical: how would 'a stranger' know you, know about cheating, and know how to contact you?

In reality, if you never want to hear difficult information about your partner's infidelities, you have four options:

• Forgo a partner altogether. Only way to be sure.
• Pick a partner who won't cheat on you. Still not guaranteed.
• Pick a partner who will be reliably discreet when they do cheat on you. As previously suggested.
• Make sure you only have friends who are happy to collude with your partner in their deceit and betrayal of you. Or rather, 'friends'.

Choose one of these and you should be fine. Or at least happily oblivious.

What you don't get to do is make the entire world responsible for protecting you from painful information about your partner's activities. That's not our job.

I've not seen anyone condoning affairs.

Many posters on this thread advocate condoning affairs.
Here is the definition of condone:

If I was the husband I would want to know. It would really rock my faith in people if I knew people knew but didn't say anything.

If you don't tell then I'd at least give it my best shot at trying to get the friend to stop.

Honestly she needs your help if she's your friend. But she may not listen. But as a friend your job is to be there for her. Not tell her husband.